Tuesday, July 31, 2012

And here I thought I was a cat person...

I love animals. OK I love eating some of them, but I love the ones that I don't view in terms of tastiness, too. As an adult, I have always had cats, but I'm an equal-opportunity rescuer and one day hope to give a dog a forever home. Or at least I was, until I saw this and started planning on my inevitable adoption of a baby walrus:

Yeah  yeah I know that eventually he will turn into one of those mammoth two-ton tusky beasts who eats his weight in whatever it is that walruses eat on a daily basis, and he'll have that weird "come-hither-lady-walruses" phallic thing flopping all over his face, but still. I showed this video to my MIL yesterday morning and she's already packing her bags from sunny Florida and heading to Alaska immediately. I am sure that "abandoned baby walrus nanny" is an in-demand profession there and we both decided it's probably something that pays really well and her son and I will come visit her and her huge surrogate baby as soon as I figure out how to get Mr. Snarky on a plane. Or maybe she should just have the lil' guy shipped to Florida (the walrus, not Mr. Snarky - although he really is overdue for a visit). They have a pool AND live on the water, plus they just got a new puppy who probably needs a friend. I see great things in our collective future.

If you don't melt a little when you see that big ball of baby walrus mush sidle up to that guy and practically climb into his lap, you should check your pulse because there is a strong possibility that you no longer have one and should seek help immediately.

Monday, July 30, 2012

We're Still Here!!

Last night, on Facebook and Twitter, the crew here at Twitarded attempted to introduce y'all to our new and eventually permanent stomping ground, blogwaffles!!

If you missed the brief Twitter trolling or links, go here to check it out. If you were on Twitter and wanted to know the answer to the question one of asked Norcaltwitard and Jaymes805, go here!

Actually, I don't think we ever tweeted the answer but it's yes.

Anyway, this post isn't really about promoting what we sure-as-hell hope will be the next chapter in this long and crazy trip we've all embarked on together.

It's to let you know we're still here. At Twitarded. We promise we're not leaving you and we would never take Twitarded offline. EVER. Hell, I wish we had somehow managed to turn this site into a book (complete with comments) so that I could be old and decrepit and look back on all of this because it's meant SO much to us.

This community is and has always been one of the most wonderfully surprising (and sometimes baffling) experience we've ever had. So we're not going anywhere. Yet. We've still got one final movie to go!

We're just S-L-O-W-L-Y relocating. And we hope you join us.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

This Guy Makes 50 Shades Sound Like Armageddon

Until now, I've never heard of Jon St. John. If someone asked me who he was, my first guess would've been porn star. It's a total fake-sounding porn-y type name. But Jon St. John is not a dick-swinging porn star -- far from it actually. JSJ is a voice actor and singer and is the voice of one Duke Nukem.

Nooooo... Duke Nukem isn't a porn star either. Although with a name like that, I'd kinda like to see him doing the horizontal monkey dance. If, of course, he wasn't a video game action hero who looks like a combination of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren and Bruce Willis with a cigar. He's like every movie action hero wrapped up into one fake video game dude with a porn star name.

Why, you wonder, do I keep trying to make these guys part of the adult film industry? Recently Jon St. John was asked to read an excerpt from "50 Shades of Grey" in his Duke Nukem voice and, well, it made me nearly spew ice tea all over my brand new laptop. I especially love that he doesn't even attempt to change the pitch of his voice when speaking Anastasia's parts.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Bacon Heals All Wounds

As the fallout continues from the Robpacalypse, you can almost hear the teenage angsty poetry being scratched out on recycled paper as "Let Me Sign" plays on repeat in the background. There's only one thing that can heal us in these trying times: Bacon.

No, not like that. Those things will get stuck in your throat. Or so I've heard...

I'm talking about delicious slices of pork belly. In our bellies. I recorded a show called United States of Bacon (I KNOW, RIGHT?!) on Food Network a while ago and just got around to watching it. They profiled several restaurants and one of them was in my backyard. (All of Texas is considered a Texan's backyard, even if it is a ten hour drive.) There's a new-ish restaurant in Austin called...wait for it...Bacon. Every item on the menu contains...wait for it...bacon. They even make their own...wait for it...bacon. 

