Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Post-Cullen Washington (and Other Messed Up States)

 Mr. TK sent me the following map a little while back. Thankfully he didn't send it to my TK e-mail address as gmail has decided to fuck me in the ass AGAIN and eat a large chunk of my e-mails. If I owe you a reply it's really not because I'm ignoring you or am embracing my usual level of fail. I really can't find my e-mails. I swear. I'm about 32% sure it's not a user error. But I digress...

I'm all about civic pride, but I also really enjoy mocking things. When I clicked the link to the Pleated Jeans website, I thought it was going to be about Latchkey Wife's fashion sense, or complete lack thereof. Alas, it's just a collection of really funny items and I wasted wisely used an unbelievable amount of time reading a ton of what they have posted. This map highlights what every state is worst at. (I told you Twitarded was sometimes educational.)






Let's just go ahead and talk about the obvious. Texas is worst at high school graduation. Though I challenge anyone to brave a local Wal-Mart and tell me most of those patrons made it past first grade. Maine is the dumbest state. I'm not really sure what factors lead to that distinction (and I guarantee no one from Maine could tell you). I've called Latchkey Wife a lot of really horrible names, but dumb has never been one of them. Slutty, whorish and insufferable, yes. Never dumb. New Jersey is the worst at taxes. Really? They had so much material to choose from (and not all of it has been provided by JJ, STY & Myg) and they went with taxes? Lame.

I'm not sure what to say about Washington. I still don't know if being worst at bestiality means they have a lot of it or they're doing it badly. I fear the Cullens are throwing off statistics. I'm looking at that whole "we only hunt animals" thing in a whole new light now. I really need to know what happened to that deer in the opening sequence of Twilight. Or, is it the wolf pack skewing the numbers? There's just too many questions here. 

 "My family, we're different from others of our kind."

If you study the map (as I have many, many times) you'll notice some groupings that can't be coincidental. Take Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona for example. I guess once your alcoholism, cocaine use, and porn usage get out of hand, you just move to New Mexico and become anti-social. Or, you move your black liver and perforated septum to Kansas with all the other people in poor health.

Montana and Wyoming: get your shit together. Stop drinking and crashing. Wisconsin, Michigan Illinois are worst at binge drinking, unemployment and robbery, respectively. I'm sure I don't have to draw the dotted lines there.

It appears as though northeasterners have the life expectancy of a fruit fly. New Jersey and Maine are actually looking pretty good. Pretty much everything else in the north will either kill you or lead you to kill someone else. The least surprising state is Louisiana. Gonorrhea? Color me shocked. 

Raise your hand if you have The Clap.

Here's a tip for the teachers in North Carolina: get in on the corruption in Tennessee. You deserve a few extra bucks.

Citizens of Alaska: Please just move to Hawaii. You'll be broke, but it beats the alternative. It could be a lot worse; you could live in Washington. 

How does your state line up? If you live overseas, what state would like to try your luck in? Think hard about your answer; your life might depend on it.

31 comments:

  1. Bwahaha! As a born californian, I'll take air pollution over gonorrhea any day!

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  2. Woot! WI--binge drinking. I'll drink to that!

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  3. Born and raised in Michigan...Worst at unemployment? Try BEST! I'm talkin' gold stars for your effort, here! Ugh. My poor (literally) baby bro has been unemployed for over a year and a half with sole custody of his daughter. He lost his place, then lost his car. He now lives with my mom and is out every single day at temp agencies, pushing out resumes...It breaks my heart.

    Now that we're past the fact that most of these states' claims to fame are worded badly, I will tell you something about my new home state, Oregon. Homeless population? IT IS THE FUCKING TRUTH. You cannot go anywhere without seeing someone with a cardboard sign. The good side? They keep The Bentist employed! He's the head dentist at a NPO that specializes in medical services for low-income and homeless people in the area. Keep it up, Oregon! You're paying MY bills since you don't have any!!

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  4. Air pollution. I'm **cough cough** shocked. Surely car theft ranks a percentage from beating poor air quality.

    I just hope that when we move to Oregon next month that my family doesn't become homeless. Which could very well happen since I don't think we have thought our move through completely.

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  5. Wow, that is one very depressing map. I agree with Lindsay Rae, we are unemployment experts here in the mitten. Stories like her brother's are unfortunately all too common. It is damn near impossible to find a job, much less one that pays a wage that can support a family. Our new state motto is "for lease". Oh well, at least we have our health and we respect our animals.

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  6. Arson??? Really?? I guess I am glad I haven't been aware of that fact.

    I LOVE the Oregon picture and caption! Bwahahahahaha

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  7. LMAO - homeless population infuckingdeed. They're aggressive, too. Someone just a few weeks ago got put in a headlock and had their face spit on by some jilted panhandler at a MAX station.

    I'm concerned about Washington. I'm glad I keep my cats indoors now - those crazies are right over the river!

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  8. OMG! Beastiality? Seriously? **face palm** So here's the story:
    Some guy (read perv) was killed (read royally f*cked) while attempting sex with an animal. I’m not sure if it was a horse, mule, or donkey and tbh I really don’t want to know any details what so ever.
    Ew ick!! I feel like I need to go shower now....

