Thursday, May 31, 2012

Open Letter to Summer: So Soon???

Dear Summer:

You and I have known each for quite a long time. I'll be the first to admit that we've had our ups and downs but in general, I really try to like you. I mean, it's nice to actually see the sun when I go to work in the morning AND when I go home. And, between you and I, as much as I love my gigantic sleeping-bag-puffer-coat, it's really not all the flattering.

 More or less what I look like in my puffy coat, except that it's black. And I know nothing about tires.

Fuck this. I was trying to be nice but... no, I just can't do it. Jesus crispies Summer, I really can't stand you.

You were fine when you showed up when you were supposed to but the past few years, you've just shown up here like you’re the boss, gave Spring the boot, and then refused to leave for, like, months.

I like Spring, Summer. I don't like you. Spring is nice and sometimes it's warm and sometimes it's not. But you? You're hotter than the inner circles of hell and you make my ass sweat. Even worse, you make other people's fucking everything sweat. Want to know how much I enjoy standing in a crowded subway with my nose an inch away from some dude's sweaty armpit?

 Also, NEVER Google image search "sniffing armpit". EVER. You're welcome.

About as much as I like having explosive diarrhea in public, Summer. If you bottled the stench of BO on public transportation, you could probably market that shit as chemical warfare.

I know, I know. I'm spoiled. Some people have to deal with you twelve months out of the year. Some people never deal with you at all and probably freeze their tits off year-round. I clearly have First World Problems. I'll donate to charity tomorrow to make up for my whining tonight. But for now, it's nine o'clock at night and I still have a rash that I got walking to the train station on my inner thighs. Two hours ago.

First World Problems are just SO cruel...

Seriously, Summer, the inner-chubby-thigh-fire-thing should not be starting this soon. I literally just tucked away my last pair of tights until Winter comes back (FYI, I do not despise Winter nearly as much as you and she's pretty much an angry cold bitch) and already I have to do that waddling walk thing that I do so my sweaty thighs don’t touch and burst into flames.

And let’s not forget another apparently integral part of summer that I’ve somehow managed to avoid for the past decade up until now. Bathing suits. Nothing is more devastating to an ego than bathing suit shopping. I’ve tried on bathing suits that make me look like a sausage or like I’m wearing a diaper or that I’m just a straight up pasty whale on two legs who got tangled in some spandex. It’s bad enough that people shield their eyes from the reflection of the sun off my skin, now all bathing suit bottoms make me look like I had a poop accident. All because my ass immediately migrated down my thighs the hot second I turned thirty.

I swear this is how I look in a bathing suit on the beach. Minus the giant cross.

Thanks for reminding me of that, Summer. You bitch.

Look, I know lots of people LOVE you. They look forward to arrival every year and spend as much time as they can basking in your sunburn-making glow. But that’s just not me. So, I’m sorry, Summer, but your early arrival will not be met with any fanfare from me. I’ll be the one with the crabby pout and swamp ass, waiting impatiently for Fall to come back around.

No love,
Jenny Jerkface

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Who Has a Wicked Accent?

Even if you're not a football fan, you can still appreciate crazy shit that football players do sometimes. Tom Brady (the quarterback for my New England Patriots) is a funny dude. Sure, he might come across as a hoity toity high society type with his super model wife and his metrosexual style, but deep down, I believe Tom Brady is one hot jokester.

Yes please, I'll take two.

A couple years ago, he appeared on SNL and that was a huge hit. His skit on Sexual Harassment makes me pee my pants every time I see it... plus getting to see Brady in a pair of tighty whiteys makes it that much better! He could sexually harass me any time. Fuck, I'd pay him to harass me. I'm not going to lie... every time I drive down I-495 in Massachusetts near Foxboro, I imagine what I would do if I saw him driving. Um, yeah, I'd totally smash into him. And then offer to make it up to him. With my mouth. On his penis.

So recently Under Armor hired him to do a video. This isn't even a television ad, just a video on Funny or Die that has been getting a lot of press around these here parts. Shit like this makes me love him so much I want to hunt him down and hug him. Or something else... dirtier.

Can you imagine Robert Pattinson face-to-face with a full-sized Edward? I wonder if he would treat FSE with the same violent outburst Tom treated his FST. I just love it when athletes or any celebrity for that matter, do stuff like this that makes them seem... almost... human. Like we could hang out and have a beer. Or seven. And a roll... in the hay. 

And this is why Tom Brady is back on my Freebie Five list. I'm just glad he got rid of the Faux Mo. I'm sure that crazy wife of his always has something to do with his bad haircuts. I think she does it so the other ladies won't lust after him so much. It almost works.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

MORE Robert Pattinson Goodness From Cannes!

I'm sure that this deluge of RPatts-y goodness is going to dry up soon and then we'll be shit out of luck and in withdrawal until who-knows-when, but GAH! Here is yet MORE amazing stuff from Cannes in case you missed it or haven't looked at it in the last 72 hours - the Cosmopolis red carpet (with a tiny little bit of RC Cannesoodling post-screening - woot!).

I was going to post this over the weekend but I know most of you were off roasting weenies or doing whatever it is people who don't live in the U.S. do on Memorial Day weekend (roast weenies?).

