Friday, August 31, 2012

Craigslist Deals for Robert Pattinson!

So those of you who watched Robert Pattinson and his hair (I am still mad about the hat thing) on Jimmy Kimmel last week got to hear him talking about how he buys "everything" on Craigslist -

I might have a few things laying around that I can sell on Craigslist! Here's my listing:

Mixed Lot for Sale SUPER CHEAP!: Includes AWESOME vintage guitar (formerly owned by Van Morrison!), a gross of HotPockets (assorted flavors), too many ugly hats to count (for display purposes only - cannot be worn), invisibility cloak (great for hiding from paparazzi and rabid fangirls!). Buyer must be well-coiffed and willing to come to LatchKey Wife's basement for pickup. Of the HotPockets. You know, because they have to be kept frozen, not because we are going to do anything inappropriate.*

Seller is very VERY motivated to make a face-to-face sale [*ahem*] and is willing to negotiate (poorly) with inexplicably thrifty millionaires.

Serious replies only. Must include photo.

(*You should probably also shop for a lie detector - I hear Jenny Jerkface might have one for sale CHEAP on Craigslist. Local pick-up only, natch. Although I suppose she might be persuaded to deliver it to a hotel room in the city next time you're in town if you prefer...)

What would you sell to Rob on Craigslist?  Give us your best PattinBait in the comments but please keep in mind that it is illegal to sell sexual favors or body parts. Probably.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Tough Times for One of our Own

We got a really sad e-mail from one of our long-time readers and commenters yesterday. Our dear Vermonstermom has been through a lot in the last couple of years, including the loss of her father after a battle with Alzheimer's, and the fact that she can still form coherent sentences is amazing. Another tragedy has struck her family and she gave us permission to post her story below. I'm inserting part of the background from her husband's Caringbridge site. Click that little link-y right there for more info and to stay up to date on his progress.

First of all, thanks to all of you who have offered your prayers and thoughts and help to me, MJ and the girls.  It is the support and love of my friends, family and various communities that will get us through this I know.

The Story:  MJ took the girls to the West River in Dummerston VT to go swimming on Wednesday afternoon (8/22).  I was supposed to go but didn't (insert guilty feelings here).  Apparently MJ got into deep water with Abbi (our youngest daughter, 5) and must have found himself in distress somehow, maybe he swallowed some water, I have no idea really what happened.  It is my thought that he was trying to hold her above the water and found himself drowning.  Alice my 9 year old was trying frantically to get the attention of people on shore to help.  Miracle number one:  that there were other adults there to help as often you are alone at these swimming holes.  A woman came to Abbi's aid first and got her on to her shoulders, and was yelling for others to come and help MJ.  He was brought out of the water with no pulse, no heartbeat, not breathing, eyes open, and blue.  Second miracle:  someone there knew CPR (here's a plug for everyone to learn it).  He had never practiced it before, but it worked.  They brought him back and worked on him till the rescue and police arrived.  Someone had to run about 1/4 mile to get a cell signal to call 911.

MJ was taken to our local hospital, Brattleboro Memorial, where they immediately decided he needed more care than they were capable of providing neurologically.  So he was lifeflighted to UMass Worcester, about 2 hours drive from our house.  He is in ICU, on a respirator but he is currently (it's Friday afternoon now) initiating breathing on his own and the machine 'helps' him get a full breath.  Miracle 3:  they are not concerned about severe neurological damage at this time.  He is responding to requests to squeeze hands, wiggle toes, and can answer basic yes and no questions by non verbal means.  He can't speak due to the intibation tube down his throat.  He is pretty heavily sedated in order to tolerate that tube.

The main concern right now is his lung function.  His right lung has water/fluid in it and the xrays are "yucky" (didn't know that was a medical term, learn something new every day).  Medical team is waiting for the deterioration of the lung to stop, or to start getting better, before removing the intibation tube.  They don't want to have to take it out only to put it back in, running the risk of further infection.  He is bound to have pneumonia to some degree I expect.  He is on preventative antibiotics, is running a slight low-grade fever and that is being treated appropriately.

We are in a waiting game, which is not the one I want to play.  I want the "he sits up in bed and is ready to come home" game.  Not gonna get that.  This will happen in God's time, not mine.  I have had many voices speak supportive and encouraging words, have many friends, family and others praying and hoping for the best possible outcome for MJ.  I am optimistic that he will make a full recovery, this is my deepest prayer and wish.  I am beyond praying, I am begging God for this to happen.  I need my husband and my daughters need their father.

