Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Next Generation

Twitarded started out as the Little Blog That Could. Well, the Little Blog Could Talk About Love Custard and Trailer Defecation. Now it has become more of a dynasty. We are raising the next generation of disaffected youth and future psychiatric patients. Speaking of, have you purchased your Mini Me a Forks t-shirt? [Warning: shameless plug!]

I am constantly aware of how much I am scarring my son for life shaping my progeny and preparing him for the world. His math and reading skills may be lacking, but he knows the square root of pi and why Edward's eyes change color. These are important life skills. I hope.

The idea of the next Twitard generation really hit home when he returned from school with this:

That's right. My kid is going to play the bass guitar. ZOMG he's the future ML! (I will now pray nightly that he ends up with someone who eats less fiber than Jenny Jerkface.) I'm trying not to focus on the why-does-my-kid-have-to-play-an-instrument-that-connects-to-an-amplifier part and just appreciate his interest in music. At least he didn't take up the drums, right? He hasn't started lessons yet, but I'm certain he will have a record deal within the year. (They still call them records, right? Has anyone seen my Geritol?) I can't wait to go on tour with him. I am going to be the coolest elderly groupie / tour mom ever. I'll cut the crust off all the band members' sandwiches and make smiley face pancakes for breakfast. I've always wanted to crowd surf, but I don't like people touching me. I might have to work on that. I'll probably also have to build up a tolerance for Mad Dog 20/20. I doubt the kids are drinking Gran PatrĂ³n Burdeos.

I just hope the bus looks less like this...

and more like this. I'm going to need my own room.

We're going to have the coolest time ever. He can get a tattoo that says Mom with a heart around it. I can get a tattoo that says Me with a heart around it. It's going to be awesome. I hope his life shadows that of Roadside Graves'.
Er, maybe not exactly.

Who else wants to go on tour with us? I'll buy the road trip food. You're all on your own for booze — I know how much you people drink and I'm not made of tequila. Ok, I'm not made entirely of tequila. There's some vodka in there too.


  1. So just how exactly do we tap that tequila/vodka mix?

    That Partridge family bus is a cleaned up version of the Pranksters' bus! I'd much rather trip and sweat it out on that! "Furthur!!"


  2. Dude if you're gonna be cutting off crusts and making smiley face pancakes, I'm there. As long as they're gluten free and I get my own room on the bus that is dark and has a fan for sleepy time. I'm a picky bitch.

    That's awesome he's starting an instrument at such a young age! Hope he does well. For your ears, especially!

    BTW Jackson has a heart tattoo with Mom in it. If your son takes after him, then he will turn out pretty good. Just watch out for the crazy girls that follow him around ;)

    Here's his tattoo:

  3. Your son's school band has bass guitar players?! Wow, how cool is that? It's obviously not a marching band....that would be weird.

    Guitar is a great instrument to learn, be careful though because he will now be a babe magnet.

  4. "I can get a tattoo that says Me with a heart around it." Bwahahaha

    Congrats and good luck.

    I will be sure to buy a ticket to the concert! If we all go on the bus who will pay to go to the shows. I will sacrifice and be the paid concert goer, deal? (it is really just for my sanity... I mean safety).

    You should You Tube his practices so you can sell his life story next year.

  5. @jaymes805--I didn't know about Jackson's tattoo. Or I forgot because my brain only stores useless information. That is too funny.

    @likeitlemony--Noooooo! Girls have cooties.

    @Dangrdafne--That is a really good idea.

  6. Wicked!

    I've always wanted to tour. I can be your merch girl! ;o)

  7. DAMMIT! Blogger ate my awesome comment.


    Just make sure you take anything breakable off your shelves when he practices. The vibratiosn from a bass guitar can shake a fucking elephant off a shelf.

    And I'm down to tour. I've already got a handle of whiskey and a sleeping bag so I don't think I need anything else.

  8. Love it! Let's form a 'Kids of Twitarded' band. My oldest will be the singer, my youngest will be the body surfer/break dancer/all around booty shaker. We can start a reality show called 'Stage Mom Roadies' will be beautiful. I call shotgun! (I get carsick)

  9. School bands must be a lot cooler now than when I was a kid! HOLY MOLY!

  10. I'm glad you're taking this whole business of "the next generation" seriously - I've seen some of what's out there and I am largely unimpressed. It warms my cold heart to see him clutching that base like that - lol...

  11. LMAO!! Genius post, TK.

    Could you require that entire crowd cover themselves with a medical-grade, sterile tarp and then you could crowd surf on top of THAT? Then they aren't technically touching you. Bonus: if you puke up all that cheap booze (wth is Mad Dog, anyway?), no one's any worse for the wear... except maybe you. In a puddle of it. On a no-longer-sterile tarp.

    There may be some holes in my perfect plan.

  12. TK, when you guys tour through New Brunswick, you can totally sleep on my floor. Bring your own sleeping bag.

  13. That's awesome! Your sons gonna be the next John Bonam from Zeppelin or Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers. Depends on his taste in bass style I suppose. Tell him to listen to Funk music on Youtube, like Earth Wind and Fire, or Ska music by The Police. Their all amazing bass oriented groups. It should get him excited for the lessons. Or Paul MacCartney. Now he's an amazing bassist!

  14. @My After Car--We will work on this plan. It has potential. Also, you are better off not knowing what MD20/20 is. So is your liver.

  15. Yeah, yeah. It seems like a plan now, but keep in mind that plans don't always come together as we would like.

    I used to be The Awesome Cool Rugby Mom invited along to Florida for spring break rugby trips every year. [Duties included bringing a First Aid Kit and buying booze for the underage players.]

    Tomorrow, The Rugbyboy is going to propose to a beautiful young girl he just met FOUR MONTHS AGO!!!! WTF?? I saw the handwriting on the wall when he didn't come home to cut my grass for two months [Hello? July & August aren't really prime grass growing months?] I am no longer at the top of his list. I've been cast aside.

    So, TK, I hope all of YOUR dreams for your son come true, but make sure you have a Plan B.

  16. Wicked TK! #Thing2 plays the bass guitar in his school band too! I must warn you, however, that #Thing2 also has an acoustic guitar and a ukelele, so if your darling son is anything like mine, he's not gonna want to stop with just the one instrument.

    May I also suggest that you get him an amp with a headphone socket? There's only so much 'practising' mom's can handle!

    CC x


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