We here at Twitarded tend to spend an awful lot of time daydreaming about all the borderline illegal sexual acts we would most like to perform on our favorite Twilight characters. My daydreaming is pretty one-track -- it basically begins with 'Ed' and ends with 'ward' and sometimes I like to sprinkle bits of Carlisle on top. My dream Twilight threesome? Edward and Carlisle fo sho!
So I got to thinking about all the other characters of Twilight and how many of them I find utterly revolting. To tell you the truth, I'm having a hard time limiting my list to just 5 -- guess that's why I titled the post "Top Five"! Although, after the hideousness of that fucking Breaking Dawn calendar, even Edward and Carlisle are lucky they don't find themselves here.
Without further ado...*drumroll please* -- here's a small sampling of the long list of Twilight characters I definitely don't want bumpin' my uglies.
#5: Laurent: Who the fuck knows when the last time that dirtymotherfuckervampire took a shower. Plus, I don't really want him to kill me. Really not my scene.
#4: Mike Newton: Because I don't really want him to yell out during sex -- "how you likin' da cock, Arizona?!"
#3: Tyler Crowley: Any guy that can't handle driving a minivan will definitely not be able to handle driving me! Now Edward Cullen... that's a different story.
#2: Eric Yorkie: If that little fucker thinks he's taking any "pictures" of me for the school paper, he is sadly mistaken. And may end up in my freezer. Or maybe I'll end up in his freezer. *shivers*
#1: Waylon Forge: I'm scared to think of what Buttcrack Santa wants to do with those little bottles the kids love so much. Plus, he's not a real Twilight character so just the fact he's in the movie earns him top billing for who's NOT getting in my pants.
When I was doing my research for this post, I realized I would be hard pressed to find 5 characters with whom I did want to do the horizontal tango. Does that make me a bad Twilight fan? Who squicks you out the most?
Here it is...your moment of Robert Pattinson
5 hours ago