Thursday, March 29, 2012

I Haz a Warm Fuzzy in Ma Belly

Before STY posted "Where Did All the Comments Go?" the other night, I was really struggling to come up with clever, funny shit to say. I was completely down in the dumps and I had no idea why. And then I realized it was because of the slow decline of comments over the past several months. I was convinced Twitter was stealing our mojo -- we were all becoming so completely accustomed to reading 140 characters or less, that the blog would become obsolete. Oh the horror!

I love Twitter but that little blue bird better back the fuck off.

Remember when MTV came on the air in the 1981? Back when they actually played music videos? For most of you, probably not. I had just turned 11 and I thought it was magical. The first song played was the Buggles' "Video Killed the Radio Star"... Seriously, I was about ready to write my own anthem... "Twitter Killed the Twitarded Blog".

But I digress.

Now that I see that you all haven't gone anywhere and you are still here and you are still reading and you just don't have the time to comment, it really gave me such a warm fuzzy feeling in my belly that I haven't had in quite a while. You'd be surprised how motivating comments can be. It makes us strive to be better, to write funny shit (although I seem to be failing tonight), and to tell you stories. Whether it be Twilight-related or poop-related, we want to share (for better or for worse!). I write for a baseball blog that doesn't get any comments save for the co-writers and frankly, it depresses the shit out of me.

Funny, this is exactly what I pictured warm fuzzies to look like. I haz some.

My warm fuzzies were almost the cause of a serious case of stalking another Twilight fan this afternoon on my way home from work. This isn't the first time I've seen this particular fellow commuter...

I was behind a car with several Twilight-related stickers on the back -- "Dazzled", "Be Safe" (of course), and "La Tua Cantante". It made me smile. And then it made me wonder. Was this a reader of Twitarded? Is this you? Do you drive a gray Ford Taurus with aforementioned stickers? I was thisclose to hopping out of my car at the stop sign and banging on your window. But I thought that might be weird. Or scary. And I know there are lots of Mainers who carry weapons in the car. And we normally shoot first, and ask questions later, ifyouknowwhatImean. I didn't really need my face shot off today.

So I've decided to be prepared the next time. When I approach a strange car with evidence of a Twilight fan on board, I shall approach slowly while holding the following sign in my outstretched hands. Hopefully it will be seen as a sign of peace, love and Edward Cullen.

Has this happened to you too? Did you act on your impulse to track that person down and declare them your new best friend? Have you ever sidled up to someone at the Twilighty shelf in Target and mumbled "Twitarded" under your breath just to see if you get a flash of recognition? If you need to borrow my sign, go ahead. Or we could make buttons!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Daughter of Smoke and Bone - A Must Read!!

Like most things, the first time I heard about Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor, it was on Twitter. Specifically, it was Myg gushing about how amazing this book is holyshit everyone needs to read it right the fuck now (I'm paraphrasing here. <--Not really, that was pretty much what I said. But I did say it over and over and over again. ~Myg).

There are some people who, when they suggest I go read something, I immediately do so without question. Myg is one of them.

Unfortunately for me, when I read her tweet on my phone,  I was stuck in the Austin airport and couldn't get a signal on my Kindle to save my life, which meant I couldn't download the mother fucking story right then and there.

It was also unfortunate for the mother of the little girl walking by at the moment who now knows a whole new vocabulary of swear words. The little girl, not the mother. Years later, when she's in high school or college, someone is going to throw out dog-cunt-licking-mother-whorebag-fart-fucker and that little girl will remember the strange woman who smelled like whiskey and looked like she hadn't slept in days.


You must read this book. It is, by far, one of the most captivating and well-written stories I've read in a very long time. It's a love story, yes. But it's so, so much more.

The premise (snatched right from Amazon)

Around the world, black handprints are appearing on doorways, scorched there by winged strangers who have crept through a slit in the sky.

In a dark and dusty shop, a devil's supply of human teeth grown dangerously low.

And in the tangled lanes of Prague, a young art student is about to be caught up in a brutal otherwordly war.

Meet Karou. She fills her sketchbooks with monsters that may or may not be real; she's prone to disappearing on mysterious "errands"; she speaks many languages--not all of them human; and her bright blue hair actually grows out of her head that color. Who is she? That is the question that haunts her, and she's about to find out.

When one of the strangers--beautiful, haunted Akiva--fixes his fire-colored eyes on her in an alley in Marrakesh, the result is blood and starlight, secrets unveiled, and a star-crossed love whose roots drink deep of a violent past. But will Karou live to regret learning the truth about herself?

Taken from HERE

The characters are beautifully fleshed out and real, in all their demonic (or angelic) glory. Karou is a quirky seventeen year old who manages to be completely otherworldly but somehow familiarly typical. Her "family" is as loving as they are terrifying. Most of all, it takes the age-old story of good vs. evil and turns it on its head and asks the question, "can love survive either?"

It's mystery and mythology, love and hate, good and evil... all wrapped up in one amazingly addicting package. 

So go!! Check out Daughter of Smoke and Bone!

Myg here. I just have to chime in to say I first read about this book at Swoontini. If you don't visit Swoontini often, please rectify that and follow @lolozilla and @seeCwrite. Swoontini is a blog on Young Adult lit, and trust me, they know what you like. 

I'd always meant to read Daughter of Smoke and Bone because Lo went nuts for it in the fall, but I never got around to it. Once I picked it up I could not put it down for an entire weekend. You know the deal, dishes piled in the sink, laundry thrown all over the floor, kids eating Cheerios for dinner--twice. The characters are complex and strong, the world is rich and compelling. The good news is that this is a trilogy! The bad news is that this is the first book, and the next won't be out until November, last I heard. But don't let that stop you from reading now, because you'll probably want to read it again (and then maybe again) before November. So what are you still hanging out here for? Go, go, go! Oh, and follow @lainitaylor on Twitter too, because she's so swell and because she named her daughter Clementine Pie, and who doesn't love pie? 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Where Did All the Comments Go?

In the beginning, JJ would write a post and I would leave a comment. Then I would write a post and JJ would leave a comment. Sometimes we would leave each other multiple comments, since nobody else was throwing in their two cents. And it was good. Later, other people stumbled across our blog and they left comments, too. And we rejoiced. Life was good. Years passed. And as often happens, things changed.

