Monday, July 16, 2012

The Snooze Button: A Blessing, But Mostly A Curse

If alarm clocks were never invented and I was forced to rely on some mythical internal clock to get up at the ass-crack of dawn, I'd be screwed. And unemployable, because I would most certainly be incapable of holding down a 9-to-5 job, since that would require me to be up before noon.

For that reason, I'm very grateful to the person who invented the alarm clock, and even more so to the person who decided that a snooze button would be a fabulous idea. Because in some ways, it is.

 Waking up to the sight of me and ML trapped in my iPhone is always mildly disturbing to my sleep-addled brain.

But mostly, I fucking hate it, because if my alarm is clanging at some ungodly hour, it usually means I'm going to have to do something I'd rather not do, like go to work. 

Over the years, I've developed various tricks and schemes that will get me out of bed every morning so I don't get fired but also let me sleep until that last possible moment. You know, that time where if you sleep for even one minute longer or have to poop before you leave the house, you're totally going to be late.


Right now, I'm utilizing the "Staggered Auditory Assault" trick to ensure I get out of bed relatively on time. This involves setting up multiple alarms, from gentle frolicking ring tones meant to gently rouse you from your slumber, but usually involves me cursing heartily and hitting snooze. A few minutes later, the second alarm (usually a more abrasive sound) goes off and then the third (the kind of ringtone that makes you want to go on a puppy-kicking rampage). If you snooze all three, you'll basically be completely ear-raped by a succession of increasingly annoying sounds and the act of hitting snooze every three minutes will, in theory, get your lazy ass out of bed.

The 6:58 am alarm is a car horn. Hilarity ensues every morning that one goes off. Which is every morning. 

What really ends up happening is a lot of whining and griping until ML finally kicks me out of bed and sprawls across it so I can't get back on. And then I realize I have 13 1/2 minutes to shower, blow-dry my hair and get the fuck out the door and I totally freak out. Every morning. What was that saying about stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Or was that insanity?

ML has pointed out that if I just got up when the first alarm went off, not only would have I plenty of time to shower and get ready but I wouldn't have to fight with the horrifying cacophony of multiple alarms or scream at the cars in front of us on the way down to the train station to get the fuck out of our way.

Shut your piehole, ML.

What are some of the things you do to trick yourself into getting up in the morning? And if you're a morning person, HOW??? HOW DO YOU DO IT?

26 comments:

  1. Puts mah nurseface on and says: You are just making yourself more tired by doing this, it isn't a healthy sleep cycle and the adrenaline rush every morning is not good for you either. I suggest you pick a time, set it, allow yourself no more than an hour of "sleeping in" on non-work days so you don't disrupt your sleep cycle and get the most from your rest.

    With all the right things being said, I work nights because I fucking hate mornings, alarm clocks, and morning people. I avoid all the fuckery. I've worked 9-5 before and it's bullshit. I think employers should flex time, as long as you work 8-9 hours per 24 why should it matter if it's 9-5, or 11-8?

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    1. Blah. I didn't mean to sound so bitchy. :p

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    2. You didn't sound bitchy at all!

      I have heard that it's important to keep a sleep schedule. I try, I really do, but pretty much every weekend absolutely ruins me, lol.

      I do agree that employers should work flex time. Honestly? I'd probably get more done if I could sleep in and work a little bit later, since I wouldn't be struggling with that "wake up" gap.

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  2. I feel your pain. I woke up at 8:30 this morning (which is exactly 2 hours past the time I absolutely positively have to get out of bed if I want to have any chance of making it to work semi-on time.) I looked around at the sunlight in my room and asked myself, "What day is this again?" I don't know how I slept through 2 hours and 45 minutes of my alarm. Maybe I was hitting the snooze in my sleep?

    It just made for a really great start for a Monday. NOT!

    Instead of an alarm, I wish to be poked with Edward Cullen morning wood. That would wake me up! But I still wouldn't want to get out of bed!

