Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Sending out the Twi-Signal!


We need your help...

Don't worry - we're not asking for money to pay someone to track down RPatts for us. Or for anything else (although if we DID have an opportunity to procure ourselves an RPatts, we would of course expect your financial support).

We need something more important - your creativity, your ideas, your suggestions.

There's no easy way to say this if you haven't already thought this through, so I am just going to rip this muther humping BandAid off right now: we can't be Twitarded forever.

 Don't pout! We're not going anywhere (like it or not).

I mean, sure, we'll always be Twitarded - Twitards are forever! - but blogging only under this name can't go on forever. It's possible one or two of you might have even noticed that we don't blog exclusively about Twilight, Robert Pattinson, or Jenny Jerkface's BMs anymore.

But we would never abandon this ship...

...or this one. {{{sniff}}}

In our usual style, we haven't really quite figured out how this will work. Not that anyone is going to panic, but we have no plans to shut down this blog. It's been an amazing ride and we're not ready to hand in the keys to the Twimobile just yet. But we do want to start a new site.

As you might expect, we've been talking about this for a while without doing anything about it. But we need to make this shit GO. Because we've bandied approximately 3,247,367 potential names back and forth since we started talking about it, and nothing has stuck so far. But I am obsessed. I even drove home tonight with my radio off so that I could think about blog names while sloooowly trudging my way up Route 1. And I NEVER ever EVER drive without the radio on. I love music, I love news, and I hate hearing any noise my engine might be making (if it gets loud enough to be heard above the radio, I'll deal with it).

This is where you come in! We would love to hear your suggestions for a new blog/website name.

Because frankly we are going to kill each other if someone doesn't come up with something that we can all agree on soon-ish.

Here's the tricky part: no profanity (put away your Creative Cursing books and close your Profanity Candy app for the time being) - so we won't be starting the Twat Waffle blog (I know - this makes me sad, too). We'd like it to be something that isn't going to get us bloggy blacklisted right from the get-go. Don't worry - we'll earn that right later... Preferably, it should be something that isn't too long, can be spelled by slightly drunk people, and would look good on a tee shirt (I want a tee shirt and we haven't even named the damn thing yet). Also, it can't be one of the 97 kabillion blog names that are already taken by people who wrote one lame three-sentence post in 2001. Thanks, Blogger and Wordpress, for allowing a name to be taken forever even if it's inactive for over a decade. Great system you have there...

Aaaaand GO!

P.S. If we pick your name, we'll send you...something awesome. I have no idea what, but you'll like it. Probably.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My House Might Kill Me

Because having a newborn on top of my usual hectic schedule left me with too much time in my day, we decided to move in the middle of all of this. And not just move, but buy a house that needed to be renovated. We roll hard.

We've always bought new houses in the past, so this was an adventure for us. Did I say 'adventure?' I meant 'soul-sucking nightmare.' The prior owners seemed to have (A) never cleaned anything ever, ever, ever, (B) had daily mixed martial arts fights in every room, and (C) painted every wall to look like a circus tent on acid. I don't want to give too much detail on the house because we found a bunch of Twilight paraphernalia squirreled away in the most unusual places and I fear the prior owners read this blog. The last thing I need is for me to talk shit about someone who knows where I live. That whore Jenny Jerkface excluded.

A few weeks after being cut open and having a person removed from me, I was at the new house (with a lovely case of the flu) gathering trash, priming walls, beating down cobwebs the size of Rhode Island, and coughing up a lung. I've taken to watching old episodes of Hoarders to see if my house was ever featured. We paid a professional to remove all the trash (and I can assure you this was NOT another man's treasure) and it took his crew three trips. The garage was waist-deep with just stuff from the attic.

Not my house, but every room looked similar to this. Coincidentally, this is exactly what the inside of my stomach looks like. (Whataburger and Shipleys? These peeps are totally from The South.)