Her story really touched us. We are a crazy, drunk, dysfunctional, strange non traditional family here and if something happens to one of us, it feels like it happens to all of us. If you'd like to jump on the sparkly Twitarded bandwagon to help financially while her family's sole breadwinner is in the hospital, her PayPal address is You can use the same e-mail address to send thoughts, prayers and hopes for a quick recovery.

Friday, August 17, 2012

We Came, We Saw, We Were Thwarted by Bad Hats.

Settle in and grab a glass of your favorite beverage, folks - this is going to be a long one!

As those of you following along at home know, Jenny Jerkface, Myg, and I were lucky enough to make a pilgrimage - along with Mama Cougar, Tatoo Mickey, Rob's Bitch and a handful of the Twitarded Faithful - to see The Precious in the flesh. Well, at least as much flesh as several layers of clothing will allow for... Although it would appear that there were certain...inadvertent errors made that may have allowed for a little more exposure than Rob had intended...or maybe it was an intentional, come-hither sign? Who can say, really?

I thought I felt my Twidar (er, or something) tingling...

But let's start at the beginning, since my memory is for beans and I need to record this event for posterity and many eventual rereads when I am old. er.

Somehow, some of us (Mama Cougar leading the charge!) managed to converge on the TimesCenter where the Q&A session was being held in time to get pretty damn close to the front of the line. I have to say that the venue and the staff there were awesome and the people on line were reasonable and not threatening to beat anyone who cut in to be with friends to death with a rolled up Twilight Cosmopolis poster. So even though Mama Cougar, Myg, and Tatoo Mickey had been in line for a couple of hours by the time I got there, I was able to hang with them. And then when Jenny Jerkface descended upon the place a couple of hours later, frazzled from an afternoon of threatening to kill everyone in her office if they didn't get their shit together so that she could leave the office in time, she was able to join us inside where the line had moved to just outside the theater.

There were only this many like-minded crazy people in front of us.

Mama Cougar wouldn't listen to me when I said I didn't want my picture taken with us standing and her on the floor, which is why I look like an alien photo-bombing Myg and JJ here.

I noticed some folks hauling a cold cut platter and some other stuff presumably to a greenroom. This was about the time that I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day and was starving, but I resisted the temptation to tackle them and steal Rob's food. Also, apologies to the chick who I inadvertently captured picking her wedgie, but that's the risk you take if you do it in public.

This was the last pic I snapped before my phone died. If you squint just right, you can make out that it's the stage (and the people who work there setting up the camera for the live stream). Maybe I should have tried to snag some of those cold cuts, because I didn't realize I was shaking when I took it but I am sure you all appreciate my way-awesome photojournalistic ninja skillz here. You're welcome. Anyway, we were really close - much closer than anyone in charge of protecting Rob should have allowed the likes of us. Clearly Bodyguard Dean must be on vacation or something.

I would say were were about twenty feet away. I'm a bad estimator, but we had four rows of seats in front of us and a small aisle. Somehow we managed to park ourselves directly in the center, which seemed like a good idea at the time but was right behind the cameras (getting in there and getting a seat was like playing musical chairs and once we sat down it would have been tough to relocate without going way far back).

I would have had an AWESOME seat had Rob been seated in the middle, but as is turns out I had a great view of David Cronenberg, who was fabulous and smart and witty and also is pretty hot for a 70-year-old but let's face it: he's no RPatts in the looks department.

Promptly at 6:30 after a brief introduction, Rob - that's right, we're on a first-name basis now but he doesn't know it yet - David Cronenberg, and the interviewer David Carr came out from the same side-door Manager Nick had emerged from a moment earlier. I had caught the briefest glimpse of a familiar-looking head when the person doing the introductions came out, and I have to say I was a little...crestfallen.

Rob was wearing a hat. A HAT WAS OBSCURING HIS HAIR. GAAAAAAH!!! I wasn't going to get to see The Hair or watch him run his hands through it compulsively for the next 90 minutes. It wasn't even the beanie (RIP, beanie, wherever you are); it was a stupid white baseball cap. Sorry, I hated it - and he wore this same get-up - complete with hat - for an MTV interview - SIGH!

