I had just gotten into bed last night and snuggled up to my best friend in the world, he’s bright, he’s warm, he’s my iPad - when words of the tragedy were first leaked to the press. At 9:33 PM, I sent my sister (Snarkier Than You) the following text: “This just in - People mag reporting that KStew CHEATED on RPatts with her Snow White director!” Then I sat back and imagined her cursing because she fell off of her chair or bed or whatever she happened to be parked on. I went back to the story and saw that it got even BETTER - “Oooh - US Weekly has photos!”
“NO!!!!!!” “DOUBLE NO!!!!!”
But the sad fact was - it was all true. That foolish, foolish, twitchy girl had gone and done some nasty things with her (married with two kids) director from Snow White, Rupert Sanders. The same guy who is married to the woman who played her mother in the movie. Somehow this dramatically upped the EW! factor...
What followed was an entire day of some of the funniest, blow-beverages-out-your-nose emails that permeated my entire day. Some highlights:
Snarkier Than You: She HAS been looking more vixen-y than usual now that I think about it... So that "cat who ate the canary" look in that comiccon pic i posted is explained. I hope she knows how to protect herself from rabid tweenagers. er, do they care about anyone but justin bieber?
Mmmhmmm...Me (Sister Snarky): I did think it was weird that she was wearing heels at Teen Choice... She's a woman now.
STY: Granted for someone who regularly wears chucks with designer minidresses it was an odd choice, but she does love the heels. and has rob to hold her up... wait did you actually WATCH the TCAs???
SS: Hey, there was NOTHING else on! The Bachelorette makes me want sacrifice myself for all womanhood. P.S. - "Rupert"s wife "Liberty" looks like she could f*ck. Kristen. Up. Just sayin.
Jenny Jerkface: LMFAO! I told ML that KStew cheated and he snorted and said, "I could have told you that was going to happen" like he's the big KStew/RPattz authority and knows everything.
Texas Katherine: Was it still cheating if RPattz was there eating a Hot Pocket in the corner? It's pretty plausible that someone named Rupert has a vagina. What's implausible is that someone named Rupert has seen a vagina.
MYG: And he's 40 and married? That's so f*cking Hollywood it's stupid. She could have made out with Dakota Fanning fifty times I'll bet, but where's the Kristen/Dakota scandal? Where? Shaking. My. Head.
E! immediately dubbed this “The Kristen Stewart Scandal!” (because E! puts ! on everything and everything is a scandal - because if it didn’t it would just be a channel that shows the Khardashians doing nothing all day).
As we were all trying to make sense of this senseless, senseless act, confirmation that it was indeed true kept pouring in - starting with “Kirsten’s Shameful Admission” in which she called her full-on make-out session a “lapse in judgement” - duh.
TK: Last time I had a lapse in judgement I bought a pair of shoes I couldn't afford. JUST SAYING. Seriously, anyone who cheats on the mother of his children deserves to have his dick fall off. I didn't see the movie, but now I'm going to buy the DVD so his wife can get some additional money in the divorce. Once again, Team IDGAF comes out ahead. I want some chocolate. Can someone make that happen?
Note: We got side-tracked here for a bit when TK found some expired Nutella, JJ told her if it didn’t make her dry-heave she could eat it and then there was some talk of explosive bowels I think by TK but that might have been someone else, I don’t know - I got confused. That’s a discussion for another day...
SS: I do have to say (and you are all not gonna like it), there is something to be said for a guy who is all goofy and sweet and also really, really nice to look at, BUT... If he is also not ummmm.... "skilled" in the areas that most men are not "skilled" in then even someone as hot as Rob could get boring. There I said it. Maybe K-Stew needed someone to throw her up against a car (that is a car, in the photos, right?) and take her. It's hot. The married with kids part is wrong, of course, but...
STY: Ok i have to go find some really smoldering pics to erase the possibility of him being bad in bed from my mind (but you do have a point lol).
Vitamin R: Well, when you are supremely rich and famous by choice this is the shit you get to deal with. It might not be right but it is the way the world goes 'round when you are one of the most known couples on the planet. Again I ask, why all the secrecy with Rob and now this? Next thing we know she will be stealing stuff at Barney's.
Another note: We digressed again when it was suggested that perhaps if she was going to cheat it should have been with The Huntsman, because Miley Cyrus would want to beat her up and that would be fun but then I had to point out to everyone that The Huntsman is Thor and while he is married with a new baby, he is not in fact engaged to Miley, that is the guy from The Hunger Games and therefore that death-match is off. It was pointed out to me that I know a lot of useless information.
Wait WHAT?! I will cut a bitch!
Vitamin R: Maybe this drama will lead to song writing and Rob will release his break-up album. I actually hope that doesn't happen...
STY: Nothing fuels musical fire like an ugly breakup, that's for sure... Somewhere, Oregano (which I know isn't his real name but that's all I know him as - KStew's ex who she cheated on with RPatts) - is laughing.
Kristen issued a public apology to Rob, “Rupert” issued a public apology to his family but not one freaking person issued an apology to all of us who spent our entire day talking about this ridiculousness...
What do you think of this latest development in the new Breaking Dawn saga?