Monday, May 14, 2012

When Relatives Attack!

Let me preface this post by saying I love my family more than words can say. I love family gatherings. I love birthdays and holidays and cookouts and just plain hanging out. I've always gotten along amazingly with my parents, and my brother and I have always been the closest of friends. And now, with the addition of his wife and daughter, the Latchkey family tree couldn't be more fun!

However... there are some members of the extended family that leave a little a lot to be desired. I won't call this person out by name (or relation) just in case of an accidental Twitarded discovery, so I'll refer to her as "the moron" (TM). The name alone would indicate that even if she were to stumble onto this blog post, she would have absolutely no idea it was about her.

I was forced to spend the better part of Mother's Day weekend with the moron. And just like every time I see her, I wonder if this will be the time when she doesn't (a) annoy the fuck out of me, and (b) annoy the FUCK out of me. Because she really, really always annoys the fuck out of me.

I failed to follow instructions. It would've made the weekend a lot easier.

You see, she is the sibling of someone close to me. I'm convinced she must have been adopted because she is so completely different from this sibling. Even the sibling hates her company. Which is good because then I can complain to said sibling without feeling like the total bitch I am.

I'm always utterly dumfounded as to how this person has survived her nearly 40 years on this earth without being run over by a bus or murdered by her teenage child who she often treats as some sort of indentured servant. It's a strange relationship that I don't care to delve into, but let's just say she's a single mother that maybe...possibly...was not cut out for motherhood. They bicker like children and argue like siblings and leave the rest of us shaking our heads and counting the minutes until their departure.

This really has nothing to do with the post other than I sort of felt like the guy with the pet rock. Plus, it came up on imgur.com when I searched "mother's day" - go figure.

I can't say anything to TM without it being repeated several times over the next few hours, mostly out of context. It makes me not want to talk to her. At all.

Example: I was reading The Taker (a book Jenny Jerkface recommended) and she asked what I was reading. Before I could tell her, she asked me if I had heard about this 50 Shades book. I told her yes, and informed her of the type of book it was. I may have used the word "porn" to describe it. And I may have semi-whispered the word "porn" because of the particular company present at the time. For the rest of the afternoon, she kept telling everyone I was reading porn on my iPad. Not that there's anything wrong with that... but really? I told her on the hush-hush for a fucking reason!

I could go on and on and on with all the ridiculous things that come out of TM's mouth but I fear you would run screaming from your computer. So make me feel better about my weekend... and please entertain me with stories of your not-so-smart relatives and the shit they did to annoy you over Mother's Day.

For all my mom friends. Better late than never.

29 comments:

  1. I just read this post and the two before it, and I can't conjure up a single intelligent thing to write as a comment. Hi. I'm still here, befuddled/exhausted brain and all. Will try to catch up: Cosmopolis will be awesome, happy belated mothers day, and I never see most of my relatives, so no issues there. I'll try to be wittier tomorrow :)

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    1. LOL! It sounds like motherhood may have wiped you out today, huh?

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    2. Little bit :) but as ever, you guys provide the laugh a day that keeps me sane.

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  2. My TM is a one-upper. Mom's day brunch when someone asked me about our planned Disney trip this summer, she cut me off and went on and on about her Disney plans, which she was totally making up as she went along. "Oh, you're only staying 5 nights...hahaha. We're staying 10/ Oh, you're flying...Hahaha. I've rented a land yacht that will be pulled to FL by unicorns!"
    She is broke as a joke, but will some how manage to pull off some ghetto Disney tour, which I'm sure will involve her and her 4 spawn crashing our hotel room when her 99 Dodge Caravan breaks down.

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    1. Unicorns! That really should be the only way to get to Disney... Actually my MIL *was* at Disney last week. Sadly she didn't tell us about her plans and we sent flowers and candy to her house days before she got home. Boooo...

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  3. Love that sign!! I love my son dearly (he's 18), but yeah...

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  4. My lovely daughter brought me wine for mother's day, then she drank the entire bottle herself!