Artist's rendition of TK

We were already planning a quick trip to Austin, so Mr. TK and I decided we were going to this restaurant if we had to murder everyone in our way to do it. And thus the pilgrimage began.

The back of the menu. The lighting was kind of funky, so all my pics have a pink hue.

I can tell you definitively this restaurant does not have a silent alarm behind the counter because they would have pushed it the moment I walked through the door, moaning and leaving a snail trail of drool behind me. It was like Sophie's Choice trying to decide what to order. When I was asked what KIND of bacon I wanted, I almost pulled a KStew and climbed over the counter to make out with the guy taking our order. (Too soon?)

 I want all the things!

I settled on a breakfast taco with eggs, cheese, avocado, tomatoes, and the house bacon the size of a steak. ((Homer moan))

Those weird-looking brown things on the right are actually super green avocados. Stupid funky light. Seriously though, that bacon was almost a half inch thick. (There's a crass joke in there somewhere, but I'm too tired to make it.)

Mr. TK had a burger because, well, he's Mr. TK. 

This is the hickory bacon and it was quite delicious. Trust.

It might have been my imagination, but I think the proprietors clapped when we left. That could be because Baby TK chose to rip out her feeding tube while we were there and was waving around used medical supplies like a flag. Or because we were there with some friends and all of our children acted like they'd never ventured outside the house and "demolishing a small restaurant" was on their collective bucket list. That's ok. We'll be back. Next time I'm going to do one of those cleansing diets for two weeks before we roll in and we're gonna DO THIS THING.


What's the best piece of meat you've ever put in your mouth? (Ahem.)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

OH NO SHE DI-INT!!!! [Sister Snarky Guest Post!]

Oh yeah, she did.  

I had just gotten into bed last night and snuggled up to my best friend in the world, he’s bright, he’s warm, he’s  my iPad - when words of the tragedy were first leaked to the press.  At 9:33 PM, I sent my sister (Snarkier Than You) the following text:  “This just in - People mag reporting that KStew CHEATED on RPatts with her Snow White director!” Then I sat back and imagined her cursing because she fell off of her chair or bed or whatever she happened to be parked on.  I went back to the story and saw that it got even BETTER - “Oooh - US Weekly has photos!”
“NO!!!!!!”  “DOUBLE NO!!!!!” 
But the sad fact was - it was all true.  That foolish, foolish, twitchy girl had gone and done some nasty things with her (married with two kids) director from Snow White, Rupert Sanders.  The same guy who is married to the woman who played her mother in the movie.  Somehow this dramatically upped the EW! factor...
What followed was an entire day of some of the funniest, blow-beverages-out-your-nose emails that permeated my entire day.  Some highlights:

Snarkier Than You: She HAS been looking more vixen-y than usual now that I think about it... So that "cat who ate the canary" look in that comiccon pic i posted is explained. I hope she knows how to protect herself from rabid tweenagers. er, do they care about anyone but justin bieber?


