Wednesday, November 30, 2011

'Tis the Catch a Cold.

Add 1,357,286 used Kleenex and this is pretty much what things look like lately at Casa de Snarky.

I don't get sick often, but when summer fades into winter (which is how it usually goes in these parts, with some leaf-falling in the interim), I generally get my annual cold or flu. Something about the temperature going from 70 one day to 30 and snowing the next is too much for my system to handle. I've spent many a birthday - in late October - in a fetal ball on my bathroom floor. Thankfully, this year I made it through my birthday with a clean bill of health, and only gave in to the nagging "I think something's coming on..." feeling AFTER I saw Breaking Dawn. But since then, things have been a little sucky [note: these things definitely impact brain function and vocabulary].

I am tired of being sick. I have had a cold for almost two weeks, and honestly, if I had the energy to be annoyed, I'd be really pissed off about the way it's lingering. If it wasn't for Aquaphor, I would probably have a gaping hole where my nose goes at this point, since I have ejected my body weight in snot into tissues over the last two weeks and there is no tissue on earth soft enough once you reach a certain point of chaffed. I would consider a return to handkerchiefs - whisper-soft handkerchiefs! - until I remember that you have to wash them. {{{shudder}}}

Also, I miss the taste of food. Oh, don't get me wrong - other than a couple of days last week when things were looking particularly dire and I barely moved other than to work, I have been eating like a champ. I've got that "I'm sick and should indulge myself" thing going. "Feed a cold", right??? Um yeah... But here is a list of all the things that I actually enjoy when I have a cold:
  1. Homemade chicken broth/soup (tastes like hot!)
  2. Diet ginger ale (tastes like cold!)
  3. Pepperidge Farm Cheddar Cheese Goldfish (tastes like salty!)
    That's pretty much it.

    Half-way into cooking my first batch of chicken soup about ten days ago,  I realized that I would have no real way of telling if it was good or bad. Or REALLY bad (I make my chicken soup with leftover chicken carcasses that I keep in the freezer, sooo...). The cat didn't turn her nose up at it when I offered (thanks for taking that bullet for me, Quato), but I was relieved when Mr. Snarky came home and declared the soup definitely not putrid. There was an initial scare when he walked in the door and said something had a little whang to it, but we determined that it was emanating from outside and not my stock pot. Yay!

    Today I started making a pot of turkey soup from the leftover Thanksgiving bird, only to have the top of the pot get a little...frothy. Despite the fact that I thing it was probably soap, I tasted nothing. I scooped out the offending bubbles and turned up the heat. A little detergent is NOT going to ruin this for me! I would have cried if I hadn't been able to make this soup. I'm not above Campbell's Chicken & Stars in a pinch, but nothing beats homemade for it's "goes straight to your marrow" goodness.

    Oh...and why, you might ask, did I have leftover turkey/cook a big dinner on Thanksgiving? While I was sick??? Because this is what Mr. Snarky looked like at the grocery store last Thursday morning when I suggested maybe we should take it easy and just cook a chicken:

    And this is what he looked like when I said FINE let's cook a huge-ass *#%$!!! turkey even though we're both sick:

    In hindsight, it was a nice to eat solid food, and we've been eating leftovers all week. Plus I didn't have to go anywhere or cook anything extra for all those additional meals to happen. But I am OVER this cold! Or want to be...

    So what are your secrets for getting over a cold? There's got to be something that doesn't require you start taking it when you get your first symptoms (yup, I should have been paying more attention several weeks ago...) - it's probably too late to break out the zinc lozenges and Oscillococcinum (I can't pronounce this but I have it on good authority it works IF you start taking at first sniffle). Hot toddies? Medically-induced coma? Twilight marathons??? Oh please let it be hot toddies and Twilight marathons...or something to do with RPatts...

    Tuesday, November 29, 2011

    Books to Add to Your Gimme-Gimme List: The Steampunk Edition

    Last month, I did a lot of research into the genre of Steampunk (which isn't necessarily what you think it is, per se***) to pull together a pretty classy costume for a masquerade wedding Snarkier Than You and I attended. At first I decided to go the steam-y route because, frankly, the costumes I saw online were pretty fucking kick ass. While I had always known that the concept of Steampunk found its start in books, I never paid much attention to it until recently, mainly because I've been obsessed with sparkly-ass vampires these past few years.

    Fine. He's not a vampire but he sure is kinda sparkly. This was in my inbox this morning (thanks, VitaminR!!)

    I'm pretty sure there is a Steampunk aficionado reading this right now and frothing at the mouth and calling me a poser while he adjusts his Victorian era goggles but whatever, I like what I like. I was never really good with labels, anyway.  

    So far, I've truly enjoyed every single novel I've read, but two really stand out.

