Monday, November 21, 2011

The Twilight Belt: More Sparkly Than Orion's Belt

Happy Monday, hookers. It's taking all of my willpower not to just post a giant 'FUUUUUUUCKKKK YOUUUUUUU!!!!" in two hundred point font today. Present company excluded, natch. I like you guys. It's everyone else I hate. I can't shake my case of the Mondays, no matter how hard I've tried. I think I'm the only person in America who doesn't work retail or in a hospital who has to work on Friday. I wouldn't be as bitter if I hadn't spent my entire day jumping through hoops for other people who JUST NOW sent me things I've been requesting for weeks (and months, in some cases) and need them processed RTFN because their office is closed most of this week. I am not amused.

This should really be above my desk.

But I digress. I came across an interesting graphic the other day that I thought I would share with you. Sadly, I probably wouldn't have even noticed the article if the graphic wasn't included. I embrace my OMG IS THAT SOMETHING SHINY? LET'S GO SEE!!! behavior. (Incidentally, if you read the article, I am not the TK who commented on it. I don't know who this person is, but I have those initials trademarked. Again, I am not amused.)

I don't understand why so many people in Utah read the book and hated it. Do you not talk to each other? Did you recommend it to each other as a joke? What's going on here? 

I'm a little surprised that only twelve times more women than men read Twilight. I would think the spread would be a lot wider. I find it hilarious that the north and south are still divided on major issues (like Twilight). Flavorwire commented that the map looks a lot like the map from the last election. Why are my tax dollars not going to investigate this? 

My main questions is — Really, Washington? Why you gotta be haters? Do Twihards and Twitards not spend enough money in your fair state? If I remember correctly, your state is a haven for bestiality lovers, so maybe we could overlook some sloppy prose, m'kay?

I'm curious how many of our readers are in the pink and red states. I know a lot of our blog readers are up north (not to mention MOST of the blog writers). How are you not skewing the results?


  1. PINK! We are #1 in bankruptcy, so I'd like to think it's a lack of fundage, rather than lack of obsessive desire.

  2. You should look up Hoops and Yoyos on youtube...there's also an app for them...the weekday things are so so hilarious and you reminded me of them. Just a thought. :)

  3. My state is blue. And this is why I NEED all of you twatwaffles! I have no one locally to share my obsession.

    However, I would just like to say that although us twitards in the northeast may be lacking in numbers, we certainly make up for any shortcomings with our passion for all things Twi! So I will just take this chart and piss on it. I've always been a red state girl in my heart.

  4. @TheRugbymom- LMAO! This chart can kiss our blue asses. Twitarded is the ONLY place I can visit that shares my twisted obsession with the Pretty. You're not those annoying bright eyed tween's who giggle at the word sparkly peen. Here, in Twitardia, we've actually examined the sparkly peen, bitches.

    LONG LIVE TWITARDIA, the reddest state EVAH!

  5. I'm pretty sure Utah isn't a fan because Stephenie is Mormon. I don't think the church exactly endorses her subject matter, plus Bella and Edward didn't get married in the temple. That's my theory anyway.

    I live in Arizona. I'm surprised they haven't kicked me out for not being tan. I only associate with Twilight lovers so I have no idea what the rest of the state's population's excuse for not loving the book is. They're probably preoccupied with illegal immigration or some other issue of nonTwilight importance.

    I guess Hawaii doesn't even get counted on that map since Dog the Bounty Hunter banned the book after Beth asked him give her a super fast piggy back ride. His back has never been the same.

  6. Haha! I'm in the pink (twss) and as you know TK, I'm literally 9 houses from the KS state line (red state!) I like this.

  7. Oh never mind. I see Hawaii now. I was distracted by Utah seceding.

  8. @TK - You clearly work in the TX branch of my company. Obviously. It's probably a good thing they keep a couple hundred miles between us.

    @mmMoxie - Jumping Christ, Moxie. You disappear for days, even months, and then you come back and make me hork wine out of my nose. And you kind of said a lot of things I was thinking. So there's that.

  9. California here. Not sure why we're always blue... it's definately not for a lack of sunshine. Maybe it's for a lack of vampires because of the sunshine?

  10. Maine is blue? But BD1 sold out in 3 theaters at the cineplex where I saw the midnite show & we were there in line w/a lobby full of twihards at 8 pm (I was gonna camp out but it's friggin' cold here in Maine!) hmmmm...

    might be true, tho, cuz I can't share my twitardedness anywhere else or i get lots of eyeball-rolling, patronizing sighs, & the occasional "universal sign for crazy" as they circle their fingers on their temples (like I care?) I usually shut up &
    get my fix at Twitarded every nite...helps keep me from stabbing people (can I borrow the sign?)

    May I babble on a bit more about how much I loved BD1? I loved it! (most of it-wolf scene? not so much) but birth scene? wow! Isle Esme? double wow...and toss in a moan or two (I had to keep one hand over my mouth during the entire movie to (a) catch the drool, and (b) muffle the groaning. Going again tom nite....

    We're trying to skew the results, TK-we're trying!

  11. I'm in a red state way down south and yet most people I have ever mentioned the saga to look at me as if I've lost my mind. Truth be told, they probably have it stowed in their bible covers and are actually reading it during church. (I'm going to hell for that.)

  12. Washington is too lazy to fill out surveys.

    And my daughter, Federal Fish & Wildlife, has to work on Friday.

