Friday, December 16, 2011

Has Anyone Seen My Christmas Spirit?

I'm normally one of those Christmas-crazed adults that starts decking the halls and fa-la-la-ing the minute the Thanksgiving leftovers are put in the fridge. I love everything about Christmas -- the cheerily lit houses, the smell of a freshly cut Fraser Fir, and sitting in a dark living room with nothing but the tree lit up while watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. If you didn't know me, you'd probably think I was six.

But something happened this year. Someone stole my fucking Christmas spirit. The jolly is gone. Missing. Dead. And it's totally bumming me out. I feel like a total misfit.

I think I can attribute it to a few things -- #1 being Mother Nature's inability to get the fucking weather right this year. It's supposed to snow in December, NOT October. And it's not supposed to be 50 degrees eight days before Santa is supposed to depart the North Pole. How is he expected to land his sleigh on my roof with no snow? (Seriously, I think you people in warmer parts of the country are lucky he even makes it to your house. Does his sleigh have wheels for tropical climates?)

My scrooge-y grinch of a husband isn't helping matters either. He does nothing but whine about every aspect of the holiday. Buying the tree... erecting the tree... the shopping for presents... the crowds... the Christmas card. Every time he complains, he sucks just a little bit of the festive fervor out of me. I normally tell him to shut his pie hole, but this year it has taken its toll. It makes me want to punch every Santa I see in his nuts.

I think this picture is labeled wrong. It should say "Mr. Latchkey Wife".

Our newest family member, the bull-in-a-china-shop-I-eat-everything-not-nailed-down bloodhound, is also putting a damper on my Christmas cheer. I was forced to get a midget tree and put it up on a table. *gasp* We were so afraid she'd eat every ornament she could reach so we didn't want to risk it. I really don't need to be paying thousands of dollars to get the Edward and Bella Hallmark ornament surgically removed from her large intestine. No thank you.

I also had to be weary of where I placed the other non-ornament decoration. Especially the stuffed ones. She's a sucker for anything with stuffing that she can shred and snack on. And I only have so many high flat surfaces to display things. Needless to say there are a lot of Santas and snowmen that never made it out of the attic this year. I pray to Yukon Cornelius that she grows out of this phase by next year.

Yummy... I love stuffing. Even if it's not Stovetop. Bad dog.

I thought a good 'ol viewing of Rudolph would pep me up. I just got pissed that all those asshole reindeer were shitting on the poor little red-nosed guy because he was a little different. I mean really Fireball? You're wearing a blonde toupee. Shut your mouth. Next on the list is Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas. If that doesn't do the trick... I give up.

Anyone have any other suggestions? What's your go-to for getting your Claus-o-meter up to full power? I need help before it's too late!


  1. I know the feeling, and it sucks. I overflowed with Christmas spirit every year, started Christmas music in September, put up the tree Thanksgiving weekend, etc. - I was that person that most of you HATE. Since my very very beloved grandmother passed away almost six years ago, I just can't get into the spirit in the same way anymore. It's slowly getting better, year by year. Have you listened to "Where Are You Christmas?" *sniff*

    I suggest a naughty Mrs. Claus outfit to get Mr. LKW in the mood, I mean spirit, as well. If that doesn't work, tell him to GFHS, and you can come stay with me until New Years. I have a tree with so many lights on it that my electrical contractor husband is nervous, a very strong Christmas tree scented candle for good measure, ingredients for mulled red wine, and A Christmas Story on DVD. Come visit and we'll be jolly, falalalala...

  2. Something in the air? I'm way off too.
    I barely noticed Thanksgiving, which I freakin' hosted at my house for the first time ever. Normally, I would have been shitting myself, but I was a zombie.
    I put up a tree and only loaded about half the ornaments onto it before grabbing a beer and heading back to the interwebs.
    Shopping? I'm so fucked, unless it's small bills, because there is no way I'm venturing out in the mild weather to get any more.
    I wasn't even tickled by the truly awful gifts I got for my sister's kids. Last year I bought them 3 mini trampolines and laughed my ass off, so this year when I bought them four mini trampolines I should have died laughing, but nothing.
    My internal xmas joystick is busted.

    Merry Christmas!

  3. I love Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas!! I grew up without cable (I know, the horror) and our local PBS station showed it every year. Last winter, my friends and I had a Christmas movie themed Chickapalooza (our once a quarter, all day, eating, drinking, movie watching extravaganza). My contribution was Emmet Otter. And NO ONE had even heard of it. Jim Henson?!? Hello?!? I think they all thought I was a little nuts and they totally didn't get it. But I swear I saw some toe tapping to the tunes and a couple of tears towards the end.