We cleaned up some of the overgrown yard (Seriously, nature had reclaimed this place.) and found a wheelbarrow in the weeds. A motherfucking wheelbarrow! Every time we would think we had a handle on the trash, we'd open another closet or cabinet and find more. I swear it was reproducing in the dark. The kitchen was a whole new level of OHMAHGAWD!  Literally hundreds of magazines were squirreled away in the cabinets. Did you know Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston divorced? If not, I can lend you some tabloids and you can read about it like it's 2005. Better yet, if you're worried about Y2K, I can hook you up with some handy preparedness articles. Now I just feel stupid for keeping plates and glasses in the cabinets all these years.

 This is pretty much what my kitchen looked like after I cleared out all the cabinets, except with a few inches of dust on top. *wheeze*

I seriously can not talk about the master bath. I'll just say that I have used an entire bottle each of Soft Scrub, Comet, and Kaboom in the shower and it's still pretty frightening in there. We've had a ton of work done on the house, but there's still so much left to do. I think we've single-handedly bumped a couple of plumbers and electricians into a higher tax bracket.

We're still not done unpacking because we have to demolish part of each room, decontaminate it, and paint it before we can use it. I feel a little bit like the canary in the coal mines and I keep expecting to kick the bucket any day now. Speaking of kicking the bucket, my washer and dryer did.  Yay me! Money that was set aside to replace kitchen appliances went into buying a shiny new washer and dryer. It was either that or trade in my La Perla panties for Brawny and Scotch tape. I really considered going with the latter, but I have three other people in the house and one of them spends most of their day peeing, pooping, and spitting up. But enough about Mr. TK.

These are all attributes I admire in a good pair of underpants. 

If I don't knock down this house in a fit of rage one day, these little bastards will. Meet the new cats we adopted.

She doesn't come out much, so this is the best photo I could get. This is Echo. In the background is the leather bean bag she peed on. Could've done without that. 

This is Persephone. They are named after a goddess and a nymph, but they are bitches. Bitches who owe us a couch now. And a bean bag.

I really do like the house and it will be beautiful when we finish renovating it. I just hope I can survive the renovation. Please make me feel better and tell me you have similar housing stories. Please.

Monday, February 27, 2012

PSA: When Vodka and Ice Don't Mix!

It's true. As much as we love our vodka and whatever in a tall glass of ice, there are times when the two just don't mix. I found it hard to believe myself. I gasped, actually. If vodka and ice are a dangerous combination, how does that bode for the future of our cocktails? I'm distressed at the thought.

A match made in heaven... It started with a video I recently found on the Huffington Post twitter account. The absurdness of the some of the stories on this website... it's nearly unbelievable. So if I never saw the video proof to back this story, I would never have believed it.

A feller from Norway recently documented the effects of drinking vodka and ice skating. Now I love ice skating and I like to think I'm actually pretty good at it. But the thought of trying to balance myself on two slivers of steel while guzzling the goofy juice is a feat that would most surely end with a serious injury. I know walking is a chore for me when intoxicated.

Take a looksy and see what I mean... although I will warn you, there are some pretty cringe-worthy parts to this vid. This guy is pure nucking futs!


Now let's review. I have a few fears that revolve around thin ice. One - falling through (me and water aren't that close) and two - falling through and getting swept under the ice away from the hole. That's the shit my nightmares are made of. I get seriously claustrophobic just imagining it.

Also, you know when you stick your tongue on a metal pole and it sticks (think the kid in A Christmas Story)? How the hell does this guy slide nekkid on the ice without it ripping a layer of skin off his body? Maybe the vodka has lubed him up enough?

Let's discuss the sheer ridiculousness of this guy in the comments. Seriously? Is there anything in this video you see yourself doing? Come on... I triple dog dare you.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

When Fashion Trends Go Very, Very Wrong

I'm a people watcher. Nothing fascinates (or enrages) me more than humans. Of course, New York City is absolutely perfect for people-watching and is packed to the gills with Everyday Joes, Beautiful People, Freaks, Geeks and the Bottom of the Barrel. And then some.

