Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Bathing Suit Season Sucks

Last week Jenny Jerkface posted an Open Letter to Summer and briefly touched on one of the most agonizing parts of the season -- bathing suits. May I just take a moment to expand on her deep hatred for this particular article of beach attire? I love window shopping for bathing suits. Some of the stuff they have out these days is uber cute. Just not on me. And is it just me or do they purposely install the most florescent of florescent lights in the dressing rooms so all you want to do is wear a snowsuit all fucking summer?

I blame the beach. If I didn't live near the ocean, I would never have to put a bathing suit on this body. Ever.

I've never been one to enjoy wearing a bathing suit. I'm fair-skinned and covered with moles. And let's not forget that now that I'm in my 40's, I now have veiny legs and saddle bags -- thanks for that, Mom. I definitely have never been one to wear a bikini. Nope. Except for the one summer when I was skinny. And that only lasted like 47 seconds.

Years ago I fell in love with the Tankini -- the coverage of a one-piece with the convenience [read: bathroom ease] of a two-piece. I've had some damn cute tankinis in my day. I was in love with every suit in the Venus catalog. Now I feel like all their bottoms are too skimpy. Or at least too skimpy to cover my booty.

I would totally wear this if I didn't think I'd sport a permanent wedgie. Although it is camouflage. Maybe no one will see me. Psssst -- someone who writes for this blog bought it and looks totally adorbs in it!

Let us fast forward a few years. I've put on some extra weight. Kinda hard not to as you start to get older and less mobile. When I gain weight, I gain it primarily in my thighs and bum. I'll tell you what, fucking genetics suck fucking dirty ass. There was no stopping it from happening. I hated putting on a bathing suit and displaying my saddlebags and bubble butt for all to see. If I thought I wouldn't burst into flames from the heat, I'd wear shorts and a t-shirt to the beach. [Ugh... shorts. That's another whole sad sap story...]

Then I discovered the most excellent, super cute Skirtini (which sort of sounds like a fun drink). It's a bathing suit and beach cover up all rolled into one. It covers your saddlebags and also allows you to be somewhat neglectful with the bikini line shaving. (Not that I do that or anything.) I have found some amazingly adorable skirtinis in my time. I had a pink and white polka dot one for years but alas, it's just too faded to wear now.

Last year, I purchased what could possibly be my all time most favorite skirtini from Eddie Bauer. Black and white flowered with a ruched and ruffled bottom. Love, love, love! When we had an unseasonably hot day back in April, I pulled it out for a trip to the beach. I almost cried. My backside has expanded so much over the winter that the ruffled edge disappeared. Up. My. Ass. Not a good look.

 The bottoms look like this but flowered. And stuffed up my ass.

What is really pissing me off is that it's not like I sit around all winter eating cake on my fucking couch. I work out. Sort of. I have an elliptical and my goal is 4-5 days a week where I do 5 miles in 30 minutes. I think that's pretty good. And when it's not 80 degrees below zero, we walk the dogs too. Fuck getting old. Fuck it in the ass with a rusty hatchet.

I officially start my starvation diet tomorrow.

24 comments:

  1. This is what a loose, pretty caftan or beach tunic is for, IMHO. Show what you want (décolletage, for example) and nothing else. My favorite one is from jcrew, on clearance, from about a decade ago and I'm still wearing it.

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    1. I'm a firm believer that if I let the kids hang out, no one is going to notice my wine gut or flabby thighs.

      A find that even a thin cotton sundress (like one you'd find at H&M) work well too, and are probably pretty cheap. If the fabric is thin enough it dries pretty quickly.

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  2. I know we bloggers love free stuff, so when Land's End was talking about swimsuit confidence I was already rolling my eyes at all these ladies spouting the graces of their amazing bathing suits. Who wouldn't state a $90 bathing suit made you feel great when it was friggin' free. Well I had to eat my snark and state, their bathing suits are awesome and not just because I got mine for free. The free part only made me love not having to try it on in the store.

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    1. WE WANT FREE STUFF TOO! DAMMIT! We never get free stuff. boo.

      Times like this, I am happy that I have never been a beach person. But I'd still love a free bathing suit, especially if it didn't look horrible.

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    2. Hey! I want free stuff too!! Damn not getting free stuff. WHERE'S MY FREE STUFF?

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  3. I met you...you are totally adorbs (i thought you meant you in the camo-til I read down a few more "fucks", recognized the writing style)...you do not have a "bubble butt"! But I DO have a bubble belly...ayah, you probs didn't notice since I wore my never-need-to-tuck-it-in blouse which along with my cinch-'em-snug jeans tends to hide it. I also have a skirtini and wear a pair of black yoga pants with it...it's those veins! and cellulite-I will never wear shorts again, only capris! I don't swim anymore, I "wade"...and bask...and drink fruity things...so I can forget I'm old...and dream I'm sparkling...

