Thursday, June 7, 2012

If I Were Queen

The other day I was reading something or another about Queen Elizabeth - it is her 60th year on the throne & all and while I don't get exactly what it is that she does or why she does it, it's clear that it's a rarefied world she inhabits. One of the more curious tid-bits? Apparently, the Queen has an attendant whose job it is to break in her new shoes. It isn't the gobs of ginormous jewels she wears or the ridiculous wealth, the castles, the horse-drawn carriages or even the fanciful hats that make me feel a pang of jealousy - it's the fact that she has never had to hobble around in a pair of new shoes, blisters forming despite preemptive band-aid application, praying that they bloody stretch already, dammit! Because she has a person to do that for her. "Her shoes must be comfortable immediately" they say. Shouldn't we all have that???

I looked at countless close-ups of mangled feet after doing a Google-image search for "breaking in new shoes" to find this one that didn't make me want to hurl. You're welcome. Also, Twilight band-aids are perfect for this kind of thing! Hidden, but you'll know that the Cullen Crest is giving your boo-boo a kiss.

So what kinds of tasks would I like to delegate to underlings if I were Queen of a kingdom with more basis in physical reality (and fuller coffers) than Twitardia (where I am admittedly only "Co-Queen")?

The first 12,387 things to cross my mind were not surprisingly all cleaning related. I am not really much of an Anglophile and despite an occasional interest I have never read any of the books out there purporting to tell what kind of lozenges she carries around in her purse and what kind of bloomers she prefers (Pattinson Panties, perhaps?). Regardless, I am comfortable asserting that she has never personally done the dishes, scrubbed a toilet or tub, made her own bed, scooped cat litter (or picked up after her ahhhmeee of Corgis), mopped a floor, laundered or pressed her clothes, taken out the trash - GAH! - there is something to be said for this life, clearly... I picture it kind of like Downton Abbey on steroids. She probably doesn't even need to ring a bell; after sixty years, shit just gets done the way she wants it, when she wants it.

But having an official shoe-breaker-inner? Now that's taking it to a whole nother level, as Latchkey Wife is so fond of saying.

Apparently some ahead-of-their times ladies tried this in the good ol' U S of A back in the day. 
Maybe they took their business to the UK???

I should also point out that the queen also has someone - or multiple someones, probably - to carry the things that don't fit into her little purse comfortably, and to keep track of her wardrobe and make sure she doesn't repeat outfits at inopportune times. I NEED THIS, people. Sometimes I think I wear the same thing to the office on Friday that I wore on Monday but then I say "Fuck it - if I can't remember, nobody else should, either." Her wardrobe attendants even name her dresses - her favorite is apparently "Buttercup" which I am sure is lovely but of course it makes me think of saucy, mangy cats.

 Possibly "buttercup"? We'll never know...

Here are some positions I would like to fill whence I am The Queen:

A Pants-Pre-Wearer to stretch my skinny jeans and ever-tightening pants after they come out of the dryer, so they have that "just right" fit without me having to wear them for a few hours or do contortionist-like stretches to speed up the process.

A bedwarmer. This might be my Game of Thrones addiction talking, but even some of the high-born women had women to warm their beds at night. OK I guess Mr. Snarky already fits the bill here, now that I think about it.

Also Game of Thrones inspired? Cup bearer! Which I think is someone who hovers near you and refills your wine glass every time it gets dangerously low. Hard work in these parts...

A Master of Remote Controls to make everything go, pause when I need a bathroom break, and adjust the volume when the annoyingly loud commercials come on. They can also hand me the remote when I want it but am really comfy and don't feel like reaching for it (this generally only happens when the cup bearer has been working overtime).  

And of course, every queen needs an official Fetcher of Rob, who summons you-know-who whenever it suits their needs...

Hey, she may be Queen, but she's a woman, too.
(Thanks to the awesome @robsbuttonsbabe for the manip!)

So what's on your "Because I'm THE QUEEN!" list???

25 comments:

  1. I love going to the hair dresser to get a haircut just because they wash my hair for me! I have really long hair and it feels great when someone else scrubs my scalp...like a personal scalp scrubber. That would be the first person I would hire. Absolutely. Oh, and my husband says (jokingly, I'm hoping) that he'd hire a personal ball washer, lol.

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  2. YES I need one of those too! The guy who cuts my hair gives AMAZING scalp massages - when he is too busy to shampoo me himself, I want to cry...

    If you get the scalp masseuse, give your husband the ball washer - i think that's win-win. : )

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  3. OMG you're right! I'd LOVE it if I could have someone break in new shoes, wash and style my hair every morning, apply my makeup so I dont look like a drunken clown, and a fricken nanny to watch my kids so I can go to the bathroom in peace!

    I watched all the hoopla on CNN and Pierce Morgan basically orgasmed at the sight of the Royals. I mean, I respect the Queen and all the dignetary work she does around the world, but I get pissed when I hear reporters put down America because we dont have the same pagentry as they do. I seriously heard reporters say this. As an American I think its ridiculous to waste tax money on some old ladies horse drawn carriage and crown jewels. If Obama threw himself a party like this with our damn money we'd impeach him!

