Monday, June 18, 2012

Babies, Treadmills, Exercise and oooh!! Gummy Bears!!

On Thursday, Brother Jerkface and his lovely wife gave birth (well, she did, anyway. It would have been super freaky and alien-ish if my brother did) to a beautiful, delicate little girl. OMFG, she’s so cute.

Anyway, ML and I headed over the maternity ward to visit the newest addition to my family and when the nurse let us in, our eyes met and we kind of had a silent conversation that, if it wasn’t silent, would have gone something like this:

Nurse – What are you doing here? You're definitely coming along but you're not due for, like, at least three more months.
Me – ERMAGAHD, I’m not pregnant!! I SWEAR! You’ve just ruined my self-esteem in a blink of an eye, super evil nurse lady.

 For some reason this "piggy" bank reminds me of you...

Then I sucked in my belly as best I could and went to meet my niece, leaving a piece of my self-esteem in a puddle by the nurse’s station.

Afterward, as I shoveling Pringles into my face, I asked ML to stop off at the liquor store so I could grab some wine and then mentioned that it was about time I started getting serious about working out. Again.

You know, like I’ve been saying for the past year or fifteen… I NEED to exercise. And it’s not just because more than one person has mistaken me for someone with a bun in the oven, or that my ass has somehow migrated down my thighs.

I guess it's time to pull out my good ol' trusty workout outfit and leg warmers... They look just like this...

It’s because I’m starting to feel old. My back hurts and my knees crack when I run up the subway stairs. I had a hard time opening a bottle of wine the other day. I’m massively out of shape.

I considered joining Snarkier Than You as she embarks on her “going-to-the-gym” experience but the last time I went to a gym, I remember spending more time dry heaving and cleaning hairy-dude-sweat off the equipment than I did using it.

Plus, there was that literal last time I went to the gym and was running on the treadmill and tripped and was thrown off the treadmill like a sack of fucking bricks, pieces of my Discman flying everywhere and everybody just stared at me like I was the biggest asshole ever.  I just remember trying to untangle my legs from the elliptical behind me as the girl using it glared at me like I kicked her puppy.

This is a terrible picture but more or less how I imagined I looked when I shot off the treadmill like a lumpy, sweaty rocket.

I don’t need to pay a monthly membership fee to feel like a socially awkward douchenozzle. I do that just fine on my own.

So, that really only leaves two choices. I can do videos at home, which is fine because I make ML leave the room so he can’t see my spasmodic movements, or I can start jogging. Outside. In public.

Home workouts it is then!

 I'm not sure what bothers me more - how happy she looks to be working out or how clean her house is.

I have a ton of workout videos but most of them a) suck or b) are way too fucking hard and assume that I can actually touch my toes without breaking something.

I do have a few I like, however. 10 Minute Solutions isn't all that bad and it breaks the entire 40-50 minute workout into (duh) 10 minute sets. This is nice if I really don't have a lot of time and can only devote myself to a 20 minute workout, even though it's pretty obvious that if you want results you need to do ALL the 10-minute segments AT ONE TIME. Most of them seem geared toward folks who aren't exactly planning on running up a flight a stairs, much less a marathon. Beginner, I believe it's called.

ML walked in when I was trying out this one and he laughed and laughed and laughed.

Also, Netflix streaming, despite sucking majorly, actually does have a few decent exercise videos that you can stream right on your computer (until they read this post and take them away, because fuck you, Netflix).

By and far, most of the Crunch videos are the best. They aren’t so impossible that you can’t keep up but they definitely make you break a sweat and give you a run for your exercise money, so to speak. I actually used to do this one religiously, and I can tell you that it honestly worked, especially this one.

For all you non-gym-goers, what is your exercise routine? What would you recommend? Leave your suggestions in the comments.

I’m just going to sit here and wait, because fuck it, I don’t feel like working out today.

