Thursday, May 31, 2012

Open Letter to Summer: So Soon???

Dear Summer:

You and I have known each for quite a long time. I'll be the first to admit that we've had our ups and downs but in general, I really try to like you. I mean, it's nice to actually see the sun when I go to work in the morning AND when I go home. And, between you and I, as much as I love my gigantic sleeping-bag-puffer-coat, it's really not all the flattering.

 More or less what I look like in my puffy coat, except that it's black. And I know nothing about tires.

Fuck this. I was trying to be nice but... no, I just can't do it. Jesus crispies Summer, I really can't stand you.

You were fine when you showed up when you were supposed to but the past few years, you've just shown up here like you’re the boss, gave Spring the boot, and then refused to leave for, like, months.

I like Spring, Summer. I don't like you. Spring is nice and sometimes it's warm and sometimes it's not. But you? You're hotter than the inner circles of hell and you make my ass sweat. Even worse, you make other people's fucking everything sweat. Want to know how much I enjoy standing in a crowded subway with my nose an inch away from some dude's sweaty armpit?

 Also, NEVER Google image search "sniffing armpit". EVER. You're welcome.

About as much as I like having explosive diarrhea in public, Summer. If you bottled the stench of BO on public transportation, you could probably market that shit as chemical warfare.

I know, I know. I'm spoiled. Some people have to deal with you twelve months out of the year. Some people never deal with you at all and probably freeze their tits off year-round. I clearly have First World Problems. I'll donate to charity tomorrow to make up for my whining tonight. But for now, it's nine o'clock at night and I still have a rash that I got walking to the train station on my inner thighs. Two hours ago.

First World Problems are just SO cruel...

Seriously, Summer, the inner-chubby-thigh-fire-thing should not be starting this soon. I literally just tucked away my last pair of tights until Winter comes back (FYI, I do not despise Winter nearly as much as you and she's pretty much an angry cold bitch) and already I have to do that waddling walk thing that I do so my sweaty thighs don’t touch and burst into flames.

And let’s not forget another apparently integral part of summer that I’ve somehow managed to avoid for the past decade up until now. Bathing suits. Nothing is more devastating to an ego than bathing suit shopping. I’ve tried on bathing suits that make me look like a sausage or like I’m wearing a diaper or that I’m just a straight up pasty whale on two legs who got tangled in some spandex. It’s bad enough that people shield their eyes from the reflection of the sun off my skin, now all bathing suit bottoms make me look like I had a poop accident. All because my ass immediately migrated down my thighs the hot second I turned thirty.

I swear this is how I look in a bathing suit on the beach. Minus the giant cross.

Thanks for reminding me of that, Summer. You bitch.

Look, I know lots of people LOVE you. They look forward to arrival every year and spend as much time as they can basking in your sunburn-making glow. But that’s just not me. So, I’m sorry, Summer, but your early arrival will not be met with any fanfare from me. I’ll be the one with the crabby pout and swamp ass, waiting impatiently for Fall to come back around.

No love,
Jenny Jerkface

23 comments:

  1. I flove summer. *Runs and hides*

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  2. Hot weather. That's what I hated most about living in Mississippi. Moving "up here" gave me seasons, but I think I might be happier if I lived where it was much cooler all year round. I can always put on more clothes to get warm, but no one wants to see me taking off clothes because of the heat!

    Every morning I wake up and check the dashboard on my macbook. I have local weather and Forks weather side-by-side. Even if it's raining there, I always think they've got it better than we do on the east coast.

    So I will continue to grumble about the weather, but I am soooo thankful I don't have to depend on public transportation! You win!

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    1. I heard Mississippi is hotter than all hell. You might have me beat in the "hot as a shithouse" department, lol.

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  3. I grew up - quite happily - in Florida. Summers there don't suck nearly as much as summers in my current state (Georgia). There, the bay breeze blows, the beach is never far away, and the power companies are fully prepared for everyone who tries to turn their homes into an igloo from March to October. Here... not so much. The air just HANGS. It sucks.