    And by the way, STY. You are the Queen of Twitardia, not co-Queen. :) All Hail Snarkier Than You!

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    1. I didn't watch any of the coverage, but even *I* heard that Pierce Morgan was...effusive.

      [*runs off to get tiara & scepter out of the back of the closet*]

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  4. Professional masseuse, foot rub-er, chauffeur (Mr. XKR would be on board with this, since his confidence in my driving skills is lacking, even thought have a way better driving record than he does... but I digress). Also, I'd like a professional photographer to follow us around (after hair, makeup, and wardrobe have had their way with me, natch - and NOT those a-holes from Summit's team) to take good, flattering photos of my family.

    Oh, and I'd like to have a huge veggie garden, but I hate weeding, so someone to do that.

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    1. YES to pro make-up putter-onner and picture taker! I didn't have ridiculous makeup for my wedding but the person who did it said it would look great in pics and it was perfect. Would LOVE that!

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    2. I would be SO happy if I could have someone style my hair everyday. Add in the makeup person and I'd be an extremely happy camper. My hair sucks and always looks awful. Except when I go to the salon, of course.

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  5. Oh, man. I love the, "Official Fetcher of Rob" idea. I mean, come on. Who doesn't want someone to fetch men for you?

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    1. Not just any man... Other than Mr. Snarky, just that one please thxkbye.

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  6. Yeah, Prince Philip was surprisingly handsome as a young man, but Rob he was not...

    Hmm, let's see, a masseur, preferably smoking hot, would be awesome. Someone to throw a ball for my hyperactive male Yorkie so he's not dropping one at my feet and staring at me all day. Someone to clean out the ferret's litter box (I love her to bits, but fuck me can she make a stink). Someone to do ALL the housework. Not very imaginative today, but I'm sure I'll think of some more later :)

    I'm not crazy bitter like some Irish people *cough*sister's boyfriend*cough* but I really couldn't give a crap what the royal family does. Especially since Prince William officially ceased to be hot.

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    1. Because he got married or because his hair is running for the hills?

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    2. Oh the latter, definitely. Though it's not so much that as he looks less like his mother and more like his father with every passing year...*shudder*

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    3. Don't they say your ears never stop growing??? : )

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  7. I'd have a stable boy. :-) I would nver clean a stall again! Hmmmm...what else? I like all your guys ideas. Now my mind is going blank though. CRAP!

    Someone to draw my bath.
    Lay out my clothes for the next day
    Go shopping for me (I hate the mall...and grocery stores)

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    1. Yup I am sure Queen E has never mucked a stall - that's a given! I would totally have horses again if I had some lackey to take care of them for my lazy ass lol...

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    2. I hate grocery shopping as well. Not only would I like someone to go food shopping for me, I'd like a chef to prepare all my meals. That's not asking a lot, is it?

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  8. One more. Someone to fetch me cheese fries and chocolate milkshakes at all hours of the day and night when it's that time of the month. Go.

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  9. Someone to walk with me to and from my apartment so I can hold their arm and avoid falling (faulty equilibrium). It's a long walk with areas that are hard to keep from falling on my ass. Very decorative walkways but a fucking bitch to walk on at night. Those little solar lights are mostly worthless.

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  10. I'm up for all of the above suggestions. I guess I'm just a big giant lazy ass and I want everyone to do stuff for me.

    I would like for someone to work out for me. Yeah... that lazy.

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  11. I'm British and I couldn't give a toss about Lizzie!

    God, that feels better. Jeez, this whole Jubilee thing last weekend was nearly the death of me. For weeks now--weeks, I tell ya--we've had Jubilee this, Queen that, Union Jacks here, there and everywhere. Even my neighbours across the road (who, in fact, are South African) felt the need to string Union Jack bunting all over their house. I mean, purleez!

    I'm glad it's all over.

    Oh, and what would I want? I'd want someone to do all my cleaning, ironing, shopping, laundry, dog-walking, you name it, for me.

    Except the cooking. Cos I quite enjoy doing that :-)

    CC x

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  12. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonJune 13, 2012 at 11:11 AM

    Doing some Twitarded catching up after a weekend up home (nowhere, North Missouri) where (gasp!) I only got 2g on the phone and for some reason their wifi HATED me and I was too damn lazy to plug my laptop directly into an internet connection. Is this not the perfect post for me??? I have nothing original to add but I have always said I want a driver. I suffer from lethal road rage. Seriously. One day I will either be shot or will shoot someone due to a road rage confrontation. Similarly, I will take someone out at the grocery store or Wal Mart for their general stupidity so I also need a personal shopper and of course, chef. I want to eat healthy, I do, I just don't want to take the time to prepare it. Lastly, I want someone else to be there to always speak my mind so they look like the a-hole and not me but my grievances are still delivered to the idiots I encounter. I think it would relieve most, if not all, of my anger issues.

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  13. I would knight Rob and order him to serve me in unmentionable ways. I think I have been watching too much Game of Thrones. ;-)

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  14. I constantly tell my hair dresser he needs to offer "Frank at home" and he comes to your house and makes your hair look amazing every day - just like when you visit him in the salon. Sigh

    Someone to work for me so I can travel - they would make my money and give it all to me and I would be free to do what I want.

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