Since I'm surrounded by such a large demographic, it becomes pretty clear which people are following fashion trends and which people are wearing newspapers because they're homeless and cold, not because they're trying to be ironic.

Most of the fashion trends are pretty innocuous or innocent. I'm convinced that other trends were developed just to see how willing Americans are to go along with something totally retarded because "it's cool" or "in". Like rompers. The person who thought that rompers would look good on anyone over the age of four needs to be pummeled. Repeatedly.

I heard next year they're going to try to bring feety-pajamas to the forefront of edgy fashion.

Over the past few months, I began to notice that people were wearing something that should never, ever be worn. It is the ultimate symbol of extreme social awkwardness. It's tacky, dorky (in a bad way), unflattering and just... stupid.

Naturally, the hipsters appear to be embracing it as some kind of new ironic fashion statement.

Hispters. Needing a nutpunch since... whenever they became a species.

It's the goddamn Fanny Pack.

 Huh. There are a lot of similarities between this pic and the one above. Maybe this guy is the original hipster... 

When I first saw some chick wearing one, I thought maybe she lost a bet and that was her punishment. But then I began to seeing them everywhere. Not a lot, mind you, but enough that I was worried that the Fanny Pack might be trying to wheedle it's way into popular fashion. To be sure, I headed straight to the Hipster Uniform Website. If they weren't selling Fanny Packs, then we were safe.

We're not safe.

As if it wasn't bad enough, these manufacturers are now making Fanny Packs with fringes or studs. I don't care what you do with it - tie-dye it, crochet it, put a fucking bird on it - it's still a Fanny Pack.

 Oh, those studs and fringes make this Fanny Pack so cool. And by "cool" I mean "bring me some gasoline because I want to light this on fire".

Just... no.

Part of me understands that the functionality of a Fanny Pack is good. I get that it's easy to strap one on and have your phone/wallet/Metamucel within quick reach but... they're just SO... not cool. When I hear the phrase "Fanny Pack" I imagine some hapless tourist with shorts pulled up to his nipples, socks and sandals, wandering around some big foreign city, his Fanny Pack a beacon for all the muggers around. I just can't help it. It was never a good look, not even in the 80's (unless you're reading this and use a Fanny Pack. Then you looking FUCKING HOT).  But whenever I see someone wearing one, my first thought is "that dude/chick is never getting laid. Ever."

 This man decided he wanted a splash of color on his chastity belt...

So, level with me, readers. Are Fanny Packs dorky? Is it time to give them a second chance? Am I just an asshole or should we form an Anti-Fanny Pack society?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Boogeyman

I have a confession to make: I am 43 years old and I'm still afraid of the boogeyman.

You know the one - he lives in the closet...

...just not when I check every night.

He's always right behind me as I scurry up a dark staircase - better lock the door behind quick!

He's in the dark corners of the basement (if you have a creepy old house with an unfinished basement like me, anyway), lurking while I do the laundry.

But mostly he lives under my bed.

Realistically, I know what innocuous stuff resides under my bed: plastic bins filled with clothes and books, half a case of really nice Bordeaux, and copious amounts of dust bunnies. But the kid in me knows otherwise...

Only safe to do during broad daylight...

I can't get out of bed in the middle of the night and get back in without jumping the last little distance with fear-driven gusto, and I can't relax again until I am safely under the blankets. Completely under the blankets. Because as everyone knows, blankets offer superior boogeyman protection. They're like boogeyman kryptonite. Just don't leave your foot hanging out - whatever you do! - or all bets are off...

 Never EVER do this!

I was part-way over my boogeyman neurosis when Mr. Snarky talked me into watching Paranormal Activity back in the day. And THIS scene set me back approximately 38 years and was celebrated as a grand coup in boogeyman circles everywhere -

Maybe this is one of the reasons I was ok with Edward watching over Bella while she slept at night? I think I need a vampire to keep me safe at night. Preferably a hot one.

 Come closer...

