Monday, January 31, 2011

Bill Condon Has RPattz on Lockdown.

I've had a bit of the winter blues these days. And it's not the snowy reasons that have gotten everyone else around here down either... I happen to love winter and snow. Nope, my doldrums have a direct correlation to the deep, dark RPattz black hole we seem to be stuck in right now. I miss his face. I know I can see his face anytime I want with a quick click of a button on Google, but I miss his "today" face. The beautiful face that's busy filming a couple of little movies down in Louisiana.

Hmmmm pretty.... but I need more. I always need more. My Rob-lust is not easily satisfied.

It seems that our fearless Breaking Dawn leader, Bill Condon, has the BD set in Baton Rouge on a lockdown fit for a prison riot at Sing Sing. I really feel bad for all of you out there who decided to go full on spoiler whore for this one because it ain't happening. May as well just put your pants back on and head home! [Note from TK: Nooooo!!!!! Fuck you, Bill Condon!] I'm beginning to think we should feel lucky we got what we did when they were filming in Brazil because shit has seriously dried the fuck up.

Although Jumpy Rob was a barrel of laughs for sure!

Maybe this is because all the locals are determined to keep the set protected. Or maybe it's because the crew has signed confidentiality agreements tighter than Bella's pussy. Even two of our resident masterful trench crawlers (I'm looking at you Laxplays and AGirlintheSouth) couldn't catch a glimpse of one fucking famous person. But then again, it's hard to know who you're looking at when you see two of everyone. Tip for next time girls: less drinky drinky, more stalky stalky.

I believe you can learn a lot from the kitteh.

Condon is smart though... giving us tiny little peeks into the movie... the feathers... then the picture... you know the one. That one that gave us all a spontaneous orgasm. That one in my Entertainment Weekly that I may have licked so much the page has been reduced to a soggy mess (kind of like my panties). Did he honestly think some fucking feathers in a hand and the humpty hump pic would tide us over for ten months? He obviously doesn't know us that well then, does he? We need this for survival!

Unf... yes... more please.

According to some reports, it's not going to get any better when the production moves to Vancouver. There have been grumblings of a "confinement unit." What the fuck does that mean? Are they afraid the cast is going to riot? All I can picture is a bunch of dudes with guns standing around making sure anyone who messes up their lines is properly punished. Um... wait a minute. Can I volunteer to dole out some spankings?

Is this another way of telling us the riot police will be in full force to impede our advancements in set stalking?

But I swear to all that is holy, if I don't get some set pics soon, I'm going to have nothing but a giant Karate Kid crane kick to the balls for Mr. Condon. So Bill... can I call you Bill? I'm thinking you better be a little more forthcoming with some photos if you value your family jewels. Seriously, I'd have even been happy with a picture of Rob eating his sandwich, or picking up a sandwich or doing whatever he was doing to that gah damn sandwich. What is wrong with those people in the deli? We need fucking pictures!

How many more days? No, don't tell me. It'll just depress me. JMFHF!

PS: UPDATE - I wrote this post earlier this afternoon... and it's like my prayers were answered. A short time ago, I saw this pic on Robsessed. Alas, it's like someone just gave me a teaspoon of water after a month in the desert. Mutherfuckers.


Sunday, January 30, 2011

Movie Recommendations - The Winter Edition

It's winter here in New Jersey and we have been solidly spanked by Mother Nature, who seems to gleefully be dumping tons of snow on us with wild abandon. According to the news people, this is the worst winter we've had in sixty two years. I know some of you may be used to dealing with oodles of white snowy goodness but... we're not. Call me a pussy all you want, there is no way in fucking hell I want to go outside unless it's walking directly from my porch to the car.

Image courtesy of Daddy (not a)Jerkface

There is one good thing to come of all this wintery mess, however -- I've been catching up on my movie-watching and I don't mean that I've just been watching an endless loop of Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse, either (though I kind of have been). I've been so immersed in Twi-land these past couple of years that I really haven't had much of a chance to watch anything outside of it, until now. As much as I love Edward in all his sparkly goodness, a girl needs to mix shit up once in awhile, you know?

It's okay, Jasper. She'll come back to us. She always does...

Regardless of whether or not you're currently squirreled away in your house, I'm sure many of you need a little break from vampires, emo heroines and werewolves. If you do, I have a few suggestions for you.