We expected a decline at some point, truly. People move on, things change, all good things must come to an end, yada yada yada.

But what I am really trying to say here is that all of us - Jenny Jerkface, Latchkey Wife, Texas Katherine, and yours truly are all bummed about the lack of comments lately. Really. We've started wondering if it was us - did we do something? Too many fart jokes? Not enough Twilight? Is this the beginning of the end of our community?

We just want you to know that your comments matter. YOU MATTER. The community matters. Really, really matters. Please don't ever think that you don't. If you think we don't read your comments or don't look forward to them, you are sorely mistaken. Your comments motivate us to keep writing. They are like Christmas morning and sunshine and puppies and all that good shit that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy all wrapped up together (except for your comments, random trolls - you are more like Mondays and hairballs and other icky things).

And remember, every time someone reads the blog and doesn't leave a comment, Jenny Jerkface kills a kitten. 

Don't let THIS be your fault!

As we've said since we started this blog back in 2009 - Comments are our life now. Leave one! Save the kittens!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Team Switzerland

Here at Twitarded HQ, we are usually sloooooow to report anything. We actually bandied about the name "Yesterday's Gossip" as a new blog title for a while, but decided "yesterday" was not even close to accurate and "Four Month's Ago's Gossip" didn't have the same ring. Considering our glacial pace, coupled with our tendency to be oblivious to pretty much everything happening in the world, it is really a wonder we have anything to blog about at all. (Let's not even talk about our attention-deficit—Ohmahgawd the shiny thing over there! Let's go see what it is!)

You, dear readers, clearly know this about us and have been sending us quite a few links to the news stories about the Fifty Shades novels, making the safe assumption we are unaware of the hullabaloo.  Shockingly, we have been privy to the latest news on that front, and our official Twitarded stance is... (wait for it) ... We are Team Switzerland.

I was going to put up a pic of the Swiss flag, but then it looked like we were Team Red Cross, and that didn't make any damn sense. Then I was going to post a pic from The Sound of Music, but that looked like we were aiming for Team Nazi, and we don't need that kind of trouble. Google says those are the Swiss Alps and I believe them. Because the internet does not lie. 

We like our quiet, drama-free little corner of the fandom (save for the *cough*panties*cough*, natch). A lot of people have a lot of strong opinions on the matter, and we'd like to stay out of the melee. The end. 

This is where a television show would insert a musical interlude. I can't do that, so here is a link for instructions on how to make your own dental dam. Don't question it. Just go with it. It's a little Martha Stewart meets Macgyver meets Ron Jeremy. It's also decidedly NSFW unless you work in an adult toy store or make amateur porn in your garage for a living.

Get out your crafting scissors and let's discuss.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Screw Peeta and Gale, I'm Team Katniss! [Spoiler Free]

So I finally made it to the movies this afternoon to see The Hunger Games. By myself. I actually don't mind seeing movies alone. It's not like you can chat with the person you go with during the movie so what's the difference. If you do chat during the movie, you deserve to have fire ants poured into your undergarments. Just sayin.

Um... this picture came up when I Googled "going to movies alone". Is someone trying to tell me something?

The bad part about going solo is when you get sandwiched between two 11-year-old boys. One was breathing like Darth Vader and had a serious jimmy leg. I felt like I was sitting in one of those vibrating massage chairs...unwillingly. And the other one was just weird. I'm not sure why I was so shocked at all the little boys in the theater. But I guess all that violence does make it appealing to them.

Ever since I finished these books, I've always called myself Team Gale. I think Peeta is a pussy and I really have no interest in him. Gale seems more manly and he hunts and shit so I like him. Plus, he actually looks like he could give Katniss a good fight. I feel like she could squash Peeta with her left tit if she wanted to. After watching the movie, I've decided to say "fuck it" to the two dudes. I'm Team Katniss.

Despite his association with Miley Virus, I still think he's sort of yummy.

It's quite simple. Katniss kicks fucking ass. And Jennifer Lawrence did an amazing job bringing the character to life. Just like her Oscar-nominated role of Ree from Winter's Bone, she had to be both nurturing and tough as nails all wrapped up in one package. That ain't easy. She's a survivor (what?), she's not goin' give up (what?), she not goin' stop (what?), she goin' work harder (what?). Whoa, sorry... the ghost of Destiny's Child just possessed my brain.

She will survive!

In my humble opinion (and if I had a daughter), I'd much rather see her use Katniss Everdeen as a role model than that stumbling, mumbling Bella Swan. Sure it might mean she offs a classmate with her stellar bow and arrow skills, but fuck it, betcha a million bucks she'd never get bullied. Thank you Suzanne Collins for creating such an ass-kicking female character.

Learn archery. Don't get bullied.

I'll be doing a more in-depth review after I've seen it a second time (hopefully not flanked by heavy breathing, pre-adolescent boys.) I just had to get this off my chest.

Team Katniss - we have cookies!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Pronunciation IS Important...

It all started with ML and I arguing about the pronunciation of Bon Iver. And it ended there too. No, seriously, that was all it took.

We started going through every single one they had to offer and forty minutes later we were still rolling on the floor. It's called pronunciationmanual and it's hysterical. Each clip is a mere eight seconds long, but you'll be laughing for at least another eight minutes after that. Want another one? I thought so.


Fan of Carson Daly, whoever the fuck he is? Here you go.

I know, I know. It sounds stupid. But trust me. Go here and hit PLAY ALL and you'll be laughing your ass OFF. I swear. Happy Friday, my lovely twatwaffles.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Cosmopolis Teaser Sneak-Peek! *fans self*

I'll be honest - I haven't been paying a lot of attention to things on the Cosmopolis front. I've been slacking. From the get-go, I was a little unenthusiastic about the whole thing. Jenny Jerkface never set-stalked Rob like she did during Remember Me. Fine, fine - so it wasn't filmed near her or possibly in this country - whatevs! Regardless, I am pretty sure that Dean has her photo tattooed on the inside of his eyelids and has sworn a blood oath to keep her away from The Precious and his trailer. Also? Cosmopolis left him with that fuckackta haircut that I refuse to speak of further.

 In my mind, his hair still looks like this.

