Okay, really it's only spring but whatever. It is finally time to shed our winter coats, hats and gloves here on the East Coast. Or at least the tri-state area, anyway.
It's the exact opposite of this. Without the sword. Fuck it, this picture has NOTHING to do with this post.
My kneecaps felt a warm breeze for the first time in seven months yesterday (er, not counting the week I spent in Texas last month). I even shaved my legs.
Of course, when the weather gets warmer, people start to pull out their summer clothes. For most women, apparently, this is a kind of metamorphosis, like a cold winter caterpillar emerging from her cocoon as a whore-y looking butterfly in a neon bandeau tube-top and micro-mini skirt.
Seriously. 80% of New York City goes straight-up hooker when the temperature hits the 70's and then I'm forced to stare at someone's ass cheeks leaking out of their daisy dukes when I walk up the subway stairs behind them.
Not cool. Ladies, if your rolls look like they're trying to escape your clothes, you need to get a bigger size. Please.
Anyway. I can almost handle that better than I can handle something else. It's something that guys wear. And every summer it makes me want to throw-up.
Mother fucking flip-flops. I cannot stand when guys wear flip-flops.
Frankly, I usually don't give a shit what a guy wears, as long as he doesn't look like a total douchebag and his junk isn't hanging out. But there is something about being on a crowded subway and looking down to see some dude's blackened pinky-toe nail that makes me want to barf.
Jesus Christ, Frodo. Put on some fucking Vans or something...
Am I being sexist? Er, yeah, probably. Feet, in general, freak me out. It's kind of like my violent aversion to oatmeal but in a more ocular sense. But in my defense, women usually have nicer looking feet and most of us will go and get a pedicure before we wiggle our toes into some barely-there footwear.
Dudes, on the other hand, have hairy hobbit feet and those bitches should be contained in socks and shoes. Don't unleash the horror of your crusty, Frito-looking toenails on the rest of us, kind sir!
The only times guys should wear flip-flops are the beach, public showers, and drum circles. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Flip-flops would have been appropriate in this instance. That bathing suit, on the hand, is NEVER appropriate.
I know I shouldn't be this personally offended by another person's appendages but... I just can't help it. I'm not called Jerkface for nothing, ya know?
So, dish! What article/style of clothing makes you have a mental malfunction?