Thursday, December 29, 2011

I Don't Want Your Dildo in My Cay

Enjoy another TexasKatherine post in her absence. How long is a maternity leave anyway? And be sure to (a) maybe not be at work, and (b) empty your mouth of any liquids. This bitch is funny.

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I don't have much time to troll the interwebs these days, so I rely on others to spit entertaining info into my mouth like a baby bird. Mr TK sent me this link a while back ago. I kind of dismissed it because I didn't believe it was real. It's a blog article about the worst book ever written. It's called (wait for it...) Dildo Cay.

You totally thought I made up that title, didn't you?

It was written in the 40's so it's possible the author didn't notice the island's resemblance to this...

Possible. But not plausible. (P.S. This not so little beauty is available from Good Vibrations. P.P.S You might not want to read this post on your work computer.)

There is an actual place called Dildo Cay. I would consider visiting but I don't think they have a Nordstrom. I'd rather have a staycation and visit my cay. *ahem*

I'm sure you're wondering exactly what this book is about. I've read the following summary from the jacket at least a dozen times and I still can't tell you.
Ainsworths do not marry for love. They choose their women to carry on the line–thoroughbreds who can endure the loneliness and the eternal wind of the Ainsworth island–Dildo Cay. This speck in the Atlantic lies six hundred miles southeast of Great Bahama. Here the Ainsworths have lived for eleven generations–the one white family among two hundred blacks.
Young Adrian Ainsworth has followed the family tradition in selecting his wife, Mary. Then Carol arrives with her father, hired to revive the salt industry on which the livelihood of the Ainsworths and the blacks depends. Carol is a glittering and sophisticated creature caught in a strange situation. Adrian’s deep, growing desire for Carol and the tension between her arrogant father and the blacks mount to an electric climax. Without sentimentality, but with a powerful honesty, the author paints a consuming passion against a romantic and exotic background.

So, I guess this is some kind of apartheid romance between rough-looking people set in a salt mine. I can't believe it wasn't an instant classic. I'm not really up on my seasoning history, but I had no idea the salt industry was so robust after the invention of the ice box. Color me...still not interested.

The fact that this book was published and so many of my friends are stuck in a revolving door of querying agents makes me want to punch someone in their Dildo Cay. The few excerpts of this book I read were so painfully full of stilted dialogue and repetition I can not bear to repost it here. I found the Dick and Jane series more riveting in kindergarten.

 Hmmm. Maybe these books are more similar to Dildo Cay than I first thought.

I would love to know if anyone here has ever read this book. What's the worst book you've ever read?

11 comments:

  1. I'm not sure if it's the WORST book I've EVER read, but the one that so many people seem to think it so great and that I can't stand is "Catcher in the Rye." The main character is just so selfish, stupid, and annoying I just wanted to punch him in the face. Reading it was a waste of my time. I'm sure there are worse books out there, but I tend to stick to the Classics, so I don't get many bad ones.

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  2. Tried to bite my tongue. Can't do it.

    BREAKING. DAWN.

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  3. Interesting post! I think I'ma read Dildo Cay.

    Or, I could read The Hunger Games instead. So many books. So little time.

    I can't recall the worst book ever. I will stop reading something if it sucks. The only thing that comes to mind (that I made myself finish) is The Host.

    Don't hate. It was hard to get into. (TWSS)

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  4. LMFAO!

    There is a huge salt mine near my town in Louisiana located on Avery Island. It is where Tabasco Sauce is produced. I have visited many times and pffft, not so much as a whiff of sexual intrigue has ever popped up on my radar. I'mma pass on "Dildo Cay," and call bullshit on the setting/seasoning industry being hawt.

    I'll have to get back on the worst book...need to think about that and am not properly caffeinated yet.

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  5. Years ago I gave JJ a book that someone abandoned in the lunch room at work - it was total bodice-ripper material and she used to send me pieces of it randomly (well, she would quote lines, not send me actual pages - that would be weird) and it was the WORST. I have no idea what it was called but I'll bet she still has it!

    @dowde - *snortle*

    and i SO wish you could put an image in here - speaking of Dick & Jane, has everyone seen "Dick & Jane & Vampires"?

    http://www.amazon.com/Dick-Jane-Vampires-Laura-Marchesani/dp/0448455684/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1325265237&sr=8-1

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  6. WTF, how did this crap get published?

    @vloveselvis, I HATED Catcher in the Rye. I had to read it in high school and the whole time my class was reading it, I was complaining about how crazy and annoying Holden Caulfield was... the whole nuns and luggage thing? Shoot me in the face with a bazooka. Then we got to the end of the book. I felt vindicated.

    My book club recently read Never Let Me Go, and that was pretty bad. Not one character I could care about. And, nobody hate me, but I read the first True Blood book and didn't like Sookie... and I slogged through the first two thirds of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and just couldn't finish it.

    We should form a club of Twitards who are stuck in querying hell. I'm there. Email me, yall, we'll form a support group.

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  7. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I worked in a publishing house a la Fifty Shades Bella. What if you approved a book that turned out to be a mega shitty mess of ink and paper? I would be so pissed at myself! Obviously someone thought this Dick Cay sounded like a winner. I kind of want to find it.

    I'm with @MyAfterCar and @vloveselvis. Catch in the Rye was such a drag. Waste of time, but I checked it off of the 100 Most Banned Books list. I didn't know they banned it because it sucked.

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  8. I almost want to read this because I love reading really, really bad books.

    I HATED Catcher in the Rye. I was so disappointed because I remember my English teacher kept telling me I was going to love it but I thought Holden Caulfield was such a spoiled, whiny little twat.

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  9. Well I'd have to agree that Catcher in the Rye is a bad book. I had to read it in high school and hated every second of it. I wanted to stab myself with a pen rather than do any book discussion about it. If I wasn't forced to read crap like that I probably would have read more books in my lifetime... after that all I read were Stephen King books until Twilight came along. Now all I read is fanfiction, it's waaaay better than most books out there! But I wouldn't really know since I don't read other books ;)

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  10. @my after car I agree with Never Let Me Go. I thought the movie was better than the book and that NEVER happens. The Characters had no emotion and I didn't care about any of them.
    I picked up a book in the sale bin once called The World I Made For Her. Probably the worst book I ever read besides The Good Earth which I had to read in 8th grade. But maybe I was just to young then.
    -Kate

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  11. Grapes of Wrath, and I really had a hard time getting into Pygmy which is odd because I love the author. I had a hard time with the 1st Dragon Tattoo as well until about half way in, it got much better after that and the other 2 don't start off with the crap from the 1st.

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