Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Alternate Spider Monkey Lines

[Jenny Jerkface here - Texas Katherine is still on a little bit of a hiatus, what with being busy raising future generations of wise-asses and all. However, because she endeavors to make the rest of us here at Twitarded look like procrastinating shitheads, she did leave us a few posts to put up in her absence. Thanks TK!]

I always wonder about movie clips that hit the cutting room floor. Were they better or worse than what we saw on the big screen? Why do some scenes make it in & some don't? Why do my roots grow out really fast, but my hair never seems to get longer? These are all questions I need to know the answer to. 

The first time I saw Twilight, I was totally in the moment when we were in Edward's bedroom. (Notice how I inserted myself into that situation.) Then, he flew out the window like Peter Pan and said "You better hold on tight, spider monkey." What just happened here? Catherine Hardwicke apparently gave Rob several options for that line and the spider monkey one is the line he picked. WHAT WERE THE OTHERS? What on earth could have been worse than that?

Here are several alternative lines off the top of my head:

  • Dude. This isn't where I parked my car.
  • Bella, there's a locust in your hair.
  • Want to see my spider monkey?
  • Sweet. You can see Waylon's body from up here.
  • I smell bacon.
  • Did I leave the iron on? 
  • Wanna go half-sies on a deer later? 
  • Hold onto my ample chest hair. 
  • So, do you come here often?
  • Tree climbing would be such a turn on if we were like ten or something.
  • Last time I was here an eagle shit on my head.
  • The spot right below us is where we're going to get married before I inject you with my demon baby batter.
  • Your hands smell like ketchup.
Those are my options; now I'd like to hear your theories.


  1. Damn, she's funny. I hope she gets over her demon spawn faster than I got over mine. They're 10 and 11 and I'm finally feeling more like myself. I don't want to wait 10 years before she decides she's okay to post again.

  2. Hang on Weeble wobble....don't fall down!!!

    Ugh...i lost brain cells just writing that ... almost as many as when I heard 'spider monkey' line

  3. There have been stories about what happened here - they are not as funny as TK but really, what is???

  4. @Fanfic Zombie - LOL!!

    How about "The dingo ate my baby"

    That's all I've got for now. I need more coffee.

  5. I watch too much Breaking Bad and The Tudors.

    Mi'Lady Bella as you mock me, so we shall climb trees lika boss,yo.....BEOTCH!

  6. @Nifer LOL! Yes. That's the one!

    I got nothing, but I'm loving what's already been thrown up (I mean suggested)!

  7. The spider monkey line was ridiculous. I think perhaps the words "hang on" would have been sufficient. I am still pissed that they changed so many things in the movie from they way they were written.

  8. OMG, I feel the same way about my hair! I feel like my roots grow out a week after I get my hair done. DAMN!!


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