48 comments:

  1. I've tried Pilates and it broke me. My go to is the ellipti-kill. It's he only piece of machinery that doesn't make me want to punch my grandmother. But I MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO WATCH ON TV!! I wheel that bastard to the living room right in front of the TV and bust out 5 miles in 30 minutes. Any longer and I want to puke and my feet fall asleep. I think it only keeps me from being obese because I ain't losing weight.

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    1. I've tried to cajole Mr. Snarky into the whole treadmill or elliptical machine thing, but as he rightly points out, we have absolutely nowhere to put something like that. I DID try buying a mini-trampoline once on the theory that I could bouncy-walk on front of the TV at night and then throw it in the basement for storage, but I kept spilling my wine. : )

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  2. I go to a gym, if left to my own devices I would be a fat(er) slob. I had my gallbladder removed this winter and my doc told me that if I didn't want to die young I needed to do something. So I have. She also told me that if I wait until I feel like working out then I will never do it. So I joined a gym do WW (online I hate old ladies) and MAKE myself go. Am I skinny, um not even close. BUT when that dr weighs me in October you can bet your ass that this lady isn't going to regret what she has to say for herself. So go for it, hell if I can do it so can you.

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    1. You know what? It sounds like you're busting you're ass and you should definitely be proud as fuck about that. It's hard changing life-long habits. I bet you're going to kick ass. :)

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    2. aww thanks...I am busting ass! so much so I couldn't walk for 2 days. But dammit that booty be nice when I am "done"

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  3. Whatever you do, always engage your core. Crunches are awesome. I've recently joined derbylite which is a workout on roller skates, skills n drills. It's kick ass core, leg and butt workout which is exactly what I needed. I've lost 2inches off my thighs so far. I'm not measuring weight so much because muscle weighs more than fat, but I have lost some. I wish I could run, but I can't so this is a great way to get my metabolism going. And it's a blast. It sucks getting old. My joints ache every morning, but dammit, I'm not going to get any younger...do it while you still can. Derby lite is nation wide also. If you can stand on skates, you can do this. Plus you get to wear cool outfits and gear. Oh and did I say it's super fun? Good luck JJ.
    Work it, work it.

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    1. I love skating but have no idea if they even offer that around here. I'll need to check that out.

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    2. It's pretty popular in jersey...you must look into it. It really is a fun, and kickass program. I'll try to shoot you a link.

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  4. I used to do step aerobics, mostly coz I loved the very loud music and the one rather hunky man/boy in our class (he said we inspired him to greater efforts)...then I wrecked my knee, had a baby, and got old (in sort of that order, you pick)...
    anyways, now I use the "bend over, pick up toy, toss in bin" plan, along with the "heft-the-20 lb.-toddler-onto-the-changing-table-and..." well, you know the rest of that one! so, my arms look great, my legs are ok, it's just the middle part that's, um, pouffy? Crunches make my neck hurt, so any ideas? Besides giving up wine, chocolate, or Devil Dogs, that is...or cheese...and, no giving up pizza or ice cream...or burgers...and especially bacon, can't live without bacon..or..lobster, nope, not giving up lobster! so, how do I unpouf my middle if I can't do crunches or give up eating anything? OK, I'll give up eating liver, will that work? (I don't eat liver, so that'll be easy!) I think I'll just sit here and wait, too, JJ...best idea you've had yet!

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    1. Do planks. They really help. They aren't fun but they do make a difference.

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  5. P.S. Are we having a glass of wine while we're waiting? Guess what the gods of vino have created now? Chocolate wine-kid you not, tastes kinda like Bailey's...yummy!

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    1. I don't know about you, but I'm totally having a glass of wine now. I'll work out tomorrow.

      In my defense, I did fifteen minutes of stretching after writing this post. That counts for something, right?