    Leviathan - Scott Westerfeld
    Synopsis: (jacked from the site linked above)
    Prince Aleksander, would-be heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne, is on the run. His own people have turned on him. His title is worthless. All he has is a battletorn war machine and a loyal crew of men.
     Deryn Sharp is a commoner, disguised as a boy in the British Air Service. She’s a brilliant airman. But her secret is in constant danger of being discovered.
     With World War I brewing, Alek and Deryn’s paths cross in the most unexpected ways, taking them on a fantastical, around-the-world adventure that will change both their lives forever.

     Not surprisingly, this is actually a Young Adult trilogy, because I clearly I have problems reading books geared toward people my age (mainly because a lot of them seem to be about 30-something women who are successful, beautiful and can't get a man. I have no idea why my mother sends me these. I have a man). However, this book was so fantastical and so out-of-this-world that I ripped through it in only a couple of days.

    That being said, this story revolves around actual events (World War I, aka "When Shit Went Down the First Time) but is combined with a fantasy world that is so different from anything I have ever read before. It's like a history lesson (okay a veeeeeery small history lesson. Fine, not really a history lesson) that includes giant whales floating in the sky instead of zeppelins.

    Video found here (check out their review of Leviathan, which is far better than any I could have come up with)

    For those of you who have pre-teens or teens or whatever age group this is demographically targeted for, I highly recommend it for both you and your kid. It's creative, action-packed and has both a strong female and male protagonist.

    However, if you're more into parody, satire and the goddamn apocalypse, then I have the book just for you... 

    Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophesies of Agnes Nutter, Witch - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett

    Synopsis (taken from here) -
    There is a distinct hint of Armageddon in the air. According to The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch (recorded, thankfully, in 1655, before she blew up her entire village and all its inhabitants, who had gathered to watch her burn), the world will end on a Saturday. Next Saturday, in fact. So the armies of Good and Evil are amassing, the Four Bikers of the Apocalypse are revving up their mighty hogs and hitting the road, and the world's last two remaining witch-finders are getting ready to fight the good fight, armed with awkwardly antiquated instructions and stick pins. Atlantis is rising, frogs are falling, tempers are flaring. . . . Right. Everything appears to be going according to Divine Plan. 

    Except that a somewhat fussy angel and a fast-living demon -- each of whom has lived among Earth's mortals for many millennia and has grown rather fond of the lifestyle -- are not particularly looking forward to the coming Rapture. If Crowley and Aziraphale are going to stop it from happening, they've got to find and kill the Antichrist (which is a shame, as he's a really nice kid). There's just one glitch: someone seems to have misplaced him. . . . 

    This book is hysterical, there is no doubt about it. Tongue-in-cheek in some parts, droll and wry in others, the characters are endearing (maybe with the exception of War, but only because she's probably prettier than me) and bumbling at the same time.

    And what's not to like about an angel and a demon banding together to stop the apocalypse (well, mainly for selfish reasons. Especially the demon, but whatever)? Trust me, hilarity ensues.

    Let's put it this way - if you liked Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, you will love this book (and incidentally, if you haven't read HGthG, you really should).

    Leave your thoughts and recommendations in the comments!! It's really important you do this because I've recently acquired a Kindle Fire and need to load it up with oodles of stories. Spread the wealth!!

    *** Or I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, which seems reasonable.

    Monday, November 28, 2011

    Another Spoilerific Breaking Dawn Review

    I'm just going to come right out and admit it -- it took me over a week to get to the movies for my second viewing of Breaking Dawn. You can't believe what a failure I feel like right now. I'm blaming it solely on Thanksgiving and the 11 guests we had which required three days of cleaning - therefore foiling any opportunity to get to the theater earlier. *shakes fist to sky* Damn you and all your turkey and fixins goodness!

    So here goes...forgive my bulleted lists. It's for the best, trust me. I'll try to be brief, but I really don't see that happening. I have a lot to say. If you missed Jenny Jerkface's review, click here!