    Ok, that went on a bit longer than I thought it would but you had me at Emmet! So I hope he does the trick for getting you in the spirit, LKW :) And you've reminded me that I haven't watched it yet this year so will be getting the DVD out tomorrow :)

  4. Egg Nog, Hot Buttered Rum, mulled wine, spiked cider (do you see a pattern here)

    If that fails there is always the irony of Jewish singers putting out Christmas albums O_O

    Anyhow, if you find it, let me know because I lost mine about 10 years ago and I've yet to get it back...

    word verification: menini

  5. It's only officially Christmas once I've heard The Pogues 'Fairytale of New York'... and, I heard it last night. So, it's on!

    Just a side note about how Santa comes to places without snow. Umm, obviously, the sleigh is a hovercraft, or at least he trades the sleigh for one with rollerblade wheels for the Southern Hemisphere. It SHOULD be tropical down here right now... but instead it's muggy as all get out. We got the heat but the rain too... and I'm not likin' it, thanks Mike.

    I was really touched, and saddened, to see that this year, via the TV news, Santa had to make a special announcement to all the kiwi kids living in Christchurch after the big earthquake. You see, Christchurch is a town of mostly older brick houses with chimneys, and most of the chimneys either fell down in the quake or were removed subsequently. It seemed there were kids everywhere wondering how Santa was going to get in! How cute is that! He reassured them that he'd still be there with a little North Pole magic. Awww.


  6. Huh-huh! You said ERECT-ing the tree!

    Sorry babe. I got nothin'.

    It seems to be easier to get excited over Christmas when there are kids involved. Now that mine are grown (and not asking for tons of presents) I can't be bothered to get into it. I haven't even put up a tree. I suck.

    I've done all my shopping on line. In my world, the only reason to go to the mall is when I need the Apple Store.

    Here's a suggestion: stop by the pet store or Tractor Supply and get each doggie a 3-foot rawhide bone and a red or green bandanna!

  7. We moved this summer and as I was recently going through all of the boxes of ornaments and house decorations that I used to be thrilled to buy and festoon the house with, I realized that I had lost that spirit a few years ago and it hasn't returned. I can't exactly put my finger on what year it was. It might've been '03 when we had an "issue" at work and was summarily "let go due to outsourcing" (let me just tell you it was much more dramatic than that and put me in a tailspin for months) and then less than a month later my mom's house burnt down in a wildfire. That's the only thing I can really point at that has been life changing so I'm guessing it has something to do with it.

    I know in years past it was way worse, with some sort of horrible funk that went along with the lack of spirit and it has mellowed to just a simple "meh" feeling so I guess that's some sort of improvement.

    I wish I had a magic bullet for you, but this year I've actually been talking to people about this and I'm amazed how many other people have the same issue and say it's normal. I guess I'll just have to live with it and hope the spirit someday returns.

  8. No snow is messing with me too (and I hate snow) but there needs to be some at Christmas. Especially Christmas vacation. The kids need to be out of the house that week playing in snow, not inside driving me insane.
    Emmet Otter...Is it possible to love you more. My favorite Christmas movie and my kiddos hate it. Grrr.
    My trick to get in the mood. Make cookies. Lots of cookies.

  9. I got nothing, Sweetie. No spirit and no suggestions. My husband bought a new car at the first of the month after wrecking his old one, so I can't even go buy him a ton of gifts. He says he wants nothing further than the car, which is the model he has been waiting for for 3 years. He is thrilled. I am not going to see my family in another state this year, and we got another heat wave yesterday.

    That said, I'd be happy to trade Christmas for a face like that little girl of yours. She is just precious! I'm sure she'll be better next year, but won't be nearly as cute.

    So, add some rum to your eggnog or open a large bottle of wine or something and get on the floor to play with your babygirl. Buy her some Christmas toys to rip apart and enjoy her while she's young. You can decorate with delicate things another year.

  10. You need to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special and listen to the Kink's Father Christmas. Maybe that will help.

    I'm feeling less than festive this year too. It's just so much to do and I feel like I'm never done. Plus we're redoing our kitchen beginning in January so I have tons of that stuff on my mind plus we have to empty out 3 rooms of our house for 3 months. I'm a little stressed.

    We just got our tree this week and today is decorating day plus I need to bake cookies and we have been invited to 3 parties this weekend. I can't keep up so I think I'm going to stay home and do what I want. And drink wine. That will make things better.

    Oh, and watch Elf. Because Will Ferrell dressed as an elf definitely brings the Christmas spirit. It's on today again.

  11. Just say "Fuck it" and put up Halloween decorations instead. You can call it...The Nightmare Before Christmas Experience. Maybe the Mr will get into that. I would totally come over and visit.