 Me (Sister Snarky):  I did think it was weird that she was wearing heels at Teen Choice...  She's a woman now.  
STY: Granted for someone who regularly wears chucks with designer minidresses it was an odd choice, but she does love the heels. and has rob to hold her up...  wait did you actually WATCH the TCAs???
SS: Hey, there was NOTHING else on!  The Bachelorette makes me want sacrifice myself for all womanhood.   P.S. - "Rupert"s wife "Liberty" looks like she could f*ck. Kristen. Up.  Just sayin. 
Jenny Jerkface:  LMFAO!  I told ML that KStew cheated and he snorted and said, "I could have told you that was going to happen" like he's the big KStew/RPattz authority and knows everything. 
Texas Katherine:  Was it still cheating if RPattz was there eating a Hot Pocket in the corner?  It's pretty plausible that someone named Rupert has a vagina. What's implausible is that someone named Rupert has seen a vagina. 
MYG:  And he's 40 and married? That's so f*cking Hollywood it's stupid. She could have made out with Dakota Fanning fifty times I'll bet, but where's the Kristen/Dakota scandal? Where? Shaking. My. Head.
E! immediately dubbed this “The Kristen Stewart Scandal!” (because E! puts ! on everything and everything is a scandal - because if it didn’t it would just be a channel that shows the Khardashians doing nothing all day).  
As we were all trying to make sense of this senseless, senseless act, confirmation that it was indeed true kept pouring in - starting with “Kirsten’s Shameful Admission” in which she called her full-on make-out session a “lapse in judgement” - duh.
TK:  Last time I had a lapse in judgement I bought a pair of shoes I couldn't afford. JUST SAYING.  Seriously, anyone who cheats on the mother of his children deserves to have his dick fall off. I didn't see the movie, but now I'm going to buy the DVD so his wife can get some additional money in the divorce. Once again, Team IDGAF comes out ahead. I want some chocolate. Can someone make that happen? 
Note:  We got side-tracked here for a bit when TK found some expired Nutella, JJ told her if it didn’t make her dry-heave she could eat it and then there was some talk of explosive bowels I think by TK but that might have been someone else, I don’t know - I got confused.  That’s a discussion for another day...
SS:  I do have to say (and you are all not gonna like it), there is something to be said for a guy who is all goofy and sweet and also really, really nice to look at, BUT...  If he is also not ummmm.... "skilled" in the areas that most men are not "skilled" in then even someone as hot as Rob could get boring.  There I said it.  Maybe K-Stew needed someone to throw her up against a car (that is a car, in the photos, right?) and take her.  It's hot.  The married with kids part is wrong, of course, but...
STY:  Ok i have to go find some really smoldering pics to erase the possibility of him being bad in bed from my mind (but you do have a point lol). 
Vitamin R:  Well, when you are supremely rich and famous by choice this is the shit you get to deal with. It might not be right but it is the way the world goes 'round when you are one of the most known couples on the planet. Again I ask, why all the secrecy with Rob and now this? Next thing we know she will be stealing stuff at Barney's.
Another note:  We digressed again when it was suggested that perhaps if she was going to cheat it should have been with The Huntsman, because Miley Cyrus would want to beat her up and that would be fun but then I had to point out to everyone that The Huntsman is Thor and while he is married with a new baby, he is not in fact engaged to Miley, that is the guy from The Hunger Games and therefore that death-match is off.  It was pointed out to me that I know a lot of useless information.

Wait WHAT?! I will cut a bitch!

Vitamin R:  Maybe this drama will lead to song writing and Rob will release his break-up album. I actually hope that doesn't happen...
STY:  Nothing fuels musical fire like an ugly breakup, that's for sure...  Somewhere, Oregano (which I know isn't his real name but that's all I know him as - KStew's ex who she cheated on with RPatts) - is laughing. 
Kristen issued a public apology to Rob, “Rupert” issued a public apology to his family but not one freaking person issued an apology to all of us who spent our entire day talking about this ridiculousness...
What do you think of this latest development in the new Breaking Dawn saga?

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

50 Shades of Amazon.com

So today I was doing what I do best when I should be working, which is semi-mindlessly online-shopping for random things I don't really need but will probably buy anyway. I was in the market for a new eye mask to replace the one I bought at the dollar store last year (can you BELIEVE it didn't hold up?! I wonder if they accept returns...). Since I semi-accidentally signed up for Amazon Prime and get free two-day shipping on most anything, those under-$10 purchases have been piling up (seriously, Amazon, if you knew how much of a difference this has made in my willingness to click "add to cart," you would just give everyone this option for free and make a gajillion more dollars than you already do now).

 That's cute but I wish it came in black...

As anyone who shops on Amazon (and who doesn't?) knows, they like to entice you with things that other people who have bought what you are buying also bought. Or shopped for. Whatever - it's like that time when everyone who bought Creative Cursing also shopped for copious amounts of Twilight merchandise.

