Thursday, November 10, 2011

Quit Clowning Around

I don't know why, but I like things that make me uncomfortable. If it's creepy, macabre or just downright hard to look at, I want to stare at it. If it makes other people even more uncomfortable than it makes me, I want it even more. Not sure why but I've been this way for as long as I can remember. Maybe some of you therapist-types out there can help me out with this. Actually, never mind. I don't even want to know.

This is why ML and I have a conversation that goes something like this at least once a week:

Me - I want a glass jar full of broken doll heads for our dining room centerpiece.
ML - There is something seriously wrong with you.
Me - Does that mean we can get one???
ML -I think there are some people in white coats at the door that want to take you somewhere nice and relaxing. In a strait jacket.

What? It's awesome. Hey! Don't run away!!

Of course, all my friends know I'm into creepy things so they'll often send me links to stuff that would make other people question their sanity. Sometimes they will even buy this stuff for me on a whim because they just know I'll get a kick out of it.

And ML quietly adds their name to his ever-growing Hit List.

A couple of weeks ago, ML went out of town to visit a friend in Seattle. While he was out there, I had a few girls over for a bachelorette party, including Snarkier Than You, who, shall we say, knows exactly what kind of weird shit I'm into. She casually mentioned that she saw a painting while digging around in a very creepy basement at an estate sale earlier that day that she thought I would like, so much so that she took a picture of it. She showed me the painting - a very disturbing, serial-killing-looking clown.

It was more frightening than this. And my vagina just shriveled up and died a little.

It was fucking terrifying. I told her I HAD to have it but alas, she didn't pick it up for me (mostly because she refused to willingly take possession of it). I believe what I actually said was, "Oh mah gahd, ML would shit his shorts if I had that painting. I MUST OWN IT."

STY and I have turned antagonizing poor ML into an art form. And DAMN we're good!

Anyway, the painting was quickly forgotten as we wolfed down whore derves and I drank myself into a wine-oblivion.

The next day, around noon, I finally decided I needed to clean up the porch after the previous night's festivities. Still in my pajamas, with bedhead of epic proportions, I opened my front door and... fucking screamed. Loudly.

This is what I saw:

The thing that was so horrifying about this (besides the fact that there was a FUCKING CLOWN PAINTING ON MY PORCH) was the fact that it wasn't THE clown painting STY had shown me on her phone the night before.

Was there some insane clown-painting-collector who had somehow overheard us? DOES HE LIVE IN MY BASEMENT OH MY FUCKING DOG SHITTING FUCK, DOES HE???

I'll admit, it took me a couple of seconds to calm down and not run out of my house because I was totally convinced that some psycho was living in my house and listening, just waiting for me to finally admit I was into upsetting clown decor. He's probably lurking in the basement, sharing the storage closet with Freddy, Jason and Michael Myers, who I swear are always standing right behind me every time I bend over to take clothes out of the dryer.

Finally, I sucked it up and took a tentative step toward the painting. That's when I noticed this:

I shrieked again. My neighbors, who do regular things like drink coffee and read the newspaper on their porch ten feet away and who have probably never stepped outside to find two insane paintings of clowns on their porch but of course were right there when I did, glanced up and looked away quickly. It was almost as awkward as the time the band was practicing a song called "Pussy in the Morning" with the windows wide open while the neighbor's kids were outside playing (hint - the song isn't about felines).

But it was okay, because this was the picture STY had shown me so I was relieved that I didn't have some maniac living in my basement or something. Just a totally fucking insane best friend***. Quickly, I grabbed the paintings and ran inside before my neighbors could realize I was in my pajamas with hangover-hair.

 Me in the morning. Not. Fucking. Pretty.

The pictures don't really do these paintings justice. There is something so alarming about the second one - I just can't describe it but I'm positive it's vacant, murderous eyes follow me around and I swear I heard it whispering awful things to me the other day.