    The Love:
    Sonofabitch! He really pulled off the rolled khakis. (Is that yellow tape on the floor their mark?)
    • The Cullen's eyeballs. I've done nothing but complain about the too-yellow-y contacts throughout both New Moon and Eclipse. BD eyeballs = win!
    • The wedding overall. I couldn't stop smiling. The vows, the kiss (oh MAN the kiss), the speeches... *sigh*
    • Jessica stole every scene she was in - all her snarky remarks just fucking slayed me. And calling Edward "The Hair" - nearly peed my pants!
    • Charlie. That is all. I love everything he does.
    • Just about everything that happened on Isle Esme. The headboard and pillow destruction. (I saw the nip slip...whoa.) Bella trying to seduce Edward with her naughty nighties. So fucking cute I wanted to die.
    • Edward's rolled up khakis. Yum.
    • The black eyes. Something about those black eyes, especially on Edward, especially when he's suffering, make me want to furiously hump his leg.
    • The make-up job on Bella while the fetus is sucking the life from her. Just wow!
    • Absolutely LOVE the ending -- the flashbacks, the venom repairing her broken bones... and when her eyes open red -- exactly how I pictured the first part to end.
    The Meh:
    I'd be smiling from ear to ear with that waiting for me!
    • Edward as a bad guy. I'm sorry, I just can't stop chuckling at the thought of Edward as a killer. Or as someone pointed out recently -- he's the Dexter of the vampire world!
    • The pre-wedding dream. Um, no. It was like Carrie, only all white.
    • Bella's lack of smiling during the wedding. I guess I would be scared shitless too but how could you not don a huge grin with that waiting for you at the end of the aisle?
    • Stephenie Meyer's too-long cameo appearance. Maybe that's why Bella isn't smiling...she's afraid Steph is after her man.
    • I would've been ok with just hearing the vomiting -- I really don't enjoy seeing the actual puke.
    • While I loved loved loved the whole end of this movie starting with Edward tearing the demon spawn from Bella's womb, I was annoyed by his blood-smeared face -- it looked more like he had been bobbing for meatballs.
    The WTF:
    Scary fucking eyeballs. Someone hold me, please.
    • The wolves breaking up. I just can't stop snickering during that scene. The whole lot of wolves bother me in general -- except Booboo/Seth. I agree with JJ, he was so adorable.
    • Why the FUCK is Renee's mailbox on the beach? Does the mailman do his sunbathing between houses?
    • Did anyone else notice that Eleazer is the Ice Truck Killer from Dexter?
    • The Denali sister's eyeballs scared the living shit out of me.
    • Where are Jacob's jorts? And shit, those wolves must have stashes of duds everywhere.... they always emerge from the woods fully clothed.
    • I'll always and forever be pissed off that Jacob is so short in these movies. 
    • Bella's blood-stained chicklets grossed me out a little.
    I'm sure that as I continue to watch this movie, like with all the others, there will be things I missed. But it's always a good sign when you love more of it than you didn't. And I honestly didn't think it started out on high note -- I was really hoping for that scene where Bella is driving her new car and the guys at the gas station were all ogling it. Weird, I know.

    We all knew making this movie was going to be a difficult feat, but in my opinion, Condon did us proud. And fuck me ladies... how hot is Edward wearing a wedding ring... and pajamas...?

    Sunday, November 27, 2011

    Our Zombie Babies Love You for Your Brains

    Last year we did a little experiment to see what our lovechildren with RPattz would look like. You might want to click on that link and refresh your memory. Or, you might want to take an ice pick to your frontal lobe and erase those images completely. I'm a little of column A & column B. Because I am completely insane curious, I thought it would be interesting to see what our zombie babies would look like. You might remember Latchkey Wife's post on zombie Edward.

    "Grrr. Argh." That's zombie-speak for "You got a right purdy mouth."  

    Then she turned all of us into zombies. For some of us, that was an improvement. So, what would happen if two zombies managed to play Hide the Salami without body parts falling off? Nothing good, I can tell you. 

     JJZombieWard: She still looks like a serial killer, but much cuter than JJ's "normal" babies.

    LKWZombieWard: This is the EXACT same picture as one of JJ's "normal" babies.  So many jokes. So little time. 

     STYZombieWard: First off, I didn't notice the thumbnail of the picture frame said "Our Baby Girl." Somehow it still works. Lil' STYZW must be picking up one some latent Jersey Shore genes and is ready to embrace the GTL way of life.

    TKZombieWard: This is not ok. Why is my baby a plushie?! How the actual fuck do you combine two of the walking dead and get a motherfucking duck?! "These are the feathers of a killer, Bella." I should just go ahead and get him fitted for an ankle monitor right now. I assume it's a him. I don't think he'll develop his bright plumage until he's at least an adolescent plushie.

    It wouldn't be fair not to let my cat in on the action...
    ShakespeareZombieWard: This is the most normal-looking baby of all. I fucking give up.

    I don't really know how to end this without offering some kind of Groupon for counseling. Just consider the comments section a safe place to share your feelings and start the healing process.

    Friday, November 25, 2011

    A Special Thanksgiving PSA From William Shatner

     Guess who likes turkey almost as much as me???

    Happy day-after-Thanksgiving, everyone (or at least everyone in the US)! Hope you all stayed home today, shopped online if you shopped at all, and pigged out on lots of leftovers. Turkey with all the trimmings is my FAVORITE meal, and I enjoyed my dinner last night even though I couldn't really taste that well because of this *&^%#!!! cold. Doesn't matter: I know what it tastes like: deliciousness. And the next day? More nom nom nom! Honestly? My "Thanksgiving sandwich" is the best thing in the whole world - basically everything but the green beans (i.e. turkey, gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce) on toasted bread with gobs of Hellmann's mayonnaise. HEAVEN! And yes, it HAS to be Hellmann's - Miracle Whip is the work of the devil.

