Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Tips For The Holiday Traveler That Will Possibly Keep Daily Commuters From Murdering You With Your Own Luggage

Let me just preface this by saying that if you're driving somewhere for the holidays... have fun with that. If you pass me on the highway, you'll know it's me because I'll have a terrified expression on my face and hanging on to the oh-shit handle like my life depends on it. Which it probably does, because New Jersey drivers are fucking assholes. And ML likes to make me cry when he drives me places.

 Pretty much my reaction when I'm a passenger in a car...

These delightful and hopefully helpful tips are for all of you who will be relying on trains, buses, planes, go-carts, what-have-you for traveling. As someone who considers herself a bit of an expert in the Ways of Commuting, I thought I would give you annual commuters a few pieces of advice.

Trains stations, bus depots and airports are like hornets nests. Everyday commuters are generally an even-keeled bunch but don't be fooled, it's like a fucking pressure cooker waiting to explode. Everyone kind of mills around peacefully until something or someone comes along and starts thwacking it with a stick. Then shit gets real. Ever seen a woman in a three piece suit wearing five-inch Manolos threaten to stab an elderly gentleman in the eye? I have.

Ouch. Trust me, you don't want that close of a look...

Here are a few things you can do to avoid getting a stiletto lodged in your eyeball:

1) Don't sit on the goddamn stairs. Those stairs lead to somewhere and you will be blocking people's way. And not just a couple of people either. If a train is called and you're sitting between the platform and a mob of about fifteen-hundred people, you will be in big trouble. It's like the Running of Bulls but with briefcases. Stand up and wait like the rest of us.

Tick tock, tick tock... 

2) If you're traveling with your family, don't form a chain. This isn't a game of Red Rover, Red Rover and you are not the Van Trapps, all holding hands and singing around your luggage. It will be your family against a mob of people who are not only eager to get the fuck home, but they are really good at navigating. You are not the Berlin Wall of traveling. Huddle, like a football team. Pads and helmet might not be a bad idea, either.

3) If someone should jostle you or your luggage, don't glare and mutter. It's crowded and most likely they didn't do it on purpose. If they did, definitely don't glare and mutter. Actually, just get as far away from them as possible. Nothing brings out a hatred for humanity more than traveling around the holidays and anyone who is using the train station or bus depot as their own personal mosh pit is gearing up to chew someone's eyes out and chase it down with their bone marrow.

 Unless he's got a wicked case of gas, this guy looks pissed. Either way, stay away.

4) That shabbily dressed guy/lady who only needs $2.75 to get to their destination and would be eternally grateful if you could give them some money? Yeah, those people are full of shit. I've seen the same two people pull this nearly every day on my way home from work, which means they've been trying to get $2.75 for five years. Either they're lying or they're the worst panhandlers in the history of panhandling. I'm all for giving to those less fortunate, but donate to a homeless shelter or food pantry.

5) Bring something you can stick into your ears that will drown out the noise around you. I can't stress this enough. Even the most zen person is going to want to drive a sharp object into their ears after listening to someone complain about the holidays and Uncle Joe's bad breath for two hours on a crowded train.

6) Don't be the shitnugget who complains about Uncle Joe's halitosis for two hours.

7) This one is the most important one of all - BE SAFE. We want all of you back home in one piece.

 Do we really need an excuse to post a picture of this guy? I didn't think so.

Happy holidays!!


  1. Nice pic! Haven't seen that one before.

  2. I can never see "Be Safe" and not get all tingly. Oh, Edward, you are a God among men.

  3. Holy shit JJ. You at least made me feel better about living in Maine! The only place that I've encounter at Christmas with that running of the bulls mentality was Toys r Us. Lets just say I was practically run over by a disabled elderly lady in a scooter, holding a Justin Beiber doll like it was made of fucking diamonds. People loose their shit at the holidays over the stupidest things.

  4. Thanks for the very helpful advice! With all my family living in the same state, I'm very thankful every year that we don't have to do much traveling! Good luck with that NJ traffic and happy holidays to you too!

    P.S. I will now be incorporating the term "shitnugget" into my everyday vocabulary. Thankyouverymuch!

  5. I'd like to add a reminder to stay to the right on escalators and for slow walkers, groups of people, etc..
    As a regular NYC commuter from NJ via the bus, JJ, I thank you for this!

  6. I'd like to add:

    Don't lolligag. If it's your turn to get on the train, the escalator, check out in line or hit the accelerator, or pull out out of my neighborhood do it in a timely fashion. Don't sit there like an idiot in your Saturn, you don't need two miles in either direction to turn; the entire rest of the world has shit to do.

    Also, don't argue with the 15 year old Target cashier about the price of every single thing in your cart, she doesn't set the prices and if you're convinced that everything you've picked out is cheaper at Wal-Mart you should have gone there in the first place and not overloaded your cart with the dollar aisle.

  7. I am so glad that (1) I don't take public transportation to and from work -- I'd be making license plates right now if I did; and (2) I'm not traveling for Christmas!! I got my holiday traveling over LAST weekend. *phew*

  8. Hey everyone, I thought this trailer for Bel Ami might cheer you up some. I love period movies and Rob is so gorgeous in this. I can't wait til it comes out.

  9. I pretty much refuse to go into the city without JJ these days. She leads me around the train station and keeps me out of trouble. Mostly.

  10. Jeez, JJ! You make me never wanna travel to your part of the world! Was that your intention? I seriously hope not :-(

    One thing I can totally agree with, however, since it's obviously a problem the world over: Nugget number 5: stick something in your ears (and I'm talking headphones here, ladies. Have some decorum, please!).

    There's nothing worse than having to listen to some fellow-commuter's inane, banal, word-vomit while travelling. Believe me, I've done it. Numerous times.

    Safe travels to those of you who are intending to do so during the festive season!

    CC x

  11. @SallyRicks - YES. Stay to the right, the most important rule EVER. I always tell people walking on a sidewalk in the city is the same thing as driving on a highway. DON'T JUST FUCKING STOP.

    @Chloe Cougar - Honestly? New Yorkers get a bad rap (so do us Jerseyans, I guess). But around the holidays is hectic as hell.

    Also? If you ever come my way, PLEASE let me know. I'll totally help you out. If you've never been to NYC, you should. And I'd love to see you again anyway. :)

  12. Woot @JJ I'll be sure to do so! :-)

    (Oh, and apologies for the delay. Christmas and all that jazz, y'know?)

    CC x


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