  13. @Mox Where the fuck have you been sex pot?! I missed you! I totally agree with your assessments. And even though Hawaii is on there, I think you're right about Dog. "Hold on Silverback Gorilla."

    I'm in OR, and hail from MI, so either way I've got Twi-blue balls. I'm more concerned about Maine. WTF Double_Dippin & LKW?! The population of Maine is what, 45? And 40 of them are in the deep freezer, so shouldn'd you guys be mega red?

    I also find it interesting that map reflects that of the political red/blue states map pretty impressively. There are mixes here and there, but as a whole, it's a pretty accurate depiction.

    Too deep? TWSS.

    vw: dendm

    I thought for sure WA would be redder dendm other states...

  14. I live in that blue state (where Forks is)! I am single handedly upholding my position as the oldest Twi fan not incarcerated in a nursing home (I am 164 years old).Even my family does not know of my shame. I took my wrinkled old arse out in the freezing cold to see BD last night, our town is very small, only one theater. I had considered slinking off to a nearby town to indulge in my guilty pleasure but that would have involved taking a ferry and shit. It was not a full house, mostly 10-16 year olds and several women of less than youthful appearance like me. I had stuffed my cell phone in my bra so I wouldn't lose it ( I didn't take my purse), when it started vibrating during the birth scene, I at first thought I was having heart palpitations until my brain left the Forks delivery room long enough to function properly. I loved the wedding dress, I wish they could have resolved the weird contacts (especially the Alaskan vamps). Carlisle and Jasper got hosed in the wig department. Rob and Kristen have grown up and were darling. I used to work for King County and never saw the "no stabbing" sign. I see it is actually a law (RCW). I did see a sign on the car deck of one of our Puget Sound ferries that said, "Do Not Park Your Bull Here".

  15. So Nevada is pink. Is that what they gave the people who like Twilight, but don't want to admit it?

    Most of my neighbors spend their money on gambling and prostitutes...I spend it on more Twilight merchandise to clutter my desk at work.

    As I told my boss when she asked if I had enough things "YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH OF THE SPARKLEPEEN!!"

    Sends me to HR for being bored and speaking in Parseltongue one day, but I get away scott free with sparklepeen.

  16. This is the first time I have ever been proud that Oklahoma is a red state. But people here still generally think Twilight fans are...a few apples short of a bushel.

  17. I'm in Arizona. I'm glad we're at least a pink state. I'm not sure about the Utah thing. There are a lot of Mormons here. Not as much as Utah, of course, but still A LOT. I have quite a few Mormon friends and they all absolutely LOVE Twilight.

  18. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonNovember 22, 2011 at 10:29 AM

    I'm in the pink!!! Pun completely intended. I'm in St. Louis, Missouri. I found this graphic far more interesting than ANY political graphic in that I actually took the time to give it a once over. At least my priorities are right where they fucking should be. Happy turkey day, bitches! I get to drive 5 hours after work today to my homeland in Northwestern Missouri. I love being home but I hate the journey. I think at the very tippity top of my pet peeve list is stupid fucking drivers. Do people everywhere treat rain like the beginning of the rapture where they must slow down to 20 under the speed limit or is that just Missouri?

  19. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonNovember 22, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    Here's a question: Does anyone else have bitch ass friends who make fun of you for liking it and then ALL of them contact you separately asking to go see the movies it with you? I'm so bitter that I would rather go see them by myself than go with any of those closet Twitards. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being a closet twitard but isn't the only rule of being a closet twitard is you don't talk about twilight? Don't ask don't tell people. Not make fun of someone who brings it up and then ask to be let out of the closet at your convenience. Not kidding. I won't go with any of them and then they act surprised/offended when they ask about when we're going to see it and I let them know that ship has already sailed. Really?!

  20. i live in the blue (balls) of joisey. and i have no twitards close to me *sad panda* i ended up see the movie with one of the moms from my minis school, who hasnt even read the saga *gasp*

  21. @Lindsay Rae -- PMSL!! I'm confused as to the color of my state also.... even if you don't like it, wouldn't you be scared by the threat of ending up in my freezer and just say YES, I LOVE IT!!

    My shame runs deep. Fucking blue state.

  22. @ Anastasia (GREAT name, BTW), there IS some benefit to going with someone who has never been. One of our group of 17 had never read the books & listening to her comments was hysterical..
    ie: WHAT??? NO..she's not going to DRINK that is she??? What is he doing? Didn't see THAT coming.
    It was quite entertaining.

    I think this map is bull shit. I live in Virgina & went with 17 ladies - I didn't even know i knew that many ladies let alone that many that adore Twilight.

  23. Guess I'm a blue-stater no matter how you slice it! Thankfully my obsession more than makes up for the (apparent) lack of enthusiasm in the surrounding area...

    veri-word = "prega" - this made me snort for some reason.

  24. I live in Maryland; and at 58 I'm the oldest Twitard I know. And by Twitard, I mean pretty much obsessed, googling Rob, and reading your blog all the time! Thanks - so much!

  25. I live in NC, a pink state. I think this map is bogus, though.

  26. Im in a pink state (FL) you would think that it would be red state since I see others wearing the twi gear all over my town.
    I have yet to see anyone wear any twitarded gear other then me.

  27. I'm a dark blue state in CT.


  28. I had a customer contact me the other day after a year of trying to change their labeling and ask why I was taking so long with the change??!! Oh my

    I am in blue PA.

  29. Red state of Mississippi! Please, no jokes ;-)


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