Monday, April 9, 2012

Beware the Icy Speculum

So, today I had to go to the dreaded vagina doctor. Admittedly, it had been a long time since I brought the lady bits in for a tune-up, so it was long over due.

 This looks like it belongs in a medieval torture chamber.

There are a few things I wish guys could experience. Periods, jogging without a sports bra and having a freezing cold speculum shoved up their orifice, just to name a few. Seriously, why the hell is that thing always so goddamn cold? Do they have a special speculum freezer in the back or something? It's uncomfortable enough to have your stocking feet wedged in stirrups, the least they could do is warm the speculum before they invade your vagina with it.

At least my new doctor doesn't have a poster on the ceiling. I'm not sure why they think staring at a poster of a cute kitten while someone kneads your breasts looking for cancer is going to make everything okay. I've never once thought, "by golly, that kitty is right!! I AM going to hang in there!"

Oh shut the fuck up, Kitty. 

Generally, the only thoughts running through my mind when I'm being examined is a) hurry the fuck up and b) holy Jesus on a pogo-stick is this awkward. 

Speaking of awkward, my new gyno looked like she graduated medical school twelve minutes ago and apparently had a huge hard on for testing for STD's. Within the first five minutes of meeting her, she's asking me if I want an HIV test along with my pap smear, kind of like super-sizing my gyno experience.

Ten minutes after that, I'm laying on my back and she's poking around down below and asks, "do you want to test for Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or Syphilis?"

For a minute, I panicked. I mean, there she was, eye to labia, and she was asking about more STD tests. Then I got kind of offended. Syphilis? What the fuck do I look like, a prostitute from the 1850's?

 Scandalous! I can see their kneecaps. I see more skin at the super market.

While I do believe getting tested for STD's is extremely important, especially if you have multiple partners, I didn't think there was a very big chance that I was going to come into contact with a syphilitic penis any time soon, since ML's is the only one I play with these days. Part of me wondered if she would ask me that sort of thing if I was married. I suspect not. 

In the end, my nether region is in good working order and I don't have to endure freezing cold speculum and heaps of embarrassment for another whole year.

Hopefully by then, someone will have invented a speculum warmer.

40 comments:

  1. Only you, JJ, could make this a humourous experience. I hope you've warmed up now :)

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  2. The comment I left isn't showing up...weird. Anywho I was saying..I don't miss those experiences at all. I got to stop having them at 40. Yay me. And something about your syphygonoherp vag. Glad your taking care of that beast. Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it today. Xoxo

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  3. I don't know if having something warm and hard shoved into my baby-cave while being inspected for the sypph' would be an improvement.
    My gyny always asks me if I want theses tests, and I've been married for 12 years. In my experience as an obliterated vagina nurse, women who are in a "monogamous" relationship are often surprised with an STD when it has reached defcon crotch rot. Get tested!

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  4. Cold speculum?? Ppsshhh...talk to me when they have to pinch off your cervix and you have to stay COMPLETELY STILL! Talk about looking and feeling like a paralyzed crab.

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  5. Ugh, I dread that fun yearly experience. Especially since my doctor is associated with the University hospital, so she usually has med students. Having an extra person in the room is a joy. And of course, she always asks if I'm willing to have the student perform an exam as well - for experience. My brain is always torn between a) Hell no! I don't want anyone else down there poking around, and b) what the hell, I'm already on the table with my legs up and they need to learn somewhere. I got lucky this year, she didn't have any students this semester - no awkward decisions to make!

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  6. I'm grateful my doctor keeps the speculum in a warming something-or-other. She warms her hands up too!

    I completely understand how you feel a little insulted when she asks all those questions though. Maybe they should just make it mandatory to do all those tests. After more than ten years, my soul-mate had to get his dick wet while I was away for several months on business. When I started counting up the number of sexual partners I knew these girls had - besides my husband - I freaked out to know that I was sexually exposed to that many people! Before this, if my doctor asked me, I would have sworn there was no reason for testing. Sometimes people are weak and make bad choices. Sometimes, you don't really know the person who is closest to you.

    You are the only one you can count on to protect yourself above all others. Maybe we should all ask for these tests routinely.

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    1. Oof. Yours is a cautionary tale. And one that is not that unusual, unfortunately. When I was "single" and had multiple partners, I did get tested for STD's. I will be honest (and possibly a little naive) but it did not occur to me that I would need them now. With the exception of HPV, I declined all the others.