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  6. Once I crossed into my dirty thirties everything hurt. I joined a gym...Ummm cooties. No. I'm a workout DVD junkie, I have hip hop abs, Carmen Electra's strippercise (good times)and several others. I've even tried the banana hammock yoga I found on Netflix.
    The best thing is to build muscle. I bought the Chalean Extreme DVD collection, that mixed with outdoor run/walk once a week over the past year and I'm in better shape now than I was when I was in high school. Best part if I stick with my workout I don't have to change my eating habits.

    Or just get fatter friends who call you skinny bitch. I do that too.

    Good luck and congrats on the new addition.

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    1. Ok, I gotta ask - is this Chalean thing like P90X? Where you have to do it every day, for an hour or more, for 60 days or something like that?

      Are you fucking superman, Nifer?

      More deets, please!! I never believe what I read on the exercise sites.

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    2. I prefer Vagina-the-mighty.
      It is most days during the week, but there are days off! Most of the workouts are 30-40minutes(includes warm-up/cool-down) I use the resistance bands and not the free weights. I can't say enough good things about it. I'm not all beefed out and muscled.

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  7. Tae Bo is still my fav for home workout! But I'm a gym person, and I teach water fitness--but I HATE working out. I have to have workout partners.

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  8. I live near a reservoir which is the perfect length for a run. And there are always super hot shirtless guys running there in all their sweaty, rippling-man-flesh glory. However, I never see them because I go running late at night. I, too, refuse to exercise where people might see me. There's only so much indignity a person can handle. And if I'm going to be panting and moaning and crying (which is what happens when I run) in front a bunch of super hot guys, I want it to be for a different reason.

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  9. I'm supposed to try Yoga since I have arthritis and shit, but I still haven't, but that might be something not to intense to try. More importantly, it won't make you sweat. I HATE sweat.

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  10. I can't really help, as my daily exercise routine is the same as RobbieElise's, but a friend of mine is doing Couch to 5K and likes it.

    I loved sports and exercise when I was younger, but now I, too, am feeling old and tired. I'd rather cut calories to avoid gaining weight than exercise. I make a mean 250 calorie turkey-apple-brie sandwich :)

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    1. Two slices Sara Lee 45 Calorie Delightful Wheat bread (90 cal), half a green apple (40 cal), deli turkey (60 cal), Brie sliced veeeerrrry thin (75 cal). My mouth is watering just thinking about it. And, it doesn't feel like diet food which makes me less likely to want an Almond Joy five minutes later.

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    2. Oh, and pop it in the toaster or foreman grill to toast it *drool*

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  11. Running is a good option. If you start slow and run for 3 minutes, walk for 1 and then add more running, less walking as the weeks go by, it really will make a difference. Start out for 30 minutes. I joined a running group last year and although it was very intimidating at first, it's turned out to be a great thing. There are 4 of us that meet up a few days a week at 5:30 and run. I go one day on my own and sometimes we try to get a longer run in on the weekend. I just ran a 10 mile race and if you asked me last June if I would ever be able to do that, I would have laughed at you. And I'm way older than you.

    You should give it a try because it really will melt the fat away. You still need to do leg lifts and planks and push ups and stuff but running is great. And don't forget to stretch.

    Put the wine glass down (when it's empty) and get going! It's fun. Ok, not always, but when you feel better and look better, you'll agree.

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  12. After my husband had a super bad work accident and landed in a wheelchair, we started aqua-aerobics as a part of his rehab since that was the only way he could actually move his lower body. Now, I'm not an exerciser and never have been. I'm more of a sit on the couch and hope my good genes stay intact. But I've gotta say, I fell in love with aqua-aerobics. I love that it doesn't feel like I've worked out but I really notice a difference. Also, it's just me, my husband and 4 or 5 nice old church ladies, so I don't have to feel self-conscious. Score!

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  13. Im fortunate enough to have found a workout buddy. My neighbor and I get up at 6am and walk the neighborhood for an hour everyday. That plus weight watchers is working. Ive been keeping up with it for about 2 months now (the longest I've stayed on a diet in 9 years) diet and exercise still suck hairy ass but I'm down 15 pounds and feeling slightly better about myself in a bathing suit. Good luck to everyone out there fighting the battle of the buldge!