Call me naive, but if you had asked me what people most frequently purchase when they purchase eye masks and ear plugs, I would have guessed maybe a book on how to get better sleep, perhaps a white noise machine, or a Fodors travel guide or some sort. But what do people REALLY purchase most often with eye masks and ear plugs? Whips and butt plugs. Ben wa balls and ball gags. Fuzzy handcuffs. Sex swings and cock rings. Lube. Am I the only one who's never associated Amazon.com with crotchless panties and  cat-o-nine tails??? 

I blame you, Fifty Shades of Gray, for making me look at sex toys while at work. Oh, and speaking of MotU, the "50 Shades of Pleasure Bedside Companion - Sex Secrets That Hurt So Good" was also offered, presumably a guide for when shouting "DAMMIT, JUST FUCKING DO IT LIKE FIFTY!" in the throes of passion is not enough to evoke the desired performance from your mate.

Frequently Bought Together

Dream Essentials Snooz Silky Soft Eye Mask - Black + Cat of Nine Tails Whip - Leather Whip + Sexy Soft Steel Fuzzy Black Furry Handcuffs Hand Cuffs
Price For All Three: $15.15

These items are shipped from and sold by different sellers. Show details
Buy the selected items together

So much for a relaxing night's sleep...

Monday, July 23, 2012

Open Letter to the Guy Who Caught Me Staring at His Package on the Elevator

Dear Ridiculously Emaciated Man with Absurdly Tight Skinny Jeans:

I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you or made you uncomfortable this afternoon. Truly. I stepped on the elevator with a co-worker thinking we were just going to do a quick bodega run for some Gatorade and the next thing I knew I was totally mesmerized by the gigantic python you were hiding in your jeans.

Well, "hiding" is the exact wrong word, I guess. I have never seen a tighter pair of jeans on a man before. I mean, this is New York City and hipsters walking around in skinny jeans are as common as pigeons and the homeless but... yours were really tight. I'm nearly positive that I actually saw the outline of your glans. In fact, the sheer tightness alone was nearly as impressive as your member that was straining against the denim because, seriously, I think your legs were thinner than my forearms.
Also, I'm pretty sure that kind of constriction isn't good for your sperm count. Just saying. 

Missing: your gigantic man-package.

I was really hoping you wouldn't notice me gaping but I guess it was pretty obvious when I trailed off in mid-sentence, my brain unable to forms words and wonder how your skeletal limbs could even hold up your body, let alone the massive thing lurking behind your zipper at the same time.

Still, I tried to hide my fumble but when our eyes met, I knew you saw me staring. You flicked a lock of shoulder length, greasy hair from your gaunt cheek like one of those shampoo commercials on TV (if they starred the hipster elite) and I could see the disdain in your glassy, hungover eyes.

I admit I felt a little defensive. You are like the penile equivalent of women who run around with their tits practically flapping in the breeze but get morally offended when a few gazes slant their way. It's HARD not to look, okay???

Okay, really, what WAS in your pants? A codpiece? A jock strap? A semi-automatic sex rifle? If you truly were hiding a horse cock, I can see why you were so, well, cocky, because honestly, there wasn't much else special about you.

But you sure acted like you're the best thing since sliced bread. You rock on with your well-endowed self, Dirk Diggler Wannabe.

Regardless, I am sorry if I caused you and your apparently gigantic bologna pony to feel judged upon. Even if that was exactly what I was doing.

Jenny Jerkface

Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Walking Dead Season 3: Can You Stand the Wait?

*Possible spoilers if you haven't seen seasons 1 and 2*

When season two of The Walking Dead ended earlier this year, I felt like a hole had been left in my life. My Sunday nights had no meaning -- except to signal the end of the weekend and the fact that it was back to work in the morning. Especially, if you remember as clearly as I do, the way last season left us hanging.

Who was that caped crusader toting around a couple of armless, leashed walkers? What was that facility shown off in the distance? How would our ever dwindling group of survivors escape getting their faces eaten off while they waited for season three to start? (I mean, shit, it's been months since we left them fending for their lives at some makeshift campsite. I worry about them.)

