Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Magical Mystery Turd

You can't tell me you're not humming the Beatles right now... well, that's if you're old enough to know about the Beatles.

We here at Twitarded, enjoy discussing fecal matters. It's usually Jenny Jerkface's department but I thought I'd jump in here with my own poop post. So if you're uncomfortable with discussions about launching the brown torpedo, you may want to avert your eyes. Although I imagine most of you come here specifically for our toilet humor.

Hi-dee Ho! Let's talk about me!

I was dropping the kids off at the pool the other day and when I got up to flush, I noticed my number two was MIA. Huh? I'm 99.9% sure something came out, where the hell did it go? I looked up on the interwebs about this crazy phenomenon and lo and behold, it has a name.

May I present to you...


Did anyone notice where it says "Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went." Errr... I don't care if my ka-ka did vanish like Edward Cullen afraid of getting caught watching me sleep, I think I would've wiped my ass. *shakes head* In fact, Mr. Latchkey often accuses me of using half a roll of toilet paper every time I drop a dookie. Not true. I only use a quarter of the roll. What? Fuck the environment. Who wants a fudge finger?

I'm also quite perplexed by the floating feces. What in the hell makes shit float? I couldn't find a name for it on my new favorite website (Poopnames.com) so I'm making up my own.
Dead Man's Float Dump - You apparently have an excess of gas in your system thus making your poop float like a long-dead corpse. These types of dumps are handy because there's no question on whether or not you actually went. (see above Houdini dump) Although they're also famous for not wanting to flush on the first try.
If I'm not mistaken, isn't it an accumulation of gasses in the body that make a corpse float as well? Gotta remember those cement shoes to keep the evidence hidden!

I'm sure a lot of you work in an office and you're probably, at times, forced to make a deposit at your office's porcelain bank. And even though crapping is about as natural as it gets, you still have a fear of someone hearing the plop-plop fizz-fizz coming from your stall. (Unless your Jenny Jerkface who will actually try to force out an ass rocket just to mortify her bathroom mate.)

This one's for you...


I often find that if there's an electric hand dryer in the bathroom, punch that baby on before you go into the stall. It works wonders for hiding those undesirable sound effects. I implemented this tactic quite often in my college dorm. I have also heard that in Japan, they have toilets that make constant flushing sounds to mask the...other sounds. Genius!

If you're still here and I haven't completely grossed you out, tell me what your favorite poop type is? Check out Poopnames.com to help you get the proper scientific term for the big brown man knocking at your back door!

28 comments:

  1. Well, here's a link to good pooping.. http://www.oprah.com/health/Everybody-Poops I remember this show. All I have to say is Happy pooping. I'm a "get in get out" kinda girl,no reading or dilly-dallying. Love our poo talks..HA!

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  2. My favorite poopname would be the corn poopy--no explanation needed. Also, poop floats because your body is getting rid of fat. Fat floats. That's a good thing for dieters.

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    1. No lie... once my family was having corn on the cob and my brother looked at his piece and then said to IT, "I'll see you later!" LOL!

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  3. Ahhhh!!! I love this. My husband showed me a website like that a while ago. Our favorite is something called the "Turd Burglar" like when you're dropping a deuce and someone is trying to break into your stall. That's what we call our dog...he likes to steal our cats' poo. And seriously, just about a half hour ago my 1 yr old son just crapped on our kitchen floor. The dog ate some of it. And there was corn involved.

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    1. I have a turd burglar dog also. I'm glad I don't have cats or kids to taunt her with...

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    2. @VLovesElvis OMG! That was so funny! I'm in pain now because my wine just came out through my nose!

      Peanuts come out the other end just like corn!

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    3. Haha, Ugh, thank goodness our twins aren't quite old enough to eat peanuts,yet!

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  4. I'm laughing when I'm in the bathroom at work and you hear the machine gun go off. I automatically think they must have ate at the salad bar we have at work, turning themselves into a "salad shooter".

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    1. "Salad shooter"?! lmfao! People KNOW that?! I am always baffled by my digestive system when salad goes in one end and out the other in an hour or two - WTF!? - are they washing the lettuce in saline???

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  5. Ha! No one knows the second verse of the Irish national anthem. I barely know the first verse. Sinn na Fianna Fáil, la la la something Éireann... Um, yeah *waves tiny tricolour flag* I'm a total patriot. Especially when I'm pooping.

    I'm pretty sure poop is supposed to float. It means you're getting enough fibre. Don't know what a Houdini poop means. Maybe you're not eating enough iron? (chains and padlocks. Geddit? I know, I suck)

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  6. Aww. Cute picture. Mr. Hankey has become our family's traditional Christmas Eve cartoon. 'Cause nothing spells Christmas like a turd with a Santa hat.

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  7. i just have no fucking words for this.....but its really nice to know that everybody poops. i haven't checked the link but i like to call my really good poops a quickie. yes, i know thats supposed to be something we name sex, but fuck it, i just like a nice smooth quick dump. when a fudgsicle slides out of my ass nice and easy, i'm happy it was a quickie!

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  8. Mhmm...thanks for the link to poop names! Now I can tell my second half that what he calls M&Ms poopie is actually corn poopie!

    How dare he compare feses with my fave candy ever!?!!!
    My top 2 fave poopies besides corn poopie

    The Cable Dump and The Mona Lisa Dump.

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  9. I was almost afraid to come look at the comments today (or to read this last night lol) but I'm cracking. I have a new appreciation of poop humor, and I will think of you guys every time I...never mind.

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  10. OH NO!!! This post is WAY TOO FUNNY!! I was reading this while on hold to take a customer's order in AK. He came on heard me laugh-talking to him & then said "hang on, I'll come back in a minute." Thank God I have great customers!

    @LKW - I know exactly what you are talking about. Those Houdini Poops always just weird me out.

    DId you guys know that if you take iron vitamins it will make your poop green? HAHAHA!

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  11. I had to go look at the website...lol. My brothers after drinking would call it MUD BUD..but I see a few on there that are laugh worthy. Little Bo Poop, Blast a dookie, Bloop,Nasty Pickle, Captains Log,and Scooby Doo, Me, I'm kinda like this:

    The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

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    1. YES! This is the one that came to mind right away. I was thinking it should be called The Clean Getaway.

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  12. LKW, thank you for this poop post. I felt like things were getting a little too serious around these parts. Thank you for bringing it back down to my level.

    The most important thing I've learned about poop, after wiping my little one's ass for years, is sometimes the TP lies. Sure, it looks clean, but there can still be a big smear left behind, er, on your behind. Always use a wet wipe, I say!

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  13. I don't know. I think that little turd would look better in a Sombrero.

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    1. I agree. I feel the Santa hat really limits his opportunities throughout the rest of the year. A sombrero or even a fedora would be much more versatile.

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  14. The Magical Mystery Turd, you're going to flush it away. GOING TO FLUSH IT AWAAAAAY!!!

    Love our poop talks. Bentist and I have seen that website before, and it was weeks of fun calling out what was floating (or sinking). I am proud to tell you that I have observed and named a spectacular turd.

    I present to you....The Brick & Mortar. This is the shit that starts solid, but once that brick falls, it's all mortar after that. You know you've been there, and now it has a name.

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    1. Brick & Mortar = the story of my life. I'm there. All. the. time.

      Have I told you lately how much I love you? And I miss your face...

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    2. good it feels to get together and share happiness with you, glad to be able to find your blog and I can share experiences, make new friends and share information, love it if you want to join in my blog if you like it ... thank you


      www.seosafety.blogspot.com

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  15. LMMFAO!! Thanks, I needed that laugh/total gross out today!

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  16. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom now.

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