    Oh, and last year, when I was knocked up all summer, I had to resort to powdering my thighs with baby powder, and dusting the flap between my boobs and belly, to make it through a day. Go ahead, picture it. I was the beached whale coated in a paste made from sweat and baby powder. Lovely.

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  4. that was flippin' hilarious.
    not a big fan of the summer months myself (and how they keep coming earlier and earlier...) but my aunt is THE WORST, looking forward to hearing her bitch for the ENTIRE summer. I feel you on the 'first world problems' I KNOW people are rolling their eyes at me when I complain that I'm going to Disney World, in June for a super fun extended family get together. But, c'mon people, let me bitch! Florida. Theme Park. June. I'm going to incinerate and hopefully not get stabby!

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  5. Lmao! I love you JJ. As much as that probablly weirds you out, your hillarious.

    Im on the fence about summer. I love swimming, love late night drive-in with husband and kids, and especially love the theme parks. But, and this is a BIG but, I hate the scalding heat because Im a dishusting sweater, and I really hate misquitos! There evil, bitting, swarming, mother fuckers! They equally hate me and seek me out for just that reason, and I guess your right Jenny... Its all summers fault.

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  6. I feel your pain, JJ. Here in Texas, it's hotter than the sun's fiery asshole. I've resorted to wearing bicycle shorts under all skirts. It's a fucking thigh-saver, ladies! No more sweaty, chafing thighs! And best of all, you can NOT tell you're wearing them under your dress/skirt. I've even worn them under skin-tight miniskirts. You should try it! Wal-Mart has some by Danskin for like $7.

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  7. Hey hey hey. Today is the first day of winter here in the Southern Hemisphere. I have no sympathy.

    *shrugs on puffer jacket and heads out, cue melancholy music*

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  8. As a child/teenager/young adult, I floved summer hardcore for obvious reasons (no school, no work, sitting around all day eating popsicles, etc). Now, I have a love hate thing for it. Love the long summer days, endless BBQs, swimming etc. HATE the heat, humidity, swamp ass... you get the picture. I live in MA, near the ocean, so it's not as bad as NY or any state south of here but I still love Fall and Spring way more. So I've come up with a solution... the hubby and I are moving to WA (seriously)! Now we won't be in Forks :( but we will be within a reasonable driving distance, FTW! I was hoping to be moving there before it got hot as hell around here but it looks like I'll have to endure one more hot, humid, and muggy summer here in New England. I don't even care that it rains a lot out there, I can't wait for those mild winters and coolish summers!!!

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  9. Amen! The only thing I love about summer is my parent's 4th of July party. We order giant inflatable slides and slip n slides and before people arrive I and a few closer related grown ups people you don't mind seeing you in a bathing suit) we play with the kids and pretend we're 12. Then when people start arriving we get dressed and my mom busts out the margaritaville machine, she makes a mean margarita. After we vent our anger blowing things up we all go to bed and I go back to wishing it was fall.

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  10. I love summer as long as I get to move from one temperature-controlled environment to another...

    I hate how somehow here in NJ spring always seems to get shafted by summer. We'll get a handful of really glorious spring-like days (like today!) and then it's just humid and GROSS.

    [end whine]

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  11. Really? I stop by in what seems like forfuckingever (my bad) and you had to use the wh*le word?! ;)

    I'm sure LKW will back me up on this. Summer means baseball, so I have to have me so summer. But that's it. The heat? The humidity? The need to shave my legs so I can traumatize people by wearing shorts? Ugh.

    Miss you guys!

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    1. Baseball is one of the few things that gets me excited about summer. Although this year, with my Sox in last place, (WHAT?) I've been a bit depressed. Hoping they snap out of it fast!

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  12. *some

    Yep. Still the queen of typos. FML.

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  13. Summer. Up here in WA pretty much EVERYONE loves summer. We get our 3 months (hopefully) of beautiful outdoor weather instead of rain. I even try not to complain when it hits the 90's. For example, today is supposed to be 64 & raining. BOOOOOOOOOO!!! I want to ride my horse OUTSIDE!!