As of today, however, Cosmopolis has my full & undivided attention. Or at least the attention of 2% of my brain that my job hasn't sucked the life out of this week. Ladies, that 2% is REALLY FUCKING EXCITED.

In a pseudo-unfortunate series of events, I didn't see the link that norcaltwitard had helpfully sent to us on Twitter last night until late this morning. When I was already at work. Which is what I get for waiting until I get to the office to check in. So if your employer isn't cool with a little bit of tit, you might want to watch this at home. But just WATCH IT! I did. Multiple times. At my desk. A little nip never hurt anyone, that's what I always say...


Sadly, it appears that we don't have a release date here in the states yet. Naturally. But how hard could it possibly be to move to France? Anyone? Hello? Packer?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Survival: You're Doing It Wrong

We had a mega storm blow through here a couple of days ago. ("Here" being from Mexico to Canada.) Normally I would just be really annoyed about a potential power outage or sketchy satellite reception. This time...I was panicked. I'm not really sure why. It could be because we still haven't finished unpacking and have about thirty-ish unlabeled boxes sitting in the extra bedroom and I am CERTAIN they contain many items I can't live without. Also, I gutted the pantry when we moved. Even though I only got rid of items that had exceeded their shelf life and random food stuffs that looked soooo good in the grocery store when I shopped on an empty stomach, (I'm looking at you, fancy soup that tasted like duck vomit.) it still makes me hyperventilate to open a near-empty pantry.

I really need to go grocery shopping and I was trying to figure out how to make a quick dinner out of taco seasoning, three slices of bread, Cheerios, and sea salt. That's when it hit me that if we had a storm lasting more than a few hours we would have a Donner party situation on our hands. I would never admit it to Mr. TK, but I was secretly limbering up and positioning myself near the gun safe. Someone was going to have to take one for the team, and it wasn't going to be me.

Brings a whole new meaning to "when the going gets tough..."

I used to be so good about keeping extra food in the house. I even kept a backup stash of non perishables in the guest bedroom closet back in the day. That tradition started after an ice storm left us stranded in the house for four days straight with no food. You can only eat so many Saltines and breath mints before you start to hallucinate. So, I started keeping some extra food in a closet that was for emergencies only. A smart person would have rotated out the items when they neared their expiration date. I am not a smart person. When it came time to break into our emergency stash, I no longer had boxes of breakfast bars and cans of tuna, but instead, a bedroom that smelled like an old dead hooker. Thus, the habit of storing extra food ended.

I think I've let the pendulum swing a little bit too far in the other direction, because it was not looking good this week. I had no food that could be found on any known food pyramid and our emergency supplies were low. I tossed the first aid kit a while back when the latch on the case broke and caused me to spill all 9,567,321 items across the bathroom floor when all I really wanted was one Band-Aid. Our homemade first aid kit now consists of a few bandages and several tiny liquor bottles. It saves space and is much more practical.

I know we have some hurricane lamps somewhere, but they must be in one of the unlabeled boxes. I used to have tons of scented candles that I rotated out according to season. Those were banned by Mr. TK after we lost power a couple of years ago and he started puking from the vanilla-lemon-pumpkin pie-apple spice-cotton candy combination. All was not lost though. I found the treasure trove of power outage supplies, er, supply.

Huzzah! We are saved!

The real terror hit when I realized both of our phones were about to die. I think we would last about 3.5 minutes without iPhones before we started reenacting scenes from Lord of the Flies. At least we have the iPad... Except that I forgot to charge that the night before. Oh well, the MacBook would still work... If the cats hadn't knocked the cord out while it was charging.

Shit was getting real. I didn't think we would make it through the night at this rate. Heaven forbid an actual disaster happens while I'm this ill-prepared. Without a doubt, I would be in the first wave of casualties. Thankfully the storm blew past us without any major inconvenience. I have learned a huge lesson from all of this: I am clearly not responsible enough to shepherd my family through a spring shower, let alone the impending zombie apocalypse.

Does anyone have any weather survival tips? More importantly, does anyone have any milk because I still haven't gone to the store?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Have You Seen the New SWatH Trailer?

As I sat riveted to The Voice last night (yes I watch it so stfu), they teased me mercilessly with promises of a sneak peek at Snow White and the Huntsman which opens on June 1st. I think I've mentioned before how fucking excited I am to see this movie. (Apparently I'm not the only one.) And not just because Kristen Stewart plays a bad ass, sword swinging Snow White. Nope. I'm most exited to see Charlize Theron as the uber diabolical, soul sucking Evil Queen Ravenna.

 If you missed it, take a look at the new and improved trailer:


I think the article at said it best, "this new trailer of SWatH is so full of delicious action and mesmerizing imagery that once upon a time never looked so here and now." I'm not going to lie, I had chills people. Real goosebump-covered arms. Which I'm sure was mostly from the scary-ass shit that happens in this trailer. I'm not sure it was quite as scary as the dolls I came across last weekend at a creepy antique junk barn, but it was pretty freaking creepy. You've got to swing a mean sword to survive in this world.

She would make an excellent zombie killer.

The extended trailer gives us more of a taste of KStew as Snow -- and she actually does have a speaking role. And do I detect a hint of an English accent? I'm anxious to see how well she pulls that off -- errr, maybe she had a good *cough* coach *cough*? Despite whether or not she can believably deliver her lines, one thing is for certain: it looks like she's going to kick some major fucking ass.

I could go on and on about how Charlize Theron is going to tear this role up. She scares me. Like straight up makes me quake in my boots. The deepness of her voice, the slow deliberate delivery of her lines, and her obvious deranged mind -- I haven't been this afraid of her since her role in Monster.

And let's not forget her amazingly awesome wardrobe...

And look, I almost went the entire post without mentioning a hot guy. Oh yeah, the Huntsman. He is mentioned in the movie title but his part seems so minuscule from the trailer. I'd like to invite him to my dark forest...

Errr... yum.

If you think this trailer is sensational, then take a look at this 5 minute sneak peak from Xfinity. Total spoiler alert -- it actually does show a full-ish scene from the movie so if you're keeping yourself pure for the movie, you may want to skip this. But I recommend not.

Chills, people. Chills.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Conquered by SXSW - Music Recommendations - Part One

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that SXSW 2012 was possibly my best SXSW experience to date. We managed to see a great amount of really amazingly talented bands.

