Sunday, July 31, 2011

Is Everything Really Better With Bacon?

I was out shopping today and had surpassed my 60-minute tolerance window for being in a mall (after which I fly into a murderous rage and start threatening to bludgeon people to death with size 00 mannequins if they don't get me to the nearest exit), so I decided that I should stop at the liquor store on the way home to dull the pain. Everyone driving on Route 1 was an idiot, and after I sat in my car screaming at the top of my lungs because the person in front of me was trying to make an illegal turn into four lanes of oncoming traffic, I knew I needed some serious libations when I arrived home. Or else. 

Once in the comfort of my local liquor emporium, I made a beeline for the vodka aisle and stopped in my tracks when I saw THIS:

 Well helloooo there...

Bacon-flavored vodka??? I wasn't sure if I felt repulsed by the idea or if I needed help loading a few cases of the stuff into my car; possibly a little bit of both. 

I'm a big fan of bacon. Huge. Bacon is delicious and totally worth the years it shaves off my life. I buy a really amazing uncured, nitrate-free bacon that melts in my mouth like little wafers of fatty goodness. It is sublime and I look forward to it on the weekends. I also can't eat eggs or toast or butter or any of that other delicious breakfast-y stuff, so bacon is pretty much it for me as far as awesome, decadent breakfast foods go. I need it. But do I need it in my vodka? I'm not sold on the idea, but it's under consideration.

There are a lot of bacon-y things out there I would consider trying...

The bacon alarm clock:

I'm pretty sure if I had this thing, I would end up dreaming about bacon all the time. Bacon  would be incorporated into my dreams somehow. This would not be a bad thing, in my book. Let me just say for the record that the person who wakes me up from the dream where Robert Pattinson is hand-feeding me bacon in bed is in big fucking trouble.

Possible deal-breaker on the bacon alarm clock:  the glowing red eyes and snout might be a little too Amityville Horror for me.

Chocolate-covered bacon:

I thought chocolate-covered pretzels and chocolate-covered potato chips sounded pretty weird the first time I tried them, too, but they're both things I would place high on my list of desert island foods.

But vodka? Do I really want to drink my bacon? Let me just state for the record that while I don't consider myself a vodka snob, I generally drink good potato vodka, usually after infusing it with berries. I almost knocked a bottle of Ciroc out of someone's hands at the liquor store because it's the most vile vodka I have ever tasted [Dear grapes: Please stick to wine--you are no good for making vodka.], and I'm pretty sure that vodka flavors like "Bubble Gum," "Gummy" and "Cotton Candy" are only consumed by underage girls.

 I think they misspelled "Pedophile." 

I guess I'll have to file this away with the other "savory" vodka flavors - like pepper and habanero - that I might use in a Bloody Mary but that's about it. Or I should give it a try - I mean, it could be one of those magical moments like the creation of Reese's peanut butter cups.
You got your bacon in my vodka!

You got your vodka on my bacon!
I mean, I like vodka...and I like bacon, soooo... I might have to go to there. Who's free for brunch???

Friday, July 29, 2011

Renesmee, Your Name is Just the First Thing Wrong With You

I'm going to apologize ahead of time for this post being all over the place. I've had a day. Well, a fairly typical day for me. I had to run a sick kid to the doctor, had a mild stroke while I waited for labs to tell me my son had a cold and not one of the three life-threatening illnesses being passed around, witnessed someone puking at the Wal-Mart in my checkout line, had to get near strip searched because said Wal-Mart's security sensors were on the fritz and then still had to go to work to deal with the usual month-end madness.

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment because I feel the need to discuss a disturbing topic: Renesmee. DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE YOUR BROWSER NOW! We are all in this together. Just as a review, let's go over the basic Renesmee story again. An old vampire man injects his baby batter into a barely legal girl and creates a demon spawn in utero. Aforementioned barely legal girl has a gestation period roughly the length of the Virginian opossum (I Googled that shit), dies, and has her demon opossum offspring chewed out of her titanium-like womb. The only sane conclusion to this mayhem is to have a wolf declare his undying love to the marsupial hellion minutes after her gory entrance into the world. Did I mention she drinks blood? It's like a fairy tale! Er, a fairy tale snorting blow off a hobo's ass crack in a dark alley. If all of that isn't bad enough, her necrophiliac parents named her Renesmee Carlie after four of the things they loved most in the world. My next child will be named SaksVodkaNordstromSkittles.