    I baked my bird yesterday, but if you have never experienced the joy that is a deep-fried turkey, you are seriously missing out. The first time - several years back -  when Mr. Snarky's sister told us we were having deep-fried turkey for dinner, I was dubious at best. But she is an amazing chef so I (grudgingly) trusted her. It may have been the best turkey I have ever tasted - while I expected a greasy, KFC-esque mess, there was not a trace of oil in the finished product - just succulent, juicy meat. Mmmm... I am making myself hungry again just writing this, so please enjoy Bill Shatner's special turkey-fryer safety PSA while I go and fix myself another sammie.

    Yes this is a little late, but you know how we do...

    Wednesday, November 23, 2011

    Thanks for Giving, Rob.

    So I'm sitting here in a cold-medicine-induced haze, staring at the screen, trying to figure out what in the blazes to write about that isn't going to require me to be particularly functional or coherent... I've been under the weather and quarantined in my house for the better part of the week; the last time I went further than the end of the driveway was Sunday, when I HAD to go see Breaking Dawn again with Myg and JJ. It  was Myg's first viewing, JJ's second; it seemed unconscionable to allow this to happen without my being present.

    I figure most of you are going to be spending the next few days running around like maniacs, visiting people out of town, hosting guests at your own houses, cooking and cleaning up a storm. So really, I figure the best thing I could possibly do would be to post some Robward deliciousness for you to enjoy while you lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes to collect your wits and try to maintain your sanity. Don't worry - the dog probably won't eat the entire pumpkin pie while you are in hiding, and the cat will probably only maul what's left of the turkey a little bit. Nobody will even notice the little claw and bite marks once it becomes a casserole or a sandwich or soup. 

    I tried to look for some tantalizing videos that incorporated some of the recent BD press tour/premier photos and footage, but I came up empty-handed on YouTube. So either I am bad at searching, or people are slacking off in the video department. Please - someone alert Biel that we NEED her! I mean, I know she already knows this, but I think it's time to send out the Twi-signal and start begging her for some new 100% Robert Pattinson Content.

    May I be so bold as to suggest that she include the following shots?

    He's staring right into my Robotrip...

    ...and also please some "just the tip" and "thrusting Rob"! If you haven't watched this Jimmy Kimmel episode, at least watch THIS part, which is full of sound-bite WIN.

    Tuesday, November 22, 2011

    Breaking Dawn Critique 1.0 [MAJOR Spoilers]

    So many of you these past few days have been asking when we're going to do our critique of Breaking Dawn: Before the Spawn.

    We've obviously spoiled you by posting within a relevant time frame. Duly noted.

    That being said, ask and you shall receive. This critique is part one of...who the fuck knows. I imagine we all have a lot to say about this movie. Just think of this post as a sort of drive-by critique. I can assure you that both Snarkier Than You and Latchkey Wife have a much better ability to focus on something for more than two seconds, which is usually how long I can pay attention at any given moment.

    Let's begin, shall we?

     Someone just explained to Judge Judy what imprinting was...

    Breaking Dawn: Part 1 was amazing. Everything about it was fucking perfect and I was orgasming rainbows by the time STY and I left the theater. It was the most pristine cinematic masterpiece I've ever seen. Oscar-worthy, even.

    Nah, I'm just fucking with ya. While overall I thought this was the best movie out of all of them (well, not including Twilight, which will always remain number one in my book, despite of and because of all it's campy spider-monkey hokey-ness) there were still a few things that were, shall we say, totally fucking cringe-worthy. Yet, there were golden moments, too.

    Anyway. In no particular order, rhyme or reason...


    First of all, the humans are a huge win for me in every movie. Billy Burke as Charlie melts my cold little heart every time and when he doesn't, he's making me laugh my ass off. The speech he did at the wedding had me rolling. He's a great actor and a perfect choice for Charlie.

    Speaking of laughing, Anna Kendrick as Jessica is, as usual, hysterical. She has those snotty little teenage nuances down pat - the little snide laugh, the passive aggressive quips and comments. I almost died during the beginning of the wedding scene when she asked Angela if she thought Bella would be showing with that smug little look on her face. Priceless.


    The whole wedding scene was...interesting. I liked how Bill Condon incorporated music from Twilight (I think it was Bella's lullaby or the Iron & Wine song - I forget) - that was a nice touch and it really tied all four movies together.

    I know there was a whole hullaboo about Bella's wedding dress but...I wasn't entirely impressed. Someone else said something that completely summed it up for me (and for the life of me I can't remember who but if you're reading this please let me know so I can credit you!!). They said Bella's dress was like a mullet - party in the back and business in the front. I couldn't agree more.