Winter's Bone -
An unflinching Ozark Mountain girl hacks through dangerous social terrain as she hunts down her drug-dealing father while trying to keep her family intact. (From Rotten Tomatoes)

This is a dark and somber flick that details just how devastating the effects of poverty can be. The heroine, Ree, is played by Jennifer Lawrence and I was absolutely blown away at how amazing she was.



The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl who Played With Fire and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest:

I'm just going to group these together. These movies have it all - crime drama, suspense, mystery and action. All three movies follow badass computer hacker Lisbeth Salander and journalist Mikael Blomkvist when they are originally paired up to solve a forty-year old cold case of a missing girl.

Be warned - these movies are not all puppies and rainbows. There is a good deal of violence in them, including a particularly brutal rape scene in the first one. But the storyline is superb and sucks you in and the acting is incredible.









Want more? There are a quite a few movies that are still playing in the theater that look absolutely amazing. Sure, you might have to leave your house but who doesn't want to re-finance their mortgage for a bag a chemically produced buttered popcorn and a big gulp of Coke?

True Grit -
Hands down, this has probably been one of the best movies I have seen in awhile. With a stellar cast of odd-ball characters, this is a true Western flick, with just the right amount of quirk that the Coen brothers are famous for. Jeff Bridges as the cantankerous, drunken Marshall Rooster Cogburn and Matt Damon as the obnoxious, puffed-up Texas Ranger LaBouef are positively flawless and Hailee Steinfeld as the stubborn, hardnosed young heroine Mattie Ross steals the screen. I really can't say enough about this movie, except that you must see it. You won't regret it.



Speaking of amazing actors, my last recommendation stars a particular actor that I was convinced would never be good. Thankfully, I've been proven wrong countless times and he's since moved to the top of my "kick-ass actor" list. You go, Mark Wahlberg.

The Fighter -
Based on the true story of boxer "Irish" Micky Ward, The Fighter is gritty and unapologetic. Christian Bale plays the crack-addicted ex-pro boxer Dicky Eklund, Micky Ward's (played by Mark Wahlberg) older brother.

The portrayal of the family dynamic, including manager-mom Alice Ward (played by Melissa Leo), and a brood of tough talking, heavy-drinking, hard-ass sisters were nearly as interesting as the boxing scenes, some of which left me gripping the armrests of my seat, grimacing with every hit. It's one of those movies that honest and stripped-down and you leave the theater in a stupor. Or trying to recreate the fight scenes in the theater parking (I don't recommend this. It hurts.)



So there you have it. For those of you who are also currently battling the freezing cold elements, I hope some of these suggestions can help alleviate your cabin fever. For the rest of you, who are probably basking in warm weather and glorious sun, who don't have to don forty-two layers just to get the mail... I hope you can enjoy these too.

Also, I hate you. In a loving way.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Twitard! The Parody.

Sometimes my lack of commitment to doing work at work pays off... This is one of those times.

I found this gem during an epic "I-don't-wanna-do-work/I-deserve-a-snow-day!" stretch of ennui earlier this week and I knew I had to share. However, I know that like the rest of us here at Twitarded, all you twatwaffles are in desperate need of a dose of Ritalin to temporarily stave off your ADD so that you can focus on something for longer than it takes to ogle a hot HQ RPatts outtake... What I am trying to say is that this video is a tad long for our Short Attention Span Theater ways, but I promise that if you hold out until at least the 2:47 mark, you will get a good snortle (don't say I didn't warn you - sip your wine or beverage of choice at 2:40-ish at your own peril). Honestly, I think the dude that plays Bella is priceless and this whole thing makes me wish I had brothers. Er, sort of... I'm not sure if their sister--who they made this for--appreciated their effort, but I know I did! It might have taken me two years to stumble across this, but it was worth the wait.


Thursday, January 27, 2011

Rob's Balls: Two Thumbs Up...Way Up!

Back in early November I went to Vancouver, B.C. for a birthday/girls' weekend. Top on my list of 'Things To Do' (Rob wasn't there so I had to settle for the more attainable) was to eat at Glowbal and try the infamous Kobe beef balls with spaghetti. Apparently the 'Twilight' cast ate at Glowbal often when filming in Vancouver. On several occasions, when Rob was doing interviews, he would go on and on and on about Glowbal's Kobe beef balls. He wouldn't fucking shut up about how good these beef balls are. I think he mentioned them, while his eyes glazed over, in at least three separate interviews. Needless to say, nothing gets by this corner of the fandom, and these Kobe beef balls were soon referred to as "Rob's Balls."

