Thursday, April 26, 2012

1000...I Mean 10 (or so) Awesome Awful Things

Most of you have probably heard about the blog "1000 Awesome Things" by now - back in 2008, a guy started a website while at a low point in his life to remind himself of the "awesome" things. He counted down - posting five days a week - until he hit #1 last week. He gained quite a following over the intervening years and even published a couple of Awesome books. He was already in the Top 20 by the time I caught on (guess my chronic lateness extends to all thing - awesome!). When I am looking for something to distract me from work (read: always), I often go read random posts about random awesome things (and it is VERY random).

But what about all the non-awesome things? What about the stuff that's just...awful?

So behold my list of 10 (or so) Awful Things:

Accidentally dumping the perfect - or last! - bite of something delicious onto the floor. Or - God forbid - spilling the last wine in the house.

Sitting down in a liberal sprinkling of someone else's pee on a public toilet.

 Exactly. Especially that last bit.

That feeling you get when the door latches shut behind you at the exact moment you realize your keys are inside.

Finding something gross in your food after you have already eaten most of it. [No picture here - you're welcome.]

Sharting. [Or here. Ditto.]

Wrinkles - I'd love to be one of those people who loves all of their laugh lines and crows feet and considers them signs of a life well lived, but dammit, I'm just not.

 These are cute wrinkles. Mine? Not so much.

Waking up and for a minute think it's the weekend for a moment before reality sets in and you realize you have to go to work

Fruit flies. Or any other fly for that matter. Especially when found floating in my beverage.

I haz a sadz.

Finding another stall occupied in the work restroom when you really REALLY have to go.

Food allergies.

Sneezing. I don't mind sneezing myself, but other people sneezing without covering their mouth/nose makes me want to run for cover. I once was shopping at Whole Paycheck and had amassed a cart of beautiful, carefully selected produce. And then some asshole turned his head and sneezed all over the entire thing. RUINED.


What do you think is awful? Let 'er rip in the comments! (But no sharting.)


  1. I hate running out of hot water with a headfull of shampoo.
    I hate going to use the milk and there is literally a drop left.
    I really hate when people hold up traffic to make an impossible turn during rush hour,(It's not going to happen)...This would be my biggest peve.

    1. don't know about running out of milk (inside joke - snort) but i've SO been there in the shower all suds up and no hot water - HATE.

  2. Dibs. I want leftover pizza too, ya'll.
    Getting comfy and then your phone rings from the other side of the house.
    Driving and/or being driven.
    Ordering a dessert to "share". Fuck you.

    1. I am not a good sharer, but sometimes I'll split a dessert. Grudgingly. It's definitely not a good moment for me lol...

  3. I hate when I pour myself a bowl of cereal (CoCo Puffs are my FAV), get the milk in, sit in my comfy chair...take the first bite and the freakin' milk is spoiled!!! Now, please educate me...what is "sharting"???

    1. I was going to mention spoiled milk but I don't use real milk much anymore and rice and almond like don't curdle like that (try it - vanilla rice milk, or chocolate almond milk - yum!).

      "sharting" is a combo of the words "shit" and "farting" - i'll leave it at that...

  4. The way socks or tights can make your leg hair hurt if you haven't shaved in a good long while.

    Forgetting coupons at home and realizing that in the check-out line. The flip side of this is that I can be disproportionately joyful upon getting a REALLY good deal.

    1. I may have to do a follow-up "awesome things" post - if they are already on some other list, so be it. : )

  5. Waking up before your alarm, then not being able to go back to sleep because you really should.

    Cat vomit. Ingrown toenails. Breakouts (dear body, when the gray hairs arrived, the bad skin was supposed to go).

    Burning the $#!+ out of your thighs when getting into a sun-baked car with scorching leather seats (note to self, wear longer shorts).

    1. I don't have the legs to wear shorts that short, but DAMN girl, I am with you on the rest of those! Waking up to the sound of your cat hurling? On a Monday, after you woke up and then didn't fall back asleep?? Trifecta of not-awesome.

    2. There is nothing more miserable than waking up before your alarm and not being able to go back to sleep. It can ruin the whole day.

      And I'm with you about the breakouts! WTF? I get wrinkles AND zits. Bullshit.

    3. I wake up before the alarm almost every morning. It's called a fucking dog that doesn't feel the need to sleep past 5am.

  6. I am well-known about these parts as a crotchity bitch and I'll own it. But I can't think of anything particular that pisses me off right now.

    Oh. Wait. Yeah I can - my boss. Fuck him.

    1. I'm glad you are having an upbeat moment lol! Will definitely have to do a "thing that are not awful" post - you better not be in a bad mood that night lol...

