I'm all about civic pride, but I also really enjoy mocking things. When I clicked the link to the Pleated Jeans website, I thought it was going to be about Latchkey Wife's fashion sense, or complete lack thereof. Alas, it's just a collection of really funny items and I
Let's just go ahead and talk about the obvious. Texas is worst at high school graduation. Though I challenge anyone to brave a local Wal-Mart and tell me most of those patrons made it past first grade. Maine is the dumbest state. I'm not really sure what factors lead to that distinction (and I guarantee no one from Maine could tell you). I've called Latchkey Wife a lot of really horrible names, but dumb has never been one of them. Slutty, whorish and insufferable, yes. Never dumb. New Jersey is the worst at taxes. Really? They had so much material to choose from (and not all of it has been provided by JJ, STY & Myg) and they went with taxes? Lame.
I'm not sure what to say about Washington. I still don't know if being worst at bestiality means they have a lot of it or they're doing it badly. I fear the Cullens are throwing off statistics. I'm looking at that whole "we only hunt animals" thing in a whole new light now. I really need to know what happened to that deer in the opening sequence of Twilight. Or, is it the wolf pack skewing the numbers? There's just too many questions here.
"My family, we're different from others of our kind."
If you study the map (as I have many, many times) you'll notice some groupings that can't be coincidental. Take Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona for example. I guess once your alcoholism, cocaine use, and porn usage get out of hand, you just move to New Mexico and become anti-social. Or, you move your black liver and perforated septum to Kansas with all the other people in poor health.
Montana and Wyoming: get your shit together. Stop drinking and crashing. Wisconsin, Michigan Illinois are worst at binge drinking, unemployment and robbery, respectively. I'm sure I don't have to draw the dotted lines there.
It appears as though northeasterners have the life expectancy of a fruit fly. New Jersey and Maine are actually looking pretty good. Pretty much everything else in the north will either kill you or lead you to kill someone else. The least surprising state is Louisiana. Gonorrhea? Color me shocked.
Raise your hand if you have The Clap.
Here's a tip for the teachers in North Carolina: get in on the corruption in Tennessee. You deserve a few extra bucks.
Citizens of Alaska: Please just move to Hawaii. You'll be broke, but it beats the alternative. It could be a lot worse; you could live in Washington.
How does your state line up? If you live overseas, what state would like to try your luck in? Think hard about your answer; your life might depend on it.