Sunday, April 1, 2012

Medicinal Sneak Attack

I would just like everyone to note the date. It is April 1st. I have been sick with one thing or another (or multiple things at one time) since Christmas Eve. I normally get one sinus infection a year and that's all. I can only guess that I let myself get so run down when Baby TK was in the hospital my immune system went to crap and has never recovered. This shit is getting old.

I had almost an entire week where I didn't feel like that stray antelope on Animal Planet. You know, the sickly, limping one at the back of the pack that will undoubtedly get picked off my a cheetah before the end of the episode. For four glorious days I thought I might live to see 2013. (Unless the Mayans were right. Then I'm going to be pissed I spent my last days coughing, running a fever, puking, etc, etc.) Surprise, surprise! [To be read in Gomer Pyle's voice] I'm sick again.

I got a prescription for some antibiotics, and put my car on autopilot to the pharmacy. I didn't think I was a stupid person. (Spoiler alert: I was wrong!) I know you have to take antibiotics with food or you will puke out your stomach. I was stuffing myself like that Asian dude who wins all the food eating contests and I was just getting increasingly nauseated with every dose. The other day, as I was fighting with the childproof cap that only children can open, I noticed this label clearly printed on the bottle.

Fuck my stupid ass! I shouldn't be allowed to do anything without adult supervision.

Then I read further...

 Hold the phone. I didn't sign up for that. 

At least I'm halfway through with the bottle, and then I don't have to worry about potential explosive bowel movements anymore.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!! Are you telling me I could be in line at the Target in July and suddenly shit my pants?!!! 

This is a startling development. I need to know how long I have this ticking time bomb in me. Obviously there will be no more Chipotle until months from now. That would just be asking for complications. Do I need to wear an astronaut diaper for the foreseeable future? How did researchers even determine this side effect? Were there a rash of soiled people in the ER stating it HAD to be the antibiotic they took four months ago, and not the questionable gyro they ate for lunch? I kind of have a lot on my plate right now, and I certainly don't have time for the ramifications of shitting myself in public. I could possibly work in a private shitting, but a public one is not an option. 

This subject is really Jenny Jerkface's forte. I haven't a clue as to how to end this, so I'm just going to slink quietly off, my back to the wall in case of emergency. Happy end of the weekend.

32 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, I have no sympathy for the possibility you might shit your pants in public. I face that fear every day withOUT medication.

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  2. That must be one "not fucking around" anti-infective. All antibiotics kill the bad germs and the good germs. Diarrhea (C.Diff.) is a complication that can occur, usually in the elderly. Eat some probiotic yogurt or supplements. You should be fine, but if you're not, HAND WASHING!! C.Diff is highly contagious.

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    1. I am feeling more elderly by the day...

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  3. OOPS! Sorry! I think your horrible months of sickness might be my fault... I am usuall sick the entire Winter and 1/2 of Spring and this year I just didn't have the time for that shit, so I begged the powers that be to be kind to me this year, even if it meant smyting someone else. Sorry! If you do have my usual ailment, then you should be better by the middle of the month! Feel better, and don't worry, It'll return to me next season I'm sure.

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    1. A pox on your house!! Just kidding. Don't call me if you end up with any poxes.

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  4. Bwhahahahaha... because you don't have enough on your plate. At what point will you stop worrying about this? 'Months' could mean two or eight. Srsly, I feel for you.

    You're skinny. Don one of Baby TK's diapers and call it a day.

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    1. Excellent idea! I won't rest until I can get under 11 pounds.

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    2. Since we're all into TMI here...

      I have to admit... for a couple of years (maybe 4) after I had my last child I had progressively worse and worse "digestive issues". Luckily I had a child in diapers so I always kept one handy in case I had the urge (it almost always happened in the morning on the way to work). More than once I had to stuff it in the back of my pants and deal with it at the child care center when I dropped her off.

      The worst part is that when I finally found a GI doctor that actually helped, I found out I was taking too many vitamins. I had been taking vitamins for decades, but something about having kids changed something in me. Now I can't even eat cereal that has too much vitamin supplementation.

      The good news was that it stopped within a day or two of stopping the vitamins. The bad news was that I gained 15 pounds in two weeks.

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  5. Like @lablab73, I may be partly responsible as well. I took that stuff last year, and never had any tummy or bowel side effects. So . . . you know . . . somebody has to have these nasty repercussions to ensure balance in this world. Sucks to be you TK.

    You really have had a run of bad luck, ziggy. If it helps any, I'm starting to feel bad about sending you the dwarf porn last year!

    I have to get back to licking & saving all those pictures of wet Rob running down the beach now. Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor!

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    1. Just NOW you're starting to feel bad for the dwarf porn?!

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  6. I think I would rather suffer with the cold than take any medication any more. An antibiotic is how I ended up gluten free - now in retrospect it was probably a blessing in disguise because I probably should have been gluten free well before that medicine but still.

    Good luck and be well.

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    1. I HATE taking medication & I only go to the dr when I have a raging infection. I'd rather just power though the illness than take anything. Of course, that's how I ended up with 2 broken ribs from coughing 11 years ago. I'll never learn.

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    2. I'm with you, Dangrdafne!! I HATE taking medication and usually only do it if it's absolutely, positively necessary. Like, I feel like I might die if I don't.