    Fuck the dress. Let's just stare at this guy.

    The Denali sisters freaked me the fuck out. I didn't think they were pretty (in their defense, someone gave them contacts the color of dog piss and it was really unnerving) and the acting was stiff and flat.

    THE HONEYMOON (aka "Let's NOT Really Get it On")

    We all knew this was going to be a fade-to-black sex scene. Despite that, I'm sure many of you (like myself) were hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, they would give us a little more than a breaking headboard and a couple of thrusts.

    Oh well.

     Annnd cut!! Shortest sex scene EVER.

    Actually, I thought the whole montage for the honeymoon was really cute. Bella with her human moments, Edward being an emo baby about bruising Bella and then Bella trying to seduce him in any which way she can. Well done, guy who made this movie. Well done.

    HOWEVER, the first time I watched this movie I thought I saw...something. Something that probably shouldn't have been in a PG-13 movie. It was only there for two seconds and at first I thought I was imagining it but when I saw BD the second time IT WAS STILL THERE. When Bella and Edward are making kissy-kissy in the bed, you totally catch a glimpse of KStew's nipple.

    Considering the fact that Godzilla could be lumbering down the street behind me and I wouldn't even notice, I'm very impressed with myself for seeing it.


    Speaking of KStew, her acting has improved quite a bit and it shows in BD. There is far less twitching and minimal bellowing and HOLY SHIT SHE SMILES. Like, more than once. Kristen Stewart is very, very beautiful and I was glad to see her shine a little in this movie.

    On the other hand, I feel like Robert Pattinson fell a little...flat. For a good part of the beginning half, it just seemed like there was something missing from his acting. Or maybe he was always like that but I never noticed because Bella's facial tics and mini-seizures were always so distracting. I will say he amped it up and pulled through toward the end but it was definitely a little rough in the beginning.

    Whatever. I'd still do him. 

    Leah (Julia Jones) was another actress that I really enjoyed watching. I think she really brought the character of Leah to life and did wish that she had a little more on-screen time. Another "wolf" that I thought showed a decent amount of talent was Seth (BooBoo Stewart). He was very endearing and utterly adorable (I mean that in the most non-sexual, maternal way, Chris Hansen. Call your dogs off).

    Before I forget I just wanted to say something quickly about Jasper. Really, it will only take one word - POSSIBLY. As in, you couldn't have possibly delivered that one line even more horribly than you did. I love the Rathbone, I really do. But he managed to kill that whole scene in one little word. 

    THE WOLVES (oh fuck it, you know which scene I'm about to talk about)

    The wolves were...kind of silly looking in BD. I swear they looked better in Eclipse and I'll leave this to one of my fellow writers to do a comparison because it's been three days since I actually saw the movie and my memory is starting to fade.

    But more importantly, how high was EVERYONE involved in this movie when they filmed the "wolf-pack breakup" scene??? You know, the one where Sam turns into the goddamn anti-christ and/or Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction and then Jacob rebels and sounds like fucking Moses on the Mountain or something?

     Sam and Jake have a pack meeting. And it's not to discuss what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France..

    It was mortifying to watch. I actually had to cover my eyes.


    The Twilight Saga has been plagued with atrocious costumes, hideous-to-the-point-of-offensive wigs and makeup that sometimes look like a seven year old slapped some lipstick on Edward but BD: Part 1 wasn't by far the worst offender. Yes, Jasper still looked like he had a Shih Tzu balanced on his head but at least this time someone had groomed the poor dog before strapping it on. Rosalie actually looked really fabulous and Alice was (as usual) touch and go. Sometimes she looked beautiful, other times she looked like a psychotic fairy with plastic hair.

    And Edward looked fuckable. Of course. The bouffant was kind of back, which was nice. 

    Bad, Jasper's wig! Bad! Don't wipe your ass on the carpet!!

    It was Carlisle who took the brunt of the ugly stick this time. Handsome, kind, Carlisle looked like a cross between Powder and George McFly (if you don't know who that is, just pretend). Whoever decided they should give Carlisle a limp, shaggy comb-over had clearly participated in the "wolf-pack breakup" the night before and was obviously wickedly hungover.

     Now just imagine the blond hair...

    Personally, I could forgive all this for the sole reason that they did a spectacular job making Bella look all dying and then dead and stuff. Really. I thought the makeup/effects during the pregnancy was very realistic and relatively graphic. It was so good that I hardly noticed how bad any of the other Cullens looked once Bella got knocked up.

    THE MOTHERFUCKING SPAWN IS IN THE HOUSE, YO (aka, little girls everywhere are swearing they will never get pregnant after watching this movie)

    As I said before, the makeup/effects during the pregnancy was spot-on. The actual, break-backing, womb-tearing pregnancy was off the fucking hook. I honestly wondered how they were going to do it and I genuinely thought there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that they would be able to pull it off. Yet, they did. It was brutal and rough and everyone involved performed really well and it was a great scene**.