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    1. {{Hangs head in shame}} I would probably do something like this. But I'd offer you some first?

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  5. i have nothing good to say about my mother's day. its my 2nd least favorite holiday, thanksgiving is my first. but i can tell you that my hubs side of the family is completely bat shit crazy, so i can sympathize with having to deal with assholes every holiday season, i deal with a bunch of them. my favorite relative of my hubs is an alcoholic. at least when it comes time to celebrate with his side of the family and his sister is commenting on my weight i know i have one guy to have a drink with.

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  6. There are many moments I want to punch my own sister in the face if that makes you feel better. And I'm not one to hold my anger in. I'm 10 years younger than her and have been pulled off of her many times for stunts she's tried to pull in my life. The worst was when I was pregnant with my son and she was trying to convince our mother to convince me to give him up for adoption to her. Not going to happen. My kids are turning out great. My nieces on the other hand...lets say I won't be surprised to see them on 16 and pregnant.

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    1. Wow. Just wow. It always amazes me when family members decide to do stupid shit like this. Hell, I got mad when I read this!

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  7. OK, you asked for it...TM is a nephew...divorced(caught fucking around-literally)so I lost my sweet niece-in-law & kindred Twifan (not Twitarded, but at least had read books/watched movies-we still keep in touch)...2 bimbos later, he shacks up w/#3 & gets her preggers w/twin boys-this woman already has a 1-yr old son & apparently thinks you can effectively reduce a child's fever by dunking it in the ocean off OOB-in October-true story. Yeah. I fear for these babies. Anyway, my mom...soon-to-be-great-grandma...invites them over as a SURPRISE! To MY house where the Mom's Day festivities were held - I think I nearly bled to death from biting my tongue...no, I don't want to look at the ultrasound!....and trying NOT to stab my own mom...ILOVEHERILOVEHERILOVEHER...I hid in my room staring at New Moon Edward on the wall, moaning "why can't you be real & just BITE ME NOW!", then when I ran out of wine (only 2 bottles in the house, who knew I'd be facing a multiple-bottle situation on Mom's day?)I had to resort to eating my mom's day gifts (Lindt dark choc truffles-mmmmm). So,now I blame my mom for the new muffin top on my old muffin top as well as my overdrawing the checking acct to fill the basement with enough wine to see me through the father's day sure-to-be-another debacle. BUT, I did get to enjoy the Pretty's Bday post-thank you! And my awesome sons wrote & performed a song for me (lyrics were somewhat repetitive-"We love you Mom" was kind of the one line-but isn't that what it's all about? I adored it!) Anyway, thanks for listening (reading??!?) whatevs, just, thanks (again) for keeping me sane & happy! fyi, one of my cousins bought a Kindle, & her 1st purchase? "Have you heard of this new book called 50 Shades? Oh my! It's so hot!"...yeah, sweetie, it is...was...no sense even going there, she doesn't have a clue!

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    1. I HATE THAT.
      Call me CDO (and many have) but I think it is SO RUDE to invite people to other people's homes without letting them know. My parent's have a 4th of July party every year and it's generally known that some people will bring a straggler along and that's expected for that party. A few weeks ago, we had a family game night at my house and my brother brought his friend and sometimes he and my SIL bring her sister (who I would like to punch in the face) this really irritates me. It's especially awkward when it's a family member that's invited the guest which I think makes it worse.

