I'm sure it's completely normal to spend a good portion of your day contemplating how similar you are to a vampire. I've spent more and more time doing that over the past few years since I read Twilight. (Has it really been that long?) Something occurred to me the other day — maybe vampirism is just a symptom of old age.
This is so close to what I look like in the morning it's creepy.
Maybe vampires aren't blood-thirsty half-demons. Maybe they are just regular people getting kicked in the teeth by the ravages of time. Let's examine the facts.
Vampires don't sleep. Neither do I. I think I last slept when Carter was in office. I survive on cat naps (and sometimes naps with actual cats).
Edward can't digest pizza. Neither can I. Ever since I turned thirty (you know, last year cough, cough, cough) my body will not accept pizza or hot dogs or any other kind of yummy junk food. I'm not sure I could survive an eternity of this.
Damn you, irritable bowel syndrome. Damn you to Hell.
A vampire's skin is hard. So is mine. It's scaly too. It's like my vampire power is the ability to lose all moisture in my skin. I have a full-time job exfoliating and slathering lotion on my person.
A vampire's skin is cold. I could make a vampire look warm-blooded. I have no circulation (possibly due to my lack of heart). I'm always cold. My fingers are like frozen hot dogs, which is why I don't eat my fingers.
Vampires are impossibly fast and strong. I think I've become faster and stronger in my old age. My time on this earth is waning and I can't afford to waste any of it. Have you ever seen a child in front of me in the movie theater ticket line? No. Why? I'm faster than they are. Do you see any youngin's at the shoe store balancing eight boxes of boots and pumps with one arm? No. Why? I'm stronger than they are.
It's like this, but with shoes.
A vampire has pale white skin. Really? I am the fairest of them all and it has nothing to do with my average looks.
Vampires sparkle in the sun. I'm really not sure here. I don't go outside much, but I've been told I have a dazzling personality. Ahem.
It's like looking into the sun. I'm talking about me, of course.
Vampires have supersonic hearing. I totally have this. I can hear a Skittles wrapper being opened two miles away.
How about you? Do you find yourself turning more and more undead on each birthday? How long until I look like Alice should have looked in the movies? Can I skip ahead to that part?