Wednesday, January 4, 2012

My Vagina is Not a Bakery

So, for the past three weeks or so I had been suffering from a rather tenacious cold. I won't go into the details but involved an amazing amount of snot, the chafing of my nose and face from excessive blowing to the point where it looked like I had leprosy, and coughing loudly and often.

This is brilliant and I wished I had it when I had the plague...

When I first got the sniffles, I did what I always do when confronted with something unpleasant - I ignored it. Sometimes this works and whatever is afflicting me goes away. Not this time. Finally, it was decided that I had to go see a doctor, mainly because ML was tired of having to check to see if I was still breathing every hour.

I'm terrible with doctors. I never go unless I'm in extreme pain or think I might actually die. Because of this, I am usually calling every doctor in a ten mile radius for a last minute appointment. Hint - wheezing on the phone usually gets you an appointment. However, this is unfortunate for the doctor who has to examine me because when I'm sick, I'm a really, really terrible person.

Anyway, I got an appointment last Tuesday and went down and filled out the paperwork, got weighed in (assholes), my blood pressure/temperature, etc. taken and then met the doctor.

Right off the bat, I was put off. First of all, he was a dude. In the throes of the plague of the century, I forgot to ask for a woman. Not only did my Dr. Dude look to be about twenty-five, he looked like the poster child for every stereotype applied to a guy who spends his days playing World of Warcraft - shaggy, disheveled and pretty pasty.

 Okay, Dr. Dude was a little older than this guy...

The exam was a typical exam and at the end of the day I was diagnosed with a sinus infection. Dr. Dude told me he would prescribe some antibiotics and the conversation went something like this:

Dr. Dude - I'm going to give you a 10-day prescription for Amoxicillin
Me - Um, no. Can't you give me the Z-Pack? You know, the 3-day one? All the other random doctors do.
Dr. Dude - I don't think a 3-day round of antibiotics is going to knock that infection out of your system (pretends to swing a bat. I mentally pretend to strangle him).
Me - Fine. How about the 5-day one?
Dr. Dude - Can I ask why you don't want the 10-day antibiotics?
[This question alone made me want to walk out. True fact - there is such a thing as a stupid question. I mean, who the fuck wants to take a bunch of big-ass pills for 10 days?]
Me - Because I don't.
Dr. Dude - Why?
Me - (sighing heavily) Because the 10-day antibiotics give me explosive diarrhea and a raging yeast infection, okay?

In the end, I haggled him down to a 7-day dose of Amoxicillin and a prescription of Diflucan for the impending temporary destruction of my vagina. Dr. Dude disappeared to call in my prescription and when he came back, this actually happened:

He points in the general direction of my vagina and asks, "do you know what the first signs of a yeast infection are? The itching and discharge--"

If I wasn't in the middle of hacking up half my lung I would have had a witty retort or perhaps even a drop kick to his head. Instead, all I could do was glare at him.

 It was just like this.

This is exactly why I prefer a female doctor. First of all, obviously I know what the symptoms of a yeast infection are, fucknut. That's why I wanted the 5-day RX of antibiotics. No man can ever understand just how awful a yeast infection is. They think "itching and discomfort" and I think "holy fucking shit there are fire ants crawling around my labia and OH-MAH-GAHD, WHAT IS THAT GUNK COMING FROM MY SPECIAL PLACE???"

 Her doctor didn't prescribe Diflucan...

Add to that the havoc that antiobiotics wreak on my intestines and, well, let's just say it ain't pretty. At all.

Slightly mollified by the fact that he threw in the Diflucan, I left and headed to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, eager just to get this shit over with. I didn't bother checking it until I got home.

That's when I discovered Dr. Dude had given me the 10-day prescription anyway. Shrieking and cursing ensued.

Payback will be swift and merciless. Just as soon as I feel better.


  1. I really do understand, completely. I have pneumonia and was put on the Z-Pac thingy. It didnt work. Im a month into this damn thing and I still sound like a TB ward. The doctor told me to take Mucinex to clear up my chest, and I swear my pee smells like cookies! Its disturbing as hell!

  2. Ugh. So Sorry Honey. I don't even have words of encouragement. :(

    Do Kombucha tea or yogurt (if dairy doesn't affect the med) for your intestines.

    Are you calling him back?

  3. This wont make you feel any better and Dr. Dude is a dick, but I've been writing rx's for the Z-pak for the last 2 months for a similar mung here and 85% or so have been back with no improvement.

    A good excuse to have a fro-yo for breakfast?

  4. 1) Yogurt, and shit tons of it.

    2) Hate yogurt? Get some probiotic pills. Take them almost like candy.

    3) So sorry you feel shittacular. Hope you feel better soon.

  5. My gyn has decided I take too many pills already, so she has cut me off on the Diflucan. She gives me some obscure tube of cream and an applicator. "Use this for two weeks and if it isn't gone, you can have a refill."

    "Gee, thanks. You know how much I HATE this stuff." This pissed me off so bad!

    Thankfully my GP was understanding and gave me the Diflucan script. I haven't had to use it, but it sure is good to know I have it.

    Now I'll probably never be sick & need antibiotics again! That's how these things work. It's like carrying an umbrella prevents rain.

    Sorry for your troubles. We can all look forward to better times. Like when we get to see Rob's BUTT-SKIN in Bel Ami! DED.

  6. bwahahaha, I needed that laugh, but I'm sorry it had to be at the expense of your crotchal regions. I love you JJ. That is all.