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  8. My SIL's family are TMs. All of them. I think they've begun to figure out that we think this because they seem to be spending less time hanging around. My SIL is the dark horse of her family, she's funny, smart, self-less and my fellow twifan. Her mother is an idiot and thinks that that's an adorable trait. She's a mooch and has not had a sensible job ever and neither has her husband and she's taught her daughters that living this way is also acceptable. I don't understand how people like this leave their house in the morning and manage to find their way back. All they care about is their appearance, even if it means they can't afford to stay in any of the homes they purchase (what kind of dumbass bank keeps giving these people money) more than 3 months. Me and my parents paid for my brother's wedding, pulled the mess they made out of the abyss(for starters they decided it would be okay to invite 300 to a chapel that seats 75, that's just the tip of the iceberg) and they then sent my mother a card that said "Thank you for your help, we worked so hard planning the wedding and your small contribution was appreciated." REALLY???????
    Cut to a couple of months ago, my SIL had a miscarriage. Terrible. We're a close family so I brought them a peach cobbler, my brother's favorite. I got there just in time to find that they (SIL's mother and sister (which is a whole new bucket of idiocy)) had told my brother that he didn't lose anything and my SIL that now she could lose weight and that it wasn't a big deal because it could have been a girl and they (SIL's family) wanted a girl and she should start going to the gym that night so that she could be ready for "bikini season."

    I don't know where the strength came from to not bash their heads in with rocks. How stupid can you be?????

    I post on here relatively often but I'm posting anonymous because others know my username.

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    1. That is seriously some of the most insensitive actions I've ever read about. WHO does that??

      Clearly, you are a fucking saint, my friend.

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  9. WOW! I do not envy you guys. I have a lot of family that I don't see often & the ones I do see I enjoy. It helps that I only go to a few family functions a year. I don't know how you all deal with your TM's. YIKES!!!

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  10. WAIT WAIT WAIT!! I totally thought of the ones that get me royally pissed. I have an aunt & uncle that DRIVE ME CRAZY! They spend money like they're millionares and are totaly not. They've already started planning what they are going to be doing with all my grandmas properties & what not and she's not even gone! Greedy bastards! I mean HELLO! She has two other children besides you! Get real! I almost actually slapped my aunt the last time she started talking about how they were going to live in my Grammy's house etc. right after we came back from visiting her in the hospital. (I totally went home to my mom & tattled on her). She was sitting on the porch drinking beer while I was inside cleaning the whole place for when she came home. UGH! I am THISCLOSE to hating them.

    WHEW! THat totally got me on a rant.

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  11. I love my relatives..I actually spent the weekend camping with about 15 of them..had a blast. Although my dad's side are crazy party animals and my moms side are not so much party animals (sans you LKW) But I can honestly say that theres not a family member I can think of that annoys me. Hubs side is a little out there, but all in all I am very happy to say I have a massive family whom I love dearly. OH, ps..I KNOW who YOU are talking about LKW, (batshit crazy ass wench). pss. I love you cuz.

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  12. I love reading these comments....makes me realize that my "crazy" family aren't quite so cray-cray after all! A little off, but not outright INSANE! Misery loves company and it's so much better with a glass (or two?) of wine. Drink up my friends, drink up! We'll get through it together

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  13. I have a SIL that I had very little patience for.3baby daddies later she was still acting like a 30 yr old teenager, partying,getting into trouble. My inlaws & my husbands other siblings got stuck raising those kids and now that she's gotten sober and "found Jesus" she wants to make it up to them. They are teens now and they treat her like crap. My husband tries to guide her as to how to deal with her teenagres& the fact that time machines aren't an option. It's like WTF do you expect. You chose partying over them and now you want to be June fucken Cleaver? Yeah Right! Idiot! Now I just feel pitty for her because she missed out on raising her kids and I hope she can forgive herself one day.

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  14. I am lucky that not too many people in my family drive me crazy. Unfortunately, since my family actually reads the tripe I write on here, I can't dish about the ones who do. ;)

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  15. My TM would be my cousin. She's 19 (but acts like she's 5), lazy, thick as manure and not half as useful. I avoid her like the plague at family get-togethers so that I'm not tempted to beat some sense into her. I get on really well with her sister, who's a borderline genius pharmacist but absolutely batshit crazy. I love her. It's difficult to see how they're related. Their mother is an absolute first class bitch, who kicked my unce out THE DAY AFTER MY GRANDFATHER'S FUNERAL. She's one of those people who always wants more than what they have, and when she didn't get it from my uncle, she kicked him out. Even crazy-but-nice cousin doesn't particularly like her.

