I want that red dress. Someone buy it for me.
"My boyfriend is English."
[Insert dramatic music]
I guess that settles it. Kristen is without a doubt dating one of the sixty-two million citizens of the United Kingdom. There is no denying it now. If we are scientific about it, I think we can narrow down the suspects. Let's remove the obvious ones who aren't the Queen's subjects.
KSTEW, Y U NO LIKE COOKIES?
KSTEW, Y U NO LIKE WAX ON?
KSTEW, Y U NO LIKE MY MEAT?
KSTEW, Y U NO LIKE TO WRESTLE MY GATOR?
KSTEW, Y U NO LIKE MY MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON MY MOTHERFUCKING PLANE?
KSTEW, Y U NO WANT TO KISS MY STONE?
As mentioned above, that leaves us with roughly sixty-two million people. This might take more than one blog post. Let's discuss a few of the possibilities.
The entire cast of the Harry Potter movies—Pretty much all of Great Britain was in these movies.
HRH, The Prince of Wales—There is nothing I can say here that won't start an international incident.
Mr. Bean—Don't discount him. The photo is kind of hypnotic the longer you look at it.
The Crown Jewels — I'd tap that.
Bangers and Mash — Sometimes noms are better than boys.
James Bond — Dude. It's 007. Women are powerless.
A Land Rover — Its smooth ride and off-road capabilities make it a solid contender.
Of course, maybe KStew just meant her boyfriend speaks English. That just royally fucks up my scientific method though. We can't entertain those theories lest our heads explode. Who is your pick for Kristen's alleged boyfriend? As of now, I am officially Team Mr. Beansten. I hope those crazy kids can make it work.