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  7. Fuck speculums. There's nothing worse than having your vag propped open while someone tries to make conversation. Thank god they use plastic at my dr's office, not quite as chilly.

    My midwives have ever so kindly arranged for an HIV test as well as a pee test for chlamydia. It's just to tick off some little box on my health record, but it's hard not to be a bit insulted.

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  8. When I was 16 i was ushered into womanhood with my very first papsmere. The assface doctor (which was a man) got up in the middle of it and told me he'd be right back, leaving that fucking torture device inside me. For ten minutes I lay on my back, staring at a stupid poster of a cat or something, and Dr Assface came sauntering back in with a big cheesy smile on his face and finally pulled the thing out. After I told my mother what happened and she screamed at the surprised doctor. Needless to say we never went back.

    Who thinks its creepy to have a male Obgyn?

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    Replies
    1. Totally creepy. And wow, what an awful introductory pap. Way to make an already unpleasant experience even more uncomfortable! I can't imagine a woman doctor doing that...

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  9. I've been married for 9 years, and every time I get "checked out" the doctor asks to do an std check. She always says it never hurts to make sure. I go along with it, cause I really don't wanna listen to a lecture when my legs are spread. My doc is borderline crazy though. She is always complimenting things. My all time favorite compliment "you have such a beautiful cervix". Gee thanks doc, I can honestly say I have never heard that before.

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  10. I guess I'm lucky that my doctor usually heats up the metal, her hands, and the gel...still one of my least favourite experiences, though! I think the words "scoot down" will forever cause me to reflexively clamp my knees together...

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    1. I'm with you - after reading all these stories that have my legs clamped firmly together, I'll stop bitching about how every single freaking time the ob/gyn doctor has me scooch another foot down the table - I feel like my girl-parts are being made to walk the plank!

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    2. "Scoot down. A little more. One more time. Okay just another little scoot now..." haha

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  11. I know someone who's been married for 28 years, only ever had sex with her husband and yet somehow magically contracted herpes. It seems these things can sometimes be carried with no visible symptoms and passed on to unsuspecting wives, partners etc. And people wonder why I don't mind being single?

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    Replies
    1. These stories are... upsetting. And unfortunately, not that uncommon. I guess it's good to get tested even if you are in a monogamous relationship!!

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  12. I love my doctor - SHE (must be, I would NEVER go to a he) always has everything warmed and I DO like talking with her while she is examining me. It makes me not think about what she is doing and I relax, which also makes it much easier to deal with. I don't mind going because I know it is good for me but I always ask why they chose that profession - as I just can't believe they want to look at that every day multiple times a day. Not my cup of tea for sure.

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    1. I don't think I could ever have a male gyno. I feel like a woman will know more about my vagina, since she has one too.

      And I have NO idea how they do what they do but I'm glad for it! Mostly, anyway.

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  13. Ugh, don't remind me! My last pap they didn't get enough cells, so this means two pap test this year. Yay me.

    Oh, you'll love this. You would think your doctor's office would phone you with this information, nope not mine I got this fricken form letter telling me not to panic and I would have to be retested in six months.

    This form letter neglected to mention the fact that
    A)the pap test was inconclusive.
    B)and they didn't get enough cells was the reason for the inconclusive test.

    Fuck me you can't help but panic at reading that. I had to make an appointment and go in to find out why.

    My previous DR when he did my pap would also check out my ovaries. Nothing weird right... Well, I nearly junk punched him every time he examined my ovaries, it felt like dude was trying to play basketball with them. He would grab one and move it back, and then I could feel it bounce back into place. Hurt... my god did that hurt.

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  14. You guys are so great! I love that we all have similar experiences and STY, I too hate to hear "scoot down". I'm convinced that someday I'll fall right off the damn table! How close do you need me, really? You can bet if men had to do this every year they'd take the entire day off. A finger up your butt accompanied by a cough is nothin' compared to being cranked open by a speculum!

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  15. HATE THE FUCKING ANNUAL!! I break out into a sweat before I even arrive at the doctor's office. I only wish there was a happy poster of cute kittens on the ceiling.... Or an RPattz poster -- that would make me hate just a tiny bit less.

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    Replies
    1. Lmao! If there was a poster of RPattz on the ceiling I have a feeling women would be booking their annual check up's in advance.