      Dear Renesmee, you ended up with your dumbass name because you fucked mommy up when she was pregnant. Love, Bella.

    I just want to know what sound effect they used to simulate Edward ripping into Bella's womb. I had no idea that's what the sound of vampire teeth against, well, vampire embryonic sac would sound like.

    Then again, I never actually thought about it.

    Anyhoo, the spawn was birthed, Rosalie fell in love with her, Jacob fell in love with her WAY more than Rosalie did and Bella was left lying in a hospital dead, all dying and stuff. I'd go into the whole imprinting thing but... nah. I'll leave that for the others.

    The end. Well, until next year, when we get to watch two hours of a non-fight with the Volturi.

    Please let us know what YOU thought. And stay tuned for more critiques galore!!

    ** I reserve the right to completely change my mind about this scene when STY and I go to the movies again this weekend. Actually, that goes for the whole movie...

    Monday, November 21, 2011

    The Twilight Belt: More Sparkly Than Orion's Belt

    Happy Monday, hookers. It's taking all of my willpower not to just post a giant 'FUUUUUUUCKKKK YOUUUUUUU!!!!" in two hundred point font today. Present company excluded, natch. I like you guys. It's everyone else I hate. I can't shake my case of the Mondays, no matter how hard I've tried. I think I'm the only person in America who doesn't work retail or in a hospital who has to work on Friday. I wouldn't be as bitter if I hadn't spent my entire day jumping through hoops for other people who JUST NOW sent me things I've been requesting for weeks (and months, in some cases) and need them processed RTFN because their office is closed most of this week. I am not amused.

    This should really be above my desk.

    But I digress. I came across an interesting graphic the other day that I thought I would share with you. Sadly, I probably wouldn't have even noticed the article if the graphic wasn't included. I embrace my OMG IS THAT SOMETHING SHINY? LET'S GO SEE!!! behavior. (Incidentally, if you read the article, I am not the TK who commented on it. I don't know who this person is, but I have those initials trademarked. Again, I am not amused.)

    I don't understand why so many people in Utah read the book and hated it. Do you not talk to each other? Did you recommend it to each other as a joke? What's going on here? 

    I'm a little surprised that only twelve times more women than men read Twilight. I would think the spread would be a lot wider. I find it hilarious that the north and south are still divided on major issues (like Twilight). Flavorwire commented that the map looks a lot like the map from the last election. Why are my tax dollars not going to investigate this? 

    My main questions is — Really, Washington? Why you gotta be haters? Do Twihards and Twitards not spend enough money in your fair state? If I remember correctly, your state is a haven for bestiality lovers, so maybe we could overlook some sloppy prose, m'kay?

    I'm curious how many of our readers are in the pink and red states. I know a lot of our blog readers are up north (not to mention MOST of the blog writers). How are you not skewing the results?

    Sunday, November 20, 2011

    Holy Balls! Breaking Dawn... Was... Awesome! [Spoiler Free]

    I'm fairly certain that I am the only member of Twitarded who actually liked Breaking Dawn (the book). Well, at least the first time I read it. It started to annoy me the more I read it, but for the most part, I never hated this book. But I always had this feeling deep down in my guts that there was no way they could pull off this movie.

    Ahem! I think I would have loved it even more if it had this added feature!

    I was wrong.

    Kudos to you Bill Condon for flipping the bird to all those Twilight directors that have come before you and nailing this movie like Edward nailed Bella. For the most part, anyway. There was this one part that made me want to crawl up my own ass... it was that bad. But at least now I know when to leave the theater to go pee or take a dump (it's a long enough scene so I would definitely have adequate dumpage time if needed).

    I'm just not that bendy.

    It was one of those scenes in a movie that is so horrifically bad that you don't even know what was said because you're too busy inappropriately snickering, that you pay no attention to the dialog. Yup, that was me on Friday night. If you've seen the movie, you know the horror that I speak of. Jenny Jerkface mentioned it in her post the other night and I knew exactly what she was talking about when it came on screen.

    Other than this one particular scene, I pretty much loved the rest of it. The wedding and honeymoon couldn't have been any sweeter. [Well, unless they had made it rated R...] I heard in an interview with the cast on Ellen that they had to edit Edward's butt crack out of the movie. This makes me sad -- hopefully it will be some sort of special feature on the DVD. Despite the lack of crack, I found myself with a perma-grin on my face for about the first hour of this movie. My cheeks hurt when I got home, I was smiling so much!

    I see nothing rated R about this crack... I kinda want to drop a quarter in it.