All burning questions, I'm sure. Comic Con treated us to a four minute sneak peak of season three that did not disappoint. Frankly, now I'm even more excited than ever for this show to get the fuck back on my television right now. Dammit.

If you haven't already seen this trailer... enjoy the rotting zombies and suspense! And try not to think about having to wait until October 14th for the new season to start.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Tying the Knot

A few weeks ago ML and I were on vacation, just lounging around and drinking whiskey, when all of a sudden he was all, "hey, we should get married" and I was all, "okay, sounds good" and he said, "you sure?" and I said, "hell yes" and poof! We were engaged.

No, really, that's pretty much how it went down, except I think I was drinking wine, not whiskey. I don't remember.

 Whoever officiates my wedding MUST speak like this.

Eventually we got around to telling everyone (well, I emailed STY and crew pretty much four seconds after it happened) and my family was all, "Yay! Also, about fucking time".

So now I get to plan a wedding, which I figured couldn't be much more difficult than planning last year's trip to Forks. In fact, I figured it would be even easier, since there wouldn't be three brides involved and I wasn't working with vendors three thousand miles away.

Here's the thing -- it's not the wedding planning that's difficult. It's the wedding planning with a budget that's fucking hard. I knew that weddings were expensive, but I had no idea just how expensive they really were.

I had a really simple plan for this shindig. Rent a barn or something similar, have some good eats and drinks and party like a rockstar. Nothing fancy-shmancy, just rustic and down-home. How expensive could that be?

 This may fit in my budget.

A boatload of expensive, that's how much.

But still, I'm going to do this shit, and it's going to be awesome and not cost me an entire year's worth of my salary.  Because what this post really is is a-not-so-subtle plea for ideas from some of the most creative and snarky women around.


 More or less how I feel at the moment.

So Twitards, married, unmarried, whatever -- Give it to me! Got an idea for cool rustic-y centerpieces? Hook me up! Saw some really nifty wedding invitations on Etsy or somewhere else? Send me the link!! If you know of any interesting online stores for favors or dresses or anything, please leave the deets in the comments below. I need to pick your brains! Any and all ideas are more than welcome.

I'll even bet that there are a bunch of you who will get ideas for your own weddings!

Just one thing - apparently ML doesn't want to have a Twilight themed wedding. I know, I know, what a lame-o.

But that doesn't mean the FSE's won't be smuggled into the venue on the big day...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Book Rec: The Fault in Our Stars

Let me start by saying this book is not happy or romantic or even the least bit light and airy, so if that's your cup of tea, move along. It's just plain fucking sad. But I loved every single teary-eyed page I read. This book was recommended to me by a coworker's 15-year-old daughter who has never steered me wrong. She knows I'm a teen trapped in a nearly 42 year old body.

Short synopsis (lifted from Amazon):
In The Fault in Our Stars, John Green has created a soulful novel that tackles big subjects--life, death, love--with the perfect blend of levity and heart-swelling emotion. Hazel is sixteen, with terminal cancer, when she meets Augustus at her kids-with-cancer support group. The two are kindred spirits, sharing an irreverent sense of humor and immense charm, and watching them fall in love even as they face universal questions of the human condition--How will I be remembered? Does my life, and will my death, have meaning?--has a raw honesty that is deeply moving.
Author John Green does in incredible job of pulling you into this story in the first paragraph. His ability to tell this story from the eyes of a teenage girl with terminal cancer just floored me. And I love the main character, Hazel -- she is intelligent and funny and snarky as shit. But I fell head over heals for Augustus, Hazel's love interest. His charm and quirkiness put him near the top on my list of top teen fiction love interests (don't worry, no one will ever top Edward Cullen on that list).

The thing of it is that while this book is essentially about dying, it's also about never losing yourself on your way out. And not giving up your sense of humor. I'm not sure how that happens but I hope if I was faced with the probability of dying before my time (whatever that really means), I would be able look death in the face, say "fuck you" and go out laughing.

I know this book won't be for everyone. I know some people must have the happily ever after. And I know that cancer is never an easy subject to read about. But I also know that this was a smartly written young adult novel that kept me riveted even when I knew what was coming. I can't wait to dive into his other titles.

