I blame the beach. If I didn't live near the ocean, I would never have to put a bathing suit on this body. Ever.
I've never been one to enjoy wearing a bathing suit. I'm fair-skinned and covered with moles. And let's not forget that now that I'm in my 40's, I now have veiny legs and saddle bags -- thanks for that, Mom. I definitely have never been one to wear a bikini. Nope. Except for the one summer when I was skinny. And that only lasted like 47 seconds.
Years ago I fell in love with the Tankini -- the coverage of a one-piece with the convenience [read: bathroom ease] of a two-piece. I've had some damn cute tankinis in my day. I was in love with every suit in the Venus catalog. Now I feel like all their bottoms are too skimpy. Or at least too skimpy to cover my booty.
I would totally wear this if I didn't think I'd sport a permanent wedgie. Although it is camouflage. Maybe no one will see me. Psssst -- someone who writes for this blog bought it and looks totally adorbs in it!
Let us fast forward a few years. I've put on some extra weight. Kinda hard not to as you start to get older and less mobile. When I gain weight, I gain it primarily in my thighs and bum. I'll tell you what, fucking genetics suck fucking dirty ass. There was no stopping it from happening. I hated putting on a bathing suit and displaying my saddlebags and bubble butt for all to see. If I thought I wouldn't burst into flames from the heat, I'd wear shorts and a t-shirt to the beach. [Ugh... shorts. That's another whole sad sap story...]
Then I discovered the most excellent, super cute Skirtini (which sort of sounds like a fun drink). It's a bathing suit and beach cover up all rolled into one. It covers your saddlebags and also allows you to be somewhat neglectful with the bikini line shaving. (Not that I do that or anything.) I have found some amazingly adorable skirtinis in my time. I had a pink and white polka dot one for years but alas, it's just too faded to wear now.
Last year, I purchased what could possibly be my all time most favorite skirtini from Eddie Bauer. Black and white flowered with a ruched and ruffled bottom. Love, love, love! When we had an unseasonably hot day back in April, I pulled it out for a trip to the beach. I almost cried. My backside has expanded so much over the winter that the ruffled edge disappeared. Up. My. Ass. Not a good look.
The bottoms look like this but flowered. And stuffed up my ass.
What is really pissing me off is that it's not like I sit around all winter eating cake on my fucking couch. I work out. Sort of. I have an elliptical and my goal is 4-5 days a week where I do 5 miles in 30 minutes. I think that's pretty good. And when it's not 80 degrees below zero, we walk the dogs too. Fuck getting old. Fuck it in the ass with a rusty hatchet.
I officially start my starvation diet tomorrow.