    We'll get more into details in a few days after you've all had a chance to see it a gazillion times. Shit, even I need to see it a few more times so I can take some notes. My head was spinning when I got home from my inaugural viewing. The butterflies in my stomach still flutter just a bit whenever I think about certain parts. So stay tuned this week... I'm sure we'll dive into more specifics on what we liked, didn't like, loved, hated, etc.

    How many times did you see Breaking Dawn this weekend?

    Friday, November 18, 2011

    Breaking Dawn: Part 1. And The Earth Actually Stops Spinning on its Axis Briefly

    NOTE - THIS IS SPOILER FREE. We're going to do our in-depth analysis of this movie in about a week or so, to give you lovely twatwaffles a chance to actually see it before we take a gigantic dump on someone's terrible looking wig (which would actually be an improvement but see? I didn't tell you who it was.). 

    Like most of you, last night Snarkier Than You and I donned some Twi-gear and headed out to the theater (in our case, one in New York City) to watch the premiere of Breaking Dawn: Before the Spawn. We took the subway to the World Trade Center stop, emerged into the briskly cold and windy New York City streets and promptly got lost. Seriously, we must have walked around the Freedom Tower fifty times before we finally saw two other Twihard-looking girls and followed them to the theater, which was located smack in the middle of a construction zone.

     Look kids! Big Ben Freedom Tower...

    We got some corndog bites (actually, I got the last ones and STY glared at me like I just told her I was pregnant and naming my kid Renesmess) and made our way into the theater. We patiently sat through some raffles (we didn't win, natch) and then nine million fucking previews (some were good, one in particular, SQUEEEEEE!!!) and then the lights dimmed, the crowd started screaming and Breaking Dawn began.

     I don't think he liked the corndogs...

    I love lots of things about this fandom but watching BD in a theater packed with Twi-hards is a blast. The oohing and aaahing when Edward shows up onscreen (or Jacob takes off his shirt), the catcalling and laughing-- it really makes for a great time. I figured that I would still have a good time, even if the movie sucked. 

     Awwww, how... wholesome? Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

    So, here's the thing-- I know we've said over and over and over again how awful Breaking Dawn is going to be. We said it's going to be an abomination, that our brain cells will implode in group protest against the film.

    The bottom line is we were positive that this movie was going to suck the most epic monkey-balls in the entire universe.

    We were wrong. Well, mostly.

    Breaking Dawn was actually... really good. I never once thought I would utter that phrase with a straight face or not tinged with sarcasm. Satan is officially throwing snowballs in hell (which is good because I'm not a fan of hot weather).

    That pretty much sums it up for me. And  a lot of you, as well. 

    Don't get me wrong, there were definitely some parts that were facepalm-worthy and one or two that were so awkwardly awful that if I could have, I would have crawled under my seat in full-on secondhand embarrassment.

    But mostly it was pretty good. I really want to expand on that but I'm trying to my hardest not to give away any spoilers so I'm going to just leave it at this:

    I, Jenny Jerkface, who has done nothing but mock and rag on Breaking Dawn for the entire 2+ years I have been writing this blog, think that Breaking Dawn: Before the Spawn was actually a fucking good movie**.

    Wow. That was harder than I thought it would be.

    I'm assuming the majority of you will probably be sitting in the theaters tonight, wriggling in your seats with anticipation (or maybe because your flask is uncomfortably jutting into your hip). Have fun! Be safe!

    **But I still hate the book {{ducks as hundreds of Twitards throw their hardcover BD books at me}}

    Thursday, November 17, 2011

    Twitarded Can't Come to the Blog Right Now!

    It's tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!

    In honor of Breaking Dawn Part 1, Twitarded is taking the night off. And by this I mean that Jenny Jerkface, Snarkier Than You and Myg are headed into NYC to see the movie (so jealous). TexasKatherine is busy growing a human, and your truly is currently wracked with grief over the fact that I have to wait until tomorrow night to see it. I really could barely type out this post through the teary haze.

    We'll be back soon to give our thoughts on Breaking Dawn... stay tuned! And we can't wait to hear your thoughts as well!


    Wednesday, November 16, 2011

    TwiKiwi's SPOILER-FREE Review of Breaking Dawn Part 1

    Please welcome our very own TwiKiwi for a completely SPOILER FREE review of Breaking Dawn. And who said Twitarded always up on current events? We're in the future today, twat waffles!


    I am writing this at 3am, just home from the midnight screening of Breaking Dawn: Before the Spawn here in Auckland, New Zealand. OMG OMG OMG - so much to tell you. I am bouncing off the walls right now... oh, and it’s 3am.

    SparklyJul, Kiwi-Ed and I ready to go!

    Now, I know you're not all spoiler h00rs so here's how this is gonna go down. This review post is SPOILER-FREE... but for the good stuff, I have written another post over at my blog which is balls-to-the-wall spoilerific. So, read this, then get yourselves over there if you can handle it, m’kay?