  7. I haven't even read this post YET, but I must say the title wins for BEST TWITARDED POST TITLE EVER. The end.

  8. LMFAO! Oh poooor JJ, sorry to hear you're sickly, but that was elfin hilarious. I haven't had a yeast infection since i was 10....from wearing a wet bathing suit to bed because I refused to take it off :)

    Though I did have a massive allergic reaction to Macrobid, which is like scurrrred of antibiotics.

    xo J

  9. My dearest JJ, I'm sorry to hear that you are sicky and I'm even more sorry to hear about your impending itchy twat disease. But, I do have to say this is the hardest I've laughed in a while. Please tell me that is actually a picture of you as a small not-so-inocent child??? Also, the picture of the dog killed me. Good luck with everything and feel better soon :)

    vw: ephon - Why are those ephon antibiotics so ephon huge??

  10. I hate yeast infections. I went through months of repeated ones years ago and I still cross my legs and squeeze at the memory. I tried to avoid using the spaceship sized pessaries my GP gave and tried the alternative method of a garlic clove that I found in a book...... Lets just say it had no effect except to lead to a very uncomfortable day in work!! I was working in a mobile library at the time. Hopefully you won't get one this time and I could be wrong but you don't have to finish the 10 days do you - you could stop after 7?
    wv - ankermi? i like it!

  11. Ugh the dreaded Z pack *shudders*. Back in the day, I took myself off of that when I had strep throat because it was destroying my intestines. I decided that 4 more days of the painful-searing-fire-throat would be better than the feeling of my insides ripping apart. Sorry your Dr. experience sucked donkey balls. Hope you feel better soon!

  12. As always JJ you've made my morning. I've been snorting and chuckling over this for the past hour.
    Sorry that at the expense that your so sick and have impending crotch rot to look forward too. Fun!
    Hmmmm perhapse I should get back to work on the cooter cooler for you.... Where's my duck tape.....

  13. The visual of Dr. Douchebag 'pointing' at your ladyparts had me cracking up. Stupid boys. Sorry you are feeling terrible. I say you should lay around on the couch and have a Twi-marathon. That would make me feel better :-)

  14. don't read this during my lunch.
    don't read this during my lunch.
    don' read this during my lunch.


  15. Oh fuck, I feel your pain. I have the mother of all flus right now and I'm just praying to god/Satan/Flying Spaghetti Monster/whoever the fuck will listen that I won't get a chest infection because antibiotics do the exact same thing to me. I once spent half a holiday in Paris on the toilet and the other half with my thighs clenched together hoping the fire ants (PERFECT description, btw) would go away long enough for me to at least have a tiny smidge of fun. Boys just don't. Fucking. Get it. Luckily I was with my BFF and she understood perfectly.

    All I can reccommend is yogurt, acidophilus tablets and avoiding sugar. And people. Nothing pisses me off more than a happy person when I feel like shit and I'm eyeing up the nearest bottle brush...

  16. The only way I will ever take another antibiotic in my life is if I will actually die if I don't take it. It was an antibiotic that lead to me having to be gluten free. It destroyed whatever was protecting me in the years previous. Now mind you, I know that me being gluten free is a WHOLE lot better for me but I do not need to find another problem with my body if I take antibiotics again.

    Sorry you are sick. Healthy vibes headed your way.

  17. LMAO @ the title of this post!

    Feel better! Enjoy your yogurt! Find a new doctor!

  18. Oh I'm right in the same boat with you---sick as hell too. Just started getting along with my dialysis machine at night and now my coughing wakes me up! FML!!! Hope you feel better soon JJ! I feel so comforted to know I'm not alone! :)

  19. I hope he didn't prescribe you Levaquin... yeah, its cheaper, but I had to take it last year for my sinus infection, and the cure was worse than the sickness... it was that bad.

  20. How did I know that you were the author of this post?

    I'm sorry you are sick and I hope you feel better.

    But you're angry posts always make me laugh and smile uncontrollably. You need to be more like a Honey Badger and hit the doctor with dead snake. Just saying...

  21. Thank you guys for all your comments and it's totally cool that you laughed at me and my poor vagina's expense. I am feeling better! More importantly, I'm glad all of you other people who are in the throes of illnesses and/or inflamed poons at least laughed a little.

    I'm not a yogurt fan because a) it makes me bloat and fart and b) I'll think it's great until I suddenly realize that it has a weird texture and then I have to dry heave and dry heaving sucks. However, the probiotics have really, really helped. I highly recommend them to anyone with a hoo-hoo who is taking antibiotics.

    I hope all of you feel better! And those of you who have somehow managed to escape the wrath of the "goddamn fucking cold that never goes away" - may the force be with you. :)

  22. ...Ok, I knew this was a JJ post, but I totally thought it was going to be a fucking PREGNANT post. I don't know if Twitardia is ready for a MiniJerkface. We haven't even met Mini TK!

    Alas, this post is still fucking true to the core and hilarious, because that's how we roll. On the up side, instead of a bakery, why not become a brewery! Beer needs yeast, too, ya know ;)

  23. I hope you feel better, JJ. The descriptive words and photos had me giggling at my desk.

    The best part?
    My v/w is "Bible"

  24. Hope you are back on your feet soon. I just finished myt 10 days of anti-biotics this morning.

    Have you heard of Azo? It's an over the counter med that prevents/cures yeast infections. Just be sure to get the right azo because there is also a version for urinary tract infections.

    Ah ha ha. My vagina is too old & dried up for yeast infections. w/v is impar

  25. That picture of the dog dragging his ass across the carpet hits a little too close to home. I've seen that dance and do not like what it means one bit. Dogs can be so gross some times. Sorry about your sicknesses and such -- that so completely sucks! xoxo

  26. That picture of the dog dragging his ass across the carpet hits a little too close to home. I've seen that dance and do not like what it means one bit. Dogs can be so gross some times. Sorry about your sicknesses and such -- that so completely sucks! xoxo

  27. What a fucker. You should kick him in the vagina.


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