Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I Resolve to not Make Resolutions

This is probably the type of thing we should discuss prior to New Year's Day, but Twitarded is nothing if not late to everything. I hate New Year's Resolutions. There's no logical reason why a decision made on January 1st should hold any more weight than a decision made on October 12th. Besides, I'm pretty damn close to perfect, so making improvements would just be moot.

Nonetheless, people always ask what my resolutions are. Because my bitch switch is always on, I usually reply, "To be better than you. Oh look, I'm already done."

 I'm still charmingly sassy, though. No, really.

In the unlikely event that I feel like being a better person (NOT that I'm making a resolution to do so), I have created a list of bogus resolutions to share with nosey sons of bitches innocently curious folks. In no particular order... [insert drum roll]

  1. Not gag when I clean out the shower drain
  2. Win a Grammy
  3. Star in a telenovela (dibs on the bee suit)
  4. Start smoking & then give it up
  5. Eat less candy
  6. Be less awesome
  7. Learn to play either the harmonica or the spoons (I am thisclose to being my own one woman band.)
  8. Stop being personally offended when other people wear Crocs
  9. Part my hair on the right
  10. Stop procrastinating
I'm really curious to know how many people make New Year's Resolutions and if they actually keep them. I know I avoid the gym the entire month of January because it's so crowded with newbies who plan to lose thirty pounds by January 3rd. You always know who those poor schlubs are. They're the ones who still have the price tags hanging off their workout clothes and are wheezing on the treadmill because they've turned it up to Usain Bolt speed. (That's the world's fastest man; I Googled that shit.) Pace yourselves, people.[JJ's note - STOP TALKING ABOUT ME, ASSHAT]

Do any of you make resolutions? Have you ever kept them? If so, what were they? Did any of them involve a harmonica?


  1. If I could just find the list I made last year, I could save myself a lot of trouble... How efficient is that???

  2. I saw the best Ecard thingy today:

    My 2012 resolution is to stop lying to myself about making life style changes...No one likes a skinny-friendly-sober-bitch anyway.

    I don't think I've ever made a resolution.

  3. I decided yesterday that I should have some type of resolution just for old times sake. So since I'm late for work every day, this would be my goal. Be on time for work. Today was the first day back and I was determined to meet my goal at least this once. I failed. :( But I always get to parties on time! :)

  4. @Nifer--That is perfection.

    @I'm Addicted--Our priorities are in the same order.

  5. Wait, does this mean you're back? Well, I use that word loosely as I think I lost at least 5 years after I had my kids.

    I have to say I agree with every word you wrote. I hate new years resolutions.

  6. My 2011 goal was one I achieved: A year of happiness! And what a year it was. My absolute highlight was my five weeks in North America.

    You know what? A great way to achieve a resolution is to make an intangible goal, it helps not to feel crushed at 'not achieving'...

    This year, I am continuing on a goal I set (note it's not a resolution) in October 2011, which is to reach my goal weight before my cousin's wedding in January 2013.

    After two and a half months I am down 12.5kg (22lb for the ol' schoolers) and I am really enjoying feeling healthier and better about myself.

    The world better watch out when I hit Hawaii in my fuckhawt bikini. JSYK...

  7. I thought about making a resolution but I'm realistic in the sense that I'm a hopless failure.

  8. LOL as always.

    Re: your gym comment. I've been a member of the Ymca since forever. Every January our classes are stuffed with wannabees. Usually, most have vanished, or died by Valentine's Day. Good. I hate relinquishing my longtime aerobics spot to some Suzy-wears-legwarmers. Puhlease.

  9. @TwiKwii50 - 22lbs?! WOWZA hot mama, contrats!

    I never make resolutions, but I would like to start eating more fruits & veggies. We'll see.

    xo J

  10. mine is to finish writing the sequel to 'Pulled.' OR eat a vegetable. One of the two.

  11. I'm in favor of Garfield's resolution which is to "not mess with perfection".

  12. I'll play..

    I resolve to fuck Rob in 2012.

    Might as well reach for the stars!

  13. Your first faux resolution is an impossibility for me. There is no way I can not gag when I clean out the shower drain, which is why I make ML do it.

    I don't make resolutions, exactly. I just decide that I'm going to stop stuffing holiday cookies and candies into my blowhole in January. You know, when the holidays are over.

  14. No harmonicas, but I did make two resolutions: 1) finish one of the two nearly-completed stories I've written and query the hell out of it, and 2) be myself without worrying about what other people think. I don't make resolutions like losing weight or not eating junk, because I'd immediately break them and then hate myself for a year. Lent is only 40 days... I have a much better chance of making it 40 days without French fries than 365.

  15. @TwiredJen - thanks lovely! I am well on my way to my goal. I'll keep you updated xx

  16. I usually do resolve to not make resolutions but this year I chose to not allow my sister-in-law to make me feel irritated anymore.

    I love this line: "To be better than you. Oh look, I'm already done."

    And really TK "Be less awesome."?? That is not even possible!! Mwah

  17. In 2011, I gave up Diet Pepsi. I went 365 fucking days without ONE Diet Pepsi... needless to say, I've been on a bender for the past week.

    This year it's potato chips. I might die.


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