    @JJ - I was going to suggest wearing those spandex biker shorts but @Kelly the Great beat me to it. :-)

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  14. Summer means bugs and I hate bugs. I spend a good portion of spring/summer fighting pests in my gardens and on my dogs. And I FUCKING HATE THE HEAT! I turn into a giant crankypants, that's for sure!

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  15. true, exactly..
    and for we Indians its really a truoblesome days. The hot goes up more than 50 degree in some part of..
    and people are dying of sun strok, heat waves, sun burn..
    so summer, do you here we are hopefully looking the winter..
    If summer comes does a winter far behind..?

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  16. Ah, the dreaded chub rub. They actually sell anti-friction lotion to prevent chaffing,it's supposed to be for runners, but works just as well for fatty thighs too. What I use is just cheap ass white stick antiperspirant. You have to use it before you get irritated or it will burn like the first deodorant after an armpit shave, but it works wonders. Or maybe you could try this gem http://www.amazon.com/Chafe-Shield-Anti-Chafing-Underwear-Large/dp/B005I6J5CA/ref=sr_1_11?s=sporting-goods&ie=UTF8&qid=1338579822&sr=1-11 ,which I found while googleing the anti-chafe lotion. "Comfortable and hygienic!" they forgot to add dead sexy! One question though Underworks, shouldn't there be another garment that you wear underneath that one to prevent all the giant elastic harness straps from chafing the rest of your body?

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  17. I will never complain about summer. I love the heat, the beach, and just being able to go outside without wearing 85 layers of clothing. I'm in MA too, so it really takes me spring, summer, and fall to recover from the horror that is winter. I hate being cold. Even in the heat of summer I sleep under blankets and can't stand a fan blowing on me. I am such a happier person once the thermometer gets above 80 degrees. If you don't want summer, I'll take it! I am glad I don't have to deal with public transport BO tho. yeesh.

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  18. I love the heat, ...and hot,...wet..... Ahhhh yeah. Plus I have a pool so I like to get to use it..and a motorcycle so.yeah bring on summer. I need to move where it's always warm, but not stifling . I hate being sweaty, but 80 I can live with. Happy summer y'all. I don't envy you the PT and people's sweaty armpits in your face...that's just wrong.

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  19. I love Summer, but it's totally different in San Diego. Spring is well, Spring - ish. We get May gray & June gloom. Something about the cool air coming off the water meeting the warm inland air....it's marine layer central May-mid July sometimes. So the beach tends to be blah for the first part of the Summer. If you're 15 minutes inland like we are, it isn't as bad. Our real sunny warm Summer comes late July through the end of September. Sure a week here or there with a real heat wave, but they never last too long. I think you'd like it out here, never too hot for too long and never too cold for too long. I guess I should appreciate it more :)

    And I was serious, DG still LOL's about the swamp ass post from way back when. It had him almost in tears....mainly I think because he could relate. LIke I said, he calls it "S.A." He'll look at me and say "Babe...I have a serious case of SA." Nice DG, nice.

    Hang in there and talcum powder works wonders.

    xo J

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  20. I hate the heat SFM. And I live in coastal BC, Canada, so I'm sure to some people it might not seem like it's even that bad. But it is to me! I'm basically a cranky, listless puddle of sweat from May/June until September. I love early Spring, and Autumn, but once it get above about 20 degrees I'm miserable.(That's 68 fahrenheit...I had to google ;P)
    Friends and family are always dreaming about/going on trips to Mexico or Hawaii, but my dream vacation is Scotland in the winter! They all think I'm nuts.

    I don't normally comment(probably due to the toddlers currently jumping up and down demanding to be read to RIGHT NOW), but I identified with this post so much that I had to!

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  21. For me, it's not the heat, it's the humidity! Blech

    I am definitely also a winter clothes person - I love sweaters and boots so much, I hate to give them up for so many months.

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