Monday, June 11, 2012

Satan's Wee Soldier: The Black Fly

In Maine there's a joke about the state bird. In reality it's the chickadee which is quite possibly the cutest little bird ever. But this time of year, folks like to say the mosquito is the state bird. I like to say it's another biting pest -- the black fly. If you're not familiar with the evilness that is the black fly, well you haven't witnessed Satan's handy work in the insect world.

The REAL Maine state bird. I want to put him in my pocket, he's so damn cute.

Like any pest, they're worse in some parts of the state (like up north where they literally drive the moose out of the woods and into oncoming traffic) and pretty much non-existent in others. I know I risk jinxing my black fly-free yard by saying this, but we don't have many issues with them 'round my property. And for that reason, I often forget they exist. And then I pay dearly. With my blood.

We headed off yesterday afternoon to visit some friends a couple towns away. Sans bug spray. Big mistake. As we sat on our friends' back porch enjoying what was a gorgeous Sunday afternoon, I slowly became the main course in a black fly smorgesbord. And those fuckers where some hungry.

And yes, sometimes you get both up he-yah!

The black fly is about half the size of a whole peppercorn but packs a wicked wallop. They literally gnaw a chunk out of your skin. (You can thank me later for not posting pictures of that!) I looked down at one point to see my arm actually bleeding. What start out as harmless looking bites, slowly morph into quarter-sized welts that itch like a mother fucker. The sucky thing about these pests is that they're so fucking small that you never realize they've landed on you until they start feasting. And by that time, it's too fucking late. One time, years ago, I was bitten around my eyes and the next day I looked like I had gone 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Wicked attractive.

Seriously, almost exactly like this poor kid. Ridiculous!

I'm not sure what purpose the black fly serves so if anyone knows, help a sistah out, will ya? My feeling is they were put on this earth to do evil only, which proves they're Satan's spawn. Just like the ticks. But don't get me started on those little blood sucking fuckers. I'm fairly certain if I found a lamp, rubbed it, and produced a genie granting me three wishes, two of those wishes would be used to eradicate ticks and black flies. And the other would be for meeeeellions of dollars! {insert evil laugh here}

Yep, we even named a beer after them.

Do you have motherfucking black flies where you live? No? Lucky... So what type of blood thirsty bugs to you battle in your neck of the woods? Honestly, people think I'm crazy because I love winter. Guess what? No bugs.

33 comments:

  1. Ticks and mosquito's! And to make it worse my 1 year old is hyperallergic to mosquito bites and instead of getting a tolerable red bump, she gets these GIANT swollen spots that look like awful blisters and they get all gross and ooze some weird liquid stuff! OMG and Spiders and the other night there was an effing tree frog in my bed. WTF?! I hate the small creatures I am plagued with in the woods! -End Rant- :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. In WI mosquitos are horrible! They're so bad, but my gosh, those black flies sound much worse. Thankfully, we don't have those here as far as I know. One other fly though, the deer fly, stings when it bites and they WILL NOT leave you alone and will buzz around your head in cirlces. We encounter those more in MN, though. Last time camping there they kept biting my feet and ankles, the only part of my body not really covered because I was wearing flip-flops. My feet and ankles itched like hell and swelled up like crazy.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Poor LKW! I agree, I tolerate winter heah in Maine coz we have fewah bugs...BUT, those bugs do try to make up for a short lifespan by viciously chowing on us whenever we venture out unprotected-kinda like Laurent attempted to do to Bella when Edward left her "unprotected" (I can never say/read that word without hearing Laurent's lilting voice) Wish the werewolves ate black flies, huh? Bats do...right, JJ? Didn't you & ML have one as a, um, guest once? (first post I read here...still brings me to tears picturing you both battling the little flying rat!) Actually, I'm terrified into a state of hysterical collapse by only one thing-spiders. Black flies hurt more,but at least I stay conscious and do not deafen everyone in a 10-mile radius with my screaming & screeching!(I once jumped out of a moving vehicle when one dropped from the rear view mirror-unfortunately, I was the driver at the time. I did manage to jump back in and slam it into park before jumping out again, though. So, no one died-that's good, right?) Anyways, are black flies the same as no see'ums? Coz I never see 'um!