And if I can't have a hot vampire security detail, I suppose I'd settle for the next best thing...

 But no hanky-panky for you, Chuck Norris. Sorry.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Bacon Will Save the World!

My latest obsession, the infographic, has just reached a new height in genius. No longer will I think of bacon as something that will give me high cholesterol and a double-wide ass. Nope. According to the infographic below, I can eat bacon until the cows pigs come home. Watch out Wilbur... I've got you in my crosshairs.

Apparently, bacon has fucking super powers. I'm a strong believer that bacon should wear a cape at all times. Bacon can probably leap tall buildings and can actually aid in weight loss and lower cholesterol... what the what? How happy does this news make you? Seriously, it makes me want to cook the entire pound of bacon currently residing in my fridge while doing cartwheels around the kitchen. I feel like this current information warrants bacon to be served at every meal of every day.

If you need this shirt as much as I do, you can buy it here!

And, the more bacon you eat, the more bacon fat you can store and well, goodbye fossil fucking fuels. Bacon will power your life. Can you imagine all these people driving around in cars fueled by bacon? The exhaust would be downright mouth watering. I'd better stock up on wet-wipes, because I'd spend my entire commute salivating all over myself.

It would be like in the episode of Seinfeld when Kramer decides to sun himself on the roof slathered in butter and Newman starts seeing him as a big basted turkey. I'll be seeing bacon everywhere.

Bacon deserves the Noble Peace Prize for all the good it does. In short, bacon kicks ass.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Hunger Games - It's Almost Here!!!

Yesterday, Texas Katherine wrote about a slew of movies she's looking forward to seeing in 2012. Abe Lincoln and zombies? Yes, please. The Hobbit? holyfuckingshit YES!!

I couldn't help notice that there were a few movies that seemed to have been left off her list. Not that we can blame her, really. I mean, she has little people whose lives depend on her actually paying attention to them and doing things to keep them fed and clean and shit. Me, on the other hand, well, I think the most important thing I've done today is beat the pants off Brother Jerkface four times in a row on Scramble with Friends.

Oh, and read The Hunger Games trilogy for the eighth time. Sound familiar?

I am stupidly excited for this movie to come out and it's almost here!! We have just a little over a month to wait until we see Katniss fight for survival on the silver screen, with Peeta being kinda of useless and lovesick by her side.

It's like the opposite of Twilight, if you think about it. Or, not at all. To be honest, I'm so hungry I can't think straight. It's like I was from District 12 or something.

Fuck that, I would never survive in District 12. I'd be one of those freaks in the Capitol with shocking pink hair and whiskers. I'm so ashamed.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I came across a second trailer for The Hunger Games, almost crapped myself in excitement and watched it twenty times in a row, until my boss finally came over to my cube where me and my equally obsessed coworker were hunched over, watching it on repeat, and wanted to know what the fuck we were doing.

Losers. Good thing they don't read this blog. Or know about it.

Did I mention that this movie is going to be good? Scratch that, it better be motherfucking awesome. Or else.

In all seriousness, I truly hope they do a great job with this and so far it's looking like they did. I love Jennifer Lawrence and think she'll make a great Katniss. Even Lenny Kravitz as Cinna has grown on me. A lot.

I even think what's-his-face as Peeta might muddle through.

Soon, my friends. It'll be here soon. And may the odds be ever in your favor. Because they clearly weren't in Katniss Everdeen's case. Just sayin'...

So, who is as excited as I am to see this movie? Anyone going to the midnight show? Spill your love (or hate) in the comments!!

Monday, February 20, 2012

My Most Anticipated Movies of 2012

I am an admitted movie ignoramous. I might go to the movies once or twice a year. Maybe. A movie has to look really, really good to convince me it's worth a $15 tub of popcorn and having to contend with dumb mothertruckers who don't know how to STFU when the lights go down. (You know who you are and it is my mission in life to destroy you.) I can (and probably will) do a whole other post on movie theater etiquette. But I digress...

