Friday, November 18, 2011

Breaking Dawn: Part 1. And The Earth Actually Stops Spinning on its Axis Briefly

NOTE - THIS IS SPOILER FREE. We're going to do our in-depth analysis of this movie in about a week or so, to give you lovely twatwaffles a chance to actually see it before we take a gigantic dump on someone's terrible looking wig (which would actually be an improvement but see? I didn't tell you who it was.). 

Like most of you, last night Snarkier Than You and I donned some Twi-gear and headed out to the theater (in our case, one in New York City) to watch the premiere of Breaking Dawn: Before the Spawn. We took the subway to the World Trade Center stop, emerged into the briskly cold and windy New York City streets and promptly got lost. Seriously, we must have walked around the Freedom Tower fifty times before we finally saw two other Twihard-looking girls and followed them to the theater, which was located smack in the middle of a construction zone.

 Look kids! Big Ben Freedom Tower...

We got some corndog bites (actually, I got the last ones and STY glared at me like I just told her I was pregnant and naming my kid Renesmess) and made our way into the theater. We patiently sat through some raffles (we didn't win, natch) and then nine million fucking previews (some were good, one in particular, SQUEEEEEE!!!) and then the lights dimmed, the crowd started screaming and Breaking Dawn began.

 I don't think he liked the corndogs...

I love lots of things about this fandom but watching BD in a theater packed with Twi-hards is a blast. The oohing and aaahing when Edward shows up onscreen (or Jacob takes off his shirt), the catcalling and laughing-- it really makes for a great time. I figured that I would still have a good time, even if the movie sucked. 

 Awwww, how... wholesome? Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

So, here's the thing-- I know we've said over and over and over again how awful Breaking Dawn is going to be. We said it's going to be an abomination, that our brain cells will implode in group protest against the film.

The bottom line is we were positive that this movie was going to suck the most epic monkey-balls in the entire universe.

We were wrong. Well, mostly.

Breaking Dawn was actually... really good. I never once thought I would utter that phrase with a straight face or not tinged with sarcasm. Satan is officially throwing snowballs in hell (which is good because I'm not a fan of hot weather).

That pretty much sums it up for me. And  a lot of you, as well. 

Don't get me wrong, there were definitely some parts that were facepalm-worthy and one or two that were so awkwardly awful that if I could have, I would have crawled under my seat in full-on secondhand embarrassment.

But mostly it was pretty good. I really want to expand on that but I'm trying to my hardest not to give away any spoilers so I'm going to just leave it at this:

I, Jenny Jerkface, who has done nothing but mock and rag on Breaking Dawn for the entire 2+ years I have been writing this blog, think that Breaking Dawn: Before the Spawn was actually a fucking good movie**.

Wow. That was harder than I thought it would be.

I'm assuming the majority of you will probably be sitting in the theaters tonight, wriggling in your seats with anticipation (or maybe because your flask is uncomfortably jutting into your hip). Have fun! Be safe!

**But I still hate the book {{ducks as hundreds of Twitards throw their hardcover BD books at me}}


  1. Dammit, I probably won't get to see it till next week even though it came out tonight over here. If Jenny Jerkface says it doesn't suck hairy donkey balls or blow a dirty dick then it HAS to be good.

    And I would never throw my hardback copy of BD at you. Actually, maybe I would. Just to get rid of it :) I only have one because it came with the other three.

  2. Flask? Please. I brought a bottle of champagne and plastic cups in my Mary Poppins/Hermione Grainger bag. What, I'm classy - it was a good bottle. The blood-red, heart-shaped jello shots I also pulled from my purse probably weren't quite so classy.

    And, I have to agree. Based on the moans, cheers, and one seizure (nope, not kidding) in the theater around me, I'm guessing that most fans approved. It's about freaking time. YAY for a ~90% good Twilight movie!

  3. Just got back from seeing the movie with Tiolie tonight! We had a great time and thought the movie was very good. The audience undeniably enjoyed it based on the cheers, laughter, ooing and ahhing. I was pleasantly surprised to see a lot of guys in the audience too. I definitely plan on seeing it again.

  4. Can't wait to find out what the goofy stuff was, in your opinion. I saw some, but I loved the movie so much, I can barely recall! :D

  5. Like many of you, I bought my tickets while we were cavorting at the Elk's Lodge in Fooooorks. We strolled in to the theater around 10:30 [an hour and a half before the movie was to start] only to discover they had let people in around 8:30! We were in the second row from the screen! That was awful!

    When we went back this afternoon, we were very early, and got to select our seats in a decent area. Some of the stuff that looked weird last night, was actually OK when we weren't looking straight up the actor's noses.

    I know there is one thing we will all agree was wrong with the movie, but overall, I think they really captured the story from the book [unlike Eclipse].

    But, of course, even if the movie did suck monkey balls, we would go see it again, just to see Edward Cullen - eye candy!

  6. Stupid me didn't think the eleventy billion showings at my theater would sell out, but they did. I am going on Monday because that is my next available day. I cannot wait. I am sure I will see it a few times in the theater. I was super pissed when I arrived at the theater to find all shows sold out. BOOO to my poor planning. I'm glad you enjoyed it because I expected to be making fun of it the entire time.

  7. As mentioned above, I saw it tonight with IGiveUp & had a blast. The audience was pretty much a mixed bag, even saw 2 or 3 chicks in wedding gowns. Overall, I dug the movie and definitely will see it once or twice more. :D

  8. "They" came by this morning to revoke my Twi-hard card and all of my fake "Basement Red Carpet Walk" stuff because I have not yet seen the prequel-"Breaking Dawn - Before the Spawn" I managed to talk them down letting them know that my usually mid-night showing partner had a nasty case of some nose-stuffed up, lung clogging, coughing-fit, virus and I just couldn't face it alone... I needed the morale support!