    Hey guess what? I have a new baby in my class at the daycare-her name? What else? Isabella! I don't yet know if mom is a fan, so I'm planning a subtle infiltration of Twilight in the room when she picks her up-soundtrack on the cd player? check. New Moon tote bag casually displayed on my shelf? check. Mini-E peeking out of my purse accidentally-on-purpose? check. Wish me luck! Anyone who really named their child Isabella because of Twilight has to be another obsessed fan, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! Yes, bats are insect-eating machines. Which doesn't make them any more welcome in my house, though, lol.

      While spiders don't totally freak me out, I actually had a very similar car experience. The spider just dropped down from my visor, right at eye-level. And when I slammed on brakes it actually flew into my face.

      Hysterics ensued.

      Delete
  4. What??? No mention of vamps on a post like this?!?! I think someone is slipping!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I noticed that too.

      My husband asked me an odd question about Edward and Bella the other day, speaking of blood.He wanted to know what Edward did during Bella's period. I choked off a laugh cause he was so serious. I didn't want to tell him that this was a topic often found in fan fiction.

      Delete
    2. Those black flies sound more like zombies than vampires.

      {{{shudder}}}

      Delete
    3. Yes zombie flies -- they will literally eat your fucking face off if you're not careful!

      Delete
  5. I have experienced the black fly at the beach, or actually, it's the sound. My ex in-laws have a cottage there. If the wind isn't blowing the right way, those suckers will eat you up before you can grab your bags out of the car and run in the house!

    ReplyDelete
  6. You know I'm from Maine as well, and I live on a farm to boot. There aren't any animals... but we have insects galore. Me and my son are both highly sensitive to bites. I've actually swollen up like that poor kid after being bitten by a fucking horse fly. You know, flies on steroids. I actually asked our doctor if certain people are more suceptible to attracting bugs. She said absolutely, people with sweeter blood attract female insects so they can lay eggs, or larvae, or whatever the hell it is they do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Horse flies... yikes. Those bastids are relentless. I encounter them (or green heads) on the beach every summer.

      Delete
  7. I lived in caribou for a year as a kindergartener when my dad was in the military. I got eaten up so bad on my head that my glands began swell horribly! My mom even took me to the Dr to make sure I was OK. I do NOT miss those things. We're currently in Alaska. The mosquitoes are huge and ABUNDANT. Will not miss these SOB's when we move!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh thank the universe we don't have Back Flies here in South Africa. Those sound like the worst things ever.! We get mosquitoes, and ticks. Our ticks are different to yours apparently, but they still bite and itch and can make you wicked sick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our ticks can make you wicked sick too. Lyme disease. It's debilitating and have known many that battle it. It comes primarily from deer ticks which are so small, you almost can't see them. It's really scary. Both my dogs have been treated for Lyme and my husband has been on the preventative drug for exposure to it a couple times. Ticks are bad bad shit around here. I fucking HATE them... probably more than black flies.

      Delete
  9. WA has mosquitoes, ticks, & horse flies. I THINK those are the only biting insects. I myself have never come into contact with ticks here but I have been told we have them in certain areas. So in the summer the only thing I worry about are the skeeters. Surprisingly we don't have horse flies in the barn. Strange but I won't complain.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Are blackflies what they call sandflies in New Zealand? Maybe TwiKiwi knows the answer to that? I hate them but not so much as mozzies. I get savaged by both but at least I'm usually awake with the sandflies and have some fighting chance. I get huge blistered festering boils from mosquitoes. Hate hate hate them. I can't see the point of either in Mother Nature's plan. Thank God we don't have either here in Ireland.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait what?! No mosquitoes in Ireland?? Like at all, ever??? I might need to consider relocating! Er, how do you fare as far as other pests go?

