Friday, September 9, 2011

Top Five Twilight Characters Who Will Not Be Gettin' In Ma Pants

We here at Twitarded tend to spend an awful lot of time daydreaming about all the borderline illegal sexual acts we would most like to perform on our favorite Twilight characters. My daydreaming is pretty one-track -- it basically begins with 'Ed' and ends with 'ward' and sometimes I like to sprinkle bits of Carlisle on top. My dream Twilight threesome? Edward and Carlisle fo sho!

So I got to thinking about all the other characters of Twilight and how many of them I find utterly revolting. To tell you the truth, I'm having a hard time limiting my list to just 5 -- guess that's why I titled the post "Top Five"! Although, after the hideousness of that fucking Breaking Dawn calendar, even Edward and Carlisle are lucky they don't find themselves here.

Without further ado...*drumroll please* -- here's a small sampling of the long list of Twilight characters I definitely don't want bumpin' my uglies.

#5: Laurent: Who the fuck knows when the last time that dirtymotherfuckervampire took a shower. Plus, I don't really want him to kill me. Really not my scene.

#4: Mike Newton: Because I don't really want him to yell out during sex -- "how you likin' da cock, Arizona?!"

#3: Tyler Crowley: Any guy that can't handle driving a minivan will definitely not be able to handle driving me! Now Edward Cullen... that's a different story.

#2: Eric Yorkie: If that little fucker thinks he's taking any "pictures" of me for the school paper, he is sadly mistaken. And may end up in my freezer. Or maybe I'll end up in his freezer. *shivers*

#1: Waylon Forge: I'm scared to think of what Buttcrack Santa wants to do with those little bottles the kids love so much. Plus, he's not a real Twilight character so just the fact he's in the movie earns him top billing for who's NOT getting in my pants.

When I was doing my research for this post, I realized I would be hard pressed to find 5 characters with whom I did want to do the horizontal tango. Does that make me a bad Twilight fan? Who squicks you out the most?


  1. I think I'd have to put Mr. Banner on my list. The last thing I want to hear during sexy times is "Green is good."

  2. James would definitely have to cut that dirty ponytail before I hit that. And sorry Billy Black, I'm just not that into you. Other than that, I think this list is pretty damn good. Although I'd totally hit it with Mike Newton in this lifetime movie he was in. He played a psycho killer or something but he was getting it on w his girlfriend at the beginning and he had some nice back muscles going on...kinda like someone else we know.

  3. The number one no for me has got to be Waylon, shudder. Are we sure that he wasn't "getting rid of evidence" on that boat?

  4. Taylor Lautner is cute and all and smooth in an interview - but he bugs the crap out of me as Jacob. I throw up a little bit every time I rewatch the scene when he kisses Bella. So gross. So wrong. I just want to scream out "stop touching me!"

  5. Poor Tyler..nearly ran over the police chiefs daughter and got ran out of town. At least that's what I like to think happened to him between Twilight and New Moon

  6. Mike. Especially New Moon Mike. Because if Mike was Chinese-American, he would look like my ex-boyfriend. They already got the pudginess and the "I can't sit through gory/scary/violent movies and need my date to hold my hand" shtick down.

  7. I would hit it with Laurent before I hit it with Harry Clearwater or Mr. Berty (the English teacher from New Moon). And even if he weren't a drunk rapist, Royce King gives me the creeps. He doesn't rock the 'stache as well as Billy's version of Charlie does.

  8. Renesmee

    Not because she's bi-species, but because her existence and annoying, fucking name killed the series for me.

    V/W: fookene. "I'm not sure I'd fookene one but Edward."

  9. I need to take a shower after reading this. Thanks, LKW.

  10. Buttcrack Santa's voice alone is creepy.

    And then there is Marcus. He got shortchanged on the vampire camouflage.

    It may seem unfair because we don't get to see him, but if Kirk is so skinny AND padding his speedo, then it doesn't sound like he has much to offer. :)

  11. I'd have to go with Charlie. As much as I love Billy Burke, as Charlie he looks just like my dad, and that would just be creepy. Thanks so much for shoving that image in my head!

  12. Green light to the Cullen men, Charlie, Felix, Demitri... and of course, KStew (Bella, though, no). Everyone else... not gonna happen. Maybe after BD2, when the vampire population on-screen explodes, the 'hot' list will actually be longer than the 'ew' list. Sad, Summit, sad.

  13. The entire wolf pack would need to work on those flabby abs before I would consider them anywhere near the hottie status that I had in my head when I read the books. And I have a different Jacob in my head so I would never bump uglies with Taylor Lautner. So basically, I wouldn't get naked on the Res...

  14. I was laughing hard enough for my kid to come running in the room when I read "Buttcrack Santa". I think my #1 would be Eric. He just doesn't do anything for me and it still pisses me off that the movies totally left out Ben! Were they even paying attention to the book when they wrote the screen play!

  15. There are a few pack members that I would not hit. I just find them short and that comes to mind, SAM, I just kinda find him repulsive.

  16. Rosalie. She just seems like a whole'lotta take and no give, and mama needs give. I also don't do dogs. Book Jake sounds hot, Taytay is short, izallimsayin.

  17. Top 5 I'd Fuck:

    1-4) ANY Cullen male. I've seen three of the four with my own eyes IRL and if given the opportunity, I'd ride their cocksicles until they melted.

    5) Let's be fair. Ashley Greene is TOTALLY hot enough to turn me into a world class carpet muncher.

    Top Five that make my vagina wither & die:

    1) Any of the male patrons in the Twilight restaurant scene. The dude thinking of his cat.....eeeew.

    2) Jacob. Obviously. Because I hate that fucker.

    3 & 4) Felix & Marcus of The Volturi. Felix is a brainless brute with an annoying lisp. Marcus probably smells like aged testicle cheese & mothballs.

    5) The newborn who has no arms because Jasper ripped them off. Bascially, if you don't have good hands to get shit started, I'm out.


  18. You guys are TOTALLY addicted, moggy, insane, did I mention addicted. Some serious psychological problems here ---- but then I've got my own - just not Twitarded

  19. I would totally do Mr. Banner. But I have a girl boner for science.

  20. #4: Mike Newton: Because I don't really want him to yell out during sex -- "how you likin' da cock, Arizona?!"

    When I read this, I just about choked on my coffee! I HATE that line in the movie and after reading Midnight Sun, Mike Newton is not high on my list anyway. He and Jessica deserve each other and I wouldn't let that horny little jerk touch me with someone else's bod.

    I'm a devoted Edward gal and he's the only one I wanna do in the books. In the movies, I'm still all about Edward, but Carlisle, and Charlie (minus the fake 'stache) are some kinda hot too. I'd do all three - one at a time please!

  21. Well now that I think about it...just like you LKW there's more people I would NOT like to "do the deed" with. All of the human men in Forks (except Charlie). Caius, Markus, Alec, Dimitri & Felix (the last two are hot in RL though). The only MALE wolfpack member that is totally gross to me is Quil. Laurent. All of the Newborn army were gross except Reiley. Sooooo...yeah. That leaves very few people. Hopefully some of the vamp dudes that pop up in BD will be hot.

  22. Ones that would NEVER get near my girlyparts:

    Buttcrack Santa
    Stupid Mike Newton
    Laurent and his gross dreadlocks

    That being said, I would totally be the filling on a Edward and Emmett sandwich. Yummy!

  23. Oh. My. God. My mother has commented on this post... *headdesk* I musta talked about you guys once too often. My happy place has been parentally invaded. Where's my prozac......?!

    WV: harmizat 'how much harmizat doing to me that my MOTHER has been here?'


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