When I Google 'Rob's Balls' with 'Glowbal' this is what came up. I hope that Hostess has decided to re-think the implications of this product.

Prior to this getaway weekend I had been corresponding with Lorabell and CupcakeGirl76 about my trip to their fair city and my quest to ingest Rob's Balls. CupcakeGirl76 had already been to Glowbal and had a taste of said balls and assured me they were well worth the hype...she made us reservations. All this hype and I kept trying to picture not only what these balls were going to taste like, but what they were going to look like. Hmmmmmmmm...

For some reason a similar image to this kept coming to mind yet I kept reminding myself I can't buy this and, sadly, it is taken...and, oh wait, so am I...whoops!

Prior to my trip, LatchkeyWife had dared me to "Say It! Out Loud!" when ordering my Rob's Balls. I can't even remember what she promised me (she still owes me dammit!) but it didn't take much for me to take the bait. [Note from LKW: I'm pretty sure I promised you either a lap dance or make out session.] I was, admittedly, excited just to go to the restaurant and see CupcakeGirl76 and Lorabell as well as just BE in the restaurant the The Precious seemingly loves so much. I am not normally like this about celebrities, but we all know "normal" doesn't apply here. Thanks to CupcakeGirl76, I was shown exactly where on the menu Rob's Balls were:

I had my 5 year old do this... not really, but it looks like I did... shut up!... I am a technotard.

I told Lorabell and CupcakeGirl76 about LatchkeyWife's dare and they were 100% supportive. They offered to film me so I could prove to LatchkeyWife that I actually made good on the dare. I made sure my non-Twitard friends present had enough liquor in their system that they wouldn't care that I was about to make a complete fool of myself. I, also, downed some liquid courage. So, without further adieu...here is me...making a complete fool out of myself:



Thank you to SnarkierThanYou's friend for adding the mysterious floating eye bars. I wouldn't want the world to know it was me...especially Rob. I also promised the waitress I wouldn't expose her identity...I think I made good that promise...kind of, sort of.

I must say Rob's Balls most definitely lived up to the hype....they were magical. They were full of salty, meaty goodness and, yes, they literally melted in your mouth. I, like Rob, would eat them over and over again...nom, nom, nom.

I wish I could make this into a Scratch n' Sniff photo.

Soooooo, LatchkeyWife, you OWE me girlfriend. I will take my payout in unmarked bills please. Thank you to my non-Twitard besties that put up with all my shenanigans and thank you to CupcakeGirl76 and Lorabell for celebrating my birthday with me.

P.S. Rob-If ever you saw this post, please know that I totally respect you and your meat choice. Love, VitaminR70

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Winter Driving: It's Not Rocket Science!

Um ya... sorry, you're not getting any naked pictures of my ass! Especially since my "fat jeans" are feeling a little snug these days...

We've had a ton of snow up in my parts the past couple of weeks. Add bitter cold temperatures to the mix, and it's made for an interesting January. I don't mind snow. I don't even mind the cold that much. I'd rather have it cold than stifling hot - you can always add more layers. It's hard to take off your skin when it's fucking smoldering outside or inside if you're looking at some RPattz eye candy. But this week I think Mother Nature has gone too far and she was thisclose to getting a karate chop to the trachea for the weather.

This was not funny on a Monday morning. At all. My car nearly said "fuck you, I ain't moving!"

So the weather idiots say it was going to warm up on Tuesday. Um ya, when they say "warm," what they really mean is "still freeze-your-tits-off cold, just not in the single digits like Monday." It actually made it to the teens. Today is supposed to hit 30. I'll believe it when I see it... but then again, it usually does warm up a bit before that fickle bitch Ma Nature throttles us with more snow.

Tuesday morning it was snowing. Again. I'm not sure what it is about those white little flakes but for some reason they make people totally fucking useless. Just a light dusting, not supposed to amount to much, but for some reason, my fellow commuters turned completely stooopid. Sure, there wasn't much snow on the ground, but when the Maine Turnpike Authority reduces the speed to 45 mph, you should assume they kinda know what they're taking about. It's slippery people. Stop driving like a bunch of fucking morons. Like this person, who believes that just because she drives an SUV, she can defy the laws of physics:

How's that four-wheel drive working out now???
[Not to worry... no bad drivers were injured in this accident.]