This year's movie lineup actually looks pretty good. It's possible I might venture out of the house MULTIPLE times. Watch out.

The Avengers
Release Date: May 4
Nick Fury and the international agency S.H.I.E.L.D. bring together a team of super humans to form The Avengers to help save the Earth from Loki & his various membered army. 

They had me when I heard Joss Whedon was directing this. I am such a fangirl for him. The super hero movies are always fun and this is like a SUPER super hero movie. I will maim anyone who talks during this movie.

Snow White and the Huntsman
Release Date: June 1
In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen.

KStew stars in this movie and the trailer doesn't even show her blinking once. The rest of the cast is stellar, so I really hope it's good. The costumes look amazing and I'm a sucker for a show with a bad ass heroine.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Release Date: June 22
Abraham Lincoln, the 18th President of the United States, discovers vampires are planning to take over the United States. He makes it his mission to eliminate them. 

I heard good things about the book this movie is based on. If I wasn't already in love with the title, the trailer plays Johnny Cash's "The Man Comes Around." This movie will have all of my money.

Taken 2 
Release Date: October 5

In Istanbul, retired CIA operative Bryan Mills and his wife are taken hostage by the father of a kidnapper Mills killed while rescuing his daughter. 

I freaking loved the first movie and I was stoked to see they were making another. I secretly hope they change the title to Tooked and have Liam Neeson kidnapped by tootheless hillbillies in the Ozarks instead.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Release Date: December 14
Bilbo Baggins, a Hobbit, journeys to the Lonely Mountain accompanied by a group of dwarves to reclaim a treasure taken from them by the dragon Smaug. 

This is kind of the prequal to the Lord of the Rings movies. Oh yeah, and it's based on a little book that's only sold about a bajillion copies. I've been looking forward to this movie for years. Is it December yet?

Ok, movie buffs, what are you intending to see this year? What size popcorn are you going to buy? Most importantly, do you put extra butter on it?

*Pretty much everything taken from IMDB.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Edward Says WHAT?!

We received a shot of the image below (apparently part of some extra Breaking Dawn dvd footage) from self-professed loyal Twitarded fan Jennifer last week and had to agree with her suggestion that the expression on Rob's face is priceless and cries out for snappy captioning. I think our prize closet got wiped out during our last trip to Forks, but really, this photo is so full of captioning potential win that it doesn't even need the promise of some random piece of Twilighty merch to make it worthwhile...

I'll start -

Wait - I put what where when we get to Isle Esme?!?

That was low-hanging fruit, people. There's just so much potential here... This should be a Jumpy-Rob worthy meme in my humble opinion.

Leave your captions in the comments!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Oh mon dieu, Bel Ami photos de la pr├ęcieuse!

We interrupt this regularly scheduled installment of Reckoner to bring you Robert Pattinson in Berlin. Myg will return next week for more Reckoner deliciousness! I can't think of a better fill-in for a Friday night, can you?

Word on the street is that RPattz is currently in Berlin promoting Bel Ami with co-stars Christina Ricci and Holliday Grainger. And judging from the way my Twitter feed was completely exploding this afternoon with pretty picture after pretty picture, that word is accurate.

First, the photo call yesterday... oh mah gawd I love that fucking shaved head more than I can express. Although I would prefer the brows be a little more groomed. I'm not a fan of the unibrow look. I missed the live feed -- I had an urgent appointment to get my eyebrows tidied up since the last time may or may not have been before I went to Forks last fall (shhhhhh!). Not a good look -- it was really bordering on Peter Mayhew-ish.

I honestly think this hair cut gives him a bit of badass-ness. I love me a good badass.

I want to bite that lip too. His lip, not hers.

Then the Bel Ami premiere in Berlin today (or tonight, over there in futuristic Europe!) Everyone looked absolutely stunning. Especially Rob in his gray suit and long overcoat. I wonder if those three had a little slap and tickle party in the hotel room before this event. Is it just me or do the ladies look to be sporting a couple of shit-eating grins?