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  3. I absolutely LOATHE mornings...I am a night owl, often reading fanfic til 2 am, knowing all the while I will have to get up at 7 am. Doesn't matter, can't stop sometimes (I just re-read Dark Alleys and Other Love Stories-hilarious, again!) sooooo, I drag myself out of bed, muttering various creative curse words (and I don't even have the book-I do, however, have JJ & LKW who have added to my vocab, thanks, ladies!) & stagger to the kitchen for coffee. My hubby, who should obviously know better by now, says brightly, "Good morning, Princess!" (yeah-every morning)& although I love him dearly, DO NOT TALK TO ME at ALL until all coffee has been consumed and my eyes are focused. My baby boy (11) bounces over for a hug and I glare back saying "Coffee!!! Hot!!!" (I know, great maternal instincts I got, right? Sorry, son, it is what it is in the am!) And I actually LOVE my job-it's the getting up part I hate! If only I sparkled and drank animal blood, I would never need to sleep!

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  4. First off, Im not a morning person and I have a job where I can stroll in the office at 9am , 10am or 12noon. The downside, it requires me to work nights several times a month......Like tonight where I had a three hour meeting that ended at 10 pm!!!
    Its also flexible that I can take off when the kids are sick or I need to visit school for some reason.

    However, with having kids, I have to get up early so that I can get the kids, dressed,lunches packed, fed, brushed and out the door to catch the bus on time. (even that is hard to complete all tasks in the time allotted)
    If they miss the bus, I have to drive their asses to school. (no fun) The threat(promise) is that if THEY miss the bus due to their inactions. They get to walk their happy asses the two miles to school as I will not drive them there. I have the kids so scared that they dont miss the bus to school. Its been 8 years so far and no one has walked yet.

    I think Jenny, picking a time and sticking to it instead of the snooze would be better. You wouldn't have to deal with the running around and time crunch crazy in the morning. (As much)

    I used to get unglued trying to get the kids ready for school when they were a little younger running around and pushing the kids to "get up, get dressed, stop playing, get dressed NOW!!! get your shoes, eat breakfast, BRUSH YOUR HAIR!, get your back pack, here's your lunch. lets go, go GO!!" The kids are 12 and 8 now and there are still days where at times it feels like that, but not ALL of them. Thank God. I feel like a drill Sargent and it puts my day on a bad note.

    Edward Cullen morning wood...yeah, that would work too. Jasper or Emmett would do if Eddie wasnt available.

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  5. Set your alarm and get your ass out of bed the first time... you will feel better just getting up.. and, I agree with Nifer, if you get up every day at the same time, it helps...except when your up till 3 am partying your ass off... then your screwed for the whole week. Morning sucks..I am a night owl myself. Good luck with your snooze buttons.

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  6. I was totally ready to commiserate with you until I saw you are in bed until almost 7am. Fuck you. I hope you get herpes from your snooze button.

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  7. I guess that means TexasKatherine has to get up before 7am. Sorry.
    But ditto on the morning crapo. I hate being awake before 10am. It's evil. But now I work the overnight shift and can survive on 4 hours a sleep a day for a week if I need to. Doesn't feel really great but can survive. Where as when I did that working a day job, the regular 9-5 thingy, yeah, I was a miserable bitch and that was after 2 cups of coffee and donuts.
    My trick then and kinda now, is I set the alarm 9 minutes, or 18 minutes before the last possible time I have to get out of bed in order to run like a crazy person to get to work. See, the first alarm going of tells me I get to snooze for 9 or 18 more peacefully enjoyable minutes until the gong show begins.
    And only those in the medical field that "care" about their bodies say to get up at the same time each day of the week. Those people are weird. Just saying. *waves*

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    1. I love how neither of us set our alarm 10 minutes or 5 minutes ahead (or whatever). We use the odd timing, as if it actually helps.

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  8. I loathe mornings. Loathe.

    I was sure that having a baby would force me to get up at an ungodly hour every day, but happily, even on an early day, Renesmo sleeps until 7:15. Today she slept til 8. My next child will probably be a 5:30am-er, though.

    My husband, who has always been a night owl like me, recent told me that he thinks he's becoming a morning person, and then proceeded to ramble about how wonderful mornings are, as I stared at him blearily and slurped coffee. I told him that could be a deal-breaker. But, as my day has started with a hot cup of coffee in bed for the past month, I'm now okay with him getting up before me!

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  9. The iPhone allows different alarm tones per alarm??? Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow??? (still getting used to the beast)

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    1. Click on the clock app, choose the alarm page from the bottom, at the top left corner click on "Edit" choose the alarm you want to change and it will give you various options for that alarm, choose sound and voila. You can also change the label, mine are labeled things like, "WAKE UP YOU LAZY TWATWAFFLE!!!"

