Pretty much my reaction when I'm a passenger in a car...
These delightful and hopefully helpful tips are for all of you who will be relying on trains, buses, planes, go-carts, what-have-you for traveling. As someone who considers herself a bit of an expert in the Ways of Commuting, I thought I would give you annual commuters a few pieces of advice.
Trains stations, bus depots and airports are like hornets nests. Everyday commuters are generally an even-keeled bunch but don't be fooled, it's like a fucking pressure cooker waiting to explode. Everyone kind of mills around peacefully until something or someone comes along and starts thwacking it with a stick. Then shit gets real. Ever seen a woman in a three piece suit wearing five-inch Manolos threaten to stab an elderly gentleman in the eye? I have.
Ouch. Trust me, you don't want that close of a look...
Here are a few things you can do to avoid getting a stiletto lodged in your eyeball:
1) Don't sit on the goddamn stairs. Those stairs lead to somewhere and you will be blocking people's way. And not just a couple of people either. If a train is called and you're sitting between the platform and a mob of about fifteen-hundred people, you will be in big trouble. It's like the Running of Bulls but with briefcases. Stand up and wait like the rest of us.
Tick tock, tick tock...
2) If you're traveling with your family, don't form a chain. This isn't a game of Red Rover, Red Rover and you are not the Van Trapps, all holding hands and singing around your luggage. It will be your family against a mob of people who are not only eager to get the fuck home, but they are really good at navigating. You are not the Berlin Wall of traveling. Huddle, like a football team. Pads and helmet might not be a bad idea, either.
3) If someone should jostle you or your luggage, don't glare and mutter. It's crowded and most likely they didn't do it on purpose. If they did, definitely don't glare and mutter. Actually, just get as far away from them as possible. Nothing brings out a hatred for humanity more than traveling around the holidays and anyone who is using the train station or bus depot as their own personal mosh pit is gearing up to chew someone's eyes out and chase it down with their bone marrow.
Unless he's got a wicked case of gas, this guy looks pissed. Either way, stay away.
4) That shabbily dressed guy/lady who only needs $2.75 to get to their destination and would be eternally grateful if you could give them some money? Yeah, those people are full of shit. I've seen the same two people pull this nearly every day on my way home from work, which means they've been trying to get $2.75 for five years. Either they're lying or they're the worst panhandlers in the history of panhandling. I'm all for giving to those less fortunate, but donate to a homeless shelter or food pantry.
5) Bring something you can stick into your ears that will drown out the noise around you. I can't stress this enough. Even the most zen person is going to want to drive a sharp object into their ears after listening to someone complain about the holidays and Uncle Joe's bad breath for two hours on a crowded train.
6) Don't be the shitnugget who complains about Uncle Joe's halitosis for two hours.
7) This one is the most important one of all - BE SAFE. We want all of you back home in one piece.
Do we really need an excuse to post a picture of this guy? I didn't think so.