  7. Excitedly opening a box only to discover that eBay asshole sent you the wrong earrings two days before your mother's birthday.

    Gross mouth noises, especially slurping, which make me want to hurl.

    People who abuse grammar and say stuff like 'all of the sudden'.

    Being 27 and still having to use Garnier PureActive. Clearly my skin didn't get the memo when I passed out of teenagedom.

    Pretentious snobs.

    Reality tv.

    That sound your three-month-old car makes when you accidentally scrape it off a pebble-dashed pillar. Also the €450 it cost to fix the damage. That sucked even worse.

    1. Gross mouth noises make me murderous. There is a woman in my office who is ALWAYS sucking on candy when she comes into my cubicle. I want to bludgeon her to death with my binders.

    2. Errr... don't feel bad. I'm 41 and my skin didn't get the memo either. Fuck those painful under the skin pimples that make your eyes water.

  8. Oops, forgot the field of pure evil, I mean rapeseed, across the road, sending waves of toxic pollen straight into my house and up my nose. Fuck you, farmer!

    And Lady Gaga.

  9. I LOATH when I'm snuggling into my warm bed after sending the kids off to school, thinking I have a few hours to sleep without hearing Mommy, Mamma,Mim,Mum,Maaaaaa.... and then the phone rings off the feckin' hook! I can't ignore it. It may be the school nurse. UGH!!!!!

  10. Having some sh..head parked in my favorite spot when I get to work, or when I get back from lunch. Even though it is on the street, don't they know it's MINE!!!!

    1. I'll *lend* you my FSE to place in your parking spot to ward off other parkers, but only if you promise to return him. Unharmed.

    2. I have to say that "Going out to lunch and coming back to score a much better parking space than you had before" was on the "1000 Awesome Things" list - I guess sometimes one person's "Awesome!" is anther person's "Awful!"

  11. I 2nd all of these. I will now add my own.

    Whistling (any & all forms of whistling. I can't even watch Snow White anymore). It is not awesome.

    Starting a new book & then it turns out to be crap.

    Socks that fall down into your boots.

    Driver's going 50mph in the PASSING LANE.

    Rubbernecking on the freeway.

    When people just assume it's okay to take food off your plate. (I'm not a good sharer either. I must offer or you must ask first.)

    1. 50 mph in the passing lane. That's grounds for running someone over. When are they going to allow me to mount a fucking machine gun to the front of my car?

  12. OK, now you've opened Pandora's fucking box:

    -Having the office immediately across from the restroom so I know EXACTLY who is a handwasher and who isn't and also who the chronic queefers are

    -Feral cats that piss in my yard & taunt my dog

    -Jim Bob Duggar

    -realizing after you've already taken a bite that you accicentally bought the Habanero flavored dill pickles

    -Office Bonding Weekends

    -Judgy bitches who assume I'm immature and illiterate because I happen to have a passion for Twilight. BITCHES, I have a college degree and I minored in English. I GET THAT IT'S NOT A GREAT WORK OF LITERATURE, so GFYS. K?



    1. I was reading up from the bottom and I knew this was you the second I hit "Office Bonding Weekend" lol... Who does that?! BTW, one of the things on the list of "1000 Awesome Things" was "Companies that schedule company outings on company time" - so I think this is anti-awesome or something...

    2. Office Bonding weekends... lol! At my office those are called Friday night drunk fests!!

  13. I'm confused....what do you mean when you say "spilling the LAST wine in the house"? Who ever runs out of wine....ever? I see your lips moving but I don't understand what you're saying....

  14. Hmmm, where shall I start:

    Commuters who trim their nails on the train, talk loudly (SHUT THE FUCK UP NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU), pretend they don't see you when you want to take a seat because they don't want to share and those bastards who haven't heard of deodorant.

    Pretty much everything else about commuting.

    People who take their sweet-ass time pulling their wallets out at check out. WTF? You're surprised you have to pay for this shit? Get your wallet out and be prepared so we can all get the fuck out of line faster.

    People who stand there and make the cashier bag all of the groceries like they're the Queen of Sheba or something.

    I've got more but we'll leave it at that. For now.

    1. Ahhh, I was waiting for you to chime in, JJ. My blood is vicariously boiling at your commuter issues. How you haven't stabbed someone a la Eric Packer in the Cosmopolis trailer yet is beyond me.

    2. Ah, commuting. Definitely don't miss that. The only thing worse than the deodorantless bastards are the stupid twats wearing half a bottle of nauseating perfume. And then there are the people who think their handbag/backpack/portfolio cylinder clearly deserve a seat more than you do. Assholes. I don't miss getting rained on at the bus stop either *shudder*

      Glad to know I'm not the only one who gets stabby around noisy eaters, btw. Blech.

