Thursday, March 1, 2012

Open Letter to the Old Man Moaning on the Train

Dear Mr. Moany McMoanfuck:

This morning started out like most mornings - I woke up late as fuck, rushed to shower and get ready and screamed profanities at all the cars in front of us on the way to the station because what the fuck why are you driving so SLOW??? while ML kept making sure the windows were rolled up.

 What the universe tells me. Every day.

Then I raced up the stairs to the train platform-- which is really more me stumbling up the stairs trying not have a stroke because I'm out of shape and drink too much-- before leaping throwing myself bodily onto the train just as the doors shut. Like a delicate flower. Or a bag of bricks. One of those.

Honestly? By the time I flopped into a seat and tried to catch my breath, I was pretty much done with the day and I'd only been up for 40 minutes. Which explains why I forgot my number one Rule of Goddamn Commuting.

Put in earbuds and turn on iPod. Immediately.

 I nicknamed mine "this is the only reason I haven't fucking strangled someone during my commute"...

So there I was, sans musical goodness piping into my ears, sitting on the train and trying not to blind myself with my eyeliner pencil when I heard you.

Moaning. Grunting. At first I thought perhaps you were in pain but... you sounded quite the opposite, if I do say so myself.

Now, I've heard lots of things on those rusting shit-boxes of transportation before but never did it sound like someone was shooting a porno in the seat behind me. Soap operas, yes. Porn? Not so much.

For the first two minutes, I kind of just sat there, one eye done all purty, making me look like Alex from A Clockwork Orange, but less ultra-violent and rape-y and more exhausted and perturbed. Because for the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to do.

 To be honest, I think my facial expression on a daily basis is very similar to his...

Do I turn around and confront you? I'll admit it was my first thought -- to indignantly stand up and lambast you for your pornographic behavior (because honestly, it sounded like you were fucking someone, albeit somewhat quietly) but I was afraid I was going to come face to one-eye with your penis and I've already seen a penis on public transportation and I'm still scarred from it.

Do I tell a trusted adult? Well, frankly, I trust my fellow commuters about as far as I can throw them, though I did tell an entire car full of them a few years ago about the guy sitting next to me who kept dropping his hand on my thigh under the guise of sleeping and that took care of the problem right quick. But what am I going to say? "Hey conductor, I think the guy behind me is jerking his purple-headed monster. Can you go look?"

 That's what happens to masturbators, mister!! Go jerk off in the train station bathroom like everybody else!!

No, that wouldn't do. So instead, I just sat there like a fucking jackass, listening to you mewl and grunt because I just couldn't bring myself to look. Thankfully, you stopped after about 10 minutes and I turned on my iPod and fell asleep.

But I totally saw you when you got off the train in New York, Mr. Moany McMoanfuck. You, with liver spots and salt & pepper hair, in your crisp fancy-man grey suit. I was the one in pigtails who was looking at you like you just took a shit in the aisle, by the way.

Here's the thing - all day long, I've been wondering just what the fuck you were doing behind me for ten minutes that made you so ecstatic with pleasure you were goddamn moaning and groaning on a public train.

Were you really fapping back there? If so, gross to the Nth degree, dude. Or maybe you were deep throating a particularly savory banana? Does doing a crossword puzzle get you off? Were you learning an alien language that sounds exactly like moans of ecstasy? Or perhaps you were watching an episode of Downton Abbey, because apparently everyone is orgasming over that show.

I just don't know. It's probably better that I don't.

At any rate, I hope you cleaned up after yourself.  And I memorized both the car number and the row you were in.

That seat is dead to me now, thanks to you.

No love,
Jenny Jerkface


  1. I guess it must have been similar to people not being able to look away from an accident. You couldn't put your earbuds in? You were compelled to continue to listen until he stopped making those offensive noises?

    You should always carry a mirror, so you can discreetly observe what is going on behind you. Next time you might overhear terrorists planning an attack. (You need to be able to identify those suckers!)

    And if it IS someone actually jerking off on the train, witnessing it through a reflection in your mirror might be like watching porn on your phone. It would be more palatable that way, because I'm sure you've done it before. [Viewed porn on your phone. Not jerked off on a train.]

    1. It was like the auditory version of a trainwreck. In my defense, I didn't want to tune in/tune out and suddenly have him pop up behind me and cum in my hair. A girl needs to prepared for shit like that.

      But mostly I just wanted to know what the fuck he was doing back there...

  2. I'm with The Rugby Mom - still mulling over the fact that you listened in until...whatever it is that needed to happen to make him stop happened (not speculating there). But then again, you are right - it's not like the thing to do would be to tune it out and hope you don't end up walking into work like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary.

  3. Oh holy balls!! Wait a minute... If you were applying makeup whilebon the train you TOTALLY could have snuck a peek with your mirror. Lol. I am one of those people that would have turned around & looked. Then given him the stinky evil eye. Hahahahaha!!!

  4. I would have looked then regretted it. Ewwwww! What a total creeper. How many people were around you? I can't even deal with STY's 'There's Something About Mary' reference. Gah!

  5. He was prob watching Twilight on his ipad.

    "I did tell an entire car full of them a few years ago about the guy sitting next to me who kept dropping his hand on my thigh under the guise of sleeping and that took care of the problem right quick" - Lets go back to this please!!!

    1. A couple of years ago I was on the train and the guy sitting next to me kept putting his hand on my thigh. High up on my thigh. He had his eyes closed and the first time it happened I pushed his hand away and he kind of pretended like I woke him up. The second time it happened I pushed his hand away and told him to knock it off. The third time it happened, I said, very loudly, "Hey! Stop putting your hand on my fucking thigh, pervert!!!"

      He got very embarrassed, got up and disappeared at the next stop. Fucker.

  6. I think this would make a good fic prompt. Just sayin'.

  7. He was probably gophering(I probably don't have to explain the definition of that one LOL).... if that's the case I don't want to know what happened when he stopped moaning and groaning :/

  8. Ewww. That is gross. I try to never leave home without earbuds. It's horrific if you have to listen to idiots screaming on their phones or crazy people or whatever.

    I saw a guys penis on a bus once. He was wearing really short white shorts and no underwear and it was hanging along his leg and peeking out the bottom of his shorts. I was sitting across from him and it was really hard not to make eye contact with the one eyed snake. This has to be 20 years ago and I'm still traumatized.

  9. Maybe he was reading "50 Shades of Grey" fka "Master of the Universe" I hear it's all the rage right now and turning into a best seller. They even had a segment about it on the Today Show. Now there are rumors that it may be made into a movie. I know, I know, crazy right?

  10. *raises hand* I don't know what gophering is and I'm too terrified to google it.

    1. Um yeah, I did it for you. It's a perfect term for Twitarded. Here's the definition on Urban Dictionary....

      When you have to shit really bad, but you aren't close to a bathroom, the turd starts to come out, but you suck it back in your ass as you walk swiftly to the john. like a gopher popping out of a hole.

  11. For some odd reason, when I read the title of this post, all I can think about is Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter. Did he sound like that?


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