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    3. Me too. I once spent an entire day of a weekend in Paris on the fucking toilet because I was on a super strength antibiotic. They also - TMI alert - give me raging yeast infections. Luckily, that didn't show up till I got home, preventing a rampage through the streets of Paris, Hulk-style. I won't go to the doctor unless my lungs/sinuses/throat/whatever are in serious actual danger of exploding.

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  7. when i am done laughing my guts out i will comment again.........and get well soon.

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  8. There's a solution to your dilemma my dear. Skip the doctor, suffer through it, or end up wearing an overnight pad at ALL times and stay close to a bathroom. You poor thing. Lol

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  9. ok i have recovered, i have taken a med like that, and i was told to not eat spicy or very greasy foods with it and i should be ok, and i was....so i hope the gods smile down on you and you have no problems. get well soon.

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  10. So sorry! Is Mr.TK giving you lots of TLC and Bebe TK assistance during this siege of dirty germs? And btw, have you asked dr. if maybe you picked something else up at the hospital? not to worry you AT ALL, but there are lots of sick people there....

    @TheRugbyMom, ditto, over a hundred pics on Robsessed, go see! Been hopping back & forth all night-I stare til I feel faint & then have to go somewhere else til my oxygen levels get back to normal, then repeat, repeat, repeat...slideshow, is all I'm sayin'! happy trail, scruff, and a twinkle in his eye...oh, to be the board he's straddling...breathe, Robbie, just breathe!

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  11. Wait...You're STILL sick? When will it be time to call Dr. Kevorkian?

    Is it turning into "Who can shit more in one day: Baby TK or Mama TK"? Having an infant around makes everything a competition, I'm sure. But at least Baby TK gets someone else to wipe her booty without screaming "WHAT THE FUCK?! CAN'T YOU READ THE INSTRUCTIONS?!?!"

    Get better. For fuck's sake!

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    1. Oh Lindsay, I flove you. Lmao over here!

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  12. Being sick with a newborn is the WORST! I got sick shortly after my youngest came home from the NICU, hardest thing ever. I hope you have help, and start to feel better soon!

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  13. I hope you feel better soon!!!! You've been through a ton and this just sucks.

    I was on that antibiotic a few months ago. It was awful, and yes, you should go get some diapers STAT. I finally told the doctor I didn't care if I ruined my immune system that I wasn't taking another one of those pills. And yes, for me the side effects lasted for a month. (Plus, it doesn't tell you about the possible raging yeast infection....I hope you don't get that)

    Probiotic pills sort of helped. You should check with your doctor to see if that would be an option for you. I guess that antibiotic is so strong it pretty much strips your system of all bacteria, even the good kind. I spent 2 months getting my body back into balance and never being more than 5 ft from a bathroom.

    Good luck. I hope you don't get the side effects. Not everyone does. But if you do, I am confident you can bring rubber pants into style. ;-) Hang in there. Hugs!!!!!

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  14. I had a RX with some dire-sounding side effects last year, and managed to get through it without anything...explosive happening. Although I gotta be honest, if something explosive HAD happened months later, there is no way I would have connected the two. So yeah, I am no help at all! Sorry. I DO agree with the probiotics suggestion - that can definitely help.

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  15. Are you sure they didn't give you that diet drug, Ali? Geeeezus, poor TK. Hope you're on the up & up soon.

    xo J

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  16. OMG - that can't be right! Seriously, this has to be a fake label. How the fuck would they trace it back to the antibiotics? Unless it causes C-dif, in which case you'll be praying the Mayans were dead on...

    I'm still LMAO, though, sorry. :>)

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  17. This post made me laugh so hard I was crying.

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  18. Maybe this surfing Rob picture will make you feel better? http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/robert_pattinson_stand_up_paddle_boarding_photos#tab=most_recent&id=112141

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  19. While I am so, so sorry you're still not feeling well, this is one of the funniest things I've read in quite some time. I truly hope the explosive diarrhea doesn't sneak up at you in the middle of the summer.

    But I can't wait to hear that story if it does...

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  20. My prediction: Four years from now, you're going to shit your pants while sitting in a movie theatre. Then turn around to the people behind you, shrug your shoulders and say "antibiotics."

    I hope you feel better.... and no idea what these devil pills are that you're taking but my guess is that Jenny Jerkface somehow bribed your doctor to prescribe them to you.

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  21. One word: acidophilus. I get a supplement in the health food store and up the dosage during and after a round of antibiotics. I never take those bastards unless I'm pretty much dying. They mess up my stomach and my hoohah and personally I'd rather suffer with whatever infection I have for a bit longer than the misery of the scutters and an itchy vajayjay. The acidophilus does help though.

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  22. See Jenny Jerkface's comment. OMG, I felt awful laughing so hard at your predicament, but that shit was funny (you see what I did there?).

    I hope you feel better soon.

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  23. OK my first comment is to say that I thought the title of this post was "Medicinal SNACK attack" which, as a health professional, had me srsly worried.

    Now. A poo attack? That seems soooo unlikely. (let me preface this upcoming statement with 'I haven't read the comments above and I can't be arsed scrolling back thru') Most people who are going to have an adverse reaction to a drug will do so after the first or second dose. Granted, with a 3 x day antibiotic, this could mean gastrointestinal symptoms in the first day, maybe two days at a push. But... months?

    Someone is covering their overly-litigious arse, in my opinion.

    Jenny Jerkface told me she likes how I use 'arse' alot. So now I shall make it my mission. *curtsies*

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