On Friday, I did a quick post on Noah Gundersen, who was definitely the highlight of this year's festivities for me. Not only did he give me chills, he silenced a bar. I mean, straight up silenced a crowded mother fucking bar. People were sitting on the floor, beers forgotten, mouths agape, totally enraptured with his performance.

I'm kind of in love with this picture so I'm posting it again.

It blew my mind.

Though he might have been my favorite live show of the week, there were quite a few more who put on some fantastic shows and really brought all their talents and creativity to the forefront of their performances.

Of Monsters and Men - This band hails from Iceland and their indie/folk sound was both very original and very captivating. With dual vocals and great deal of instruments ranging from percussion and guitars to the glockenspiel, they're songs are full and heavy with emotion.

They're so good, I actually found myself dancing a little when they played Little Talks.

And I never dance.

Futurebirds - Not only are these guys tight and talented musicians (somehow that just sounds dirty to me but whatever), they also put on an incredibly energetic and lively show. There is something about watching a band who looks like they are truly enjoying themselves on stage that makes it that much more fun to see.

Steeped in a country-rock style, Futurebirds add some great reverb and distortion, bringing a whole new sound to a somewhat old-style kind of rock. Throw in some amazing three and four-part harmonies and a ton of energy and these guys captured the essence of what live music (or music in general) is really about.

I have seen Futurebirds at least four times now and strongly suggest you check them out. It'll be worth it.

Bass Drum of Death - Admittedly, when I was making my schedule for SXSW, this band caught my eye with their name. I had only heard one song before I saw them play at the Aquarium Drunkard show but I was insanely impressed with them.

They somehow manage to put together a gritty, garage-band punk-esque style with a mild surfer undertone and it's a great combination, full of fast beats and manic riffs, accompanied by some occasionally snarling vocals.

There you have it! For now, anyway. I'm still in the process of recuperating from a week-long party and trying to make sense of my drunken (and occasionally beer-soaked) notes. There will more reviews later on.

As always, if any of you went to SXSW, please let us know what you saw!! Or, if you just really like a band or musician, tell us about it in the comments. Let's spread the wealth!!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Twitarded Product Junkie Review

I'm an unapologetic product junkie. I beat the snot out of my dyed hair on a daily basis with hairdryers and flattening irons, and am always searching for a product that will magically give me shiny, healthy-looking locks and not leave me with a mop of fried straw on my head.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a bit of a hair-related meltdown and decided that an emergency trip to the store for new shampoo and conditioner was in order. Actually, Mr. Snarky encouraged this outing despite the fact that he is acutely aware that the ratio of my products to his in the shower is approximately 15:1, so my desperation must have been pretty apparent. And frightening.

At times like these, I enter into a "money is no object" state that I neither approve of nor can realistically afford. Regardless, I found myself at the drugstore cash register approximately thirty minutes later, willing the cashier to go faster before Mr. Snarky appeared. 

In my defense, the expensive stuff - Bumble and Bumble Creme de Coco - is something I'd been coveting since before I went to Forks last year. When I was buying travel-size things I came thisclose to buying the mini-size set (shampoo, conditioner, and a couple of styling products), but it was ridiculously overpriced and I was saving my money for overpriced drinks in Seattle.

But this time? NEEDED IT. I'd heard good things, plus it smelled divine. Which is a huge plus for me. I hate the way almost everything smells - perfume-y things drive me nuts. I spend a serious amount of time sniffing bottles before plunking down my money, even though this makes me look like more of a crazy lady than usual. But one whiff of this made my knees weak. I was done for, cost be damned.

Making my way to the cash register, I came across a possible back-up - something new and thankfully less extravagant that I'd wanted to try, and in my flawed (but enabling) logic I convinced myself that buying more stuff would actually offset the price of the Bumble and Bumble splurge.

Turns out that my rationalizing paid off, since ultimately the cheaper stuff worked better (and I'm not the only one who thought so).
This? LOVE. I haven't tried the deep-conditioning mask yet, but it's on my list. As soon as I free up a spot for it in the shower. Or take over Mr. Snarky's shelf. He won't mind. Much.

Even better? The shampoo came with a sample packet of this -

...which I adore and have since purchased a full-size bottle. Well played, Organix. Well played.

The Bumble and Bumble shampoo is pretty great, but the conditioner is a disappointment, and for the price, someone should show up at my house every day and give me a scalp massage while it works. Overall, the combination didn't leave my hair feeling substantially less straw-y. Especially since I can buy the Organix shampoo, conditioner, the styling oil, and the mask for the cost of ONE bottle of the Bumble and Bumble (did I mention it was obscenely expensive and I was desperate when I bought it?) AND it left my texturally- challenged hair feeling super smooth and silky, without weighing it down.

So what are your fave splurges and secret so-cheap-but-it-works haircare weapons? Spill it in the comments! There's always room for one more bottle on the shelf...

Friday, March 16, 2012

A Music Recommendation - The SXSW Drive-By Post

Hi! So, I decided that maybe I shouldn't have totally ditched my co-bloggy-hobags for SXSW this week and decided to be nice and write a post for you.

But mostly I'm writing this because holyshit y'all (hey, I'm in Texas) must check out this musician. Like, yesterday.

His name is Noah Gundersen and I ventured down to the Side Bar on 7th St. to see him play today.  Seriously, I have seen hundreds of shows and I have never, ever gotten goosebumps.

Until today.

 I think I might have cried a little during this show...

I'll elaborate more on this when I return but trust me when I say that his set was emotionally intense and absolutely beautiful.

So go here and check him out!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

If I Could Turn Back Time... No, Really.

If you live in one of the 48 states that participates in the barbaric ritual of Daylight Saving Time, you know what I'm talking about. Sunday morning we set our clocks back an hour for no reason that I deem legitimate. I hate this time of year with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. Hate. It. It's the same scenario every year.

10:00pm "Self, you should really go to bed now because you know you're getting an hour of your life robbed tonight."

11:00pm "I should sleep now, but I'm EXTRA SUPER WIDE AWAKE and I might as well watch this documentary mini series on the history of paperweights because I've already invested two of the four hours."

1:00am "Still. Not. Sleepy."

