Monday, July 23, 2012

Open Letter to the Guy Who Caught Me Staring at His Package on the Elevator

Dear Ridiculously Emaciated Man with Absurdly Tight Skinny Jeans:

I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you or made you uncomfortable this afternoon. Truly. I stepped on the elevator with a co-worker thinking we were just going to do a quick bodega run for some Gatorade and the next thing I knew I was totally mesmerized by the gigantic python you were hiding in your jeans.



Well, "hiding" is the exact wrong word, I guess. I have never seen a tighter pair of jeans on a man before. I mean, this is New York City and hipsters walking around in skinny jeans are as common as pigeons and the homeless but... yours were really tight. I'm nearly positive that I actually saw the outline of your glans. In fact, the sheer tightness alone was nearly as impressive as your member that was straining against the denim because, seriously, I think your legs were thinner than my forearms.
 
Also, I'm pretty sure that kind of constriction isn't good for your sperm count. Just saying. 

Missing: your gigantic man-package.

I was really hoping you wouldn't notice me gaping but I guess it was pretty obvious when I trailed off in mid-sentence, my brain unable to forms words and wonder how your skeletal limbs could even hold up your body, let alone the massive thing lurking behind your zipper at the same time.

Still, I tried to hide my fumble but when our eyes met, I knew you saw me staring. You flicked a lock of shoulder length, greasy hair from your gaunt cheek like one of those shampoo commercials on TV (if they starred the hipster elite) and I could see the disdain in your glassy, hungover eyes.

I admit I felt a little defensive. You are like the penile equivalent of women who run around with their tits practically flapping in the breeze but get morally offended when a few gazes slant their way. It's HARD not to look, okay???


Okay, really, what WAS in your pants? A codpiece? A jock strap? A semi-automatic sex rifle? If you truly were hiding a horse cock, I can see why you were so, well, cocky, because honestly, there wasn't much else special about you.

But you sure acted like you're the best thing since sliced bread. You rock on with your well-endowed self, Dirk Diggler Wannabe.

Regardless, I am sorry if I caused you and your apparently gigantic bologna pony to feel judged upon. Even if that was exactly what I was doing.

Love,
Jenny Jerkface


29 comments:

  1. AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    (***gasps for air****)
    AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    (***gasps for air****)
    AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    (***gasps for air****)
    AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    (***flails****)
    AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    (***turns blue****)
    AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    (***mutters "bologna pony" to Papa before totally losing consciousness****)

    ***Regains consciousness and shoots you a stern look upon noticing that I've piss stained the Barcolounger***

    MC

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    Replies
    1. That comment made me laugh almost more than the post!

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    2. What Latchkey Wife said. LMFAO!!

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  2. LMAO!!

    I think I know that guy's asshole brother. Dude wears the jeggings I swear!! And that shit wraps around his 90lb soaking wet, sunken pecs body. He is just plain willowy. It's icky.

    I can't look away though. I need to know why there is so much frank and not so much beans.

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    Replies
    1. "so much frank and not so much beans" FTMFW!!!

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  3. I love you people.

    Why does the skinny hipster dude get the big schlong?

    JJ I have been known to stare at such things too. You are not alone. Of course you knew this.

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  4. I love you people.

    Why does the skinny hipster dude get the big schlong?

    JJ I have been known to stare at such things too. You are not alone. Of course you knew this.

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  5. I love this!! Hilarious!! You are awesome with your adjectives Ms Jerkface! Love it!!

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  6. Hey there all. Been a lurker for a few years now. Absolutely LOVE everything about this place! And JJ is totally brilliant! I laugh so hard when I read most of these posts, and can't wait til my hubby gets home from work at 11pm to share with him and laugh all over again. Seriously, how sad am I, that you guys no nothing about me, but I feel like we're friends that go way back? SOO much in common, I can't even begin. Well, I guess this is me, beginning. :)
    - Jess :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome out of the lurker closet! : )

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    2. WELLLLL, hello there Jess!! Congratulations on coming out of lurkerdom!!

      And you're not sad at all!! Trust me, we're all friends here. It may be a bit creepy but it's awesome as fuck!

      Hope to hear from you again!

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  7. Bwahahahahahahahaha! I'm truly sorry you weren't able to get (and post) a pic.

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    Replies
    1. Oh no way! It was impossible to be incognito to begin with, much less with a phone.

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  8. Can I just repost Mama Cougar's response? Ditto, bb. Ditto.

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  9. It's always the skinny guys that have the giant pants-pythons...plus their tiny twig-like thighs create an optical illusion of enormous girth.

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    Replies
    1. I think you are on to something here - it's all a simple matter of thigh-to-penis proportions...

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  10. Aw. Come. On! You have a freakin' crackberry or iPhone in your pocket! We need pix! I never see anything like that. (And trust me - I'm always on the lookout for it!)

    I live in Boringville. We have weirdos, but not the cool kind of weirdos. Especially not the skinny dudes with giant cocks! Or guys jerkin' off on the train! Or old people fighting! You have all the fun! No fair!

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  11. Nice, JJ... Very nice. If I were bolgna pony guy in way too skinny jeans I'd totally forgive you.

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    Replies
    1. It's a good thing he doesn't know my name. Or this blog. ;)

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  12. Ahhh, such a great way to start the day. My new fave phrase is definitely going to be "bologna pony". Sooo funny, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. Also loved Nifer's "so much frank and not so much beans". You guys crack me up. It's always fun to come here for a while.

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  13. Oh I love you so much. Here I am irritated that my husband is apparently intending to overlook my birthday for the second year in a row and you bring laughter to my world. As my BF likes to say "that made my LIFE."

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  14. Most hilarious fucking thing ever. Bad start to a Tuesday just got a whole lot better, thanks to that laugh.

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  15. Too funny!! So was he commando? Hanging to the left or right...LOL! When I used to hang out with guys that thought they were "cowboys" they would wear those too tight wranglers that would strangle their twig & berries. YUCK! There was one guy though that was always commando & you could always tell which side he put it down that day. LOL! I always look at guys crotches. It's reflex!! I cant help it!

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  16. When we lived on base the men wore these teeny tiny shorts made of the flimsiest indisposable materials known to man commando and all their junk flopped about as they ran. VERY distracting when you are trying to drive. You just knew at any second you were going to see WAY more than is intended. One light breeze and 30 men are showing their cash and prizes to every military spouse and child on base. To this day I wonder who decided such tiny shorts would be a good idea.

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    1. I just had a mental image of a whole formation running with their wangs slapping against their thighs. I'm not sure if that's horrifying or hilarious.

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    2. Rpatz needs to put some of those tiny shorts on & go jogging with the paps. I'd like to have a better idea of what he's packing. ;-)

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  17. Bwahahahaha! This post is exactly what I needed after washing fox shit off my dog. Sounds like a train wreck - disturbing but impossible to look away from. How do the really skinny ones have enough blood to power one of those monsters without blacking out?

    Speaking of train wrecks, there's an ad on British tv with this tubby guy in a gold leotard jumpsuit thingy dancing around. At one point you can totally see his underwear-less and very unimpressive junk flapping around in there. Gross.

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  18. I actually could hear you say "Hey I really need a picture of this. I mean really my blog readers would just love to see this." and then pull out your phone and snap the shot LOL! I triple dog dare you if you see him again ;)

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  19. Wow, it's been a while. Hey ladies.
    I think my friend KA and I saw the same guy in Atlantic City two weeks ago. We wanted to tell him if he was gonna show it, he should share it... But we hadn't had enough alcohol yet.

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