    They gave me a pass but painted a HUGE Red Chess Piece on the tree in front of my house and posted a notice as warning to others. “Shame is cast upon this house and the TWI-HARD within it. Get thee to the SAGA... or ELSE!"

    I'm not sure what "ELSE" is.. but I’m pretty sure it involves wearing one of those hideous wigs you mentioned. *SHIVERS*

    I'm going to see it today with the Hubs.... I usually like to see it a couple of times before I see it with the hubs... it's a come-back prep thing.

  9. Don't worry, I still hate the book too, but the movie was FANTASTIC!!! Blew my mind!

  10. OK. I never in a million years thought I would say this, but it is my FAVORITE! Mostly because RandK actually KISS, it isn't the same old holding back bullshit, they go for it! The Headboard, (SPOILERISH) her taking the lead, the black nighty, Robs face! DIED 1000 times over in those 15 minutes of the movie. It stole my heart, BD2 will never be able to top it unless vampy sex is straight hot and dirty. JS

    BTW My word verification porkedu. Is that Pig University or Porn University? ponders

  11. Well, Im back from my second viewing of the movie, this time I took the kid with me. It was cool to see how Bill Condon managed to visually translate SM words into the story to get it all in. (twss)

    I knew about the very ending from Twikiwi50 and I sat in the theater, telling others "Dont Leave- there's more" While laughing at ones who didnt "know".

    My viewing this afternoon, had TWO babies in the audience. (Uhhh, every heard of a sitter?) Made the Renesmess part more realistic.

    I still havent cracked the Vitimin R I brought home from FOOORRRRKKKKSSSSS. Maybe the next viewing

  12. Based on the critics' reviews, it's the worst movie ever. Based on fan reviews, it's the BEST MOVIE EVER. (Someone even suggested an Oscar for Kristen ... really??)

    I saw it twice today, and I'll say I enjoyed it, but wasn't mesmerized by it or anything. There were some really good parts, and some really bad parts. And some REALLY DISAPPOINTING parts! Kristen's acting was better than usual, and so was Taylor's. Rob was a bit of a disappointment.


  13. I can't wait until we can talk specifics! Come on guys get on the bus!!!

    Thursday night was fab with all of the fans. I love first showings just for that. Someone actually dropped a glass bottle (it didn't break, just bounced) and then said "don't worry, it's just a baby bottle." I asked if they could pass the bottle please.

    I then went again on Friday at noon. There were about 5 mothers who brought kids. I don't mean 10 year olds... I mean babes in arms and toddlers. I was kind of pissed, but also trying to ignore them so I didn't waste my $9 and so I could enjoy it.

    I love the book. I think this was the best adaptation of a Twilight book yet, but this is coming from someone who cheered when I found out Catherine Hardwick had been canned for New Moon (what an attrocity Twilight is and should only be watched with the appropriate Rifftrax).


  14. I totally agree with you, I hated the book and hated even more when they announced it would be split in 2 parts. But I loved the movie and I left the theater feeling satisfied not like in Eclipse.

  15. The KISSING....oh my, the kissing. DId anything else happen in the movie??


  17. I fucking loved it. My skin crawls thinking it might be my favorite so far, but I've only seen it once, so I need a few more goes. I do think Bill did an AMAZING job getting the most out of ...most... of the cast. I cried during parts that made me throw the book the first time I read it, I cried at parts I knew I would cry, and the banter between my fellow theater-goers was so fun. The cinematography was just breath-taking. I can't wait to see it again.

    My favorite part was all of us in the theater making barf-o-rama sounds while "the name" was discussed. Hilarious.

    If I never read the book again, but can watch the movie(s) instead, I would be happy. I thought it was fucking rad.

  18. I keep coming back to this blog because you h00rs keep it realz around here! Love it. I'm another one who likes the Rifftrax version of the first movie and am still baffled as to why I got sucked in to the books in the first place, but hey. Went into this one not expecting much, but I have to say that there were some great visuals especiallly at the end, and some actual warm character moments (other than the HOT character moments). Anna Kendrick stole the show with her wedding toast. :)Taylor Lautner *did* bring it, showing maturity like he talked about in interviews. (I'm still not convinced imprinting isn't fucking creepy if you're not a duck.)
    Can't wait to hear your take on it!!
    p.s. I'm not 12 but "porkedu" word ver cracked me up.

  19. I haven't been here in for-ev-errr. *bad twitard* but i think BD just brought me back to my twitardness hardcore. i LOVED this movie, and now im really fucking pissed that i didnt know there's was more to see after the credits. i need to go back asap. i even started reading some ff again *secondhand embarrassed* i havent done that in almost 2 years :X my Robsession is back. full force. jesus christ i need help. i cant wait to read your thoughts. and that wig was actually distracting o.O

    word veri jigiant. as in "Edwards throbbing cock was ji... giant."

  20. I almost didn't want to go see it because I really did NOT like the book. I finally went today, Sunday, and I have to say, the movie was really good. Waaaaayyyyy better than I expected. And Rob will always be beautiful, so that part was good, too. Lots of good kisses. Can't wait to discuss in detail

  21. So glad I saw the premiere in LA because that audience made tons of noise at all the right parts - the audience for my midnight showing may have been asleep. I was shocked at how quiet everyone was. But I still loved it. I wonder if there are subliminal messages in it that are making so many of us like it when we thought we wouldn't like it at all ;) LOL!!


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