And this dope, well, he was just a dope.
[Sorry for the blurriness... I was trying to keep from ending up like him!]


It's mornings like yesterday I wish Edward Cullen was my commuting companion. Actually I wish he was my copilot every morning but fuck, I'd never make it to work on time...if ever... iykwim! I would really prefer that I have an ahhhmy of Edwards to create a barrier around my vehicle so I don't fall victim to the asstardedness that surrounds me on these types of days.


Save me Edward... I'm surrounded by Tylers!

I'd like to think of myself as a real Mainer - and by that I mean, I can drive in the fucking snow (oh ya, and I was born here so I am a real Mainer!) Yes, I have 4-wheel drive, but it doesn't make me act like an indestructible asshole. I know when to be cautious. And how fast I can safely go in winter driving conditions. So how about it readers? Are you experienced snow drivers? Or do you crawl back into bed when you see the white stuff on the ground and wait for it to melt?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I Got Naked and Blogged About It.

The working title of this post was "I must be out of my damn mind." It briefly changed to "Holy Fucking Shit! I Fucking Did What?!" but STY has a problem with damn curse words in the titles. You had better read this post fast before I come to my senses and delete it.

I don't do New Year's Resolutions, but this year I did decide to step outside my comfort zone more. This shouldn't be hard as my comfort zone is sitting alone on my couch with a feed bag of Skittles. Something else I don't do is celebrate Valentine's Day. Or Mother's Day. Or my birthday. Or, well you get the picture. Mr. TK & I decided to celebrate birthdays and Valentine's Day this year. (I still rebuke you, Mother's Day.) Somewhere around October 2010 I decided to throw some napalm on my comfort zone and combine that with a Valentine's Day present. I decided to do a top secret racy photo shoot for Mr. TK. And blog about it. I must be out of my damn mind.

I immediately realized I needed a list to pull this off. I'm a list maker. Lists make me feel warm and safe at night. I made a list of all the things I'd need to do before the photo shoot. Top of the list was stepping up my exercise regime so I'm in top-notch shape. Have I mentioned my penchant for procrastination?


I started keeping a sort of journal for this event. You'll find the entries below.

Late October: Resolved to take naked or mostly naked pics and start trolling the internet obsessively for new lingerie. Who wants to take pics in the old stuff?

November 15: Overwhelmed with lingerie choices. Still not exercising with the regularity I promised myself.

Roughly mid-November: Texted @OhFefe and asked her if she wanted to get naked and take some pictures with me. Her immediate response: "Sure!" I love her.

November 26: Realized that OMG I FORGOT TO MAKE THE APPOINTMENT WITH THE PHOTOGRAPHER! How I don't die under the weight of my own stupidity, I'll never know.

November 27: Made the appointment with Ali Parker Photography for a photo shoot on January 15th.

December 2: Holy shit, why am I not working out every day?!

December 15: Narrowed down lingerie choices from 347,987,685 options to the top 10. Enlisted the help of Anntastic from Twi-fecta. [Here's where I have to say, none of this would have ever happened without Anne's help. She is a gem.]

December 20: Tried to order the top 3 lingerie choices from Trashy Lingerie. Did you know they custom make ALL their lingerie? I didn't. Six or more weeks for delivery. I had less than four. Motherfucker.

December 23: Why am I still not exercising every day? Tried to order lingerie choices 4-6 from La Perla. They didn't have my size in stock. FML.

December 28: Made a hair appointment and actually checked one item off the list.

December 29: Realized I don't have a local salon for waxing. Started researching this. The average price here is $35. WTF? I certainly wouldn't de-pelt a person for only $35. Started asking random strangers if they get waxed, how much they pay and if these places are going to burn off my snatch. I need my snatch. I use it every day.

December 30: Stared at my ass in the mirror for a full 20 minutes. It was higher and tighter the last time I looked at it. I guess the last time I examined it I was 25. Whatever.

December 31: Gave up on trying to order lingerie from anywhere in the continental U.S. Found several things on a British site. Threw them in the virtual shopping cart. Did the currency conversion. Almost passed out. Proceeded to checkout. An alert popped up that fastest estimated shipping time is more than 2 weeks. Aaahhhhh! It's almost 2011! Are they shipping it on the fucking Mayflower? FML.

January 1-2: Purchased at least 15 backup lingerie pieces. I hate them all.