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  9. HAHAHA. Bankruptcy is so true here in MO.
    I grew up outside of Portland, Or. in animal-loving Wa, and I remember a homeless problem. In fact my my mother's favorite line when we brought home a crap grade was "Do you wanna end up living under the Burnside Bridge with all the other bums?"

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  10. Home grown WI girl. The thing about living here is that the liquor culture is so engrained we are truly proud of our binge-drinking status! (It's better than being from Louisiana for fuck's sake!) I even belong to a FB group called "Wisconsin! Out drinking your state since 1848!"

    Binge-drinking FTMFW in 6 days! I hope my cirrhosis doesn't act up.

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  11. The worst they could say about us is that we never die? Really? I think I need to compile a list for the makers of this map. But it is true, I almost never see and obituary from a person under 80, 90-100 is not even that uncommon. No wonder we're the oldest state. That and the fact that nearly every college graduate who can fucks off to somewhere with more interesting faults.

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  12. I should live in the Dumbest State since I need another map just to figure out what the state names are.

    This little graphic will be shared widely. Thank you TK!

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  13. This explains quite a bit about the Middle School open house I attended last night in North Carolina.

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  14. OH MAN!!! All of us Washingtonians are never going to live down what the group of horse effers did!! Freaking Enumclaw (that's the name of the city where it occured)!

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  15. Clearly JJ is to be blamed for the NY commute assessment. Yes, I know she rant about the NJTA, but still.

    Now I want to move to Nevada. Bring on the porn.

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  16. @Adonicass - That's actually Utah. heh heh heh! The "Mormon" state.

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  17. Georgia: Most Sickly? WTH does that even mean? Clearly we aren't drunk, high, ugly (arguably a sickness), stupid (definitely a sickness), suicidal, obese, cancerous, or victims of STDs, cancer, stroke, or heart attacks. And we aren't in the "poorest health" (thank you, whatever state that is above Oklahoma).

    So here's my life plan. Move to Colorado to sell cocaine (their title is only shocking because it isn't "marijuana use"), maybe hiring some Texans to work for sub-minimum wage as my runners, 'cause you know, they dumb [sic]. Make tons of money. Move to Massachusetts and sue someone for rear-ending me. Make more money. Retire in Hawaii. Give rest of disease- and stupidity-ridden country the proverbial middle finger. Die happy.

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  18. The thing I find most appalling about this whole thing is the % of the states I recognize for certain - I am sure my 4th-grade geography teacher would be appalled (but they probably left the state of NJ a long time ago because of the taxes).

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  19. The photo with Rob and the deer and the caption gets tears rolling down my face each time I look at it.

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  20. Out of all the problems California has... gangs, drug use, corruption, illegal immigration, rape, homelessness, murder, shitty driving, and we get air pollution? That only applies to Los Angeles (I should know, I've lived in both LA and San Francisco and San Fran air is so much cleaner).

    Not too suprised to see Georgia's the most sickly state. Almost all the zombie stuff I have points to that state as being the epicentre of the zombie apocalypse (namely The Walking Dead and Left 4 Dead 2).

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  21. My geograhphy of the US is pretty atrocious so this is a very educational blog entry for me. Every day is a school day!!

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  22. Its also handy to bear in mind if I ever plan a trip Stateside again - which states to avoid and which to head for - binge drinking, I'm good at that :) (being Irish and if we're doing stereotypes).

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  23. Representin' in Oklahoma...land of the female criminals. At least we've got street cred, what can I say?!

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  24. @STY - I am so dissapointed in myself now. I only know what about half of the states are. My memory of all those East coast states is long gone. :-( Except Florida & Maine. I know those two.

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  25. Nevada has crime?! I would know about this if I ever watched the news, but they don't really stop Dora or Spongebob for breaking news.

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  26. After growing up in IL, especially the Chicago area, I would say the corruption rate would be much higher than robbery! As for my adopted state (IA), I live and work in a university town, so I guess I don't see the "Oldest" around here. :)

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  27. I live in Virginia & was considering buying my husband a motorcycle for his 40th birthday, but I am now re-thinking that - worst in motorcycle deaths....yikes!!!

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  28. OHHHH! I'm going to move to N. Dakota so I can be PRETTY among the ugly people!

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  29. While this map was fucking hysterical, it forced to come to the realization that I know absolutely NOTHING about geography. Seriously. Apparently there are only four states in my head - North, West, Middle America and South.

    Ladies - your comments have been ridiculously hysterical. And I had NO idea there was really a "horse" thing that happened in Washington!! I'm too afraid to look it up so I'll just take your word for it.

    I can attest to the truth as far as New York and New Jersey are concerned, though both are pretty lame compared to "porn usage" and "cocaine". I apparently don't get to look at enough my porn, my coke habit is non-existent but my property taxes have gone up twice already and we haven't even lived here 2 years. I'd throw out the number on my .000042 acre 2-bedroom house but I know I'll just want to murder someone when I find out they only pay 2K a year for a six bedroom hacienda on sixteen acres somewhere else. I'm pretty sure I could hire a gaggle of strippers, housemaids and fluffers year-round for what I pay for fucking taxes.

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  30. Being the Washingtonian in the group, and that the hospital I once worked at had the pleasure of dealing with a "BIG" one--WA State does have issues in beastiality. We're talking horses here people. EWWWW, I know!

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  31. it is a pity that you had problem with your e-mail provider. I don't know it supposes to work great for everybody.

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