You know these kinds of people. These are the people who plow onto a crowded subway car while 200 people are attempting to get off, or stand on a checkout line and chat on their phone, totally oblivious to the line of Rage growing behind them.
Shortly after this picture was taken, this man was beaten to death with his own Nokia...
I have my moments where I find myself glowering angrily at the back of someone's head, thinking things that aren't polite to think about, and would probably land me in jail or a mental hospital if I actually acted on them.
But lately, it's those mother fuckers who ride the elevator with me who have attracted my ire.
Here's the thing - unless you live in the Shire or some place where there aren't a lot of buildings over two stories tall, fine, you might not understand the delicate balance of courtesy that is required when you're cramming your body into a small box suspended on wires with a bunch of other strangers.
Weight limit, Sheight wimit. We can all squeeze in!!!
However, I work in New York City and 99% of those fucking buildings are multiple stories so those people should know how to ride in an elevator without acting like a total douche nugget.
As such, in an attempt to possibly educate the public, I've compiled a short list that I'm calling "The Dos and Dont's" of elevator riding.
1) If you work on the second floor, take the goddamn the stairs. The only excuses you have for taking the elevator up one floor is if you’re old, disabled or carrying a duffel bag of bricks or dead bodies. The stairs are always quicker and there are already enough bodies jammed into those moving boxes of claustrophobic hell. It’s New York City, you walk everywhere, stop being a lazy fuck and go up the stairs.
Saying a New Yorker has never used an elevator is saying that a shark has never shit in the water...
2) For the people who work on the top floors – don’t you glare at the rest of us because it takes you ten minutes to get to your floor (except the people who work on the 2nd floor. Glare away at them). It’s not our problem you work for the fancy penthouse company. Suck it up, twinkletoes, and amuse yourself by playing with your Kindle, iPod, iPad, iWhatever for the duration of the ride.
3) When there is a small village of people waiting for an elevator to arrive, do not get in and immediately hit the "door closed" button, you selfish twat. You’re not Donald Trump and it’s not your private elevator. You need to learn to share with the rest of us peasants. Asshole. If you do this and I manage to jump into the elevator, I promise you I will hit every fucking button for every floor.
4) Don’t ever make eye contact with someone outside the elevator while you’re hitting “door closed.” The moment you make eye contact, you become a dick for shutting the elevator in their face, even if that wasn’t your intention. And they will remember you and return the favor in kind.
5) If someone reopens the elevator door for you, thank them. Don’t stare at them like they’re assholes for letting it close in the first place. Walk faster, donkeytwat. Or wait for the next elevator.
6) On the flipside, if you’re outside the elevator and you stick your hand in to make the doors reopen, do not then sit there holding the door open for your friend who is moseying toward it with sixteen Mocha-latte-skim-foam-baby-feet-Frappaccino from Starbucks. Fuck you. How dare you make me wait like my time isn’t precious just because you don’t want to be bothered taking another elevator, you fucking spoiled little princess.
7) When someone says “excuse me” in an elevator, it’s usually because they want to get off of it and you are in their way. Fucking move. While it’s flattering that you think moving an 1/8th inch will allow me to slide past, it’s not. Get the fuck out of my way.
A group of ass-clowns ignoring the muffled shrieks of "EXCUSE ME, PLEEEEASE!!" coming from the back of the elevator.
8) DO NOT pretend that you don’t hear people saying “excuse me”. If you do this, I hope that random strangers suddenly start punching you in the dick (or vagina) everywhere you go, you goddamn prima donna. Getting off the elevator shouldn’t turn into a mosh pit, with all the pushing and shoving. You might think you’re in your own little world but you’re not and everyone here hates you.
10) Don’t roll your eyes and sigh in annoyance when people are getting on and off the elevators. What the hell do you think people do on elevators? Just ride them indefinitely? You’re on the elevator because you want to get to another floor, right? Well, you’re not special. Everyone else uses the elevators for the same goddamn reason and your sense of entitlement makes me wish horrible things would happen to you.
11) For love of all that is holy, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Get off the goddamn phone. Oh, you’re having a conference call? Bully for you, NO ONE ELSE CARES, SHUT UP. No one wants to hear about your shitty date, or your awesome apartment or ANYTHING. We just want to go up. Or down.You're only going to be in the elevator for about twenty seconds (unless you work in the penthouse) and if you can't shut you piehole for that long you have a problem.
Even Stewie from Family Guy agrees with me (sorry for the abysmal video):
Well, there you have it. I have a feeling this list could go on and on and I'm sure I've forgotten some major points.
But I imagine you'll fill them in for me in the comments below.