Sunday, February 5, 2012

Fashion: You're Doing It Wrong

It's no secret that I love fashion. I love pretty clothes and shoes. It's quite a shame that I'm not wealthy. I would buy myself such pretty things. Oh, and do nice things for humanity and whatever.

I have pretty mainstream taste in clothing. I see people in very retro looks or very couture outfits and think I would look like an idiot if I tried to pull that off. There are a lot of looks I would like to try, but don't because I think I'm too tall, too short, too old, too young, or just have a freakishly long torso. The key to pulling off an eccentric outfit is to own it and stare at everyone else like they are idiots for not wearing goat hoof revolvers as shoes.

Don't pretend like you aren't trying to imagine these on your feet.

There are some statements that can not even be called fashion. Some looks are always, always wrong. Let's explore just a few of these. I hope you have pen and paper ready to take notes.

VPL: The visible panty line. BAD! It is 2012. We have split atoms, explored other planets and eradicated diseases. We have the technology to fight visible panty lines. I promise.You need different undergarments or different pants/skirt/shorts. There are a number of websites dedicated to VPL awareness. Knowledge is the first step in defeating this evil.

 If there was a fashion court, this woman would be executed. 

Knit pantsuits: 1982 called and said they don't even want their knit pantsuits back. You know the ones I'm talking about. They have the saggy knit pants in bold colors and matching shirts, usually decorated with bold puff paint prints. Almost always they are accompanied by VPL. This is not a flattering look for anyone. No one who wears anything larger than a 4T can rock this type of outfit.

Stuffing Sausage: The opposite of the saggy pant is the super tight pant. A Swedish supermodel with 0.005% body fat is the only person who can make these look good. If I can see your cellulite, you need new pants. Getting dressed shouldn't require lube, a shoehorn and a small village. Opt for a straight leg pant or at least one that allows your knees to bend.



Whoever designed these pants should be shot. No one can wear these unless their knees bend backwards. 

Visible Undergarments:  I have never shopped in a store on online where the foundation garments were sold in the same section as regular clothing. There's a reason for that. They are not made to be seen in public. (Again, supermodels get a pass here.) I don't care how pretty your bra and panties are, please keep them inside your outerwear. I'm not talking about the unintentional mishaps Jenny Jerkface and I seem to always have where we end up with our skirts around our heads. This is directed at the people who make a conscious decision to wear pants four inches lower than their panties and believe a strapless bra is a myth. Please stop the insanity.


No. Just no.

Stocking With Sandals: This one has many categories. Socks with sandals and stockings with peep-toed shoes are all wrong. If your toes stick out of your shoes in any manner, please don't cover them. Seriously. God kills a kitten if you do.

I can't even address all the issues in this picture.

White Shoes After Labor Day: This is a tough one. They are technically allowed now, but not many designers are making them. Winter white is the preferred color, but most lay people couldn't tell you the difference between winter white and regular white. Bottom line: if you find a pair of fabulous white shoes, buy them, wear them and bitchface everyone else.

This is just the tip (TWSS) of the fashion faux pas iceberg, but it's a start. If we stick together, we can beat back the darkness that is bad fashion.

22 comments:

  1. I just found out the other day that the thong above the waistband has a name "whale tail".

    The tank with the bra strap and other straps of unknown origin freak me out. I'm pretty sure I would get stuck and strangled by many straps.

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  2. Is this the right time to mention my hatred of cutoff Jean shorts with tights?

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, I've been seeing this more and more. It's apparently gaining popularity.

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  3. @Nifer What are all those straps attached to? I can't figure that out. Why would anyone go out in public dressed like that?

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  4. Thank you so much for spreading the awareness. I swear more people need full length mirrors.

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  5. LMAO!!! Getting dressed should never require lube. Truer words were never spoken.

    Also, leggings are NOT pants. Saw three women easily age 30 at Ikea the other day all wearing leggings as pants. I can tell you the exact pattern of the underwear each was wearing. Girls, you were owning those curves and more power to you for the juicy doubles, but please, for the sake of my bleeding eyeballs, find some opaque pants.

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  6. I had a co-worker a few years ago who carried on a ten-minute conversation with me about how since her bra straps matched the rest of her outfit, it was okay. My reply, "Bra straps are NOT an accessory!" She didn't speak to me too much after that.
    More recently, there is a girl in one of my classes that I really want to tell, "I was staring at your thong all class long!" Do you think I would get extra points for the poetry? It IS an English class! :)

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  7. @shipstress--Come again?!?! (TWSS) I have yet to see this abomination. Let's not talk about it & maybe it will go away.

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  8. Oh god it terrifies me when people wear the nylon type leggings with designs as pants. A mom... (probably in her mid thirties) was wearing them as pants with a thong underneath to pick up her child from school and she wasn't a skinny lady either. WTF shouldn't that be illegal!?! I believe I am scarred for life.

    I will admit to doing the bra strap thing... I'm young and dumb I'll learn :)

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  9. I'm on board w everything except the bra straps--I can't do strapless bras, I hate them and they're uncomfortable and like my waist more than my ribs. I'm cool w exposed bra straps, only if they pretty, not 2+ inches thick, and not clear (eww, what's the point?).

    love your pics, damn so fucking funny!!!

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  10. Ok...so..."a friend" once wore black hose with her peep-toes high heels to a black-tie soiree. This..."friend"...likes peep-toed shoes but she can't go bare-legged (this "friend" has some veiny-ass legs). Faux pas of allowable? [*crosses fingers...for "my friend"...natch...]

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    Replies
    1. Tell your friend she should find 'toeless' hose. They are awesome! ;)

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    2. I have never seen them in the store but I know they exist - just trying to decide if i would like how it would look or if it would just be weird to have the stockings suddenly stop. Maybe I'll order a pair online and see hot they work IRL?

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    3. Uh, I mean, I'll pass your advice along to my friend...

      : )

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    4. Allowable. If they do it in the J.Crew catalog, it's allowed. Of course, they do cutoffs and hose also, hmm..

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  11. Two words.

    MUFFIN TOP

    Just buy fucking clothes that fit ladies. It's not hard.

    MC

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  12. mine might be a bit controversial but... if you can't walk in your high heels, you can't own them!

    And...if you are going to wear peep toe shoes, make sure your toe nails look good!

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  13. I show my bra straps. Not because I think it's making a statement but because strapless bras are goddamn miserable to wear.

    I also don't think there is something wrong with wearing peep toe shoes with stockings, provided the stockings are somewhat fashionable and incorporated into the outfit. There are a lot of well put-together ladies in NYC who do that.

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  14. I'm wondering how you got a hold of my custom made hoof pistol shoes. I had those fuckers locked away for safe keeping.

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  15. Thank you for blogging. . .
    We learned tips for how to write on people's blogs, like a compliment.
    We also learned that if you know something about the topic, you can put it on there if nobody else has written it. We liked the suggestion to only use one punctuation instead of a bunch if you liked it Vimax.

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  16. Having worked in the restaurant industry for several years, I can tell you that when prom season rolls around, my biggest pet peeve is: black shoes!
    Nothing drives me bat-shit crazier than seeing a fabulous prom dress in the color of your choice paired up with a pair of black shoes!! Teenage girls and mothers please listen: it's called Dye. To. Match.
    Any/most department stores carry them. Yeah, sometimes the styles aren't all that cute, but it's a faaaar better compliment to the dress than black fucking shoes. Or better yet, let me go shoe shopping for you.

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  17. Panty lines are hot, not tacky. Unless you're 300 lbs/fugly. Peace out :]

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