This is pure brilliance.

Now that we're all caught up on this gem of a character, let's discuss how we can all process this trauma and begin to heal. Some use their creativity as an outlet. This is not always advisable. Not everyone can be as talented as I am.

This took almost fifteen entire seconds of my life.

Here are some other manifestations:

Flapper Renesmee: She'll make you dance your heart out. No seriously, she wants your heart.

Dominatrix Eloise Renesmee: She's so cute you almost don't mind her shrill "Run, bitch, run!" screams.

Just when you thought "Toddlers & Tiaras" couldn't go any lower.

I feel like I need to tell a teacher or trusted adult about this picture.

Teen Wolf: You're doing it wrong.

Those damn Brits don't know how to carry an American football or a baby. Wrap her up!

OMG, it's one of those creepy life-like dolls that stars in my nightmares! I am so freaked out by these.

Stop. This makes the doll look normal by comparison.

Eyes-Too-Close-Together Renesmee: She's sampling your blood while you sleep.

I think I have a whole new bag of issues to deal with now. I have to commend her on her dedication, though. I can't put more than five minutes into creating a costume.

OMG, it's that damn doll again! Why is she about to crush my larynx with a karate chop?

And the piece de resistance...

WHO THE FUCK MADE A DOLL OUT OF MY BABY WITH RPATTZ? I feel violated. This will not stand. Check it out though — she brought her own lunch!

Let's huddle up and talk this out in the comments. I think I need to double up on my therapy before the movie comes out.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Breaking Dawn Merch: I'm Worried.

So I was over at Jenny Jerkface's house the other day, admiring how Twitarded's three Edward Cullen standees complement the decor in her dining room. I started wondering when Breaking Dawnward would be available and how many more standees we could bring in to JJ's home before ML puts a hit out on me (I suspect the answer may be "none," but we'll find out). And then it occurred to me that we're on the verge of a huge influx of Break Dawn merchandise. People, this could get interesting.

I'm actually a little concerned by the lack of Breaking Dawn merch at ComicCon - don't they usually unveil the minis and assorted other NECA Twilighty tchotchkes there? The only thing I've seen so far is this awful, sucks-to-the-nth-degree calendar (which we'll deal with in its entirety some other night) -

It's a little-known fact that part of the vampiric marriage ceremony involves the bride and groom having their hair dyed a matching shade.

Just because few "official" items have come out doesn't mean that there aren't treasures to be had... As usual, the fans are way ahead of the curve, crafting their own merch to fill that gaping hole in their hearts that can only be assuaged by DIY OOAK Barbies...

Spoiler alert! I've seen the Breaking Dawn script and Bella becomes a biker and runs off with Jackson Rathbone after a 100 Monkeys show. It's a little bit of a departure, but as you can see it just WORKS.

How about a reproduction of Bella's wedding dress? You know it's coming! Perfect for your Twilighty themed wedding to your Edward or a sly nod to your love of Twilight that 99% of people won't get, so go nuts! Mr. Snarky is lucky we already tied the knot, that's all I'm saying. Our 10th anniversary is coming up early next year, though, so maybe we'll get dressed up and renew our vows. You know, just for kicks and giggles.

Some entrepreneurial ladies are already selling their version of the hair clip Bella wears in the wedding scene on Etsy.

There was a time when I absolutely would have worn this. Sadly, that time was the late 80s.

A slightly more wearable nod to Twilight is available here -

This comes with a lock of Robert Pattinson's hair in it, right?

