Thursday, July 26, 2012

Bacon Heals All Wounds

As the fallout continues from the Robpacalypse, you can almost hear the teenage angsty poetry being scratched out on recycled paper as "Let Me Sign" plays on repeat in the background. There's only one thing that can heal us in these trying times: Bacon.


No, not like that. Those things will get stuck in your throat. Or so I've heard...

I'm talking about delicious slices of pork belly. In our bellies. I recorded a show called United States of Bacon (I KNOW, RIGHT?!) on Food Network a while ago and just got around to watching it. They profiled several restaurants and one of them was in my backyard. (All of Texas is considered a Texan's backyard, even if it is a ten hour drive.) There's a new-ish restaurant in Austin called...wait for it...Bacon. Every item on the menu contains...wait for it...bacon. They even make their own...wait for it...bacon. 

Artist's rendition of TK

We were already planning a quick trip to Austin, so Mr. TK and I decided we were going to this restaurant if we had to murder everyone in our way to do it. And thus the pilgrimage began.

The back of the menu. The lighting was kind of funky, so all my pics have a pink hue.

I can tell you definitively this restaurant does not have a silent alarm behind the counter because they would have pushed it the moment I walked through the door, moaning and leaving a snail trail of drool behind me. It was like Sophie's Choice trying to decide what to order. When I was asked what KIND of bacon I wanted, I almost pulled a KStew and climbed over the counter to make out with the guy taking our order. (Too soon?)

 I want all the things!

I settled on a breakfast taco with eggs, cheese, avocado, tomatoes, and the house bacon the size of a steak. ((Homer moan))

Those weird-looking brown things on the right are actually super green avocados. Stupid funky light. Seriously though, that bacon was almost a half inch thick. (There's a crass joke in there somewhere, but I'm too tired to make it.)

Mr. TK had a burger because, well, he's Mr. TK. 

This is the hickory bacon and it was quite delicious. Trust.

It might have been my imagination, but I think the proprietors clapped when we left. That could be because Baby TK chose to rip out her feeding tube while we were there and was waving around used medical supplies like a flag. Or because we were there with some friends and all of our children acted like they'd never ventured outside the house and "demolishing a small restaurant" was on their collective bucket list. That's ok. We'll be back. Next time I'm going to do one of those cleansing diets for two weeks before we roll in and we're gonna DO THIS THING.


 Amen.

What's the best piece of meat you've ever put in your mouth? (Ahem.)

26 comments:

  1. In a dream? Rob
    In real life? Bacon wrapped Filet at a now closed restaurant. Like most Filets it melted in my mouth (much like Rob) but this particular one made my vagina ripple it was so delicious. House bacon as well. Mmmmm

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  2. Wipes drool off mouth. You kill me TK...joining the Twitarded gals was right up your alley.
    Back to bacon, I love it. Doesn't everyone? I don't eat it very often, but boy when I do, it's the closest I feel to God. Srlsy. There is a place here in San Diego called Hash House A Go Go, yah, stupid fucking name....but they make a waffle with bacon baked in to it. I hadn't heard about this offering on their menu until after it was on some travel channel show. I have been promising myself to go back there & try out this breakfast delight. Since I can't drink, I'm loving food these days ;)

    xo J

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  3. Hands down the Brie-L-T from Monty's. Grilled parmesan crusted bread slathered in mayo, a spring green mix, tomato, gooey melted brie, and a woven blanket of pepper bacon. Multiple food orgasms.

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  4. OMG TK do you have any idea how long it's been since I've been allowed to eat BACON? You're killing me over here! *drools*

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    1. Sorry. I don't eat it much, but it's at least comparitively healthy meat-wise. Sort of.

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    2. ...and apparently they have some sort of *special* bacon in the future where TwiKiwi lives. Still trying to figure out how to get my hands on some of that...

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    3. Snarky, I would think it would be quite obvious that you just need to come and visit me to try our bacon!

      I didn't say it was 'special', just different. i.e. not your weird crunchy strips. J/S.

      Perhaps you could accompany JJ & ML when they honeymoon in NZ :)

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  5. I'm thinking TWITARDS IN AUSTIN 2014 - the year of bacon! (That's probably what it's gonna take to get TK to join us anyway.)

    Damn you bitches are going to make me late for work!

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  6. A few weeks ago I was at the farmers market in Montclair (which is like Brooklyn in NJ - full of super trendy restaurants and people who wished they lived in Brooklyn) and there was a guy there selling bacon. Not just any bacon, but some kind of bacon that according to all the framed articles from the NY Times, Food and Wine magazine and a whole bunch of others, was the "Best Bacon in the world!!!" It was procured from some sort of eastern European pig that produced amazing flavorful meat but was on the brink of extinction (no wonder!) before this farmer guy from upstate NY decided to start breeding them and single-handedly saved them so that we could all enjoy eating them (seems really wrong, but whatever, there is no right and wrong when it comes to bacon!). A tiny package cost $18 - come to find out there were only 8 slices in the package. And yes, while it was absolutely delicious, at over $2.00 a slice (which made me insist everyone eat it really, really slowly) it should have anti-aging properties and make my hair shiny. BACON - It makes you do crazy things...

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    Replies
    1. I think the lesson we learn here is that belly fat will save you from extinction. *nods*

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    2. All I can say is I think you may have stumbled upon the next great Snarky family business. Other than the fact that that a decent portion of the population in the town where I live keep kosher, this would be PERFECT. I want one.

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  7. FANFICZOMBIE

    So I just was inspired to make a new jello shot.

    Chocolate raspberry vodka With raspberry jello.... I was just at the store buying bacon for my potato salad... And inspiration struck ... I am so adding bacon to some of those jello shots

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  8. I just found a recipe for bacon peanut butter cupcakes. I think I've died and gone to heaven!! Can't wait to make these!!

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  9. Can someone just wrap Robert Pattinson in bacon and deliver him to my front door?

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  10. Absolutely: Shad roe wrapped in bacon and baked under an oven grill. Only happens in spring but we wait all year for it here in Maryland.

    So nice to hear that Baby TK is out and about and acting frisky.

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  11. Guess what even now sits patiently in my fridge, awaiting its golden brown crunchy perfect moment in the fry pan for my breakfast? oh, no, she di'int! oh, yes I did! Bacon!

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  12. I need those bacon band-aids in my life!!!! They are fabulous!

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  13. Now I want a bacon burger :(

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  14. Bacon is one of those foods that is just utterly perfect no matter what kind of mood I'm in.Potato, bacon and cheese is straight up orgasmic in my mouth.

    Throw some sour cream on it and... nom nom nom.

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  15. Ready for this? Deep fried bacon wrapped bacon. ON A STICK. Now that's what I'm talking about. Dipped in some cajun spiced maple syrup (WHAA!!?! Yeah, it's amazeballs) and I was in pork belly heaven.

    If they did communion with bacon strips instead of crackers, I'd be much more apt to believe the whole "this is the body of Christ" thing. Yeah, it would be a little (a lot) more morbid, tearing a strip from the hand of the priest, but it would be way more delicious.

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  16. Don't forget about that awesome bacon anthem "The United States of Bacon". I think it is www.unitedstatesofbacon.webs.com

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