Sunday, January 29, 2012

My Love/Hate Affair With Shapewear

Spanx, body shapers, sausage casings, whatever you call them, I'm sure at some point in all our lives we've worn them. The things we do for fashion, am I right?


Because I'm anti-pants, I end up wearing shapewear on an almost daily basis. Sometimes I love them but for the most part... they just kind of suck.

First of all, the ads and commercials for these things are just full of shit. They always show a before and after picture of some rotund lady who suddenly becomes uber svelte and super thin just by stuffing herself into one of these girdles. Bull fucking shit.  Body shapers make me look thinner by .00000000023 pounds.

"And now I'm a size negative 2!" You're a goddamn liar, that's what you are.

Besides smoothing out the various lumps and bumps that go along with having a normal-sized body, body shapers are pretty awesome at providing a little extra insulation during the winter, which keeps me warm while I'm waiting for trains that never run on time. The downside to this is that I sweat profusely while sitting at the office and end up feeling like I've got a kiddie pool in my underwear.

Unless you're wearing these. The assless version provide a little "air-conditioning" effect.

Another benefit of wearing these things is the extra workout you get each and every time you have to go to bathroom. Ever been in a bathroom and the woman in the stall next to you sounds like she's wrestling an enraged alligator? That poor bitch is just trying to pull her extra-thinning girdle back into place. Seriously, I've broken a sweat trying pull one of those things back up.

In case you've never worn a body-shaping slip, let me give you a word of advice - don't try to put it on over your head or you're going to end up with the entire slip stuck around your tits in a bunch, effectively cutting off your circulation. And good luck trying to get it off without choking yourself. Step into the slip and go from there, trust me.

 It looks innocent until all 32 inches of it are wrapped around your neck.

My usual body-shaper are the gigantic undies that you hike up to your boobs, the idea being that it's going to slim your torso down. In theory, this is great. In actuality, the moment you sit down or take a deep breath, that thing is going to roll down to your vagina and then you're going to have to go to the bathroom for an alligator-wrestling session. Unless you're in the middle of a meeting, which is what usually happens to me. Then I end up sitting there while the boa constrictor the fabric has formed around my waist slowly squeezes me to death and only ends up making me feel chubbier.

It's exactly like this but without the penis

And yet, I still wear them. To be totally honest, as uncomfortable as they can be, I actually feel a little weird without being encased in micro-squeezing cloth. Plus, when I'm in the throes of wrestling my girdle back into place in the office bathroom, I like to mutter things like, "take that, you naughty bitch. Who's your mommy now, huh?" and moan loudly.

It really freaks the other ladies out.

24 comments:

  1. LMAO!

    The last time I wore shape-wear was a wedding a few months go, a nice built in bra-fastens at the crotch-bodysuit. After a few(dozen) trips to the open bar it was time to cruise the ladies. After many attempts I managed to unhook my lycra prison and relieve myself. I got into trouble trying to fasten the three crotch hooks, I bashed my head into the toilet paper holder. I managed to come out of the stall hooks fastened like a gahdamn champ! High on victory I asked all the smug faced bitches standing around the bathroom why they didn't help a girl out!

    This is why I spend the majority of the year in yoga pants or scrubs.

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  2. I give thanks daily that I can wear jeans to work if I want to. I own various articles of shapewear, but never actually wear them! Maybe if I was going somewhere for a short time . . . and I was confident I wouldn't have to sit down . . . or pee while I was there . . . no. Not even then!

    Good on ya' JJ. You're a better woman than I !

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  3. I've tried on a few of these things but I think they made me look way worse than I did before putting them on. Plus I couldn't breathe. No gracias!

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  4. I swear you have just written about me!

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  5. Oh, JJ, how I wish we worked in the same building! Listening to someone wrestle an alligator in the stall next to me would def make life more, um, interesting? You are a riot!! I've never worn shapewear, although I should, and clearly, I would break an arm trying! Thanks for the heads up! We can now avoid that embarassing moment at the ER!

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  6. They suck big time.
    But thank you for this, I reeaally needed a laugh :)

    JB

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  7. Aaannd there went my coffee all over the laptop. No way in hell could I wear shapewear on a regular basis; I'll just let the pudge fly free.

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  8. Last time I wore shape wear was at a wedding with an open bar, I just had a baby 8 months prior so mix that with jumping to the YMCA and you have a recipe for pissing your shapewear, which I preceded to remove under my table during a slow dance. Real life.

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    1. I damn near pissed myself reading this comment, lol!! Please dish on the details of how you discreetly(?) removed your body-shaper under a table because I think you just became my fucking hero.

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  9. I'm not sure if I sound like I am wresting alligators or something worse, but I have definitely been there. When I was wearing my REALLY high heels, I almost fell over trying to re-adjust the slip I had on... But it's better than the kind with the pull-apart crotch - is there ANY way ANYONE (without a penis) could pee through that without making a terrible mess??? I haven't tried - looks too scary!