I suppose ANY hand-crafted merchandise is better than the infamous "Bella's Womb" - AKA "the thing that kept the Pattinson Panties from being the #1 inappropriate piece of Twi gear that year" -


So what do you think is being concocted in some factory in China at this very moment??? Clever, fitted maternity tees for Hot Topic and elastic-waist maternity jeans in the Brass Plum section of Nordstrom? What will be the thing you'll NEED to add to your collection??? And how much effort will you put into hiding said acquisition from your S/O???

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Happy Birthday, Lisa! 17 Again... Right?

This might be some sort of record in Twitarded history. In the past week, we've done not one, not two, but THREE timely posts! HOLY SHIT, someone alert the fucking media!! Even us Derelicts Under the Bleachers get something right once in a while. But how could we not jump on this birthday bandwagon for someone as special as Lisa. So, without further ado... a birthday message from the Twitarded quartet.

Clicky to make bigger! (TWSS)

We're in good company!
Batter Up
Starting Pitch
Home Run
First Base
Second Base
Third Base
Home Plate
Extra Innings w/Grand Slam
The Dugout
7th Inning Stretch
The Beer Vendor
The Outfield
The Press Box
The Locker Room
Spring Training

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Jasper and Alice make a Renesmee of their own???

I love the internet. It's full of news and videos and porn and just millions of other things that make me smile or help me piss away my time uselessly. It's like a one-stop shop for the good, the bad and the maybe-I-should-alert-the-Feds-to-this.

Whenever I'm searching for stuff on the internet, my motto is "the weirder the better". Seriously, if it makes me uncomfortable (and I'm talking more "what-the-fuck-IS-that" uncomfortable, not "it-puts-the-lotion-in-the-basket" uncomfortable) to look at, then I want it.

Of course, the icing on my cake is when I stumble across something totally fucking off the wall AND it somehow has to do with Twilight. This happens often. Rumor has it those Twilight fans are a weird fucking bunch.

And that's why I nearly fell out of my chair in a fit of hysterics the other day when I came across a doll that is supposed to be the likeness of Jasper's and Alice's love child, if they could have had one.


Oh, wait. These are Twilight vampires we're talking about.


To get the whole story on this little bundle of... er... terror, go here. It's worth it, I promise. 

Personally, I kind of want this doll. I also bet if I showed this to ML and told him I was getting it as a conversation piece for a living room, he wouldn't be so disagreeable to my doll-heads-in-a-jar centerpiece that I want for the dining room.

 Right? I don't get why he says it frightens him, either.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Comic-Con and the Green-Eyed Monster

Probably a few of you are staggering your way back into RL from a long Comic-Con weekend bender. I'm kind of bummed I didn't make it this year. Ok, I'm really bummed. Mr. TK and I planned to go, but it just didn't pan out. I took a day off work to purchase tickets the second they went on sale. I had the iMac, MacBook, and iPhone all in a line trying to navigate the Comic-Con ticket site. I have no idea how a website created by a bunch of computer geeks did not work. After a number of hours and several attempts on later dates, I finally threw in the towel. I texted Mr. TK and said "It's too fucking hard. We're not going." To which he replied, "Uh...OK. Where were we going?"

I never planned to attend the Breaking Dawn panel because I hate crowds. And screaming people. And crowds of screaming people. My people skills leave a lot to be desired. Nonetheless, I heard the BD panel-goers got to see an exclusive honeymoon clip. Bitches. (Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know they waited in line for days, rationed bathroom trips, etc, but don't begrudge me my bitterness.)

Here are some snippets from the Breaking Dawn panel. I dare you not to focus on how RPattz keeps making his hairtastrophe worse.

My favorite quote from the panel was RPattz talking about the honeymoon sex scenes. "The thing I was most nervous about was taking my shirt off...I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, I look like an inflatable frankfurter in some of those [scenes]." Oh Rob, that is like shooting fish in a barrel to make a joke out of that. You insult me. I expect to see your inflatable frankfurter as an apology.

Moving along, there were so many other panels I would have punched a Care Bear to attend. I would have loved to see the Psych group and the combined Steven Spielberg / Peter Jackson panel. I recently discovered 30 Rock (because I live under thirty rocks and have no clue what happens on the talking box) and would have cutabitch to see that crew. The list goes on and on and it will just make me more bitter to talk about it.