      Delete
    2. Depends what you mean by pests. There are shitloads of rats and mice where I live, in the countryside. On the plus side, the only biting insects we have are tiny midges. Their bites itch like hell, but they're nothing compared to what I've gotten in the States. Greenheads, yeeuch.

      Delete
    3. No Snarky, very very rare. But our climate is supposedly changing and getting warmer (it's been pretty cold for far this 'summer') and as we already are pretty humid that may change. Apart from midges we are pretty much ok when it comes to biting insects. (and they don't go after me much) And no snakes and no poisonous creatures. No extremes of temperature either which can be an advantage.....but our economy is totally F*cked and our politicans are incompetent :( On balance I don't recommend relocation until we come out of recession!!

      Delete
  11. The thing is you can't see them or feel them. Then you have blood trickling down your forehead, neck, back...
    I looked like I had the measles when I came back from visiting our camp last June. AND...black fly bites last a long time too.
    It's hard staying pretty here in Maine!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's so hard staying pretty in Maine. As long as I brush my tooth though, I should be ok!

      Delete
  12. OMG, I thought our mosquitoes were bad but your black flies sound down right frightening. Actually, they sound horrible!! I will never come to your neck of the woods, as long as they little creatures exist. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry but Hawaii has some scary ass bugs. The roaches will carry you off they're so big. And I never saw a cane spider but I heard stories... What say you about the cane spiders?

      Delete
  13. One year when I was a kid, my father dragged us out to Maine for a camping trip. I remember getting out of the car, getting totally besieged by black flies, screaming and getting back into the car.

    I believe we slept in the car that night.

    ReplyDelete
  14. *WARNING! if you are easily disgusted or freak out about gross things, do not read on!*
    I'm a vet in MA, and during these warm months I have to deal with cats and dogs with Cuterebra infections. These are bot fly larvae (a.k.a. maggots)that live under the animals skin forming a lump with a little opening so that the gross little sucker can poke it's little head in and out to get air. After it's been in there growing for a few weeks, it gets too big and pops out, then pupates. They get to be about an inch long. They are so nasty. Don't ever try to squeeze them out, because they can pop under the skin. Make sure you give your vet the exclusive pleasure of pulling the thing out if your pet ever gets one. *shudder*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welp, I couldn't NOT read this so now I'm throwing up at my desk. That is just...fucking...wrong! I pray pray pray nothing like this EVER happens to my dogs.

      Delete
  15. Holyfuckingnastyass!! the getting air part is just too much!! disgusting yet awesome. THE EARS!!! Those little fuckers get you behind the ear and then all of a sudden there's a trickle of blood dribbling down your neck. I swear they must have some sort of numbing agent in those teeth.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh, no I don't this. I'm starting to itch thinking about black flies. Sorry you all to live along side those vile creatures.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am with STY...those little fuckers sound like zombies...figures the zombie apocolypse would start in Maine. Load your guns LKW.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Fucking EEW. I can't think of anything here in Oregon that is comparable. However I did get attacked by a fucking spider Monday night. I woke up with four golf ball-sized welts on my right arm and couldn't bend my wrist because one was *right* in the center of it. They looked so awful, I went into urgent care to see if I was gonna lose my arm. Nothing serious it turns out, but the doctor said it looked pretty awful. Gee thanks. Now they're just little marks, but damn. Fuck nature.

    ReplyDelete
  19. My Mom used to try and make me feel better about all the mosquito bites I would get by just telling me it was because I was so sweet. Heck with that, I want to be sour so they just leave me alone!!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I died laughing at your post, as I can relate. I react so badly to their bites I live in complete fear of them, which is unfortunate because I live in Ontario where we have some amazing outdoors and lakes, but those fuckers are everywhere!!!!! I react so bad, my friends mom took a look at me and told me I looked like "elephant man" I promptly googled "elephant man" and went to images... Yea... I van see the similarities LOL. I wanna burn those little shits and send them back to hell, stupid flies LOL.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!