We here at Twitarded, enjoy discussing fecal matters. It's usually Jenny Jerkface's department but I thought I'd jump in here with my own poop post. So if you're uncomfortable with discussions about launching the brown torpedo, you may want to avert your eyes. Although I imagine most of you come here specifically for our toilet humor.
Hi-dee Ho! Let's talk about me!
I was dropping the kids off at the pool the other day and when I got up to flush, I noticed my number two was MIA. Huh? I'm 99.9% sure something came out, where the hell did it go? I looked up on the interwebs about this crazy phenomenon and lo and behold, it has a name.
May I present to you...
Did anyone notice where it says "Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went." Errr... I don't care if my ka-ka did vanish like Edward Cullen afraid of getting caught watching me sleep, I think I would've wiped my ass. *shakes head* In fact, Mr. Latchkey often accuses me of using half a roll of toilet paper every time I drop a dookie. Not true. I only use a quarter of the roll. What? Fuck the environment. Who wants a fudge finger?
I'm also quite perplexed by the floating feces. What in the hell makes shit float? I couldn't find a name for it on my new favorite website (Poopnames.com) so I'm making up my own.
Dead Man's Float Dump - You apparently have an excess of gas in your system thus making your poop float like a long-dead corpse. These types of dumps are handy because there's no question on whether or not you actually went. (see above Houdini dump) Although they're also famous for not wanting to flush on the first try.If I'm not mistaken, isn't it an accumulation of gasses in the body that make a corpse float as well? Gotta remember those cement shoes to keep the evidence hidden!
I'm sure a lot of you work in an office and you're probably, at times, forced to make a deposit at your office's porcelain bank. And even though crapping is about as natural as it gets, you still have a fear of someone hearing the plop-plop fizz-fizz coming from your stall. (Unless your Jenny Jerkface who will actually try to force out an ass rocket just to mortify her bathroom mate.)
This one's for you...
I often find that if there's an electric hand dryer in the bathroom, punch that baby on before you go into the stall. It works wonders for hiding those undesirable sound effects. I implemented this tactic quite often in my college dorm. I have also heard that in Japan, they have toilets that make constant flushing sounds to mask the...other sounds. Genius!
If you're still here and I haven't completely grossed you out, tell me what your favorite poop type is? Check out Poopnames.com to help you get the proper scientific term for the big brown man knocking at your back door!