Anyway, ML and I headed over the maternity ward to visit the newest addition to my family and when the nurse let us in, our eyes met and we kind of had a silent conversation that, if it wasn’t silent, would have gone something like this:
Nurse – What are you doing here? You're definitely coming along but you're not due for, like, at least three more months.
Me – ERMAGAHD, I’m not pregnant!! I SWEAR! You’ve just ruined my self-esteem in a blink of an eye, super evil nurse lady.
For some reason this "piggy" bank reminds me of you...
Then I sucked in my belly as best I could and went to meet my niece, leaving a piece of my self-esteem in a puddle by the nurse’s station.
Afterward, as I shoveling Pringles into my face, I asked ML to stop off at the liquor store so I could grab some wine and then mentioned that it was about time I started getting serious about working out. Again.
You know, like I’ve been saying for the past year or fifteen… I NEED to exercise. And it’s not just because more than one person has mistaken me for someone with a bun in the oven, or that my ass has somehow migrated down my thighs.
I guess it's time to pull out my good ol' trusty workout outfit and leg warmers... They look just like this...
It’s because I’m starting to feel old. My back hurts and my knees crack when I run up the subway stairs. I had a hard time opening a bottle of wine the other day. I’m massively out of shape.
I considered joining Snarkier Than You as she embarks on her “going-to-the-gym” experience but the last time I went to a gym, I remember spending more time dry heaving and cleaning hairy-dude-sweat off the equipment than I did using it.
Plus, there was that literal last time I went to the gym and was running on the treadmill and tripped and was thrown off the treadmill like a sack of fucking bricks, pieces of my Discman flying everywhere and everybody just stared at me like I was the biggest asshole ever. I just remember trying to untangle my legs from the elliptical behind me as the girl using it glared at me like I kicked her puppy.
This is a terrible picture but more or less how I imagined I looked when I shot off the treadmill like a lumpy, sweaty rocket.
I don’t need to pay a monthly membership fee to feel like a socially awkward douchenozzle. I do that just fine on my own.
So, that really only leaves two choices. I can do videos at home, which is fine because I make ML leave the room so he can’t see my spasmodic movements, or I can start jogging. Outside. In public.
Home workouts it is then!
I'm not sure what bothers me more - how happy she looks to be working out or how clean her house is.
I have a ton of workout videos but most of them a) suck or b) are way too fucking hard and assume that I can actually touch my toes without breaking something.
I do have a few I like, however. 10 Minute Solutions isn't all that bad and it breaks the entire 40-50 minute workout into (duh) 10 minute sets. This is nice if I really don't have a lot of time and can only devote myself to a 20 minute workout, even though it's pretty obvious that if you want results you need to do ALL the 10-minute segments AT ONE TIME. Most of them seem geared toward folks who aren't exactly planning on running up a flight a stairs, much less a marathon. Beginner, I believe it's called.
ML walked in when I was trying out this one and he laughed and laughed and laughed.
Also, Netflix streaming, despite sucking majorly, actually does have a few decent exercise videos that you can stream right on your computer (until they read this post and take them away, because fuck you, Netflix).
By and far, most of the Crunch videos are the best. They aren’t so impossible that you can’t keep up but they definitely make you break a sweat and give you a run for your exercise money, so to speak. I actually used to do this one religiously, and I can tell you that it honestly worked, especially this one.
For all you non-gym-goers, what is your exercise routine? What would you recommend? Leave your suggestions in the comments.
I’m just going to sit here and wait, because fuck it, I don’t feel like working out today.