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  16. Yeah, there is just no way to make a pap exam pleasant. That said, a little warmth does go a long way!!

    I lost most of my self-consciousness during pregnancy, but when the med student (during my 2nd pg) could not manage to get the stupid thing in there properly in order to get whatever swabs she required, I about lost my shit. After several attempts (probably more than several) I made her call the actual doctor.

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    Replies
    1. I figured pregnancy would kind of make the whole annual thing seem like small potatoes.

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    2. Exactly. All your modesty has long gone out the window.

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  17. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonApril 10, 2012 at 1:15 PM

    Ughh...I have my annual appt. on Monday. Luckily my general practitioner also does the women well checks and she is hands down the most amazing doctor I've ever had so at least I got that going for me. Then the Monday after that, I have laser hair removal on the good old bikini area. Not the most care free month on record for my girly bits. Is anyone else doing laser hair removal? That's a whole "nother" post of the joys of feminine maintenance. JFC.

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    Replies
    1. Laser hair removal: best thing ever!! You will not regret it.

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    2. Laser hair removal is the most awesome thing in the world ever. And it's a lot kinder to your ladybits than waxing. Or the gyno.

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  18. Ok - I almost choked on my pasta salad when I saw the title of this post in my blogroll. Srsly..hilarious. Now that I'm preggers, it's game time down below. And it doesn't help that my friend decided to give me a birth PSA about how my vagina would swell to the size of a damn whale after birth. Is this true? My Mom says she must have a retarded vagina. I digress.....

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  19. Well, I didn't think I had anything interesting to add to the conversation, but then I saw a tweet with a link to a very interesting necklace on Etsy (I know how much you all loooove Etsy) and couldn't resist. They even request that you send in a picture or description of your vag so they can make an authentic reproduction for you... JJ, you need this.

    http://www.etsy.com/transaction/22170358

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    1. I can't...HOLY SHIT! Laughing, crying, laughing, clutching my sides! AUTHENTIC REPRODUCTION FTMFW!

      I haven't laughed this hard in days!! You are my hero today!

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    2. I LOVE YOU. This is... just beyond special. I showed ML the new "necklace" I wanted to get and... he was fucking speechless. It was beautiful.

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    3. AND while you wait for your necklace to be made, you can bake a fresh batch of these:

      http://www.ign.com/boards/threads/vagina-cupcakes-anyone.250034676/

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    4. HOLY SMOKE! An entire new Twitarded post is required on the content of these links, stat!

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    5. Yah- Someone needs to do a post on those necklaces STAT. Srsly, I sat here mouth agape for a good 3 minutes. Sue....never mind, no words.

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  20. Makes you wonder about the whole sex-with-a-vampire thing, doesn't it? 'Scoot down a bit, Bella, while I jam this icy thing in your vag...'

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  21. I had a male OB/GYN who delivered both of my daughters and I absolutely loved him. For godsake, he was the one that finally removed my belly button ring after my first pregnancy because it got infected, and I was too grossed out to even touch it! Poor doctor. Now that I'm older, my needs have changed and I feel more comfortable with a female doctor. As for your doctor asking about STD testing. It's standard. You shouldn't be offended at all. It's not meant to be accusing or judgmental. Every woman should get tested, simply because it's offered and a part of your exam. But forget all this. I had my first mammogram last month, and talk about fucking weird. Damn... I think I might put the mammogram as being worst than a pap smear. Plus the stress until they give you the results... Getting old sucks.

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  22. TOTALLY thought this was gonna be a new fic. It still can be...But when the page loaded, and I saw that it was not a new fic, I busted out laughing even more. Because Holy Hampster Humper, everything you said was right on, JJ. RIGHT.THEFUCK.ON.

    And the comments?! THE COMMENTS! Epic. This goes into the Best Of vault. My fucking abs hurt from reading these comments. THIS is what I missed!! Camaraderie! Rally the troops against the evil speculums!

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    1. OMG! How awesome would a crack-fic Beware the Icy Speculum be? Someone needs to get on that!! And someone who actually finishes her fics, instead of, say, me. :)

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  23. Oh. My. God. So, I am SO late to this post, but boy am I glad I went back to catch up on everything because this one is EPIC!

    I had two male doctors before I found my current female gyno, and I love her! She is fabulous! RPattz posters would be an excellent bonus for the experience. Abso-freakin-lutely.

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