January 6: Took mostly naked pictures of myself in the aforementioned hated lingerie & sent them to nearly every person in my contacts list for their opinions. I pretty much looked like sex on a stick standing in my poorly lit bathroom, not having showered and laundry hanging in the background.

January 7: Made my waxing appointment. My schedule being what it is, I will have to squeeze this in during lunch and go back to work. FML.

January 8: Booked a hotel room. Mr. TK asked why I'm acting funny. He intimated that he thinks I'm having an affair.
New lingerie: $300
Waxing: $50
Hotel room: $100
The demise of my marriage: Priceless

January 15: OMFG TODAY IS THE DAY! I almost puked at least 3 times in the morning. The amount of subterfuge it took to get out of the house with 2 giant bags full of lingerie, shoes, and beauty products was unreal. Arrived at the hotel. It kicked ass. I will not name the hotel because there were allegedly some damages that said hotel never noticed. Both Fefe & I tried to fix a crooked painting and knocked it off the wall. On 2 separate occasions. Oops. It's also possible a lamp was broken. I can neither confirm nor deny.

The hotel room...before we went all Charlie Sheen on its ass. Also, the room is not crooked. I suck at photography.

Our make-shift bar. What's that in front of the Goose?

That's right. A Forks shot glass, baby. You were all there with me in spirit. I hope you averted your eyes.

Hair and makeup were done in record time. I barely had time to throw back 2 shots of Grey Goose before my semi-naked ass was on that bed. Ali was amazing. A-MA-ZING. I can't imagine doing this with anyone else. I am the most awkward and un-photogenic person on the planet. I hate having my picture taken. I was the "Photo Not Available" girl throughout my school years. Ali made me so comfortable instantly. We went from introductions and an exchange of pleasantries to me walking around in panties and a smile an hour later. She lives in Oklahoma, but I would recommend her to anyone and everyone. You need to fly her and her magic camera to your neighborhood if you even contemplate taking these kinds of photos. Seriously, her camera is magic.

Fefe and I had the best time. If I ever visit that hotel again, I will have to check in under an alias. Aside from the aforementioned alleged damages, the trash cans were full of fake eyelash and hosiery packaging, lingerie price tags, a sushi container (a story for another time) and broken lamp parts. We are rock stars.

Fefe and me showing what rock stars we are. I'm always on top. Always.

After the shoot, we went to a burger joint and wolfed down some greasy deliciousness. With our hair and makeup still done, I'm sure people thought we were strippers who knocked off early for the night. Whatever. I brought Mr. TK home a bag of food, shoved it in his face and kept my head covered as I ran in the door and straight to the bathroom. How I'm still married after being gone all day to an undisclosed location, coming home with an overnight bag, stripper makeup and sex hair, I'll never know. Mr. TK was just pissed that it was so easy to distract him with food.

Against my better judgment, I'm posting the least risque shots below. Only Mr. TK (and a handful of other people) will ever get to see the rest. Unless I lose my phone. Then I'm fucked.

This mattress was like quicksand. Next time we do this (and there will be a next time), I'm bringing a long stick so Fefe can rescue my ass from the sinking bed.

The roots of my hair look really good here.

I think I had to hold this pose for an hour. Or 2 minutes. Whichever. My abs were on fire.

I refuse to be seen in anything other than black and white and soft lighting going forward.


Yep, that window was open the whole time because we needed the light. The other hotel patrons got a little extra bang for their buck.

There's really no way to not have an awkward transition here. I'm just going to hide now while you all make dart boards out of my ass.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Some Advice for a SXSW Virgin

As most of you know, I normally ditch Snarkier Than You and crew for a few days each March and head down to sunny and weird Austin, Texas for SXSW (South by Southwest) for four days of music, mayhem and booze.

I've noticed that there are quite a few of you who are eager to pop your SXSW cherries by attending this year's festivities and--because I'm not a total douche all the time--I thought I'd give all you ladies a few tips on surviving SXSW.


While I'm afraid this post isn't going to contain a whole lot of poop or vagina jokes like they usually do, I'm hoping it will at least be informative. In the interest of not boring the pants off of everybody, I'm not going to go too in depth into what this festival/conference is all about. I'm only focusing on the music aspect of the festival and I'm not going to bother getting into the details of the actual conference, mainly because I don't buy the passes and am not in the industry so I've never gone to the actual conference. I'm just there for the music and pah-tays .


