Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I'm Turning into a Vampire

Don't worry -- we're NOT making TK work during her maternity leave. Although if it was up to me, she'd be chained to her computer with one hand on the keyboard while the other attended to her brand new mini. New mothers can change diapers one-handed, right? Anyway, she was nice (and organized, shocker) enough to leave us with a few TK MIA posts to use in her absence. I thought this one was appropriate given her current status!!


I'm sure it's completely normal to spend a good portion of your day contemplating how similar you are to a vampire. I've spent more and more time doing that over the past few years since I read Twilight. (Has it really been that long?) Something occurred to me the other day — maybe vampirism is just a symptom of old age.

This is so close to what I look like in the morning it's creepy.

Maybe vampires aren't blood-thirsty half-demons. Maybe they are just regular people getting kicked in the teeth by the ravages of time. Let's examine the facts.

Vampires don't sleep. Neither do I. I think I last slept when Carter was in office. I survive on cat naps (and sometimes naps with actual cats). 

Edward can't digest pizza. Neither can I. Ever since I turned thirty (you know, last year cough, cough, cough) my body will not accept pizza or hot dogs or any other kind of yummy junk food. I'm not sure I could survive an eternity of this.

Damn you, irritable bowel syndrome. Damn you to Hell.

A vampire's skin is hard. So is mine. It's scaly too. It's like my vampire power is the ability to lose all moisture in my skin. I have a full-time job exfoliating and slathering lotion on my person.

A vampire's skin is cold. I could make a vampire look warm-blooded. I have no circulation (possibly due to my lack of heart). I'm always cold. My fingers are like frozen hot dogs, which is why I don't eat my fingers.

Vampires are impossibly fast and strong. I think I've become faster and stronger in my old age. My time on this earth is waning and I can't afford to waste any of it. Have you ever seen a child in front of me in the movie theater ticket line? No. Why? I'm faster than they are. Do you see any youngin's at the shoe store balancing eight boxes of boots and pumps with one arm? No. Why? I'm stronger than they are.

 It's like this, but with shoes.

A vampire has pale white skin. Really? I am the fairest of them all and it has nothing to do with my average looks.

Vampires sparkle in the sun. I'm really not sure here. I don't go outside much, but I've been told I have a dazzling personality. Ahem.

 It's like looking into the sun. I'm talking about me, of course.

Vampires have supersonic hearing. I totally have this. I can hear a Skittles wrapper being opened two miles away. 

How about you? Do you find yourself turning more and more undead on each birthday? How long until I look like Alice should have looked in the movies? Can I skip ahead to that part?


  1. Congrats on the little munchkin!

    I don't think I resemble vampires at all. I'm growing older every damn day. My mind isn't as sharp as it used to be. I'm not irresistible. I'm not swimming in money, and sometimes I smell funky. I don't think my scent will attract my prey. Hmm. Sucks to be me, huh?

  2. :) Yay Mink TK! I hope you're teaching her feet how to handle heels from birth... And none of that Chinese foot binding shit, m'kay? I want her hot, not hobbling.

    As far as my vampirism, it's pretty subtle. My venom is known to cause serious fucking damage, though.

  3. Nope, I dont resemble a vamp at all... unless you count the dark circles beneath my eyes from many many many sleepless nights. Honey, I've had three boys and they still dont sleep through the night. It's like a game of whack a mole in my house. Bonk one over the head, the other pops up. Ugh! When will the insanity end?!

    Congrats on the little bundle of joy btw! Enjoy this age because before you know it you have a mouthy tween on your hands.

  4. I've had the supersonic hearing for years, tbh its damn fucking annoying - trying to sleep while hearing the couple over the road in their house have an arguement is fucking annoying!!

    However I do not sparkle in the sun, but i do burn, so i'm guessing im an old school iwtv vamp one day i'll turn to dust. lol

  5. you could have written this post about me. We'll be undead together with our super hearing and shiny white skin. sigh. At least the pale look is in now.

    Congrats too!

  6. Why am I suddenly CERTAIN that Joan Rivers is totally a vampire???

  7. I'm turning into a zombie. On that note, must go do more dishes, laundry, wrapping, cleanup... Braaaaaaaaaains!

  8. Yes. Yes, I am becoming more vampiric with the onset of middle age. The only thing I lack from your list? Strong and fast....nope, those do not factor in whatsoever.

    Hope all is well in the TK household!

  9. @STY - Joan Rivers is totally a vampire. And Keith Richards is a zombie.

    I'm sort of like a vampire - pale, doesn't sleep much. But I missed out on that whole strong and beautiful part. Dammit.


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