3:00am "I think the painters missed a spot on the ceiling."


 This is my exact reaction to any alarm in the morning.

I'd forgotten what it was like to have a baby when the time changes. Baby TK usually sleeps pretty well at night, but by Sunday night she was so jacked up that it was SUPER HAPPY FUN PLAY TIME from 1:00am until 5:00am. After I placed her in her crib and was tiptoeing back to bed, thanking all the gods that I'd at least get one hour of sleep, my cell phone alarm went off. Damn all the things!! I'd forgotten to fix the time on my nightstand clock and 5:00am was really 6:00am. No sleep for the wicked. I still hate the universe.

 This. So much.

Of course I'd forgotten to wash my clothes and get Mr. TK to put gas in my car. By 8:00am I was ready to tie Monday to a tree and put a bullet in its head.

Tuesday came and went in much the same fashion. Baby TK's sleep schedule is still jacked up, I'm drooling on myself from exhaustion, and the universe is still on my shit list.

Wednesday brought a new chapter to my love / hate relationship with dairy. I love cheese. It hates me. The only thing that could really cap off this week is shitting my pants at my desk. That almost happened.

I always picture Lee Corso in my tummy when I try to sneak cheese in. That's totally normal, right?

Today I managed to stagger out of my house wearing my pool shoes. I'm thirty mumble mumble years old and I forgot to put on shoes before I went out in public. This wouldn't be that bid of a deal, except my boss' boss' boss' boss and his boss (follow that?) were in town and we were supposed to look... not like we usually do. Sweeping bird flip to the universe.

Tomorrow is Friday. It has to be better, right? How can losing one tiny hour ruin everyone's lives? Don't pretend you weathered the storm with grace. I was only on Twitter for a second on Monday, but I saw your tweets. "Fuck this day in the face." "This day can just go ahead and fuck itself to death." "I want Daylight Saving Time to DIAF." Ok, some of those tweets were mine.  I've resolved to move to Arizona or Hawaii in the next 360-ish days. How much do you hate this time of year? If you're from someplace that gets a pass on Daylight Saving Time, you're only allowed to comment if you don't gloat.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Uh Oh! UK Radio Station Makes Slashy Boo-boo

I recently read an article about a radio station in the UK that inadvertently played nearly three minutes of a gay porn soundtrack over the airwaves. Now I'm thinking if this station was an alternative type station or one that was already considered controversial in format, it probably wouldn't have been that bad. They could've passed it off as a tasteless stunt. But it wasn't. This radio station played light jazz, standards and occasionally blues. I'm sure moaning and thrusting was not what these listeners expected when they tuned into their favorite radio station.

I hope that wasn't Kevin in the recording. Grandma might have a heart attack.

Of course my warped little mind could only think of my fanfiction-addicted friends...more specifically, my slash-fic-loving friends. You know who you are! As I listened to the sound bite (um, I had to... for research), I could only think of what good background it would make for all those boysecks-y fics out there. Imagine it's Edward and Jasper... Edward and Jacob (*gag, vomit*) or my dream boy-on-boy duo, Edward and Riley. It could be just about anyone!

Let's record this and hope one day it accidentally ends up on the radio!*

How long will it take someone to pair this with some hot photos and videos and make an award-winning video?

Take a listen and let your imagination run wild.... definitely NSFW!!

Who do you picture this sweaty twosome to be in your dirty Twi-slashy-fic mind?

*Photo from here.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Green Jeans Saga

I'd love for this to be something important and meaningful like The Bloggess's Red Dress dealie, but sadly I am not that awesome and this is more of a self-centered "Hey, can I pull this look off??? I need your advice!" sort of situation that I am laying out here...

I've always been pretty boring conservative when it comes to clothes. I may have experimented a little bit in college (for better or for worse) - my favorite outfit was a vintage pair of men's silk pajama bottoms tailored into shorts, a tee, and Doc Martens - but my wardrobe in my current faux-grown-up state is decidedly free of color (and style). It's mainly black, gray, black, black, and black, with a little bit of black thrown in for color. I'd include blue here but jeans don't really count color-wise and my favorite jeans are gray anyway. Honestly, the only reason I even mix black, gray and maybe the occasional off-white piece (if I am feeling daring) together is because it's not possible to pair jeans/pants, a shirt, and a sweater that are all the exact same shade of black.

Every once in a while, I buy something that is outside of my comfort zone. Or some well-intentioned person gifts me out of my comfort zone with a bright-red fuzzy coat. A silk sundress with a vibrant pattern. A pair of ballet flats in snakeskin-embossed metallic lavender. Most of the time this stuff languishes in the back of my closet before being sucked into the black hole known as "the Goodwill-bound hefty bag," but I am working on it.

Enter the green jeans. I was lurking on Myg's Pinterest page a few weeks ago, coveting the things that a person with some sense of actual style has flagged as cool, when I saw them...

  Me some, please!

I'd been considering a pair of red jeans for while, and the green just seemed so...fresh. Maybe it's a spring thing - they just looked right to me. Like they were exactly the dose of color I needed to wrest me out of my winter blahs. I hemmed and hawed and pestered Myg for a while about the possibility of taking a trip to Urban Outfitters. After pining away for them for weeks, I finally plunked down my credit card - virtually - one night in a combination of wine-fueled gusto and I-just-got-my-tax-return-money-and-I-deserve-this exuberance.

Then I waited.

I didn't have to wait long. They showed up a day or two later and I nearly tackled the UPS guy as he exited his truck. I ran inside, clawed open the box, pushed aside the packaging material which protected the fragile denim from some imaginary danger, and...BOOM! I had to shield my eyes to protect them from the sheer intensity of the green fabric I found there. Let's just say that they are a tad brighter in person than they appear on the website. Less hunter green, more Easter-basket-grass green. Not neon - I'm not going there! - but let's just say that they are very, very VERY not gray or black.

Oh sure they photograph like THIS not-so-bright color...

...but they are more like THIS color in person.

I promptly stuffed them in the closet so that I could think about it. I'd show you how much they stand out in my sea-of-black closet, but then I'd have to show you what a wreck my closet is at the moment (plus you would all find out where I stash my mountains of Twilighty stuff). Anyway, since then, I have tried them on. More than once. A lot more than once. They fit like they were made for me. Which might just be a cruel tease, since I can't decide if I could ever see myself wearing them out of the house, and really, they were too expensive to immediately take their place amongst the category of clothes that I should probably get rid of but promise myself I'll only wear around the house or when cleaning.

