Thursday, October 13, 2011

You Say Robsten; I Say Mr. Beansten.

In usual TK fashion, I am not up to date on anything. I somehow missed the collective pants-shitting over Kristen Stewart's GQ UK interview. (As an aside, how bloody hard is it to say "GQ UK?" That does not roll off the tongue. Try it. Say it. Out loud.) KStew looks retro fabulous in the few photos I saw.

I want that red dress. Someone buy it for me.

I have never taken a side in what has been known as the great Robsten vs. Nonsten debate. I tend to be very opinionated on all the great issues of our time, so it is quite appalling that I've overlooked this one. I mean, in RL, I rarely fail to weigh in on any political, social or ethical issue. Third world debt and childhood hunger be damned; the time has come for me to choose a side in the —sten debate. Why? Because in the interview Kristen stated unequivocally...

"My boyfriend is English." 

[Insert dramatic music]

I guess that settles it. Kristen is without a doubt dating one of the sixty-two million citizens of the United Kingdom. There is no denying it now. If we are scientific about it, I think we can narrow down the suspects. Let's remove the obvious ones who aren't the Queen's subjects.







As mentioned above, that leaves us with roughly sixty-two million people. This might take more than one blog post. Let's discuss a few of the possibilities.

The entire cast of the Harry Potter movies—Pretty much all of Great Britain was in these movies.

HRH, The Prince of Wales—There is nothing I can say here that won't start an international incident.

Mr. Bean—Don't discount him. The photo is kind of hypnotic the longer you look at it.

The Crown Jewels — I'd tap that.

Bangers and Mash — Sometimes noms are better than boys.

James Bond — Dude. It's 007. Women are powerless. 

A Land Rover — Its smooth ride and off-road capabilities make it a solid contender.

Of course, maybe KStew just meant her boyfriend speaks English. That just royally fucks up my scientific method though. We can't entertain those theories lest our heads explode. Who is your pick for Kristen's alleged boyfriend? As of now, I am officially Team Mr. Beansten. I hope those crazy kids can make it work.


  1. First, w00t!

    Team Robsten. Always have been. I will need grief counseling the day they break up (which won't happen because they are going to get married... There may still be an eleven year old girl in my head who forces me to believe this stuff.)

    Hi-effing-larious post, TK! More power to kstew if she is, in fact, dating a Land Rover. Hope it's a manual...

  2. Omfg, it's about time we all weighed in on this extremely important topic. After years of giving non(sten) answers, she let's this slip in GQ. Yeah, no one will pick up on that. Although I would love to see Charles with someone more of this century, I do believe that her mystery boyfriend is.....RPattz. Shocking, right? Don't really care who they are banging, just want them to be happy and safe. I don't know why they fight so hard to avoid the couple label. They still get the same amount of fandemonium.

  3. Another winner, TK! Kudos!

    Re: Entire Cast of the Harry Potter Movies....this would, in fact, include that theory gets my vote. It's like a clever clue in the enigma of -sten.

    Since I know that JoliRob can never happen, I have never really cared if the Precious is knockin' boots with The Stew. As long as he's available for my fantasies upon command, I'm good.

    For the record, I, too, would tap the Crown Jewels. Hell, I'd tap Charles to get to them.

  4. First, Oh My Hell this had me laughing so hard, especially the crown jewels and the Land Rover for some reason!
    I personally am team Robsten, but I'm also "it's their business if they want to share it with us if they want." everyones entitled to their privacy, They're people just like us... except filthy rich... any-who, I do enjoy the pictures of them together and some of the emotion you see in them you can't fake, but i'd be happy either way (they are both extremely good looking and on my List (you know the one that says "if i ever get a chance at them it's okay to indulge because it's a rarity", that your Hubby has to agreed to because he gets one too?)
    So Team Robsten or Team Meh-as-long-as-they're-happy

  5. LMAO! Hilarious post! She can't go wrong with bangers and mash. bahaha!

  6. LOL! Def Team Beansten, although before this post I was firmly Team Robsten - I love a good love story. <3

    My w/v is "stabi" <-- Robsten debate makes TK feel stabi?

  7. I still like the Tom Sturridge theory. Rpattz just there to throw us off...

  8. That will be the United Kingdom of Great Britain that includes: Scotland, England, Wales and Northern Ireland. TK, you never mentioned the Welsh, they speak English, as well as Welsh funnily enough! So I'm guessing it's Tom Jones....that's it, I'm definitely Team Jonessten all the way.

    Fabulous article as always,


  9. @laxplays--*smacks forehead* Of course it's Tom Jones! It's so obvious! Bloody 'ell! What was I thinking?

  10. I have read this post at least three times and each time I fucking lose it at "KStew Y U no like my motherfucking snakes on my motherfucking plane".

    Mr. Bean frightens me.

    And I don't give a flying fuck who she's fucking. Or him. Unless they're banging unicorns or something. Cuz' that's just weird.

  11. This post was awesome TK!! Love it!! I am team Robsten but I don't care as long as I can still fantasize about The Precious! Now Tom Jones on the other hand, how hilarious!! That's a fine piece of Welsh meat! Lol!

  12. I love you TK...I do.

    Oddly enough my boyfriend is English too. It couldn't possibly be the same person....could it?

  13. Oh, TK that was awesome!
    I'm pretty sure I've been vocal enough about this on twitter that you know where I stand. LOL

  14. I honestly don't care who that girl is doing as long as it isn't MY English boyfriend. MINE! MINE! *bounces off the padded walls in my color coordinated straitjacket*

  15. @myaftercar - well of COURSE they will marry and maybe have beautiful babies and be together forever and live happily ever... : )


    @kintail - what it KSTEW is the distraction in that group??? (ok I don't really believe that i just felt like stirring up the pot this fine Friday afternoon.)

  16. Still Team Don't-Give-a-Crapsten. If Rob's not banging me, I don't care who he's banging. Even if it's Twitchy. I'm not a huge fan of hers but meh, he could do worse.

    @STY: ever read mskathy's The Trip Home? What if NONE of them are distractions? Hmmmm..........

  17. If I'm not personally involved I really don't care who is banging who. Heck, RPatz could be gay and I wouldn't really care... in fact RPatz might be WAY more interesting if he was gay. He's hotter than hot ought to be allowed and he might be a fabulous friend and person (it would be nice to find this out first hand, wouldn't it?), but his public persona needs a transplant.

  18. I'm another one who has never taken sides in the Great Robsten vs Nonsten Debate. I'm always been Team Whatever Makes Rob Smile.

    Now that Kristen has stated her boyfriend is English, I feel compelled to take a stand. Officially team Bondsten. Just not sure which Bond actor she is with. There are enough Bonds for her to have a different one every day of the week.

  19. Wonderful memories you post in here i still remember so many movies that made me laugh because they were so bad and even characters, but well actors have to eat too, just like us hahaha


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