    3. *tucks away tidbit of info for next shopping trip with JJ* I'll let you decide whether it will be for good or evil.

  15. Hummm, things that bother me.
    People not knowing how to drive. Im sorry, youre giving me the finger when you just crossed three lanes of traffic(almost hitting me) to take the right exit? WTF!

    Chewing with your mouth open,biting fingernails and dragging your feet. My hubs drags his feet and I want to stab him. He would be the worse burgler ever. The best part my youngest called him on it as I always have to correct her from doing it too. Shuffle shuffle.
    Work- I could say many things about it but no use airing the negative. I get what I need out if it. :)
    I should check out that site since its complete now.

  16. Customers who want to go over their bills in exhaustive detail. I can understand your concern over your bill but please, please call before 6 months have gone by and I have to get a fucking calculator and a fine-tooth comb out and find out how much tax you *should* have been charged last November.

    Actually, I just should have said "customers" and that would probably cover it. I'm very nice to them so they have no idea.

  17. People who stop at stop signs, satelite radio having no signal, those who can not merge their car, those who are surprised that they have to pay at the check out line, my ancient computer....

  18. I don't even know where to begin. I'll just draw a big circle around all things traffic, grocery store, and work client related. I was yelling "YES!" to everyone else's comments.

  19. Challenge Accepted:

    -People who don't obey yield signs on the highway and instead treat them like straight up on ramps. Don't get pissed when I speed up and make you drive off into the shoulder because I have the right to remain at my speed and YOU are an asshole.

    -Lack of turn signal.

    -Grammar issues in published works.

    -Your dog cuddling on your lap and then getting up suddenly because of a nonexistent noise and putting all of her weight on your junk.

    -Mel Gibson

    -The BCS....

    -Switching razors and forgetting that its new so you press too hard and you end up looking like you wear barbed wire pants.

    -Ordering your eggs over easy/medium and getting a fully cooked yolk. WTF am I supposed to dip my toast into now fuck face?!

    -Increasing your Angry Birds score by 10,000 points and you STILL don't get 3 fucking stars.

    1. Oh GAWD, not yielding makes me fucking murderous!! My husband is one of those and one day he almost got us killed. He thinks it's the person's job (ON THE HIGHWAY) to pull over or slow down. FUCKING IDIOT!!

      I'm pretty sure getting 3 stars in Angry Birds is about as common as seeing Bigfoot riding a unicorn with a leprechaun holding on the the horn for dear life.

    2. No way! I don't move on to the next level UNTIL I get three stars! It can be done! ::Rides off with Bigfoot on his unicorn with a leprechaun head ornament::

  20. I have too many to list. Or they're already all listed here. One of those.

  21. Hmmm...lemme try to narrow this down...

    -Super-expensive international flights that I can't afford to pay and that prevent me from visiting the UK and My Chloe Cougar.

    -My husband brushing his teeth over the sink WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN. WHY???

    -People driving the speed limit in the fast lane on the interstate and driving the same speed as the people in the next two lanes - effectively preventing me from passing their stoopid asses.

    -Dust chunks that fly off the ceiling fan when you turn it on high. (What? Am I really supposed to clean those?)

    -Birds that shit on my car when I JUST had it washed and waxed.

    -Having a boss that has no fucking clue what she's doing and having her not give me a raise after I worked my fucking ass off last year trying to keep things done RIGHT when I couldn't ask her for help because she fucks everything up.

    Yeah, that covers the high points. :o)

  22. Haha! Glad to see I'm not the only one with anger issues, especially slow people in the passing lane. Recently drove through Kentucky and southern Ohio and am happy to report that those people know how to move out of the passing lane, thank you very much. The East coast (where I live) not so much.

  23. People at Target (or wherever) who let their kids:

    --rearrange stuff on the shelves (how would you like it if we brought our kids to your office to rearrange your files?)

    --play with/bang on the card readers (they're expensive and they're not toys--hands off)

    --swipe their credit/debit card, then stand there telling them what buttons to push, while a line snaking to the main aisle forms behind them (again, not a toy--buy the rugrat a toy cash register to play with and stop wasting everyone's time)

    --interrupt when I'm trying to get info from them about the prescription they're dropping off/tell them something about the prescription they're picking up (the grown-ups are talking, be quiet)

    --make a mess in the store & don't clean it up (yeah, the spilled popcorn was probably an accident, but don't just leave it on the floor--at the very least TELL someone)


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