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    1. I must say that Weight Watchers tends to work for me. I mean, granted, I need to still lose weight but in the defense of WW, I tend to cheat. Not all the time but... apparently enough, lol.

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  14. I started working out 5 weeks ago.. I bought a treadmill and nordic track off of craigs list, made my 7 year old move her room to the attic ( it's renovated) and turned her room into my workout space. I work out 39 minutes 5 days a week.. I am doing the couch to 5 k

    as far as workout videos... nothing beats the firm... google it

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    1. I so wish I could make myself a little workout room. Unfortunately, I have an itty bitty house.

      {{trots off to check out The Firm}}

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  15. I have a trainer two days a week and she is great but I do not keep up my end of the deal at all. I need a walking buddy, I want a treadmill but like STY I have no where to put it :( MissTejota is blogging about her health solutions and TwiKiwi has been amazing with hers. I must get motivated, I must!!

    STY how far is your gym from my house? :) I'll go with you.

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  16. Dangrdafne emailed me saying that I need to comment on this post. I've recently started losing weight, again :/. I'm a huge fan of the Beachbody programs, so much so that I became a Beachbody coach which allows me to help people, myself. Wheeee!! But losing weight isn't just about getting a work out in here and there and dieting. It is a life style choice. It's not always an easy one, but being fit is a choice, not a priveledge. When you choose to live that choice, your body literally turns into a fat burning machine. If you really want it, you'll have it. We all make time for the things we want. Making time for fitness is the same. And after age 30 it's vital to keep up because you're losing muscle. That's what causes the pains you're experiencing. The body just gets weak. I'd be happy to help anyone: accountability is key! Anyone feel free to shoot me an email, and we can go over what routine would work best for you. Ps. This is not a sales pitch. I don't profit from giving you advice. But it is win win because it helps to keep me motivated. Pps. Sorry this is so long. Livingwithedward@gmail.com

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  17. I like to do the Jullian Michael's DVD's. I started with the 30 day Shred. I can't say I lost the 20 pounds she said I will in 30 days cause I always fall off the wagon....but I do notice that my arms firm up and I don't get as winded during sex.

    I like them because they are only about 25 minutes long. By minute 6 I was usually calling Jullian a see you next tuesday. They really gave me a workout.

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  18. I really liked the Insanity home workout program. It's hard, but you can just start off doing what you can, and build up from there. At first, I couldn't even make it through the warm up without taking a break, but it got (somewhat) easier and I did get in shape by doing it.

    Now I'm doing Zumba, which I find really fun since I love dancing, and I've also been doing pole fitness for 4 months. Pole fitness is AWESOME! It helps build upper body and core strength, and is low impact (my joints suck too), and of course spinning around a pole is just fun! It's a great confidence-builder too, as many of the moves aren't too hard to do at the beginner levels. I could never climb a rope in gym class, but I've finally got enough upper body strength to climb to the top of the pole (with the help of some grip-y socks). Don't be afraid! Try it! I've also met some really cool people doing it too, who don't care that my legs are all jiggly, cellulite-y, and covered in spider veins.

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    1. I have absolutely zero rhythm and the last time I tried to do a dancing video, ML nearly fell over watching me flail and flounder, lol.

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  19. I personally really love Pilates. I do the pilates reformer four days a week. It's tailored for a woman's body and involves a great deal of core exercises, stretching and spine articulation (which if you have back problems, is awesome). But what really kicked started my whole weight loss program is honest to god, changing my eating habits. I went Vegan, which I understand is not for everyone. But, even if you can be Vegan Mon-Fri, just be reducing your amount of dairy and meat intake will do wonders for your well being, giving you the energy to work out, regardless of the program.

