Sunday, February 26, 2012

When Fashion Trends Go Very, Very Wrong

I'm a people watcher. Nothing fascinates (or enrages) me more than humans. Of course, New York City is absolutely perfect for people-watching and is packed to the gills with Everyday Joes, Beautiful People, Freaks, Geeks and the Bottom of the Barrel. And then some.


Since I'm surrounded by such a large demographic, it becomes pretty clear which people are following fashion trends and which people are wearing newspapers because they're homeless and cold, not because they're trying to be ironic.

Most of the fashion trends are pretty innocuous or innocent. I'm convinced that other trends were developed just to see how willing Americans are to go along with something totally retarded because "it's cool" or "in". Like rompers. The person who thought that rompers would look good on anyone over the age of four needs to be pummeled. Repeatedly.

I heard next year they're going to try to bring feety-pajamas to the forefront of edgy fashion.

Over the past few months, I began to notice that people were wearing something that should never, ever be worn. It is the ultimate symbol of extreme social awkwardness. It's tacky, dorky (in a bad way), unflattering and just... stupid.

Naturally, the hipsters appear to be embracing it as some kind of new ironic fashion statement.

Hispters. Needing a nutpunch since... whenever they became a species.

It's the goddamn Fanny Pack.

 Huh. There are a lot of similarities between this pic and the one above. Maybe this guy is the original hipster... 

When I first saw some chick wearing one, I thought maybe she lost a bet and that was her punishment. But then I began to seeing them everywhere. Not a lot, mind you, but enough that I was worried that the Fanny Pack might be trying to wheedle it's way into popular fashion. To be sure, I headed straight to the Hipster Uniform Website. If they weren't selling Fanny Packs, then we were safe.

We're not safe.

As if it wasn't bad enough, these manufacturers are now making Fanny Packs with fringes or studs. I don't care what you do with it - tie-dye it, crochet it, put a fucking bird on it - it's still a Fanny Pack.

 Oh, those studs and fringes make this Fanny Pack so cool. And by "cool" I mean "bring me some gasoline because I want to light this on fire".

Just... no.

Part of me understands that the functionality of a Fanny Pack is good. I get that it's easy to strap one on and have your phone/wallet/Metamucel within quick reach but... they're just SO... not cool. When I hear the phrase "Fanny Pack" I imagine some hapless tourist with shorts pulled up to his nipples, socks and sandals, wandering around some big foreign city, his Fanny Pack a beacon for all the muggers around. I just can't help it. It was never a good look, not even in the 80's (unless you're reading this and use a Fanny Pack. Then you looking FUCKING HOT).  But whenever I see someone wearing one, my first thought is "that dude/chick is never getting laid. Ever."

 This man decided he wanted a splash of color on his chastity belt...

So, level with me, readers. Are Fanny Packs dorky? Is it time to give them a second chance? Am I just an asshole or should we form an Anti-Fanny Pack society?

30 comments:

  1. after wondering how the guy in the first pic blows his nose, i'm left wondering if after all that deliberate facial modification, he got into a fight with his cat (because them there are scratches on his cheeks and forehead).

    it's a good thing i never make it to williamsburg because i would be pushing these fanny-pack wearing people into oncoming traffic.

    unless you are climbing a rock and need someplace to keep that chalky stuff that allows you to not fall to your death (probably), there is just no reason for a fanny pack. and i am sure that chalk-holder thingy has a better name.

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  2. Fanny Packs or 'Bum Bags' as we call them here in the UK are not, never have been and never will be cool! Also the thought of the pain that man had to go through to stretch his ears n nose like that is making me wince.

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  3. Burn them and send them straight to hell. Horrid horrid horrid things.

    That guy would totally be fucked if someone ever had to do CPR on him. Also laughing so hard a drink came out of your nose would be super messy.

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  4. My name is Nifer, and I use a fanny pack. It all started when I got off the treadmills and went running in the park instead. I have a lot of shit to pack, keys, phone, ipod, plastic bags that I hand out to fucktards that don't clean up after their dogs, mace for rapers, and fucktards that ignore my demands that they clean up after their dogs. But I've worn it other places too...

    I can stop at anytime! I'm mean Hulk Hogan wears one and he's still cool!!! I may need an intervention.