I'm going to let these pics do the talking (I think they are all saying "HFS CAN YOU STAND THE HOTNESS?!" more or less...) but let me just say this -  

He's all growned up! 

 In fact, the Cosmopolis premiere in Cannes officially makes up for THIS...and then some.

Exhibit A...A...aaaahhhhhhh...

FLOVE this - resplendent, exultant, glowing, exuberant, insert your face adjective here!


Here are some great pics taken by Caitlin Cronenberg - 


Also, apparently he's quit smoking, which explains whatever it is he's sucking on here. I'm all for people quitting smoking, especially when they look this hot sucking on things other than cancer sticks.

And this red carpet interview concludes Twitarded's mostly-stolen-from-ROBsessed belated Cannes coverage (seriously, those ladies deserve a standing ovation and a vacation). You're welcome. Now back to our previously scheduled snarkiness...

Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day!! More Than Just a Day Off From Work...

Well, it's Memorial Day here in 'Murica and most folks are lounging around in lawn chairs, balancing soggy plates of grilled deliciousness and celebrating this day with their friends and families. By getting totally wasted.

I spent my Memorial Day weekend the same way I do every year -- hanging out at a friend's church-turning-into-a-house-eventually, drinking awesome alcoholic beverages and listening to other friends jam out inside.

But I still haven't forgotten what this day is really about.

So, thank you, soldiers. And thanks to the families that are left behind to worry about their loved ones who are deployed.

War sucks. Killing sucks. In a perfect world we'd all be high-fiving (or ass-slapping, I guess, depending on the culture) each other instead of blowing each other up but unfortunately, this world isn't perfect.

Know what doesn't suck? This guy, a marine by the name of Tim Chambers.

Every year he stands and salutes the fallen soldiers during the Rolling Thunder rally in Washington, D.C.

Here is another video explaining why this marine chooses to do this.

So, enjoy your hotdogs and potato salad and don't forget to high-five a military person!!

Or hug them.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Red-Carpet Rob! Robsten Cannesoodling! CAN YOU STAND IT?!

So those of you who live under rocks (and by "under rocks" I mean "someplace where they don't have Twitter") or who generally rely solely on us for your typically late, hot-off-last-week's-press vaguely-Twilighty news, you are in for a TREAT!!!

Gah! Where to even BEGIN?! Robert Pattinson (even after all these years, I still feel weird calling him "Rob") is currently at the Cannes Film Festival, where he is 1) promoting Cosmopolis 2) Cannesoodling[TM] with Kristen Stewart (who is there to promote On The Road) 3) practicing his new Blue Steel looks on the OTR red carpet.

OK, I'm going to just let the pictures to the talking here - my click-n-save fingers are practically in traction after all the hard, hard work they did today. I'm going to have to go ice them down... A Twitard's work is never done. You're welcome.

In vaguely chronological-ish order...

 How cool is Cannes? The name is Pattinson. Robert Pattinson. Now go make me a martini. soon as we take some pics because THIS IS SOFA KING COOL!!!

 Into the boatousine... Life is good!

...and arrive LIKE A BOSS.

Proceed to mack out on the red carpet and give your possible New Blue Steel looks a test run. Work it like you OWN IT. Because you do.

(clicky for HUGE)

;kdh lsldkgbvl kdhngdk...(clicky for SO BIG)

 Let's call this the "You have been BAD and need to be SPANKED" look. *fans self*

Trust. You'll like it.

Oh yeah Kristen was there, too... Looking very elegant on TomStu's arm!


Peace out - I have a movie film to watch.

And then??? The after-party...

Chill out...


...and then Cannesoodle[TM] in some spot that you don't realize is in camera range. {{{sigh}}}

Let's say it all together now: AWWWWWW!!!

whisper whisper whisper - wait 'til we get back to the hotel and I'm gonna... WHAT NOW?!

...ohhhh shiiiiit - busted!

And here is a vid of the minute-long "event" - I love the little jig he does somewhere around the middle:


...and then today, who emerges like king of the fucking world? Guess he liked whatever she was whispering - look at that cat-who-ate-the-canary smirk!

Who DIDN'T I steal borrow pics from today??? Thanks to my enablers Thinking of Rob, Just Jared, Robert Pattinson Life, RobStenation, and ROBsessed - click on any of those links to find the other 3,247,638 pics that I didn't copy and and share here. Oh and my employer would like to thank you all for the my massive lack of productivity today. If my health insurance won't pay for my crippled mouse-hand, I'll be sending you all a bill. YOU DID THIS TO ME.

And finally, special thanks and let's give a warm Twitarded welcome to my sister-in-law, heretofore to be known as SnarkySIL until she comes up with her own moniker, who still likes me (and possibly likes me more now!) even though she recently discovered that I have a Twilight blog. And despite what she's already read about me, and what I have written here, and the fact that I am presently mooning over some dude who is not her brother, and that eventually she will probably find a really really old post with her picture in it. She hasn't called the Appropriateness Police on me or anything (yet)! *waves*

P.S. Make sure to check back in over the weekend - we don't usually post on Fridays and Saturdays anymore, but there is more Red Carpetward coming up tomorrow at the Cosmopolis premiere, and we might not be able to wait until Monday to get all the goodness up here. I'm not sure how he could possibly turn up the hot-o-meter short of strutting down the red carpet nekkid, but I am definitely staying tuned to see him try!