Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Bathroom is Not a Conference Room

I've talked about bathrooms so many times on this blog I'm not even going to try to link back to all of those posts. I guess it's just one of those topics that I like talking about, which I'm sure is perfectly normal, like everything else I do.

 Everyone likes dollheads, right?

In my head, there is a strict code of etiquette that is required for sharing public bathrooms. I don't give a shit (pun intended) how you behave in the privacy of your own water closet, but I have very little patience for fuckery in a public bathroom.

Besides poop wars, one of the things I hate the most are people who think the bathroom is their very own personal conference room. These are the people who linger in the bathrooms divulging personal information, either with another coworker or on the phone. When you roll in, desperate to drop the kids off at the pool, they'll look at you like you interrupted a top secret business meeting. Like you're the asshole for the going to the bathroom... in the bathroom.

 Douchebag.

I have a personal rule against pooping when someone else is in the bathroom. However, this type of situation is the only time I not only break that rule, but try poop on command even if I don't need to.

There are only a handful of reasons why you should be in the bathroom -- to pee/poop, fix hair/makeup, brush teeth or hide from your boss by playing Word with Friends while sitting in the last stall.

But at least I leave when someone else comes in. I understand the need for privacy. 

 That pretty much sums it up.

Unfortunately, there are two women on my floor at work who think the bathroom solely belongs to them and they spend the bulk of their day in there, chatting away about the stupidest bullshit I've ever had to listen to with my dress hiked up around my waist. And trust me, I've heard some serious horseshit with my dress pushed up.

These ladies glare and roll their eyes when I walk in and have yet to realize that I can see them. You know, in the bathroom mirrors. Clever bitches, you two. NOT.

Anyway, what these ladies don't realize is, as they're talking about how important they are, is that I'm sitting on the toilet, praying to the Ass Gods Above that I'll be able to let out the nastiest, stinkiest fart I can.


Because the bathroom is not a conference room, fuck you very much. And breakers of the laws of etiquette must be punished.

Now if only I could figure out who pees all over the seat like a watering can and leaves used toilet paper on the floor. She's a sneaky ninja of filth, that one.

She deserves a swirly.

And how does one miss the toilet when disposing of toilet paper?

It's a mystery I may never solve.

14 comments:

  1. I want to hunt down those people who pee all over the place (or worse) and stab them with a rusty spoon.

    Also, the people who some into the stall next to me when there are other stalls open? WHY??? Is that your lucky poop stall??? WTF?

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    1. This baffles me ALL THE TIME. If there is someone in a stall when I go into the bathroom, I always try to choose the option furthest from them.

      Unless someone's pissed all over the seat.

      Delete
  2. I work in an office of about 16 people. Yes, most of them are women but still, who the FUCK needs to hover and tinkle on the seat. I mean seriously? If I ever find out who is responsible, I'm sicking STY and her rusty spoon after them. For reals.

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  3. There are three stalls in our women's bathroom. One lady always goes right to the middle stall, no matter what. I tried to explain to her that if all three stalls are empty, she should pick one on either end. Then, if another person comes in, they can skip a space and take the stall on the opposite end. That way, you would only have to sit in a stall adjacent to someone if all the stalls are fully occupied. She cocked her head and looked at me like I was from planet Claire.

    I just want to write my name on the end stall and threaten to cutabitch if anyone else dares to use it.

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    Replies
    1. Now that's just selfish. In essence, she's kind of hogging the whole bathroom.

      You should pee on the seat in the middle stall.

      Delete
  4. I always get skeeved out when I go into the bathroom, someone is washing their hands & I choose the stall they just left. Can always tell cause the water is still moving around. Is it wrong that I walk out of the stall right in front of them and go into a new one? Maybe next time I should thank them for warming the seat up for me. Yeah, that'll get me another meeting with HR....speak Parseltongue once out of boredom...

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    Replies
    1. I despise going into a stall, sitting down, and realizing that the seat is warm.

      Delete
  5. I had a male boss once who wanted to discuss a project through the closed bathroom door while I was peeing. THAT was uncomfortable.

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    1. That's really awkward!! Also, kind of creepy, no?

      Delete
  6. My first week at a new job and I had to poop BAD. I went in & this woman just stood at the mirror fluffing her hair. I couldn't hold it any more and let it rip It was explosive, n way she didn't hear it. SHE STILL DIDN'T LEAVE! I wanted to yell, 'Get out of here lady!'

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    1. There was one time I was in a public bathroom and I didn't even realize someone was in the stall until it sounded like she was giving birth to angry rhino in there. I admit it - I laughed. Then I ran out of there before the smell came.

      Delete
  7. OMG I would totally fart like a rhino and throw out a "HELL YEAH! FIVE STARS!" on those bitches. I do not do office politics very well, but that's the kind of shit (no pun intended) that would make my day. In fact, I think I would purposely take a couple weeks to re-train my morning poo to wait until work o'clock for that very reason. Oh, and unless it would directly affect your employment, a good ole "I can see you rolling your eyes, twelve year-olds" might do the trick.

    I generally have no issues pooping in public. I'd rather poop in a public restroom than fart like a banshee in the middle of a meeting and have to leave...POTTIES WERE MADE FOR POOP! Don't act like you don't do it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I generally ignore everyone I don't like in my office, which is a lot. In fact, there are some people I've worked with for years and I don't know their names. Those two twats don't work for my company but they have caught me making fun of them a few times.

      I'm impressed by your non-poop issues, Lindsay. And a little jealous.

      Delete
  8. We had a woman years ago who actually would leave poo on the seat in the stalls she would use at work. How? Why? Who? We never found out. Ninja poo

    ReplyDelete

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