For starters, I can't decide if there's some "life's-too-short-to-only-wear-black/gray" reason that I should be pushing myself to wear something that will make me feel like everyone is staring at me saying "holy fucking shit, wft is she wearing?!" every time I walk out the door. Even though I live near a college in a town with a pretty eccentric population and I'd probably have to go bounding into the grocery store wearing a vinyl jumpsuit and a gimp mask to  really garner that much genuine interest in my outfit.  

Also? And somewhat more perplexing?  I have absolutely no idea what to wear with them. It seems like a black t-shirt isn't going to cut it here. For once. I've already purchased a couple of shirts, a sweater, and two pairs of shoes (flats - no way I am wearing the humongo concrete-block-size shoes all the models in skinny jeans wear on the UO website) in an effort to make this work, but so far everything I've tried has made me feel like I am in over my head and should just return the whole damn lot.

So if you are one of those people who frequents Polyvore and knows how to put clothes together, I need your help. Stat. Links to possible outfits in the comments, please!! Because I only have another couple of days to decide if I'm keeping these dang things or taking them back to Urban Outfitters and mumbling something to the 18-year-old cashier about how they didn't fit my imaginary daughter as she refunds my money and I run screaming to Talbots, head hung in defeat defeat. Please don't let that happen.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Bel Ami – The Quick and Dirty Review by Chloe Cougar

Helloooo twat-waffles! As some of you are no doubt aware, our boy made a chaste, rated-G movie called "Bel Ami" a while ago. While those of us in the States are still having a hissy fit due to the lack of a concrete release date, Twitards around the globe are rejoicing as it becomes available in their markets. This might make up - at least a little - for how long some of our international peeps have to wait to see the next installment of the Twilight Saga in theaters or on dvd. But still, stop gloating people - it's very unseemly, and you know we are nothing if not prim and proper here in these parts. *ahem*

Anyhoo, Chloe Cougar--one of our Twitarded besties--kindly agreed to write a review for us, since she managed to see Bel Ami when it opened in the UK last week. Oh, and she saw it not once but twice. TWICE. Not that I am jealous or anything... I'm going to go have a temper-tantrum in the basement... Or maybe go drink cocktails with little umbrellas in them until I feel better... In the meantime, take it away, CC!


I’m sure it hasn’t gone unnoticed by you lovely h00rs that today has been a special day over
here in the UK. But in case you missed it, I’ll remind you. You see:

Today, Bel Ami opened in movie theatres across our little nation -

 Temptation. Seduction. Obsession. The Boy’s naked butt…thrusting…

Now before you all lambast me for being shallow, I must tell you that I have actually read the
book (and can thoroughly recommend it, btw). But I will openly admit that I wouldn’t have
spared this movie a second glance, had it not been for a certain someone playing the title

Let me tell you, he doesn’t disappoint!

 Why is it that this still always reminds me of the Details photoshoot?

I have to admit that I don’t fully understand why this movie hasn’t yet been released
elsewhere—I mean, just check out the stellar cast!

Christina Ricci is adorable as Clotilde, Kristin Scott Thomas is superb as the simpering older
woman and Uma Thurman is gravelly-voiced and calculating.

The Boy, well, what can I say? One of the best things BY FAR for me is the fact that
we get to hear his British accent again. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against him
playing ‘American’ roles, but his voice seems to have a completely different cadence when
he speaks in his native tongue. And at one point he growls. HE GROWLS!!! *fans self*

But of course, what I’m sure you all REALLY want to know about the sex scenes….

 Take a look at these three lucky ladies. Because he beds them all. Gah!

By far the hottest scene in the movie is pretty much right at the beginning—and it’s not with
any of the women above!

When Georges Duroy (The Boy’s character) is given some coins with which to buy clothing,
he does what any red-blooded ex-cavalryman would do—he spends some of the money
on a prostitute. We’re given a brief but graphic shot of a naked Georges having his wicked
way with ‘a woman of the night’ in his seedy, grimy room. It’s fast. It’s fleeting. But definitely
shamwow-worthy (and no, I don’t think he’s got a hairy arse, but I was somewhat distracted!
). This scene will henceforth be known by me as ‘The Quick and Dirty’ one

The other sex scenes are more implied—that is, all except one, which I actually found quite
uncomfortable to watch. Madeleine Forestier (Uma Thurman), whom Georges weds at one
point, almost plays him at his own game, turning the tables and practically raping him just so
that she can get on with her work. I mean, how could she? Doesn’t she know he’s meant to
be worshipped? (Oops, I digress. Sorry, got a little side-tracked there…)

Actually, that brings me to another point… The Boy’s character is meant to be a scheming,
devious seducer, intent on making his way into money by any means possible—and he
does. But I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him a lot of the time. Clearly, there is no hope for
me. Nope. None at all…

All in all, Bel Ami is a fantastic movie—and I just KNOW you’re going to love it!


GAH - are you as jealous as I am right now??? Are you DYING to see this??? If nothing else, think of the diiiirty fan-made video possibilities once we get our smutty mitts on all this NekkidPatts footage (I'm lookin' at you, Biel!) - woot!

Update: Magnolia Films has announced that Bel Ami will be available On Demand in the US on May 4th, and will be released in theaters on June 8th. Pretty sure that will kill their box office revenue, but at least we'll get to see it finally! Thanks to ROBsessed for the update!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

A Big Thank You a Little Late... Of Course

I think I need to come up with some kind of t-shirt-able (that's a word now) catch phrase about how I can't seem to do anything in a remotely timely manner. It doesn't help that 2012 has brought plagues of biblical proportions to our house. We've had the flu, various stomach viruses, colds, strep throat and a wicked para-influenza virus. It's just like the flu, but...not.