But I knew I had to hang it up somewhere. Immediately. It took me about two seconds to figure out the best place for my new home decor. In one wink, the paint-by-numbers Jesus that was hanging in our living room was removed and the Fucking-Scary-Clown painting took its place.

Did I mention that it's directly across from the front door and it's the first thing you see when you walk into our house?

The next morning, I was in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when I heard ML come in from his red-eye flight from Seattle. There was a shuffling of bags, then a huge thump, then a very loud, "HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!" Seconds later he came walking up the stairs.

"What the hell is up with the John Wayne Gacy decor?" he asked.

"I thought it would brighten up the place," I replied.

I got that stare, the one he gives me when I say something he doesn't accept. It's like I just told him I wanted him to stick his penis in my ear. Then he turned around and headed to the bedroom.

"That abomination is coming down when you get home," he told me before I left.

That was two weeks ago. This picture is from today.

I win.

*** The funniest part of this whole story is the fact that Snarkier Than You set up the whole shebang (replete with a goddamn balloon) while my neighbors were OUTSIDE. On their porch. A scant ten or so feet away. In broad fucking daylight. I can't decide who has ruined who. [STY's note: I can - you totally did this to me - I was NEVER this shameless. I don't know whether I should thank you or tell you that my parents told me we're not allowed to be friends anymore.]


  1. Love it..pmsl...actually, I adored most the picture of that was a scary pic. You should frame it up along side the clown one. Poor ML he just never knows what's next.. You know it's true love.. WTG Deb.

  2. That picture of Rob is the freakiest fucking thing I've ever seen. You managed to turn a gorgeous man into a nightmare. That takes talent, JJ.

    My question is this; who the hell thought dressing in an over sized polka dotted outfit and caking their face with horrendous paint would make kids giggle? Not me!!!! As a kid I screamed bloody murder when a clown from the Shriner's circus jumped out of the shadows and cackled in my face while twisting a balloon into an unrecognizable shape. I swear, it was like taking a hit of a hallucinogenic drug. Every thing slowed waaaaaaay dooooown while that goddamn clown hovered over me.

  3. No. I love creepy things. I have a collection of Living Dead Dolls (that my mother despises) and that doll head centrepiece is awesome. I want one. But I draw the creepy-line at clowns. They make my skin crawl. And WHO THE FUCK DEFILED THAT PIC OF THE PRECIOUS?!?!?! That shit's just not cool.

    Ps. you should see me in the mornings. With the pale skin and crazy dark hair, I look like Edward Scissorhands.

  4. What a dear and thoughtful friend you have in STY! I loved clowns when I was a child.

    My own kids? They don't care for them. At all. Even now that they are all grown up - No thank you. I think my Mom let them watch a scary clown movie - trying to shut them up - once when they were visiting. It still works!

    I don't think they would be comfortable with those pictures hanging around. [Could I borrow them please?]

  5. @Kerri - I was never freaked out by clowns until I became an adult. I have a whole theory on why clowns are the scariest mother fucking things on this planet but I figured it would bore the tits off of everybody.

    That being said... the painting... it's still looking at me. {{shivers}}

    @Banshee - I know the Living Dead Dolls!! I've seen them before. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who appreciates a nice doll-head centerpiece.

    BTW - I CANNOT take credit for the RPattz clown picture. It's lovely, I know.


    I have a feeling ML isn't the only to keep a Hit List and my name just moved up into the top five on someone else's...

  6. JJ, you are an amazing woman with a fantastically terrifying mind! I
    love how you & STY play so well together - what a wonderful example of eternal friendship for the neighbors & all of us! I would emulate (great word, em-u-late...) you in your more bizarre world if it didn't scare the crap out of me...though, not as much the clowns as LKY's hideous zombies-her mind? I'm so not going there....I couldn't even read her post once the 1st pic etched itself permanently into a festering abscess in my wrecked brain-thanks, really, not!

    btw, bought my WFE last nite, and had me a Precious-fest-gasm - he was beyond gorgeous in every scene, his eyes, his mouth, his hands caressing...things....

    gonna watch it again, maybe I'll erase the zombie-image, oh please....