One panel I wasn't really interested in was Snow White and the Huntsman. Latchkey Wife and I sometimes share a brain and she had the same thought last night. I saw the Snow White cartoon when I was a kid and it fucked my shit up. From the freaky Queen to the singing unionized midgets, that cartoon was creeptastic. I have a grab bag full of issues from that movie, Sleeping Beauty, and Bambi. The fuck, Disney?

But I digress. I saw a rundown of the movie on TwiDazzledGal and now I'm intrigued. It's got some great names attached to it, including Kristen Stewart in the lead role. It looks like Joan of Arc meets Lord of the Rings. The Huntsman is hired to kill Snow White, but ends up training her all ninja-like to battle the Queen. I've had "Whistle While You Work" stuck in my head for thirty years. This might just be the thing to erase it from my memory. (Don't pretend it's not in your head now.) The movie won't be released until June 1, 2012, but I plan on seeing it if the heat from this summer doesn't kill me.

Kristen, Alex P. Keaton called and he wants his shoes back.

Here are some videos from the panel:

Did any of you go to Comic-Con? Please share the details so I can marinate in my jealousy. What was your favorite part of the experience? Do you still have "Whistle While You Work" stuck in your head?

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Snow White Will Kick Your Ass!

I haven't really been paying much attention to this whole Kristen Stewart as Snow White deal lately since it hasn't even started filming. But they've been chatting it up at Comic Con, [which I totally wish I had gone to because everyone's been tweeting about the amazing time and all the stars they've been seeing/meeting/photographing! Totally jealous!] so I had to take a looksee.

It's been years and years since I've seen the Disney version of Snow White but somehow in the back of my mind, all I can remember is a bunch of happy little men dancing around with a pretty, fairly pale skinned girl. And a wicked bitch of a queen that wants her dead. Awwww... Disney movies are so cunnin'. So of course, I had to revisit the whole plot of the original story and mutherfucker, that shit's just downright evil.

So not what this new movie is going to look like... at all.

This little snippet of the plot -- kinda made me shiver a bit:
The queen becomes jealous, and orders a huntsman to take Snow White into the woods to kill her and return with her lungs and liver as proof she's dead. The huntsman tries, but finds himself unable to kill her, instead he lets her go, telling her to hide from the Queen. He then brings the queen the lungs and liver of a boar, which is prepared by the cook and eaten by the queen.

What a happy little tale the Brothers Grimm spin! Makes me all fucking warm and fuzzy inside. Somehow I don't think there will be many singing animals in this movie.

I guess this explains why KStew looks more like Joan of Arc than my image of Disney Snow White. Makes sense though -- I don't really see her wearing a frilly dress and prancing around in the forest with those dwarfs. I bet she's going to turn those little fuckers into her own personal army.

She is going to kick some evil Queen ass!

And Charlize Theron is one scary bitch as the evil Queen. I'm going to have nightmares. Evidently, she's ready to throw it down and said "I'm ready for it, bitch. Let's go!" at the start of the CC panel. She really does scare me.

Fuck, I think I just pissed my pants. Scary bitch.

I'm not really familiar with the dude playing the Prince -- I guess he was in the newest Pirates movie (which I haven't seen yet *tsk tsk*) but I'm looking forward to seeing him naked take on this role.

You're looking a little pale, Prince... are you sure you're not a vampire?

But I want the Huntsman to do dirty, dirty things to me....and I also feel the need to see Thor now. Is he shirtless in Thor? Naked? I need him to be both of those things.

Oh YES! I will let you chop me up and put me in my own freezer!

I actually think I'm kind of excited to see this movie -- much more so than that ridiculous version of Red Riding Hood (which I will see eventually) -- and I'm going to need to see it on the big screen. And yes, probably just so I can see the Huntsman in all his giant movie screen hotness... but please don't judge me. You know you're nodding your head right now!

Are you all excited for this one? How do you think KStew will pull off "the fairest of them all"? Think she's going to kick ass?