Hands off, you clit-danglers!!

 Smiley Rob lights up the room. (Or in this case, the outside.)


Rob: It's disturbing. These women treat me like I'm a piece of meat.
Christina: You are a piece of meat. Shut up and look pretty.

And in case you haven't seen it nearly enough, here's the Bel Ami trailer once again. I can't wait to see that boy's crack. Please god don't let him suck.

TGIF fuck-mittens! Hope you all have a safe and fun holiday weekend (if you are lucky enough to get Presiden't Day off. Like me.)

Photos from Celebrity Gossip and Pop Sugar.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

A Glimpse Into the Future

I've said it here before but my commute is a 4-hour-round-trip daily source of rage-riddled torture. I think it takes a special person to be able to do a commute like this for an extended period of time and NOT wish nuclear warheads came in pocket-size. Sometimes, I look around at all the people who take the train with me, especially the older women. They're the ones who are hunched over, with orthopedic shoes and worn out looks on their faces and I often wonder whether they're stooped because of osteoperosis or if the toll of their travels has finally just sucked their souls right out of their bodies.

Every once in awhile, I see a few people who, bafflingly, seem totally okay with fighting through crowds to catch a seat everyday. They have smiles on their faces, their eyes are twinkling and sometimes they even let people go in front of them.

I can't decide if those kinds of people are just retarded or high.

Either way, without a doubt, I will never EVER be that person.

 My sentiments exactly.

I'm the one wishing for mini nuclear warheads. Or a cattle prod.

A few weeks ago, Latchkey Wife sent us all this little video. Well, actually, it's not little, it's about 6 minutes long and it gave me a relatively hysterical but horrifying glimpse into my future.

This is what I'm going to be like in fifty years if I keep commuting into the city. Also, this woman is my fucking HERO.

And she's totally fucking insane.

HOWEVER. A word of warning - while the video itself is totally innocent, the audio is VERY not safe for work. Or if you have children in the room. Or any person who might be offended by a six-minute barrage of curse words coming from the mouth of one very old, very badass lady.

I honestly can't decide if this is disturbing or incredibly funny. But I kind have to give the old lady props for talking smack.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Things I Stay Up Too Late Watching: Downton Abbey Edition

All I really wanted to do was watch the next season of Spartacus. But because I don't have the "Every Bloody Movie Channel in the Universe" package with my cable company, I was thwarted and started looking for another series to sink myself into like a hot bubble bath. It's been a rough couple of weeks here in the Snarky household...

I realize that many of my more recent posts could easily be labeled "Shit That's Currently Enabling My Chronic Debilitating Procrastination" - aka "Why I Haven't Written Christmas Thank You Letters." But recovering from the flu necessitates a decent amount of time spent on the couch just...waiting to feel motivated and well enough to have ambitions beyond killing whatever window of time there is between now and when you can reasonably throw in the towel for the day and go to bed.

But for better or for worse, I found I show I adore SO much that I'll stay awake just to watch one more episode. And as we all know, giving up sleep for something is the penultimate seal of approval. Please say hello to my new best friend, Downton Abbey (who I have finally stopped calling "Downtown Abbey").

Downton. Got it.

Until recently, I've only tuned into PBS for Antiques Roadshow. I mean, Masterpiece Theater? Sure, they've dropped the "Theater" and abbreviated it to "Masterpiece" in an effort to ditch some of the stodginess, but the shows they've featured have never really been a draw. Mostly because I have never heard of any of them before now. I suppose there might be some decent content to be found here, but honestly I can't help feeling like I'm back in school and the teacher is wheeling in the cart to screen some awful, boring movie when whatever-comes-on-after-Antiques-Roadshow starts playing. And I don't have Edward sitting next to me in the gloom, shooting sparks of barely-contained sexual energy my way.

