Everyone likes dollheads, right?
In my head, there is a strict code of etiquette that is required for sharing public bathrooms. I don't give a shit (pun intended) how you behave in the privacy of your own water closet, but I have very little patience for fuckery in a public bathroom.
Besides poop wars, one of the things I hate the most are people who think the bathroom is their very own personal conference room. These are the people who linger in the bathrooms divulging personal information, either with another coworker or on the phone. When you roll in, desperate to drop the kids off at the pool, they'll look at you like you interrupted a top secret business meeting. Like you're the asshole for the going to the bathroom... in the bathroom.
I have a personal rule against pooping when someone else is in the bathroom. However, this type of situation is the only time I not only break that rule, but try poop on command even if I don't need to.
There are only a handful of reasons why you should be in the bathroom -- to pee/poop, fix hair/makeup, brush teeth or hide from your boss by playing Word with Friends while sitting in the last stall.
But at least I leave when someone else comes in. I understand the need for privacy.
That pretty much sums it up.
Unfortunately, there are two women on my floor at work who think the bathroom solely belongs to them and they spend the bulk of their day in there, chatting away about the stupidest bullshit I've ever had to listen to with my dress hiked up around my waist. And trust me, I've heard some serious horseshit with my dress pushed up.
These ladies glare and roll their eyes when I walk in and have yet to realize that I can see them. You know, in the bathroom mirrors. Clever bitches, you two. NOT.
Anyway, what these ladies don't realize is, as they're talking about how important they are, is that I'm sitting on the toilet, praying to the Ass Gods Above that I'll be able to let out the nastiest, stinkiest fart I can.
Because the bathroom is not a conference room, fuck you very much. And breakers of the laws of etiquette must be punished.
Now if only I could figure out who pees all over the seat like a watering can and leaves used toilet paper on the floor. She's a sneaky ninja of filth, that one.
She deserves a swirly.
And how does one miss the toilet when disposing of toilet paper?