Friday, July 22, 2011

It's really hot out and OH MAH GAHD!! IT'S THE BEL AMI TRAILER!!

So, tonight I was all set to basically bitch about the weather and how standing on a subway platform that smells like the baked inside of a homeless man's underpants really sucks but then Snarkier Than You sent me an email entitled STOP THE PRESSES!! and I watched it and had an orgasm so you get that instead.

The link that was in the email, I mean. Not my orgasm. Go get your own fucking orgasm.

Admittedly I haven't been keeping up much with Bel Ami, mainly because I heard it wasn't getting released in the states anytime soon but... now I NEED to see this movie. RIGHTTHEFUCKNOW. How do we make this go, people?

And if it is being released in the states, feel free to ignore the previous paragraph or mock me relentlessly in the comments. Honestly? I really do live under a rock for the most part.

This movie looks fantastic. Even from the trailer it looks like the Prettah has really amped up his acting chops. And there's going to be sex scenes. With Robert Pattinson.

Let me repeat that in case your eyes were rolling up in the back of your head after watching that trailer.

Sex scenes. Robert Pattinson.

Oh, yes.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Robert Pattinson & The Deathly Half Faux-Hawk

So I was going to write about how Mr. Snarky had left a pan I'd asked him to wash in the sink for four days before he finally got around to cleaning it, and then he only washed the inside and left the outside coated with an inch of schmutz, but at some point I realized that even though Mr. Snarky doesn't read the blog, we have quite a few friends who wander over here from time to time and I figure keeping people we have drinks with on the weekends well-informed on my state of affairs below the belt is probably about as far as I should go. That might even be too far. Maybe. I don't know where my boundaries are anymore, really.
So I won't mention any of that here, since Mr. Snarky's always been a totally good sport about the blog and the associated burned dinners we eat at 10:30 (like the one I am cooking now!), getting ignored while I write a post while sitting six inches away from him (with bonus "SHHH!!"/"talk to the hand" moments), and the weeks (and money) I spend away from him doing stupid, crazy, wonderful bloggy stuff (I'm looking at you, trip to Forks and BlogHer). But whatever - let's move on because I have something more important to talk about.

In a totally unusual (but not entirely unprecedented) move, we're going to talk about something that actually happened TODAY. I know; I can't believe it either. Stop fighting over the smelling salts - there's enough to go around and some of you could probably use a little time-out anyway.

If you were on Twitter or anywhere in the Twi-o-sphere today, you were likely glued to the updates coming from ComicCon, where Breaking Dawn had its first meeting or panel or press conference or whatever the fuck they're calling it. The Holy Trinity (or "Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and that other dude") were in attendance, along with some other people we're currently giving the benefit of the doubt to but will probably want to flay come November.

I'm going to cut right to the chase and say when I gleefully clicked away from my work bullshit and hit the first link that would direct me to the promised land of RPatts hotness, I was beyond optimistic. Way beyond. I mean, we've gotten some very, VERY good fodder for our secret RPatts folders from ComicCon over the years. Sure, I'd seen the recent pics showing the odd hair, but frankly I haven't been paying all that much attention to Cosmopolis filming (one can only handle so many pics of a person coming and going from their trailer) and figured the photographers had just caught a bad angle or RPatts had that weird just-showered look that makes 'dos that are both short and wet look funky sometimes.

But instead of looking like this:

 Bed-head-Con in 2008.

Or THIS - 

 Cute PlaidPatts in 2009 
(or maybe 2010 - for the life of me I couldn't figure out the 2009 and 2010 pics - did they not do 2010? I went nuts looking but stopped when I found myself feverishly clutching a calendar to be certain of the present year. True story.)

I got THIS:

Who is this and how did he escape his straightjacket at the institution???

And THIS -

  Well first you dislocate your shoulders and then...

 I was told there would be rice pudding.

OK, fine, I get it. All kidding aside, our love of RPatts is not THAT shallow. His personality is what keeps us this obsessed, as well as the nice package it's housed in. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I am crying a little over the lost additions to my photo collection. There is a part of me that thinks he's fucking with us; that he is trying to make himself ugly so that we will stop writing about how we want to lick his genitals. [Note to Rob: I've done an informal but very scientifically valid survey of approximately half a dozen Twitards, and it ain't gonna work. Nice try, though.] 