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    1. I do LOVE pilates. I did it for a little while and definitely saw results.

      ML is vegetarian but there is no way I could ever be vegan. I have a few vegan friends and some of those recipes are AWESOME.

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  20. P90x!
    It's addicting and it works! It feels great. Well, afterwards:)

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  21. Wait! Hold the phone. Running up and down subway stairs DOESNT count as exercise? WTF?

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  22. I really love to swim but the nearest pool is 20 minutes away so I don't do it too often. Look for a Moms in Motion group near you. They have groups for running, walking, boot camp...etc. Try using a pedometer, 10,000 steps a day is what they say is the target. My exercise these days is chasing after my dogs through the woods after they start chasing deer and turkey. Man, can those dogs run!

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  23. working out sucks. totally fucking sucks. anyone who says they 'love it" is a big fat fucking liar. or just a fucking liar since they are typically not big or fat. no matter what you do the key is always accountability. a year ago i had a friend who lost 70 pounds. she had 10 to go and decided to comit to 30 minutes of exercise everyday. any kind of exercise but for 30 minutes. we can all do 30 minutes right? she was going to post it on FB each day for accountability. 2 of us decided to do it too so support her. well, we hit 1 year on June 12th. we've all done it consisitently for a year. aside from breathing and keeping my kids alive, i haven't done much for a whole year. so i'd say get some bitches who will do it with you and just comit to an amount of time and post it. they can post a comment with their workout. we do it in 30 day cycles. just an idea.
    www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com

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  24. Oh my god waaaay too many comments to read through.

    I am trying my best not to become a preachy exerciser these days... I really enjoy it but I'm working on not being 'that person' who harps on at everyone else to go to their gym.

    Do what works for you, babe. Don't let other people pressure you. Just enjoy... whatever it is you choose to do.

    Love xx

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  25. I've lost 25 lbs since January doing water aerobics 3x a week and Weight Watchers - no one can see you jiggle in the water and most classes have a mix of all ages, sizes, etc of people.

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  26. I am right there with you JJ! I have had four kids and am turning 39 next month. I look in the mirror and wonder what the hell happened to my body. I used to be a size 4, now I'm a 14 and perpetually look 6mos pregnant. My hubs just bought a treadmill and I have committed to at least start walking every day. If I wasn't on the West coast we could totes be workout buddies...

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  27. I really want to lose a weight. I really want to try the tips that you have shared here.

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  28. OK ladies - I don't do gyms, I don't do DVD's. I pole dance - I have a studio in my basement and I teach it and I LOVE IT. I started about 4 years ago when my BP went skyhigh and I had a mini stroke. I needed something that was fun, that wasn't going to make me go to the gym and that I thought I could stick with. Why Pole? My mom was a peek a boo go go dancer so I don't have the issues with pole dancing that some might. My husband is a biker - cool bonus - get my sexy on, lose weight, get healthy AND drive the hubs nuts... Yep I was game. Do not doubt that it will kick your butt all over town. Someone mentioned core- yeah - Pole requires arm strength, core strength, shoulder, legs. It works everything! I can't emphasize enough how much it has changed my life.

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  29. I was tired of feeling like crap all the timeso i joined a gym and changed my eating habits. I've been diligent about the gym because i joined with two friends. Its much harder to bail on someone who is depending on you I think. Ive also been using a calorie counting app MyFitnessPal. Its free, super easy to use and helps keep me on track. Im only down one clothing size, but i have more energy and less pain than ive had in years. I too would rather drink wine and read than run, but i can read my kindle from the elliptical so i feel like im being ultra productive

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  30. My stepdaughter IS one of the 10 minute instructors (Rapid Results Pilates, etc.). I go to the gym reluctantly. I'm losing on WW, and I KNOW exercise will make the weight go away faster, but gawd... hate it. Anyway, she was just here with her two kids for a visit, proof that even after babies you can be all svelte. Sigh.

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