Regardless, I owe a number of people a GIANT thank you. A few months back, Baby TK came into the world, not with a whimper, but with a bang. I went into the hospital for your standard perfectly normal, blindingly painful delivery. Before I even had time to wrestle the back of my gaping hospital gown closed things went to shit. I'll spare you the details, but Baby TK and I played "Who Can Flatline More?" She won. When I was finally settled into my room and ready to sink into a depression so deep it had no bottom, I realized I had at least fifty thousand texts and e-mails from JJ, STY, LKW, Myg, Vitamin R, Donnersun, Suzspetals, Moijojojo, and Anntastic all basically saying "WHAT'S GOING ON?!!!!" and "We're thinking about you."even before they knew anything was wrong.

They followed up with me daily for weeks, particularly when the outlook for Baby TK was very grim. I don't think they'll ever know how much they helped me hold onto the tiny shred of sanity I possess.

Baby TK at about a week old when I finally got to hold her.

I'd be remiss if I did not thank CullenaryCurser and Stephk0525 for letting me spout off a whole bunch of medical mumbo jumbo in my Percocet (and various other drugs) haze and somehow making sense of it. They are super sweet ladies who are hella smart to boot. Let's not forget Shoewhoreninja who just let me ramble and bitch and moan on the phone, and never once said "Bitch, I don't have kids; I can't relate."

I can never say thank you enough to JenCokeley who was up at the hospital about five seconds after she heard the baby was in the NICU and gave me the best hug ever. She didn't complain at all about having to scrub all the skin off her hands and arms before being allowed into NICU. I don't know how doctors and nurses do that every day.

Christmas in the NICU. No fun.

I know a lot of other people inquired about Baby TK and I was just too tired and too drugged to respond. The sentiment was definitely appreciated and my apologies to anyone I ignored. Baby TK is doing great now, but I'm just starting to get my head above water with all the doctor followups and paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork. I think we get a free toaster after two more doctor visits.

Baby TK now. Yes, that flower is larger than her head. What of it?

I might have started out with a point to this post, but I got lost somewhere around the middle. Nonetheless, I just wanted to say a general thank you to this little corner of the fandom. I really don't remember what life was like before this crazy blog and Twitter brought us all together. Mwah!

Friday, March 9, 2012

The Hunger Games - It's Almost Here!!!

It's no secret that I am stupidly excited to see The Hunger Games movie. I can barely wait for it to come out and I have the premiere date marked in bold on my Hunger Games calendar at work.

All my The Hunger Games addicted coworkers are so jealous of me. 

I don't think I've been this excited for a movie since Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn came to the big screen.

Naturally, I've been a total spoiler whore, gobbling up any still or clip I can get my hands on. So when I found this one, I nearly pooped myself in excitement.

When they announced the cast at the beginning, I hated the fact that they cast Lenny Kravitz as Cinna but the more I see clips of him, the more amazing I think he's going to be.

Soon, my friends. Soon. I already have tickets to see it in NYC on March 23rd. My coworker pre-ordered them for all of us. I'm such a traitor.

Of course, I'll be seeing it again with the rest of the Twitarded crew. Over and over again.

So, tell me -- are you ladies ready for the reaping?

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Concert Review: Rockin' Out to the Black Keys

I'm going to come right out and say it... I had never even heard of the Black Keys until I heard them on the Eclipse soundtrack. Yup, I pretty much live under a big giant rock in the music world. I really liked the song Chop and Change but never did anymore digging to see what this band was all about. But then I started hearing them more and more on my local alternative station and I kinda got hooked. And I still had no idea who these guys were.

If you spend most of your time under the same rock as me, you might be interested to know a few things about this band. The Black Keys are a two-man blues-rock band from Akron, Ohio and they've been around since 2001 (I had no idea). The band consists of a singer/guitarist (Dan Auerbach) and a drummer (Patrick Carney). They often tour with a couple of back up musicians -- a bassist and a keyboardist. And for chrissakes, they even won a couple of Grammy's last year. Gawd, I'm so out of the loop!

So a few months ago I see that they're playing here in Maine at the Civic Center in Portland and I know I just have to go. I got my free tickets (because I work in media and I haven't paid for a concert in 15 years) and gathered up my concert buddy, Double_Dippin, had some drinkies and noms and headed into the sold out show. When I go to a concert, I immediately turn 80. I'm like a grumpy old woman and if I can't find a seat amongst the throngs of sweaty twenty-somethings, I get a bit pissy.

I don't do this. Just looking at this makes me claustrophobic.

The opening band was definitely not my cup of tea. Actually, the Arctic Monkeys gave me the sudden urge to jam my car keys into my eardrums. It took every ounce of will power to make it through the hour-long set. But I did. Playing Words with Friends helps pass the time.

And then it happened. The lights went down and from my perch in the seats off to the side, I could see the band populate the stage. I'm not sure what I expected, but it's not what I heard. It was a sound that blew through my core (probably because I was very close to those big overhead speakers). My feet involuntarily started tapping. My head bobbing. And my mouth formed the biggest smile that didn't wane until the concert ended.

Yeah, this might have been us... while sitting in our seats!

The heavy, gritty sounds of Dan's guitar and Patrick's violent pounding on the drum (he busted a head at one point) -- it was like nothing I've heard before. Even when they sent the two backup band members off the stage and played a handful of songs with just the two of them, it still sounded like a full band. I was amazed.

I didn't recognize every song they played, and I didn't even know the words to the ones I did, but I had as much fun at this concert as any I'd been to in recent years. They definitely gained a big fan and my iTunes account is going to take a wicked hit this week when I buy some of their stuff.

My sad little video of Chop and Change... great rendition.

Make sure to watch for the dancing dudes... they were cracking my shit up.

Are there a lot of Black Keys fans out there in Twitardedland? I'm wondering if I'm being over zealous about this concert because I just don't get out much... or are they really that fun to watch? Please tell me I'm not totally crazy. 

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

March Equals Music Madness (aka It's SXSW Again)

It's March again, Spring is (sort of) in the air and once again I'm taking off to the very large state of Texas to embark on five days of non-stop music, amazing pulled pork sandwiches and as much shitty free beer as I can drink without projectile vomiting everywhere. Hopefully I won't bleed all over my boarding pass this time...

That's right, it's SXSW time!!

 SXSW 2009(?) aka how many people can you fit in a tiny hotel room? (Answer - eleven. Uncomfortably.)