Downton Abbey is definitely the only good thing to come out of me being sick last week. I also should come clean and admit that I started watching because I was home alone and don't know how to make our new television go. So I wound up Netflix on the laptop, desperate for something that could make me forget - for a little while - that my head wanted to explode and someone was prodding around behind my left eyeball with an ice-pick (don't miss you, sinus headache that lasted four straight days!). It worked! Aaaand now I am hooked.

Reasons you should watch, despite the fact that every episode starts off with a shot of a dog's butt -

 This guy.

 These three sisters.

Did I mention him? Yes? Okay good. 

The Dowager Countess steals every scene she's in. 

Hating on this guy could be a national pastime.

I don't want to ruin it for anyone by revealing much about the show, but the characters are ridiculously well developed (whether you love them or hate them, you feel strongly about it!), and plot twists are awesome and will leave you scrambling to go from one episode to the next. This is one of the best shows I have ever watched, period.

Season One is still streaming on Netflix (I think it was there and then gone and now it's back again). It might start a little slow, but stick with it and you'll be hooked! You can also watch on the PBS website, although only select episodes and not on an iPad (wtf, Apple? Can you PLEASE allow Flash Player already? thxkbye). But watch out - spoilers abound! Even a quick (almost accidental) scan of the show synopsis when setting the dvr could have a catastrophic impact on suspenseful viewing enjoyment. Trust me, I know. Season two is complete (and may have already aired in England?); but hasn't wrapped up yet here. But if you get impatient, you can find it online and watch the whole thing. YAY instant gratification!

Just don't blame me for those dark circles after you stay up too late watching! Now if you'll excuse me, I hear a British accent calling my name...

P.S. For those of you who like entering sweepstakes because - like me - you always think you might win even though you never do, there is a contest underway! You can win a trip to England and tour the castle featured in the show. But you probably shouldn't bother entering here because I've totally got a lock on this one.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day: Here, Have Some Profanity Candy!

What I really wanted to say was Happy Fucking Valentine's Day. Here, have some fucking profanity candy... but we're not allowed to swear in our blog titles. Them's the rules 'round these parts. I generally find Valentine's Day to be insufferable. It's just another one of those ridiculous holidays the card and candy companies invented so they could reap the benefits. I don't know this for sure but my conspiracy-muddled brain thinks it is so.

Is she holding a grenade? I would like a grenade for Valentine's Day!!

I'm also not married to the most romantic guy on the planet, and I'm not one for mushy either. Sure it's all pretty and sparkly in the movies, but in real life, it's not for me. So I think it's only fitting that I be the one to post on VD.

Because I'm the giving type, I'm giving you all some candy. Some nice sweet, tasty candy. Last week, VitaminR emailed us all in giggles (well, I'm suspecting she was giggly but it's hard to tell through email.) She had discovered a phone app called "Profanity Candy". It's like our favorite book, Creative Cursing but almost better. I say almost because nothing really can beat the feeling of flipping through that amazing book for the first time and producing words like Whore Flap, Muff Donkey and one that's near and dear to all our hearts, Twat Waffle. (Want a Twat Waffle t-shirt? Click here!)

Is it wrong I consider this my bible?

We're all a little pissed off we didn't think of this app. We could've been bazillionaires and just sat around blogging all day. The Profanity Candy app is like a virtual slot machine of cussin'. Rather than pulling the one-armed bandit, you shake your phone -- and instead of a row of cherries and 20,000 nickels, you get a shiny new curse word and a lifetime of creative insulting.

Here are some my most recent random "shake it up" masterpieces....

 I never want to be one.

 I'm not sure what a "snizzer" is, and Google's no help either.

I'll be yelling this at the stupid people at the grocery store. I bet I get a wide berth! 

 This strikes me as one that would be a Jenny Jerkface favorite.

 This is just... I can't even... ew, gross.

This would be an example of not very insulting or profane. 
Or is this just a fancy name for a bum?

Your homework is to download the Profanity Candy app immediately to your smartphone and give us your favorite new shake-it-and-see curse in the comments.

Happy Valentine's Day, Twat Waffles!!