Since I'm surrounded by such a large demographic, it becomes pretty clear which people are following fashion trends and which people are wearing newspapers because they're homeless and cold, not because they're trying to be ironic.
Most of the fashion trends are pretty innocuous or innocent. I'm convinced that other trends were developed just to see how willing Americans are to go along with something totally retarded because "it's cool" or "in". Like rompers. The person who thought that rompers would look good on anyone over the age of four needs to be pummeled. Repeatedly.
I heard next year they're going to try to bring feety-pajamas to the forefront of edgy fashion.
Over the past few months, I began to notice that people were wearing something that should never, ever be worn. It is the ultimate symbol of extreme social awkwardness. It's tacky, dorky (in a bad way), unflattering and just... stupid.
Naturally, the hipsters appear to be embracing it as some kind of new ironic fashion statement.
Hispters. Needing a nutpunch since... whenever they became a species.
It's the goddamn Fanny Pack.
Huh. There are a lot of similarities between this pic and the one above. Maybe this guy is the original hipster...
When I first saw some chick wearing one, I thought maybe she lost a bet and that was her punishment. But then I began to seeing them everywhere. Not a lot, mind you, but enough that I was worried that the Fanny Pack might be trying to wheedle it's way into popular fashion. To be sure, I headed straight to the Hipster Uniform Website. If they weren't selling Fanny Packs, then we were safe.
We're not safe.
As if it wasn't bad enough, these manufacturers are now making Fanny Packs with fringes or studs. I don't care what you do with it - tie-dye it, crochet it, put a fucking bird on it - it's still a Fanny Pack.
Oh, those studs and fringes make this Fanny Pack so cool. And by "cool" I mean "bring me some gasoline because I want to light this on fire".
Part of me understands that the functionality of a Fanny Pack is good. I get that it's easy to strap one on and have your phone/wallet/Metamucel within quick reach but... they're just SO... not cool. When I hear the phrase "Fanny Pack" I imagine some hapless tourist with shorts pulled up to his nipples, socks and sandals, wandering around some big foreign city, his Fanny Pack a beacon for all the muggers around. I just can't help it. It was never a good look, not even in the 80's (unless you're reading this and use a Fanny Pack. Then you looking FUCKING HOT). But whenever I see someone wearing one, my first thought is "that dude/chick is never getting laid. Ever."
This man decided he wanted a splash of color on his chastity belt...
So, level with me, readers. Are Fanny Packs dorky? Is it time to give them a second chance? Am I just an asshole or should we form an Anti-Fanny Pack society?