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    1. I swear that the belly is SO much harder to hide in... anything but dresses. That's why I always wear dresses - they are fabulous at hiding the middle weight.

      I'm only recently learning that certain blouses can do the trick as well...

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  4. Thank God for swim-skirts and swim dresses. I've been doing aquatic therapy for my back. I have to put on a bathing suit twice a week! I have a long black dress to wear over it as I exit my office. My co-workers would probably be less shocked to see me walk out in my bathing suit than in a sleeveless dress. Thank God the only other patients I've seen in the pool are as old and out-of-shape as I am. Notice I said other patients. The freakin' therapists must all be a size zero.

    I started a juice fast last weekend. If I'm successful and lose the equivalent of another whole person (not likely, but I'm highly motivated), where is all that extra skin going to go?

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  5. Thank god for board shorts-long ones!

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  6. I rarely ever wear swimsuits these days. However when we take the family trips to Maui (my parents, my brother & his family) I do wear a bikini. I figure I don't know anyone so WTH?? I just let it all hang out. I do wear boardshorts until I lay out to tan though. As far as shorts go, my favorite are mid-length to bermuda shorts. Go look on Tillys.com they have FANTASTIC shorts that your buns won't hang out the back.

    PS - I am also going to recommend Sanuk Yoga mat flip-flops. I know this has nothing to do with swimsuits & shorts...but THESE ARE THE BEST FLIP-FLOPS IN THE WORLD!!

    THanks!

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    1. I must check out this site. I ordered a pair of board shorts from another site and they were ENORMOUS. I read all the reviews and everyone said they ran super small and those people ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES, lol.

      Thanks for the link!!

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    2. I MUST HAVE THOSE FLIP FLOPS IMMEDIATELY! I went online to order the grey ones and they're out of stock. CRAP! I really really want the gray ones.

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  7. Learned today that after the age of 30 your metabolism slows down by 1-2% a year - thanks very much mother nature! At that rate I'll be in negative numbers soon! So you exercise, eat healthy and still don't lose weight?? Seriously? Son-of-a-bitch. Guess I'll just have to drink my calories then I won't care.

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    1. {{Takes a slug of wine}} I'm with you at this point. Used to be I just cut out a few fast food meals and I dropped a ton of weight. Not so much anymore. Bummer.

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  8. Are you sure you don't want to do derby class with me? It's a total ass work out.. I think I sprained mine in the 3rd class. And yes it's genetics..and where I gain my weight as well..I had a 6 pac up till 40. But seriously, if you can stand on skates, you can do this, and it's a blast. I also wear a skirtdress, but not in public..I avoid the beach (unless I am stranded on a deserted island..alone). I love summer..but I dread the beachwear. think about derby.

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  9. Oh LKW...you are such a little bugger I can't imagine you having bathing suit issues.
    I bought a tankini on clearance at Target last year. I loved the print and how the top was not skin tight. When I got home and tried it on again I was horrified to see it was a maternity suit. And I am not preggo's!

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  10. LMAO! Oh how I love you Ms. LKW. All you can do is work out, and know you're working out....sadly it doesn't stop the aging process. However I have seen you in person and you're far from fat.

    What sucks is that you can work out etc etc but still look like someone threw a tub of cottage cheese on the back of your thighs....yup, that's me. Goes great with my FLAT as a pancake ass. I'm hoping the baby bump averts the eyes.

    xo J

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  11. I have thunder thighs so I feel your pain. I haven't worn a bathing suit in years. No decent lakes near Albuquerque. Oh wait - no decent *anything* near Albuquerque. I'm so fat that even a skirtini would be a blasphemy. Water aerobics is fun (may go back to doing that) and it is comforting that most of the other participants are at least 15-20 years older than I am. Maybe I need a skirtini...I sure as hell don't want anyone but the older ladies to see it!

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  12. Okay, I fess up - I ordered that camo bathing suit. It's not half bad, honestly. I totally feel naked and weird in it because this is the first time I've worn a bathing suit in a decade but... it's okay. Unfortunately, I heard drinking copious amounts of booze is not a good thing to do before swimming so I'll just suck it up.

    A word of advice - if you order bathing suits from Venus, DON'T get the "full bottom" coverage. I ordered two sizes down from the "diaper" I previously ordered and it's still not exactly flattering. Get the moderate coverage ones if you're comfortable - they look much better.

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  13. I bought a new skirted bathing suit 3 years ago and it has been worn exactly 3 times. Oh well. I would like to have more opportunities to wear it but I just don't. I am not crazy about shorts but I can't stand to be hot, so shorts it is.

    Just found out I am supposed to wear a Hawaiian themed shirt and light colored shorts to work next week!! Ummmm I had better warn everyone to have sunglasses for looking at my pale white legs. LOL

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  14. Swim-skirts and swim dresses are so pretty and useful.

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  15. Interesting blog, Swim-dresses helps to swim properly....!!

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