    On my dad's side, only his brother still talks to us. My two bitchy aunts aren't speaking to my dad (don't ask me why, I have no idea), or me, my mom and my sister, by extension, which is a total win, if you ask me.

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  16. Well, Lets see. On my In-laws side I have a drunk uncle and is "wife"(my hubs aunt)they arent married after 16 years!!! They have 4 kids. Some feel sorry for her (my SIL) but she knew what he was like after the first baby and she had three more. Last year he pointed a loaded gun in her face and she woke up and put his ass in Jail. The gun jammed.

    Theres a cousin that had 4 babies before she was 21 and they are being raised by the state. She had relationship with a distant cousin (hubs family is huge) and her oldest kid accused him of improper conduct and he was jailed and then deported back to his country. She had another kid even though she isn't raising any of the others.

    My MIL guilts my hubs sister into buying her expensive things. (xmas - got a stainless fridge, last year new AC for the house)

    Shes currently working on her for a car. MY SIL bought a new car last year after 12 years of driving her runner. Now, shes thinking of giving her that car. My MIL is 65 this year (she cleans houses) and has no money set aside for retirement, shes having issues with her health so she cant work as much but she always has time and money to shop. WTF?

    I bought a 4 bedroom house fully expecting someday this woman would have to live with me and my family. Sigh.

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  17. I'm from the deep south, where as Suzanne Sugarbaker once said, "we don't hide our crazy relatives. We put out on the front porch with a glass of tea for everyone to see" (or something like that). Before my sweet Mimi was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I didn't think it was strange at all that she regularly accused me of stealing her girdles. I also found it adorably quirky that my other grandmother legally changed her name at 16 from Grama (gray-ma), to - wait for it - Drama (dray-ma). Obviously the city records building must have been the only one air conditioned back then. Why else would a kick ass lady like my Drama waste her time, right? I suppose I can't qualify any of my relatives as TM, but Total bitch, or total pain in my ass...those have a front runner every time. My SIL is one crazy, passive-aggressive, piece of work. My niece is getting married this summer and I am mostly looking forward to it. There is this tickle of fear in the back of my mind that somehow (in her warped mind) someone in my little brood will manage to completely ruin the wedding. I don't know if it will be bc my toddler will drop a tissue during the ceremony, or if my flower girl/daughter will steal her thunder by smiling. She actually asked me, while asking my six year old to be in the wedding, if I could remind her that it isn't about her, and that she shouldn't try to make it about her. Seriously? She's SIX! If it is going to be an issue, don't ask her. Wow. I feel much better. Thx for that and for all of the fun posts!

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  18. When she said "LW is reading porn" you should have announced, "Actually, I'm watching it, and TM is starring in it".

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  19. Your fault for opening Pandora's Box. TM...Is my uncle's wife. She is older, but not in a cougar way. More of a..."I need a mommy-figure to take care of me because I am a spineless twit." Which he is. She walks all over him and he just asks for more. She has said on numerous occasions that she doesn't like my mom, but then sends us holiday cards and shows up to graduations, weddings and funerals with hugs and "I hope we can see each other soon!"s. It makes my skin crawl. Especially when they showed up to MY wedding. Everything was "You didn't want to get married in a church?" "You didn't want a white dress?" "You didn't want a full length dress?" "You let the girls pick their own dresses?" "You let Ben pick his own suit?" "Do you have "Strokin'" on the playlist?" (I shit you not...) WHAT THE SHIT, CUNT FACE?!? MY DAY MY WAY!! I swear they haven't consummated their marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if she's a lesbian (I mean no offense to my lady-lickin' loved ones)...She has a mullet, always wears pantsuits, wears long white socks with jorts and tennis shoes, and they have 0 kids. This wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't for....The way she looks/acts/treats my side of the family.

    The bitch makes my knuckles go white around a carving knife.

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  20. I am lucky that I like my family and I have no stories to add. I actually always like to read other's crazy stories because it always makes me feel better about my situations :)

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