According to JJ, I actually pouted when I realized he was wearing a hat. Then I totally made the "nooooooo" face. She may or may not have been able to hear my whisper of disappointment above the general din, including that of the REALLY emotional chick a row or two in front of us who started sobbing uncontrollably the second Rob appeared (maybe she was super-disappointed by the hat, too).

What I wanted: THIS (on GMA earlier that day).

 Or THIS (ringing the NYSE opening bell the day before). Although I may have stroked out if he had looked like this in my presence. A Twitard is only so strong...

What I got. Not that I am complaining. OK, I am complaining. But at least this gives me an excuse to go see him again someday because I kind of feel like I got cheated out of the full-on RPatts Immersion Experience.

Don't get me wrong - hat or no hat, I was transfixed from the moment he walked out that door. Poor Myg had to deal with my ginormous head in her seat-space the entire night because she had a better view. To her credit, she was a ridiculously good sport and was even game when I suggested we rush the stage about ten minutes in then they dimmed the lights to play a movie clip. I swear I felt like Bella sitting in science class when Mr. Banner played that movie and shit got REAL and electrically charged and stuff.

Honestly, maybe it was for the best that he was wearing a hat. If he had whipped it out off and ran his fingers through his hair, Myg and I definitely would have made a break for the stage while the lights were dimmed and could have had at least ten seconds in thrashing-actor heaven before we were hauled off to jail and/or lynched by the rest of the audience. Not that the actual logistics of doing this crossed my mind at any point that night. Nope not me. I think David Cronenberg had his eye on me while the lights were low - he seems to have a pretty keen understanding of people and I think he was on to me.

I think Myg might have said it best:
And also, hat and awkward clothing aside? He was absolutely magically beautiful in person. You cannot deny that. Maybe the hat and striped blue polo under the black jacket was to tone down the rainbows shooting out of his fingertips. Maybe he was purposely trying not to feed the estrogen dragon in the audience.
 Although JJ had a close second:
His fingers are like ET, but WAY sexier.
 This is totally true, btw.

 Anyway, here are--in no particular order--other related thoughts and shit that happened:

Maybe Rob put so much anti-frizz product in his hair he had no choice but to either start over and shower or wear a hat and he didn't have time so he put on a hat? I didn't have a hat handy but I definitely overdosed on anti-frizz product too so I totally understand, Rob.

If I HAD been wearing a hat, I would have taken it off in a nod to Rob's Bitch, who had the nuts to stand over a row or two of total non-Twitard strangers before this shindig started and say "Jenny and STY? Hi! I'm Rob's Bitch!" We love you, sweetie, and don't know how you look so pretty walking around with those huge balls swinging around between your legs. But carry on. This is why I love our corner of the fandom.

David Cronenberg is AMAZING - I have seen several of his films and was no stranger to his work but seeing him in person just blew. me. away. and while I was already committed to seeing this movie, I am 10x more so now. DO IT.

Yes, there was a moment when everyone sort of freaked out because David Carr brought up The Incident and people may or may not have overreacted a tad, but what can we say? We are very...protective of Rob.

When we got to the pre-submitted questions, one of the entries selected was from Mama Cougar, who despite having put together an excellent query would have pulled into herself like a turtle if she had been genetically designed to be capable of doing so. Rob totally looked in her direction so I get it and would have done the same thing. We love you, MC!

Also, at the very end people were handing him things before he made his way offstage and he accepted a hat and a few other items, and also stopped to sign a few autographs because he's a NICE GUY. But seriously people? PLEASE stop giving him hats! I don't want to encourage this kind of hair-covering behavior.

I also would be remiss if I didn't note that Rob drank a couple of bottles of water while on stage and spent an inordinate amount of time playing with one of the bottle caps. He was working it like Edward with his Snapple cap in Twilight. Not that I was paying ridiculously close attention, but he was even absentmindedly gnawing on it occasionally, picking it up and putting it in his mouth. The moment the door closed behind him when he exited the room and the glamouring that had been done on the audience to keep us from collectively having our way with him was broken, I watched a couple of younger women rush the stage to collect the bottles and ravaged cap. I was half horrified (it's possible I slightly shouted "you are making us all look bad!") and half ready to grab it and make a run for it when they showed it to me after I found them outside on the sidewalk giggling like a pair of gollums who had FINALLY gotten their hands on the ring. Or RPatts' DNA. One of those. The Preeeeeecious... They didn't speak English, but apparently "Holy shit Robert Pattinson had his MOUTH on this and now it's MINE! SQUEEE!!!" is universal.