  7. I grew up with a mother who loved clowns circa-Poltergeist. Since she felt it was inappropriate for her to have clowns in her room, she put them in MINE. I think I owned that first picture, or at least one from that Home Interiors series.

    Years later she was sexually harassed by a clown. KARMA IS A BITCH.

  8. If people don't believe that you're in to weird creepy shit, you should show then the picture on your phone. I think the word that immediately came out of my mouth when you showed it to me in Forks was "What the fuck is wrong with you?!?!" Creepy.

    I just remembered this scary ass clown doll I had as a kid. I bet my parents still have it and if so, I'm sending it to you ASAP!

    BTW if you ever watched Friends, you need to get Phoebe's painting of Gladys...

    The "Pussy in the Morning" incident reminds me of this time Amanda and I were singing the word labia in opera voices on her boyfriend's (at the time) porch...and we looked next door to see his neighbor was having a church group in front of the house. Not awkward at all.

  9. JJ...I love you. So fucking much. STY you truly love her too...only love would give such awesomeness.

    P.S. JJ maybe you should print your zombie pic and frame it for know like on his nighstand. Place it while he is sleeping. ;-)

  10. @Double_dippin - You know, I'm just doing my part to keep JJ & ML's romance fresh. Because I'm thoughtful like that.

    @Kerri - I never got the clown thing, either. I have a picture of me taken with a Ringling Bros clown back in the day, and it's a little creepy (might be the red-eye from the camera flash lol).

    @Banshee713 - Those Living Dead dolls totally give me the willies, but I'll bet I know someone who would like them...

    @TheRugbymom - I'm willing to bet that ML would happily work out some sort of permanent loan (just don't tell JJ).

    @Robbie - When I had to but those pics in my car {{{shudder}}}, I had them in the back seat, turned backwards so I didn't have to see THAT in my read-view mirror (oh, the horror!). Then I drove DIRECTLY from the estate sale to JJ's and arranged them on her porch (you can't really make it out, but that's a balloon I tied to the creepy-clown chair. the helium must have given out by the time JJ dragged her ass out of bed, but it gave it a nice creepy touch and I'm sure her neighbor appreciated that extra flourish).

    @tiffanized - WOW that's some good parenting! I could never have slept with clowns in my room... It would be like that Seinfeld episode - "...Mr. Marbles...???" JJ's just lucky I was too creeped out by the REALLY scary doll that was also in that basement. It was to terrifying to even photograph.

    @Jaymes805 - I am STILL freaked out every time I see JJ's phone screensaver.

    @VitaminR70 - I think all those zombie pics are frame-worthy - what a nice gift that would make for family & friends!

  11. Bachelorette party? Did I miss something? Is the priest that sorta, kinda, maybe married Rob and Kristen performing the nuptials?

  12. Yeah, I'd still do Rob....

    Excellent post!

  13. If you like creepy clowns, then I bet you'll love Pennywise from Stephen King's book "It."

    Here's a pic...

  14. @JJ: aren't they awesome? I love their coffin-boxes. It's like having a little doll funeral home.

    @trinity: that fucking clown was waaaaay scarier than the stupid spider thing. Creeped me right the fuck out *shudder*

  15. Hahaha! Just too funny!

    That freakin' picture of Rob is just sick. It literally made me shudder.

  16. This reminds me of the new show DH and I have been watching. It's called "Oddities" and it's about this re-sale shop in NYC called "Obscura". I think you need to get there asap.... if you haven't been already

  17. Lots of info here but I am stuck on the bachelorette party part - who????

    I can't stand those hide and seek dolls that have no faces. Just wrong.

    I must say though I will take a clown any day over a zombie (Sorry LKW).


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