Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day: Here, Have Some Profanity Candy!

What I really wanted to say was Happy Fucking Valentine's Day. Here, have some fucking profanity candy... but we're not allowed to swear in our blog titles. Them's the rules 'round these parts. I generally find Valentine's Day to be insufferable. It's just another one of those ridiculous holidays the card and candy companies invented so they could reap the benefits. I don't know this for sure but my conspiracy-muddled brain thinks it is so.

Is she holding a grenade? I would like a grenade for Valentine's Day!!

I'm also not married to the most romantic guy on the planet, and I'm not one for mushy either. Sure it's all pretty and sparkly in the movies, but in real life, it's not for me. So I think it's only fitting that I be the one to post on VD.

Because I'm the giving type, I'm giving you all some candy. Some nice sweet, tasty candy. Last week, VitaminR emailed us all in giggles (well, I'm suspecting she was giggly but it's hard to tell through email.) She had discovered a phone app called "Profanity Candy". It's like our favorite book, Creative Cursing but almost better. I say almost because nothing really can beat the feeling of flipping through that amazing book for the first time and producing words like Whore Flap, Muff Donkey and one that's near and dear to all our hearts, Twat Waffle. (Want a Twat Waffle t-shirt? Click here!)

Is it wrong I consider this my bible?

We're all a little pissed off we didn't think of this app. We could've been bazillionaires and just sat around blogging all day. The Profanity Candy app is like a virtual slot machine of cussin'. Rather than pulling the one-armed bandit, you shake your phone -- and instead of a row of cherries and 20,000 nickels, you get a shiny new curse word and a lifetime of creative insulting.

Here are some my most recent random "shake it up" masterpieces....

 I never want to be one.

 I'm not sure what a "snizzer" is, and Google's no help either.

I'll be yelling this at the stupid people at the grocery store. I bet I get a wide berth! 

 This strikes me as one that would be a Jenny Jerkface favorite.

 This is just... I can't even... ew, gross.

This would be an example of not very insulting or profane. 
Or is this just a fancy name for a bum?

Your homework is to download the Profanity Candy app immediately to your smartphone and give us your favorite new shake-it-and-see curse in the comments.

Happy Valentine's Day, Twat Waffles!!


  1. We have been having some fun with this app.. Some of my favorites ..
    Testicle mongler then I had to look up the word mongler and found cockmongler.. Mongler means their or steal..lol
    Hooch minion
    Trash stick
    I have to say, it's rather fun slinging insults.. I almost told some teens at the movies that were being very loud to shut up youndouche rockets... But I didn't...nice find..let the games begin.. Xoxo

  2. Ooooh fun! Moist goddess is the first one I got. Why yes, I do use lotion every day, thank you for noticing.

    Ho clown. Snatch stain. Clown ocalype... hmm.

  3. Spunk whore

    I have nothing to add to that.

  4. Is it wrong that I've filed this app under 'Utilities'? Thanks for the rec, LKW. Would I be right in thinking that the Creative Cursing book was one of the raffle items at Forks2011?

    Anywho, for what it's worth, here are my favourite 3 selections:

    wang basket
    skank fungus

    and the piece de la resistance:

    sphincter hat

    *nods* Oh yes! This is going to become my favourite app of all!

    CC x

  5. You KNOW how I adore the Creative Cursing book, but who can resist "taint face"???

  6. I just downloaded this app and I PRAY my phone doesn't fall into the hands of my 89 kindergarten kids. I can only imagine...

    scrotum whisperer
    douche guzzler
    puss brewer..

    Can't you just hear five-year-olds screaming this?

    I LOVE IT!

    1. Scrotum whisperer. I'm not sure what you need to get a scrotum to do that needs whispering but this made me spit out my diet pepsi!!

  7. I was playing with this app in Friday, shouting out these words at the bar I was at with some coworkers. I think I scarred one for life. She had to ask me what a muff was.

    1. Did you tell her it was something to keep your ears warm??

  8. Oh you bunch of cooch bubbles!! I love this app. Holy corncob baggers! Here's some more of my favs...
    Tampon cancer
    Feces bender
    Panooch pilot ( i need to look up panooch)
    Smegma balls
    Meat flasher

    1. Bwaaaahaha! Feces bender! I think my dog is on a constant feces bender. Much to my dismay.

  9. Ohhh, new app to add...yippie.

    My husband's car is in the shop so he walked a mile or so to get me flowers yesterday, and when he gave me the daisies and pink roses last night (he doesn't "believe" in delivery - douche) all I could say was "You walked a mile for flowers and that's the best you could do?" Poor men...

    On a brighter note, I had a dream last night that some random friend and I were stalking Rob in the "city" (you know, some nondescript dream city) and I walked by him in my Twitarded shirt (seriously, that was an important element) and I said to my friend "there he is!" and suddenly he turns and calls me by name! Not Rob's Bitch, but my actual name - recognizing me due to the shirt, from when we were on David Letterman together. We didn't have sex in the dream, so I won't bore you with the rest.

  10. I will never be able to go to the grocery store or sit in traffic with out it.
    *Pork wallet
    *nipple feeder

  11. I have been playing with this thing ALL day. Almost choked myself with laughter while in the elevator at work, especially when I came up "cunt juice". Best discovery EVER.

  12. nipple monkey
    splooge cluster
    anal commander
    sausage shitter
    ballsack tickler
    spunk basket

  13. My favorite so far has to be Fuck Mitten. Bwaaaaahaha!

  14. TAMPON ENFUSIAST ignore my spelling but lol


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