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    1. I believe STY relayed my message before about this but... this is OKAY. Using a Fanny (or bum) pack while jogging, hiking, etc., it perfectly acceptable. Using one as a fashion statement deserves a punch in the taint.

      And Hulk Hogan wears a fanny pack? Really?

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  5. What does that guy do when he has a cold???
    Fanny Packs (or bum bags in Australia)are so dorky but I was watching some police show and a guy rode past the cops on a bike and he had a bum bag and they were like "ohhh pull him over he has a bum bag he'll have drugs" and sure enough in the bum bag there were drugs. So yeah watch out for people with bum bags... unless you want drugs then look for people with bum bags.
    I think tourists need a new way to carry around their hand sanitiser and sunscreen.
    P.S. I love rompers, I have 3, I call them play suits. The ONLY problem is that you have to take the whole thing off to go to the dunny. Whenever I see someone wearing one I have a silent giggle coz they have to pee or poop in public in the nude.

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  6. Eeeeeewww! That first picture is scarier than the Boogyman incarnate. Gooddamn!

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  7. My fanny does not need any more enhancements - I try hard to make it blend in better - it is noticeable enough without putting a freakin giant wart on it! I'll just carry my petite tote/carryon sized pocketbook slung over my shoulder, which coincidentally weighs in at about 40 lbs, give or take a few, making it an unobtrusive but deadly weapon if needed. Also combines my weight lifting program with shopping, nice, huh? yeah, no on the fanny pack fad...just, no.

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  8. If I had to come across a guy with a fanny pack or bum bag - I definitely prefer fanny pack- or that asshole in the first picture, give me a bum bag any day.

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  9. Hey, Shakey Stitches, you didn't tell them that fanny means twat here in Australia! Lol! X

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  10. I don't get fanny packs (which is indeed HILARIOUS when you think of fanny meaning twat!!). I also don't get hipsters, and I live near one of the NW hipster meccas of the US...Portlandia. Mother fucking hipsters. PBR in a can, mustaches (which I actually love), knee-length cardigans, keds, mismatched prints and plaids, and being "ironically different" just like all of those other ironically different fucktards....

    I guess bum bags are supposed to be good for traveling or whatever, but why the fuck would I want all of my important stuff behind me? It's like I'm saying "Come on over, thieves! I can't see you, but my money, passport, travel documents, keys, overpriced phone, etc are at your disposal if you discreetly approach me and make it seem like you just bumped into me!"

    I mean...really? REALLY?

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  11. OMG. The fact that Americans (generalising here) call these FANNY PACKS is fucking hilarious.

    Here in New Zealand (and in many other countries, I'm sure), fanny is slang for va-jay-jay. Vagina. Hoo-hah.

    Unless you're wearing the offending item in a really fucking weird place, it's just wrong to me that you call them that.

    Here, they're bum bags.

    *over and out*

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  12. It's a sign of the Apocalypse!!!!!

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  13. I haven't worn a bum bag since I was about seven. I was a pretty dorky kid, and I still thought they were lame. Probably because my grandad used to wear one. 'Nuff said.

    It cracks me up to hear Americans say stuff like 'my fanny hurts' or talk about patting someone on the fanny. The first one is particularly funny when men say it :D

    I'm all for body modification, but damn, that is just not attractive. My piercings are all pretty. Even the scary looking dude who did my last piercing who had tribal tattoos all over his face and a line of dermal anchors down the middle of his shaved head looked kinda cool. But that? Just....no.

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  14. I am anti-fanny pack with the exception of runners. I have a teeny, tiny one that fits tissues and a phone and a key that I use for long runs. In real day to day life though? No. Just no. Whatever you call them, they are bad.

    I want to see that guy in the first picture when he takes all those things out and has floppy ear lobes that hang down to his shoulders and big holes in his nose. That's got to be a scary sight too. Ick.

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  15. I'm horrified that I have to look at that "man's" photo on my home page until one of you lovely ladies saves me and posts another article (I have Twitarded on my iGoogle home page), but I digress.

    My mother-in-law still does the fanny pack thing. 'Nuff said.