As the photos came streaming in from ComicCon, I about pitched a fit. I felt robbed! And not in a good way... Blah blah blah "it's for Cosmopolis in case they need to reshoot scenes" - whatever - I DON'T CARE. Never in the history of film making has an A-list actor been called upon to walk around in such a high-profile setting looking like he got attacked, held down, and thrashed at with a pair of hair clippers by an angry mob of jealous husbands and S/Os who are tired of their wives and girlfriends running their hands through their hair, sighing despondently, and saying "That's not like Rob's hair..." He must have wanted to do this. The man knows how to wear a beanie AND a baseball cap with aplomb.

I DID notice quite a bit of bronze-y coloring going on; too bad it's not that way in the movie.

Pretty damn nice from this side.

The patented (Pattinsoned?) Sparkle Steel Smolder: so powerful it transcends ridiculous haircuts. Mostly.

So who among us is going to digitally enhance these pics and make it right??? Twitarded minds want to know - there must be a way... Otherwise I'm going to take these photos and fold them in half - either side works - I like short hair Rob! I like tousled bed-head Rob! - but when you put them together, it works about as well as that fucked up dress that Kim Basinger designed and wore to the Oscars years back. {{{sigh}}}

Laaaaaadiiiies, start your photo-editing software!

Photos mostly filched from ROBsessed and Robert Pattinson Life.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Learning to Talk More Gooder

My biggest pet peeves EVER are poor grammar and punctuation misuse (or a complete lack of punctuation). I realize that I've just set myself up to have at least fifteen mistakes in this post as karma and I have a very fuck-me-in-the-ass kind of relationship. It doesn't really bother me to see grammar abuse in a text or a personal e-mail. Most of us are e-mailing from our phones and it's hard enough to navigate the itty bitty keys and the autocorrect surprise attacks. Professional correspondence, however, is a different story. Anyone who sends me an e-mail at work with egregious errors either gets their email deleted or gets an e-mail back with corrections. Some say I'm an asshole. I say I'm an unpaid English tutor.

I ran across a drawing The Oatmeal did a while back ago on homophones. I will buy this poster and hang it on my office door. My biggest pet peeve EVER is interchanging your and you're. A puppy dies every time you do this. Please stop, for the love of puppies, and rainbows and sparkle peens.

An easy way to remember this is "You're going to get your ass kicked if you don't learn the difference."

Let's move onto a harder concept. Their / they're / there are words autocorrect likes to interchange. Stop changing all of my "th" words, Steve Jobs.

Here's an example of the difference: "They're having their loud ass orgy over there."

Let's hit then and than next. This is another autocorrect booby trap since the a and e are too damn close together.

Here's an example: "I thought I was better than TK, then I realized I was dreaming." Ok, that was a little too asshole-y, even for me.

Probably the most common homophone mistake is substituting it's for its. One means "it is" and the other is possessive.

Example: "It's about to get real when I have to give Renesmee its bath." Some might think I used the wrong pronoun. I stand by my assessment.

Just because words sound the same doesn't mean they are the same. I have no idea how someone can learn English as a second language and not say "fuck it" after two minutes.

Give it a second if you don't see it right off the bat.

Let's talk about the comma. There is a huge difference between "Let's eat, Bella!" and "Let's eat Bella!" The former will get you cake; the latter will get you fucked up by Edward Cullen. Please use commas. The life you save could be your own.

"I just want the first piece of cake, Edward!"

Grammar and punctuation are your friends. Don't be afraid to utilize them. Think of them as friends with benefits.

The consequences for disrespecting the English language could be dire.

"I rebuke punctuation errors, bitches!"

Do you have any language-related pet peeves? Have you ever dressed anyone down for speaking like the Lolcats in real life? If not, you don't know what you're missing. Please share in the comments and feel free to mock any of my errors. I'll be dusting my glass house.