If you do decide to read it, don't forget your tissues.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Not-About-Comic-Con Post

So I was going to write something about Comic Con and repost some of the awesome pics and interviews from the epic Breaking Dawn II promo-a-thon but let's face it - you can find ALL of that over at ROBsessed and they do it much better than us. Also you might have noticed that it's a few days (or so) past the appropriate, timely window for this and as usual, we don't have our collective pilfering-footage act together.

 YOU know where you can find frame-by-frame footage of every word I uttered at Comic Con! 
Don't be a thief. I'm watching you.

Also my girlfriend is super-hot and  workin' it, which is why I am making this silly face off in the distance behind her. WOO!

But pre-Comic-Con extravaganza, I DID find this lovely slo-mo video (at ROBsessed, natch) which reminds me why I still care about all of this to begin with (ok one of the reasons why).

Please enjoy:

Did you have a fave Comic Con moment or interview? Did you go? Do you have any tales to tell about running into a half-nekkid RPatts at 3 a.m. at the hotel ice machine? Make up your best fake and or wistful story in the comments! Just remember this isn't Penthouse Forum, please. Usually. OK who am I to say it can't be naughty...

Monday, July 16, 2012

The Snooze Button: A Blessing, But Mostly A Curse

If alarm clocks were never invented and I was forced to rely on some mythical internal clock to get up at the ass-crack of dawn, I'd be screwed. And unemployable, because I would most certainly be incapable of holding down a 9-to-5 job, since that would require me to be up before noon.

For that reason, I'm very grateful to the person who invented the alarm clock, and even more so to the person who decided that a snooze button would be a fabulous idea. Because in some ways, it is.

 Waking up to the sight of me and ML trapped in my iPhone is always mildly disturbing to my sleep-addled brain.

But mostly, I fucking hate it, because if my alarm is clanging at some ungodly hour, it usually means I'm going to have to do something I'd rather not do, like go to work. 

Over the years, I've developed various tricks and schemes that will get me out of bed every morning so I don't get fired but also let me sleep until that last possible moment. You know, that time where if you sleep for even one minute longer or have to poop before you leave the house, you're totally going to be late.

Right now, I'm utilizing the "Staggered Auditory Assault" trick to ensure I get out of bed relatively on time. This involves setting up multiple alarms, from gentle frolicking ring tones meant to gently rouse you from your slumber, but usually involves me cursing heartily and hitting snooze. A few minutes later, the second alarm (usually a more abrasive sound) goes off and then the third (the kind of ringtone that makes you want to go on a puppy-kicking rampage). If you snooze all three, you'll basically be completely ear-raped by a succession of increasingly annoying sounds and the act of hitting snooze every three minutes will, in theory, get your lazy ass out of bed.

The 6:58 am alarm is a car horn. Hilarity ensues every morning that one goes off. Which is every morning. 

What really ends up happening is a lot of whining and griping until ML finally kicks me out of bed and sprawls across it so I can't get back on. And then I realize I have 13 1/2 minutes to shower, blow-dry my hair and get the fuck out the door and I totally freak out. Every morning. What was that saying about stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Or was that insanity?

ML has pointed out that if I just got up when the first alarm went off, not only would have I plenty of time to shower and get ready but I wouldn't have to fight with the horrifying cacophony of multiple alarms or scream at the cars in front of us on the way down to the train station to get the fuck out of our way.

Shut your piehole, ML.

What are some of the things you do to trick yourself into getting up in the morning? And if you're a morning person, HOW??? HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Pigs Scare Me.

“I don’t eat pig meat” is a phrase that would never tumble from my lips. But after a co-worker said this to me during one of our Friday night in-office happy hours, it really got me to thinking of my love for the pig. I was mortified at her abhorrence to bacon. As far as I’m concerned, bacon makes the world go ‘round. A world without bacon is like the feeling you got as a kid when you realized Santa Claus wasn’t real. Seriously, you could wrap a piece of dog turd in bacon and it would probably taste awesome.

