This is brilliant and I wished I had it when I had the plague...
When I first got the sniffles, I did what I always do when confronted with something unpleasant - I ignored it. Sometimes this works and whatever is afflicting me goes away. Not this time. Finally, it was decided that I had to go see a doctor, mainly because ML was tired of having to check to see if I was still breathing every hour.
I'm terrible with doctors. I never go unless I'm in extreme pain or think I might actually die. Because of this, I am usually calling every doctor in a ten mile radius for a last minute appointment. Hint - wheezing on the phone usually gets you an appointment. However, this is unfortunate for the doctor who has to examine me because when I'm sick, I'm a really, really terrible person.
Anyway, I got an appointment last Tuesday and went down and filled out the paperwork, got weighed in (assholes), my blood pressure/temperature, etc. taken and then met the doctor.
Right off the bat, I was put off. First of all, he was a dude. In the throes of the plague of the century, I forgot to ask for a woman. Not only did my Dr. Dude look to be about twenty-five, he looked like the poster child for every stereotype applied to a guy who spends his days playing World of Warcraft - shaggy, disheveled and pretty pasty.
Okay, Dr. Dude was a little older than this guy...
The exam was a typical exam and at the end of the day I was diagnosed with a sinus infection. Dr. Dude told me he would prescribe some antibiotics and the conversation went something like this:
Dr. Dude - I'm going to give you a 10-day prescription for Amoxicillin
Me - Um, no. Can't you give me the Z-Pack? You know, the 3-day one? All the other random doctors do.
Dr. Dude - I don't think a 3-day round of antibiotics is going to knock that infection out of your system (pretends to swing a bat. I mentally pretend to strangle him).
Me - Fine. How about the 5-day one?
Dr. Dude - Can I ask why you don't want the 10-day antibiotics?
[This question alone made me want to walk out. True fact - there is such a thing as a stupid question. I mean, who the fuck wants to take a bunch of big-ass pills for 10 days?]
Me - Because I don't.
Dr. Dude - Why?
Me - (sighing heavily) Because the 10-day antibiotics give me explosive diarrhea and a raging yeast infection, okay?
In the end, I haggled him down to a 7-day dose of Amoxicillin and a prescription of Diflucan for the impending temporary destruction of my vagina. Dr. Dude disappeared to call in my prescription and when he came back, this actually happened:
He points in the general direction of my vagina and asks, "do you know what the first signs of a yeast infection are? The itching and discharge--"
If I wasn't in the middle of hacking up half my lung I would have had a witty retort or perhaps even a drop kick to his head. Instead, all I could do was glare at him.
It was just like this.
This is exactly why I prefer a female doctor. First of all, obviously I know what the symptoms of a yeast infection are, fucknut. That's why I wanted the 5-day RX of antibiotics. No man can ever understand just how awful a yeast infection is. They think "itching and discomfort" and I think "holy fucking shit there are fire ants crawling around my labia and OH-MAH-GAHD, WHAT IS THAT GUNK COMING FROM MY SPECIAL PLACE???"
Her doctor didn't prescribe Diflucan...
Add to that the havoc that antiobiotics wreak on my intestines and, well, let's just say it ain't pretty. At all.
Slightly mollified by the fact that he threw in the Diflucan, I left and headed to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, eager just to get this shit over with. I didn't bother checking it until I got home.
That's when I discovered Dr. Dude had given me the 10-day prescription anyway. Shrieking and cursing ensued.
Payback will be swift and merciless. Just as soon as I feel better.