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  16. Visible sock garters?? Ugh! I hope I never see that in person. I googled the runners waist band & the climbers one & those aren't so bad as long as you only wear it when you are doing those tasks. I remember having a couple fanny packs as a kid. I felt pretty cool. Now I kind of jut stare horrified if I see someone wearing a "bum bag".

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  17. I have it on good authority from Ms. Jerkface - who is unavailable for comment at this moment (her office IT folks finally wised up and blocked Twitarded) - that fanny packs - or bum packs - are not horrific when being used during exercise-y activities. It's only the wanna-be ironic fucktards who make her all rage-bally.

    [Whew - and now I don't have to burn the little water-bottle-holder-belt-fannypack thingy that is buried somewhere in my closet before I see JJ again. Not that I use it. That would involve exercising...]

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  18. That man must have really clear sinuses. But EWW!

    Canadians call it fanny packs too. (Here fanny meaning butt) My friend when to England for teacher's college and one her her roommates had a yeast infection and kept going on about how much her fanny hurt and my friend was like, "why is your ass hurting?" apparently a very funny moment.

    Any who, even when they were "in style" I made fun of them immensely. My friend even had a mini neon green velcro wrist one in elementary school to hold money and I remember her thinking she was so cool and me making fun of her. My mom was obsessed with the fanny pack a couple of years ago. She wouldn't wear it around her waist though. She'd buckle the loop and throw it over her shoulder. We kept saying how stupid she looked until finally she bought a real purse.

    I have to admit, I did wear one 2 years ago for a few hours. I was doing a 30k race and needed to put snacks/pills/etc in it. But I wore it on my ass, so I feel it was slightly less stupid.

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  19. Had them when I was a kid... in the 80s. Where they belonged. Exceptions: running, okay I can see that. And the flat ones ou wear when you travel so that you don't get mugged. I use those when I travel internationally, but theyre worn under the clothing so I hardly think they count.

    Otherwise... NO!!

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  20. Aaaah I hate hipsters... my theory on them has already been stated. "You are being ironically different, by being ironically different like the dude/chick next to you." Same goes for certain celebs and 'artists'... you being 'different' is just being the same, makes you not cool.

    I wore a fanny pack in the 90s it was hot pink, I thought I was cool. I was 100% the opposite of cool throughout my childhood years. Like @serialcinz friend I also had a velcro on wrist pack... it was neon yellow. SMH

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  21. BTW, this is a moment when slang totally fucks with us. Up until the writing of this post, I had no idea that "fanny" meant "lady bits" in other parts of world.

    Suddenly, a lot of British humor shows make a lot more sense.

    Oh, and fuck the hipsters. I would have said it earlier but it was too mainstream.

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  22. My friend Angela is one of those people that can pull off the craziest of fashions and my friends this girl knows how to rock a fanny pack. She is not a hipster in any way, shape or form it just fits her crazy personality perfectly

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  23. As ridiculous as fanny packs are I made my husband wear one when we took our kids to Disney. I didn't feel like wearing my purse around my neck all day. I made fun of him all day. Lol!

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  24. This explains so much.

    I have a fanny pack.

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    Replies
    1. You get a pass on one, Dangrdafne!! For real! You're not doing it to be ironically fashionable and also you're one of the kindest people I've ever met so it's all good. It's like a karma pass or something. :)

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  25. Ok, I'm in both camps on this one.

    My dad is an insulin dependent diabetic. He has always worn a fanny pack in order to stuff his testing kit, insulin, and glucose tablets (or bag of Skittles if we were lucky). I was mortified growing up because my DAD wore a fanny pack. But seriously, what are dudes supposed to do? Insulin needles & kits have come a long way over the years but back then they were huge. I think I was most bothered by the fact that the God awful fanny pack had some company logo on it and needed a trip through the laundry BAD. Why companies, WHY, would you hand out a fanny pack with your logo on it as free merch?

    My dad tried - briefly - to ditch the fanny pack after he got a younger girlfriend. But then he wore a jacket year round with the pockets stuffed to the gills and that looked pretty bad too.

    He's now mobility impaired and uses a walker. He tried a tote bag for his essentials but with the walker and his already teetery self, the tote bag throws him off balance. The fanny pack has, once again, re-emerged. Cringe.

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