Do I need to say more?

Once on the subject of pigs, I have a hard time keeping my social skills in check - not really aware that some lines of conversation may be a bit too graphic for the normal person. Sort of like most of my conversations. You might be aware of this if you know me in real life or follow me on Twitter. Sorry.

If you’ve ever seen the show Deadwood, you know the power of the swine. Dead bodies are often tossed into Mr. Wu’s pigpen for disposal. And dispose of the bodies they did. Pigs are omnivores and they will eat humans given the chance. They’ll also eat other pigs. Pigs are known to devour an entire body, even crushing and swallowing the bones. Makes getting rid of the evidence pretty easy on a pig farm. *duly noted for possible future use (you know, if my freezer gets too full)*

Not too scary now, pig. Just delicious.

We have friends that have raised pigs for food the past couple of years. And contrary to the belief pigs make good pets, I would beg to differ after witnessing these mean motherfuckers. I think they're talking about potbellied pigs. Our friends' pigs were obnoxious, destructive and almost aggressive towards them. Nearly knocking them down when it came to dinner time. Did these pigs actually know their fate? Was this why their manners towards their captors were less than acceptable? And once we passed along the little fact of a pig’s taste for human flesh, well, the trips into the pigpen where brisk. *insert evil laugh here*

If pigs didn't scare the living bejeezus out of me, and smell like shit heated up in a microwave, and, well, want to eat me as much as I want to eat them, I'd probably suggest to Mr. LKW that we get a couple to fatten up for a few months. But yeah. Those things I just said. *shivers* Although one year we did win the 4H Pig Raffle at the local county fair and man was that sucker delicious. Like seriously the best fucking bacon ever!

Bacon is so amazing, people even write poems about it. Seriously awesome poems.

While I’ve never been a big fan of pigs in general, pig meat is my favorite. From bacon to pulled pork to a nice ham steak to pork chops, I’m fairly certain I could live off the other white meat. What's your feeling on bacon? Let's share out favorite bacon meals in the comments... I could use some new ways to eat it!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

World's Best Worst Show

Rumor has it there is some big event going down in San Diego that rhymes with Bomic Bon, but we won't be prepared to write about that for another four to five months. At the earliest.

It's no secret I don't watch a lot of television. I ambitiously set the DVR to record things, and then delete them months later without ever watching them. Why I have ten hours of TV slated to record every week and I only ever watch five minutes, I'll never know. I WILL eventually get around to watching the new Sherlock season. Swear.

I watch even less reality TV because I tend to lose my will to live. Toddlers and Tiaras, I'm looking in your direction. Judgingly.

FULL STOP. Applebee's is still in business?

Much like the end result to many of my Google searches, I don't know how I came across World's Worst Tenants in the channel listings, but I'm so glad I did. It is pretty epic. What's it about? Not really certain. Should you stop what you're doing and set the DVR now? Hellz yeah!

If you ever needed incentive to pay your rent, this is it.

If you live in California and you are doing some funky shit in your rental, these are the folks who are coming to fuck your world. Landlords pay these imposing-looking people to fix the problem when tenants aren't paying rent or otherwise causing issues. I'll be honest, I feel like the lamest person ever after watching a few episodes. When I've rented properties, I've never thought about running a strip club from my home, having illegal boxing matches, housing farm animals in my apartment, performing cosmetic surgery in my bedroom (Yep, you read that right.), or operating a pharmacy from the living room. Did I say this show was epic?!

At least one person is hogtied on every episode. Yessssss!

 World's Worst Tenants airs on SpikeTV. They have some full episodes online. Just click-y that link above after you leave a comment on the weirdest thing you've ever done, or your "friend" has done in your abode. We won't judge you. Much.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Bathroom is Not a Conference Room

I've talked about bathrooms so many times on this blog I'm not even going to try to link back to all of those posts. I guess it's just one of those topics that I like talking about, which I'm sure is perfectly normal, like everything else I do.

 Everyone likes dollheads, right?