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  10. LMFAO!!!!! try putting on spanx in a hotel room in vegas at the begining of september and its 101 degrees out, where you forgot to turn the air on before you left for the day, only to come back to an oven of a room, late and have to get ready for dinner and a show,after 20 minutes of trying to put said things on (hair and makeup were done) dear hubby comes out of bathroom wonder what all the cursing was bout then looks at me and ask why i am not dressed yet, not mentioning the fast that i look like i just had sex for the last 20 minutes!!!!!!!! needless to say had i been able to open a window he would have been chucked out of it!!!!! he now stays far away from me when i am attempting to put the evil things on!!!!! i bow down to you jj that you do that on a daily basis!!!!!

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  11. You forgot to mention that all it really does is displace the flab! I wear em and I look like I have 4 ass cheeks and 4 tits. Thanks so much for the laugh!!!

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  12. I just had this same conversation with a friend a few days ago where I suggested that the only way to re-snap the bra-hook-crotch kind was to hike a leg up on the toilet paper roll to get a good angle. And why are the models always skini-mini girls that don't need them anyway???

    Please someone help me out here cause I'm not very girly. Why are there spanx with missing butt cheeks? Is that supposed to be a sex thing? Like ass-less chaps or Prince's yellow jumpsuit?

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    1. I shy away from the ones that have the crotch-snaps. I can just imagine one of those snapping open and being very, very painful. Plus, I'm not a contortionist - no clue how to snap those fuckers back on if I can't see 'em, lol.

      It makes me nuts that all the models for these things are size zeros.

      I think the ass-less ones are supposed to give your ass a lift? Something like that?

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  13. I have to wear compression hose at work all day or my legs swell up and I get cankles. They are the spawn of the devil. I have to wear special gloves to put them on so I don't accidentally put a nail thru the things. It's a workout to get these things on, I don't know how old ladies do it. They take away any shape my legs have and turn them into sausages. Nothing feels better than taking those suckers off at the end of the day, by doing an extremely unsexy march, alternating stepping on the hose with one foot and yanking the other leg out little by little. totally blows.

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  14. For my brother's wedding I actually took one of the cheap half-slip shapewear thingies from fashion bug and Macgyvered my own grippy silicone strips to the bottom of it with lines of silicone caulk, so it wouldn't roll up when I walked, and then I tucked the top part into my heavy-duty-magically-supports-DDs-strapless bra so it couldn't roll down. I knew there was no way in hell I could manage shimmying in and out of one with a crotch while simultaneously holding my ridiculous ballgown out of peeing range and keeping it from falling in the potty. It worked pretty darn well, and while it didn't make me look like a size zero it helped with the bumps that satin seems to somehow magnify.

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  15. I'm wearing Spanx right now, as a matter of fact. They are a postpartum woman's friend. I love them! Yes, they're uncomfortable, but that's a small price to pay for instantly losing five pounds. When I finally wear out this pair, I'll be getting another. No way to pee through the flap, though, so I just hold it until I'm about to burst and then do the alligator-wrastlin' wiggle.

    Now, if there were a shaper that shifted the surplus belly into the boobs, I would definitely invest in several of those.

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  16. Friggin hilarious! I have had an eternal losing battle with these blasted contraptions. My favorite it a simple tank bodysuit that controls muffin top & cable-guy crack when I sit. But the crotch snaps are not an option if drinking is on the schedule. The boob-high shorts would be a fine substitute, if it weren't for the reverse muffin THIGH I get where the flab splays out at the bottom!
    Your description of the roll-down boa constrictor cracks me up. All too familiar. And if I use the form fitting tanks to tuck into low-rise pants to hide my whale tail, guaranteed that fucker will be rollin-on-up to my boobs first time I sit down.
    I bought some non-spanx tights things by Spanx for Target, and they were great! Same fabric as opaque tights, but really strong-hold, without the spanx strangulation effect. They passed the test of me wearing them shit-faced in Vegas with multiple careless trips to pee. I'll be picking up the boob-shorts version next time I visit the bullseye.

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  17. I am too told to care if I am bumpy and grumpy. No shapeware for me. Round is a shape and it works for me. Good luck JJ and be careful please.

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  18. Thank you for blogging. . .
    We learned tips for how to write on people's blogs, like a compliment.
    We also learned that if you know something about the topic, you can put it on there if nobody else has written it. We liked the suggestion to only use one punctuation instead of a bunch if you liked it Vimax.

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  19. Lmao. I laughed for real.

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  20. Unlike any other slimming method which requires much of your time and energy, shapewear gives you the instant noticeable results you desire. If you want to learn more about shapewear for women, this is my site: http://simplyshapewear.co.uk/

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  21. Question for shapewear experts. Do these things help to actually change the shape of your body over time (as in actually make your waist smaller) or do they merely give the appearance of the shape?

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