Three parts appalled, two parts insanely jealous.

And now, my consolation prize: three minutes of Rob running his fingers through his hair:

I don't know about you, but I feel better now.

If you want to watch the entire conversation, here you go! Just relax and bring the whole box of wine closer to the computer. We won't judge. 

Monday, August 13, 2012

Me + Robert Pattinson. In a Room. It's ON.

Unlike many devoted Twitards out there, I have never actually had the good fortune to find myself in the presence of The Precious. And of course by "good fortune" I mean I have never camped out on a sidewalk for days in order  to possibly have the chance to get up-close and personal with Mr. Rumored-to-Smell-Like-Citrus-and-Tweed. I've never set-stalked him, I've never squealed at him at ComicCon, I've never gazed at him from a steel pen alongside a red carpet while waving a suggestive sign or a blow-up doll elephant.

 HFS STY was almost here?! I hope someone notified Bodyguard Dean!

All that is about to change!

I was at work a month ago-ish when I happened to pick the perfect moment to do what I do best while at work, which is distracting myself from anything work related by dicking around on Twitter. And there it was, my golden ticket to get aboard the Pattintrain: Robert Pattinson (along with David Cronenberg) would be doing a "TimesTalks" on August 15th, which is basically a moderated conversation with interesting people hosted by the New York Times. And I say "basically" because while I have been aware of the existence of said Talks, I never paid them much mind because they never allowed for the possibility of Robert Pattinson and me sharing the same physical space.

So they will be wearing tuxedos right? 
Because this has been my wallpaper since whenever Cannes was...
Plus I hear he may have started smoking again and I want to help with his...oral fixation.

Given all that has transpired recently, I was afraid this whole thing would be cancelled. I've heard rumors that he's been cancelling some of the press he was scheduled to do to promote the U.S. release of Cosmopolis. I freaked out a little when I got an update last week, thinking it was the "We are refunding your money" and/or "Only David Cronenberg will be attending" (not that I don't respect him buuuut....). Thankfully, it only pretty much let me know two things: they are on to his audience AND he doesn't want to talk about IT. No camping out, and no questions will be taken from the audience the day of the event.

But questions CAN be submitted in advance. What should we ask (I'll be there with Jenny Jerkface, Myg, Mama Cougar, and possibly some other assorted Twitarded folk)??? I was thinking of something along the lines of "If someone in the audience happened to be wearing Pattinson Panties, would you be willing to take them back to your hotel room for closer inspection?" Or not - I don't know; there are so many possibilities! Leave your serious (and wishful thinking) suggestions - along with anything else you want to say, as always - in the comments!

UPDATE: Just learned there is a live webcast - woot! It will be like having you all there...minus the hugging...
This event is being filmed and Webcast live on Video of the event will be available on demand, also at  

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Robert Pattinson Speaks Out. Eventually.

Ugh, the scandal. The cheating. There is so much flying back and forth on the interwebs -- the accusations, the tears, the rumors, the rabid unicorns -- but Robert Pattinson has been pretty mum.

Until now, apparently. On August 13th, according to Gawker, he'll be appearing on a talk show to discuss... stuff. And not just any talk show - JON FUCKING STEWART.

Now this? I'm not going to miss this for anything. Jon Stewart is an amazing and hysterical host. And I'll get to stare at Robert Pattinson's mouth while he talks.

Yanked from Gawker

Plus, I really want to hear what RPattz has to say about all this. Seriously, I suspect it would be a scandal in itself to miss this interview!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Did I tell you about the time...

... that I kinda sorta accidentally stole a Starbucks coffee - for JennyJerkface! - from some poor dude named "Moe" this past weekend while at BlogHer? No? Then you should definitely go read THIS!

We did and we did.

P.S. We'll be back later tonight-ish to regale you with more Twitarded goodness but in the meantime, you should definitely check out blogwaffles if you haven't already. We won't bite. Well maybe just a little bit but it will be like that time when Edward finally got to chomp on Bella and saved her life. Win-win!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Will Farrell is Broken Up Over the Break Up...

It appears Will Farrell is having a real tizzy over the recent breakup of our two favorite Twilight stars. Like seriously, he nearly lost his shit on Conan the other night.

I'll let him tell you about it in his own words.