    Firstly: I. LOVED. THIS. MOVIE. It is by far and away the best one yet in my opinion. Bill Condon deserves worship. Brilliant.

    It is just the right length, it splits at a GREAT moment, I just.... I just LOVED it. Start to finish.

    This movie is quite graphic. I actually wonder if PG13 was appropriate. Bill C has certainly used his imagination – and it really works. BD1 is VERY different from the tone of the other movies, but also compliments them really well. There are a few flashbacks and inclusive moments of ‘the journey so far’ which works really well, and Carter Burwell doing the score is fabulous as it really ties things back to the original film we all know and love.

    The soundtrack is also amazing. My friend said “It’s almost like the songs were written for the movie”, they just fit in really well. And as much as I was sceptical about Bruno Mars.... it works.

    Here’s a tip: STAY TILL THE END. If you’re one of those people who leave as soon as the credits roll, don’t. Trust me.

    Shit.... that’s enough. I’m in real danger of overstepping the SPOILER FREE nature of this post and don’t want to end up in LKW’s freezer just yet. I could go on and on... and I will some more over at TwiKiwi so please head on over if you’re up for it!

    So yeah. I loved it and will be back in the cinema as soon as possible for round two. It was one of those movies when you don’t notice time passing, and all of a sudden it’s been two hours. In my opinion, that’s a sign of a talented film maker who can keep the story rolling well.

    I hope those of you who have seen the film feel free to express your opinions too. I’ll be fascinated to see who agrees or disagrees. [Note from LKW: Keep the comments spoiler free if you like living life outside a freezer!]

    OME I nearly forgot – DaddyWard – HOT. BLISTERING HOT. Take your Shamwows.

    Is it November 2012 yet?

    Tuesday, November 15, 2011

    What's All the Fuss, Twiland?? Oh Yeah, BREAKING DAWN PART ONE, MOTHERTRUCKERS (Spoiler Free)

    Last night, I basically wandered around my house, absently touching my laptop, a vacant look to my eyes and a glass of wine in my hand.

    I just had this niggling feeling in the back of my head that I was forgetting something major, like my birthday or--


     See? I wasn't wrong! It says 11/18/11. THEY fucked up...

    Clearly, I fell into a wormhole last night. Or was captured by aliens or something because I. Can't. Believe. I. Totally. Forgot.

    I win at failing. Obviously. In my defense, I'm an insanely selfish, self-centered twat-knuckle and more than likely just assumed that the first premiere of Breaking Dawn would be the one I'm going to in about 48 hours because I'm that important. I believe this is called Delusions of Grandeur or something.

    Or I was insanely jealous of all our wonderful peeps who braved tent city for five freaking days AND got their pictures taken with the precious AND got to see the fucking movie last night.

    I can't decide if this is utter devotion or pure insanity. All I know is that I kind of wish I had been there, so I'm going for a little bit of both. 

    Anyway. Breaking Dawn premiered last night and apparently everyone was all gorgeous and glittery and smile-y (especially Taylor Lautner with his blindingly white teeth) and I'm sure everyone had a great time and I totally bet KStew only wore her heels for 32 seconds before she said "fuck it" and put on sneakers.

     I was going to make a crack about his teeth but then I noticed he was trying to grow a big-boy mustache. How precious.

    Speaking of the Precious:

    Dear god is she a lucky woman. (Go here for TONS more pics)

    Pure beauty. Unrivaled perfection. Just... gorgeous. Oh, and KStew looks beautiful in her fancypants dress too.

    Dayum. That slit is scandalous. The one in the dress, I mean. Not...never mind...

     I was right!!! FINALLY!!!

    My kind of gal.

    I've never been to a "real" premiere but I did watch a few videos and think I would be totally overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of something like this. All the flashy-flash of the photographers (none would be directed at me, of course), the security and stern looking security/bodyguards (I suspect those glares would be directed at me) and all that hoopla has to be insane. 

    Let's not forget the screaming, either. If you've ever been in a room full of women screaming, you'll know it's virtually impossible to forget.

    There are a ton of pictures and videos (go to Thinking of Rob for videos, there are a shit-ton of them) floating around the interwebs today and I have to say that in every single one I've seen thus far, RPattz and The Stew look like they're actually enjoying themselves, which is nice. They seemed to be signing a million autographs and being super friendly with the fans.

    More importantly, we want to here from YOU. We know there were quite a few of you ladies at the premiere, camping out, etc. and we would love to hear your stories. Please feel free to leave your Rob-sighting experiences in the comments, or link to your own blogs. Or come do a guest post for us!

    One thing - please DON'T give away any spoilers. I think we here at Twitarded have more or less decided we're going virgin for the next few days until we see the movies ourselves and I imagine a lot of our readers will be doing the same. Oh, and since we've already mentioned guest bloggers, stay in tune in tomorrow for TwiKiwi's spoiler-free review!!