I have to admit that this year I was planning on NOT going. Work was being wonky and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to take off so I didn't really decide I was going until I got tipsy with a girlfriend of mine and bam! the next day I'm buying airplane tickets without even knowing if I was going to have a place to stay.

Thankfully, I have a place to stay. Because that would have really sucked otherwise. Really, really sucked. Given the fact that most of the hotels in the area are booked up by the October before SXSW, there was a very good chance I could have ended up sleeping in a car or something. For once, luck was on my side.

Anyway, I've been completely immersed in trying to find bands that I want to see that are playing free parties (free being the operative word here since badges are expensive as all get out) and that exercise is seriously labor intensive. 

(Free!!) Mess With Texas Party 2011 aka Dirty as a Motherfucker. Seriously. That haze you see? Fucking dirt flying.  

Since I know many of you won't be able to hop on a plane and meet me in Austin, I figured I'd bring some of the music to you.

In no particular order, here are just a few of the bands I really, totally, freaking-can't-wait to see...

Noah Gundersen
If you are a fan of Sons of Anarchy, you've already heard Noah Gundersen. For a young looking kid, he sure has a lot of heart and soul, not to mention a truly beautiful voice.

There is no segue I can come up with that could even remotely tie together Cro-Mags with Noah Gundersen. They are the total opposite. They are so opposite from each other that if they ended up playing in the same room together, at the same time, the earth would tilt on its axis and spill the oceans out and we'd probably just fucking implode and shit.

The last time I saw the Cro-Mags was in the 90s and I'm pretty sure my staple outfit involved a pair of Doc Martens and a lot of safety pins. Just sayin'.

I am super, super excited to see Futurebirds. I've seen them a few times before and they always put on a fantastic show. Very energetic and fun. Plus, I fucking love the banjo, dude.

Crystal Antlers
I had only vaguely heard of this band but never sought them out until I stumbled upon them in my SXSW party searches. So far, so good. Their sound is mildly psychedelic but certainly not jammy. It's definitely worth checking out!

So there you have it! I probably could go on and on but I imagine there are only so many music videos a person can look through in one sitting. I hope you enjoy!

And please - if you have any recommendations, or know how my girlfriends and I can get badges without having to pay a ridiculous amount of money or perform sexual favors, let me know!!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Spring is Almost *&^%#!!! Here!

I'm just going to come out and admit that I have been in a major funk lately. Black cloud over my head, mouth that feels like it doesn't know how to form a smile some days, rage-ball moments over incomprehensibly little and inconsequential things (and the massive guilt associated with KNOWING it's inconsequential and not being able to do anything to change your mood).

I've never really considered myself much of an outdoorsy person, let alone a sun-worshipper (as evidenced by my not-usually-sparkly-but-otherwise-vampire-worthy pallor), but this has been a particularly dreary winter in New Jersey. and I'm feeling it. Not that it's been particularly cold or snowy, mind you - but at least snow is pretty and you usually get some bright sunshine after a snowstorm... Instead, it's just been day after relentless day of overcast, sunless, gray. And it's been bumming me out.

Hey guess what's all dead and brown in the winter? 

This is also the time of year when people seem to be in full-on nesting mode. Or is that hibernating? Either way, nobody is really doing much of anything but holing up inside and possibly drinking a lot. I can only truly speak for myself, but I am pretty sure that my social circle is supporting the extended families of several liquor store owners. Adding insult to injury, after Mr. Snarky and I both came down with the flu last month, we regrettably missed one of our favorite parties of the year: Waitangi Day.

 It's like this but with less national pride, fewer grass skirts, and more drinking.

Because we don't live in New Zealand, Waitangi Day is basically an excuse for everyone to get together in February, kick back, and enjoy some good food, good drink, good music, and good company. We were both "mostly better" flu-wise when the date arrived, but you know those people who show up places glowing with fever and sounding like they are about to hork up a lung but swearing "I'm not contagious anymore"? I don't want to be "that person" - I have yet to meet one who had any medical training or education in disease pathology, and they are all a bunch of dirty liars who are trying to give me their cooties. 

Things were looking pretty bleak...

And then last week, I saw sunshine. Granted, I saw it out the window while I was at work, but it was glorious. I also saw two robins AND some crocus in bloom, all in the same day. For the first time, I felt hope. OK, for the first time in a couple of weeks, I stopped scowling and with great effort, I managed to turn my frown upside down (seriously, sometime the simple act of smiling can make you feel better. - what's up with that?).



Sure the "blah NJ winter" color is almost dominating the above photos, but still...SPRING! It's COMING!

I'm not gonna lie: since then, it's been more "blah" gray and dreary weather, dawn-'til-dusk, and not much sun. But later this week, it's going to be sunny almost 70 degrees out, and I swear that I'm getting outside to soak up some Vitamin D even if I get fired. Which I won't - I have a cog-in-a-wheel job, not some life-or-death gig where my absence will cause the end of the world. In the meantime, I have started spring cleaning with gusto (read: I have donated a lot of stuff to Goodwill and opened some blinds for the first time in four months) and am READY for spring - time to get a pedicure, people! What? Isn't that the universal sign of winter being over? Let's celebrate with some sort of festive spring-themed cocktail! Put a daffodil in it! Who's with me???

Monday, March 5, 2012

Happy National Grammar Day. Er, Belatedly.

Bringing current events to you in a very... non current (but very Twitarded) fashion, Twitarded would like to wish everyone a Happy National Grammar Day! March 4th — that was yesterday, for those of you who are as oblivious to dates as I am — is set aside as the twenty-four hour period for Americans to honor correct use of the English language. I imagine Canadians and Brits honour the King's English on another day.

The likelihood that I will have at least five grammar errors in this post are is very, very high.

 I don't have a Facebook account (because I rebuke Facebook and bind it in the fiery pits of Hades), but If I did, I would have had a field day yesterday. One of my favorite things to read are the obnoxious responses to Facebook misspellings. It provides hours of entertainment.

The number of people who legitimately don't know the difference is staggering. 

My absolute favorite Facebook grammar beatdown is this one. I want to find Mrs. Johanson and force her to be best friends with me. You know, in a non creepy way.

Happy Monday, everyone! May all your grammar dreams come true. Feel free to share your thoughts on National Grammar Day or grammar-related pet peeves in the comments. Bonus points if you talk like Yoda.