    Also, Emmet Otter is the SHIT and no one I know has heard of it. It must be a poor kid thing?

  12. I always have my tree up the day after Thanksgiving. I love Christmas and turn into Martha Stewart for my kids. As a child you dont realize that the magic of christmas is actually orchestrated by your parents. But this year I got real sick and couldnt drag my ass out of bed to do much of anything. Come to find out I have walking pneumonia. I tried to go to Toys R Us to start my shopping, but I had to turn around and go home. I looked like one of those Zombies you guys love. Ugh! I have no idea how im going to do it this season.

  13. The River Bottom Nightmare Band ought to do it.

  14. Try youtubing Trans-Siberian Orchestra Christmas beautiful. That and Elf help me...because the whole running around buying presents thing drives me insane, every year. We have two divorced sets of parents and umpteen amount of family. I just wish we could all just enjoy each other's company without the stress of buying buying buying...maybe doing something kind for someone else would help us all...
    love this blog, byway
    cheers! and Merry Christmas fellow grinch!

  15. You got a bloodhound, honey. You gotta another 2 years of this. At least. If you're lucky.

  16. seems to be going around... i love xmas. im jolly, but im sure that just makes u wanna punch me!!!
    i can make you some twilight cookies if u feel like giving a complete stranger your address.. lol..

    you can find me at my link below...
    maybe i can help cheer ya up or if you just wanna bitch. i'll listen!!

  17. im stupid, i meant the link above.. as in click the name red. and it will bring u to me. well my blog, not me. no one wants to come where i live. except the 2,000 some of us whom love it here. lol. anywayyy.. i emailed JJ, so tell her to show u that email when she gets it. i mean it, if u guys want some crafts, cookies, etc, just tell me, i live in SMALL town america, stay home & have lots of free time. i linked your blog from my blog, cuz uh u girls kick ass...

    anyway dear, aside from your grinch hubby & ornament munching dog, xmas will be magical & shit. probably not. but i can blow smoke up your a$$ anytime.. im just a peach like that!! LOL!! i hope very much that you cheer up.. nothing worse than wanting to kick santa in the balls. except maybe that fucking bella tea cup (you scarred me for life!!)


  18. I'm right there with you, exact same thing. 11:59 Thanksgiving night I'm halfway up the attic ladder. This year, nothing. Hubby had to push me out the door yesterday to take care of the shopping. The only reason the tree is up this year is because my five year old was on the verge of requiring an exorcist if I didn't do something. Turns out I have mono, no idea how that happened but apparently mono = christmas spirit sucking vampire.

    No amount of Bing Crosby can save me. :*(

  19. The weird warm New England weather is screwing with me too. This is what you do: Order the Monster Chew Nylabone from (they're only $12.99 there compared to the $28.99 at Petco) and get that shit rush ordered (my chew-on-everything-mutt LOVES them!). Crack open a bottle of Kraken rum, pour over ice, add a bit of egg nog and a sprinkle of nutmeg (YUM!). Crank up the xmas tunes and bake some Christmasy cookies! That should get you in the spirit. If it doesn't then at least your drunk and you have lots of tasty cookies to munch on ;) Good luck!

  20. And remember:
    "The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!" -Elf

  21. Kristen Stewart talking about baby Jesus.. and a Native American dancing around in the background!

  22. I'm with @Nifer - it's gotta be something in the air. While I'm not all about Christmas carols and whatnot, I do usually enjoy (and by enjoy, I mean "act like a fucking OCD maniac") putting up the Christmas tree. This year, ML had to basically force me to decorate it.

    And bad dog!! LMFAO! Love that picture.

  23. I was literally weeping when I read this. I have been in a Christmas funk for a lot of years. Thank heavens for my 19 yr old daughter who drags out the tree and other stuff to decorate. BTW we did put the tree up, etc this past Saturday. I always forget how many ornaments I have. I don’t know why this happen, I am sure I have been traumatized somehow. We haven’t had any new snow since Nov. (I’m kind of glad because I am the one who has to shovel and drive in it!) Yes it does set the mood. I do think the retailers need to go back and look at their fricken calendars and put the Holiday stuff back to November NOT October. I went looking for lights because ½ were dead and all the stores were already out of lights, except the last one I went to, Rite-Aid had the ones I wanted. Grrr!! I guess they don’t want that much inventory left over.
    LKW, sorry that Daisy is still chewing stuff up. Where Cesar or that, it’s me or the dog, Lady? How about a big ‘ol piece of raw hide or a bone?
    I know my Christmas spirit is somewhere. I hope it gets here so the Claus-O-Meter can read 100%!


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