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  10. Thanks JJ. I'm blaming you for oversleeping this morning. You see, I have to change my alarm clock regularly or I become accustomed to whichever sound it makes and will sleep right through it. So last night before I went to sleep I read this post, changed the ringtone and laid there awake thinking about it.... for two hours. DAMN YOU!!! Then I had a series of unsettling dreams between which I played Sudoku for half an hour trying to get the mental image of a creepy old woman being thrown through the air by a tornado out of my head. So when my alarm clock went off at five I said "oh hell no," my husband gave me a slightly irritated look and I went back to sleep until 730. On the plus side, I had (before reading your post) decided to try one of those energy shots for the first time to jump start me out of bed and at 730 it totally worked. Of course two hours later I'm starting to feel dazed.....maybe I should stick with coffee.

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    1. HHoooooLLLiiiidAAAAyyy RRRROooooooaaaAAADDDD, Holiday RoooooooAAAAAAAd....

      You'll hate me later. :)

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  11. Replies
    1. Get an automatic cat feeder. Worth every dime.

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  12. Dear JJ, I have this same problem. The only solution that has worked is that my hubs is my alarm. he wakes me up, several times, to make sure i'm up before he leaves the house...knowing that I'm totally screwed if I fall back asleep, I get up.
    But I have horrible news, I am 34 and having to go through 'chemical menopause' and my fucking body wakes me up at 5:30am every fucking morning no matter what, even if i just passed out at 3am. It's the hormones, FUCK HORMONES!

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  13. I deliberately set my clock 10 minutes ahead, set my alarm 15 minutes before I HAVE to wake up, which gives me a cushion of 25 minutes. If you think that is confusing, that's the point. Having to think about what time it really is in the morning, wakes me up -__-

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  14. I used to hate my alarm and hate mornings. And then I got a dog and had to get up at the asscrack of dawn to walk him. And then he got lazy and we got lazy and we slept late again. And then we got another dog who couldn't seem to sleep past 5:15am. But she's better now. And now I can't sleep past 7am. Oh well...

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  15. Here's the key to being a morning person. Never sleep. Oh, and have some kids that never sleep. It's working for me!

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  16. A dog helps! I'm up before 7 whether I like it or not, as to avoid her jumping on the bed, or peeing in the house. I've always been a morning-type person. My mom started it; Since three kids are crazy as fuck in the morning in a one bathroom house, she started waking up an hour before us to have quiet reading time. As I got older and less crazy, I started doing the same, and we would sit and quietly read for an hour. It was soothing, and a great way to wake up without madness. I still wake up early to read, but I automatically check out cnn.com on my phone to wake up. It's nice to feel informed, too.

    Try plugging your phone in on the other side of the room. Then you have to physically MOVE to turn off the alarm. Once you're on your feet on a work day, the odds that you fall completely back to sleep are drastically reduced.

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  17. JJ you and Mr. VitR are two peas in a pod. It drives me batshit crazy when he does what you do with your alarm. I am one of those people that 99% of the time when the first alarm wakes me up I am up...there is no turning back. So, if I don't have to be up early and Mr. VitR sets his alarm an hour earlier than he really needs to get up...well, you can imagine how happy tht makes me. I do love the multi alarm feature for early morning flights though. ;-)

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  18. I work graveyard...it sucks. I do the same thing you do JJ except it goes off every 5 minutes for 15 minutes. Thankfully I only live 10 minutes from work so I can leave the house 20 minutes before my shift starts. I know sooner or later my body is going to reject my sleep schedule. For the past 2 years I work my 8 hour (or sometimes longer)shift, go home and sleep for about 3 to 4 hours, wake up and go about my day till I go back to sleep for a nap for about 3 hours till I have to go to work and do it all over again. Stupid, I know, but it kinda works for me, for now.

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  19. Just my thoughts - you have to start your day no matter what for the most part - why start it in a tizzy? I would rather just get up and know that I will have time to read a magazine article or check my phone before I get dressed and head to work. It makes me feel better if I can take my time and get ready rather than sending my blood pressure and stress levels soaring - which will invariably happen when I get to work anyway. Why do it twice? Just my thoughts. good luck

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