I'm strictly basing this on my experience, so consider this a layman's FAQ on SXSW. If you're looking for a laid back, relaxing vacation, SXSW is definitely not for you. It takes a decent amount of pre-planning and research if you want to get the most out of your trip. On the flip side, if you're just looking for a place to party and drink and don't particularly care what bands you want to see, fuck the planning, apologize in advance to your liver, and go have fun.


I once read a quote (from where I can't even begin to tell you because my memory is abysmal) that said something along the lines of "if you're going to SXSW for the first time, don't expect to actually see any bands" and it's kind of true. It's THAT hectic and crazy. But it's also THAT much fun. The first year I went, I think I ended up wandering up down the streets, mouth agape and eyes glazed, overwhelmed and confused and awed by the sheer level of activity.

There are a shit-ton of bands that play SXSW--last year it was somewhere close to two thousand, I believe. They play in bars, restaurants, the corners of the streets, make-shift stages in parking lots and fields - just everywhere.


In order to see an "official" showcase, you have to buy passes. Let me be blunt - the passes are fucking expensive. Like, about $700.00 expensive. I'd have to suck a lot of dicks to be able to afford a pass and even then I'm not sure my technique will earn me enough to get a pass. Plus, the passes often include panels and discussions that are geared toward industry folk and not a shlub like me, though I've read about a few of the speakers and discussions and I'd really like to attend.

That being said, there are SXSW official shows and there are parties. You need a pass to go to the official shows but, for the most part, you don't need a pass to go the parties. True fax: nearly all the bands that play the official shows also play the parties. And lots of them. It isn't unusual for a band to play five or six shows in one day. Even better? There are many, many bands that are not part of the official showcasing that will also be playing the parties. It's a win-win situation.

Note from STY - this looks like indie rock mardi gras - all the fun, none of floats, beads, and frat boys.

I won't lie to you - finding parties/schedules/bands that are playing SXSW takes a little research. They won't start announcing parties until a few weeks before the actual event, but you can still go to their official website to see the list of bands, which will continue to grow.

The internet is your friend if you're going to SXSW and there is a treasure trove of information to be found. This website helped me a lot last year - Do512. Do a lot of Googling - there are hundreds of really informative music blogs on the net that should help you to compile a list of free parties if you are interested. Some of these parties require you to sign up or RSVP (and some are not free), so it's important that you do research. And just because you did sign up for something doesn't mean you will actually get into the venue.

Have a backup plan at all times. There is always the chance that the venue where Band A is playing might be totally packed and you can't get in, or you'll wait for hours only to have things become so horrendously crowded at the last second that you'll bail (ahem, we totally did this last year. I was SO disappointed.) Have a Band B you'd also like to see in the same time slot. SXSW is a huge production to pull together and shit will go wrong. Bands will be canceled or their stage time changed and venues will become packed to capacity. Last year, the only thing that saved me was a three-page spreadsheet I compiled of all the bands I wanted to see, with the address and name of the venue included. It also helps if you actually bring said spreadsheet with you -- I left it at the hotel room the first day and was desperately trying to pull it up on my Blackberry as I wandered aimlessly down 6th St., trying to remember which band I wanted to see.


Which brings me to the next piece of advice - dress appropriately. There is a lot of walking (and sometimes running) and you'll find yourself waiting in lines more often than not. Be sensible and don't show up in a pair of stiletto boots like Texas Katherine did last year. It's not a fashion show and no one gives a shit what you look like.

See? Texas Katherine doesn't give a shit...

That last piece of advice I learned last year when I was shivering like a lunatic in a sundress in thirty degree weather with 90 mile per hour winds that had me recreating that famous Marilyn Monroe picture where her dress is blowing over head, only she looked good doing it and I ruined someone's lunch when I mooned a packed restaurant--Texas weather is a fickle fucking bitch. One minute it's ninety-five and the next you're huddled in the corner of an alley, freezing your fucking ass off.

Be prepared, people. That's all I'm saying. Oh, and bring hand sanitizer because I guarantee you will visit a port-o-john at least once during your visit. Just try not to fall out of it like I did. I blame it on the fact that the toilets were lined up on a hill. And all the beer I consumed, because basic rules of acceptable drinking times shoot right out the window the second you step foot in Texas for SXSW. Beer with breakfast? Yum! So, yes, it does take some planning but trust me, SXSW is worth every second of it. From what I recall, anyway...