In my head, there is a strict code of etiquette that is required for sharing public bathrooms. I don't give a shit (pun intended) how you behave in the privacy of your own water closet, but I have very little patience for fuckery in a public bathroom.

Besides poop wars, one of the things I hate the most are people who think the bathroom is their very own personal conference room. These are the people who linger in the bathrooms divulging personal information, either with another coworker or on the phone. When you roll in, desperate to drop the kids off at the pool, they'll look at you like you interrupted a top secret business meeting. Like you're the asshole for the going to the bathroom... in the bathroom.


I have a personal rule against pooping when someone else is in the bathroom. However, this type of situation is the only time I not only break that rule, but try poop on command even if I don't need to.

There are only a handful of reasons why you should be in the bathroom -- to pee/poop, fix hair/makeup, brush teeth or hide from your boss by playing Word with Friends while sitting in the last stall.

But at least I leave when someone else comes in. I understand the need for privacy. 

 That pretty much sums it up.

Unfortunately, there are two women on my floor at work who think the bathroom solely belongs to them and they spend the bulk of their day in there, chatting away about the stupidest bullshit I've ever had to listen to with my dress hiked up around my waist. And trust me, I've heard some serious horseshit with my dress pushed up.

These ladies glare and roll their eyes when I walk in and have yet to realize that I can see them. You know, in the bathroom mirrors. Clever bitches, you two. NOT.

Anyway, what these ladies don't realize is, as they're talking about how important they are, is that I'm sitting on the toilet, praying to the Ass Gods Above that I'll be able to let out the nastiest, stinkiest fart I can.

Because the bathroom is not a conference room, fuck you very much. And breakers of the laws of etiquette must be punished.

Now if only I could figure out who pees all over the seat like a watering can and leaves used toilet paper on the floor. She's a sneaky ninja of filth, that one.

She deserves a swirly.

And how does one miss the toilet when disposing of toilet paper?

It's a mystery I may never solve.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I Hope They Show Twilight in Heaven.

This is a sad post - if you're coming for a quick laugh or pick-me up (which I hope we provide most days...), you might want to check back in tomorrow.

As many of you know, Comic-Con starts now-ish and those folks who made the pilgrimage to San Diego to see the Twilighty Holy Trinity have already started lining up to enter the Inner Sanctum (also know as "Hall H"). I have never attended, but I like to experience it vicariously so I was peripherally following along on Twitter to see how things were progressing. And then I read something terrible had happened: a Twilight fan had been struck and killed by a car while crossing the street to the convention center to line up.

Her name was Gisela Gagliardi and she went by TwiFanG or @mad4hugh on Twitter. I didn't know this woman, but on some level, I feel like I did - she could have been any one of us, out there visiting from New York, living her dream, meeting up with friends and actors who almost seem like friends at this point, getting front-row seats to this beginning of the end of The Twilight Saga. It breaks my heart that a life was cut short like this...tragic.

At center, loving life.

A Twitter friend - @theswandive - has set up a memorial page here, if you would like to take a moment to send some words of support or make a  donation. Thanks as always for being the best online community in the world - I can't agree more with the "#FandomIsFamily" tweets I have seen today. If I could, I'd give each and every one of you an uncomfortably tight and long hug right now.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Daisy Was a Motorcycle Bitch

This might seem just a little weird but I'm convinced in a previous life my bloodhound, Daisy, spent her days riding bitch on the back of a Harley. Yeah... I know it sounds a little crazy but did you expect anything less on this blog?

Sort of like this but not really.

I also like to give my dogs voices. Since I've only known Daisy just over a year, I've yet to figure out what she would sound like if she had a human voice. But George... well that one was easy... Sam Elliot, of course.

But I digress... (really, really digress...)

We take the dogs for a walk almost every day since if they don't get even just a short walk, they're like two Tasmanian devils whirling feverishly throughout the house, getting into ass-loads of mischief. Well, actually the old man doesn't do much whirling. Too tiring. During our walks, Daisy is a nosy Nelly. She has to see what all the neighbors are up to, check out kids playing in their yards, etc. You know, normal dog-type stuff.

Baaaaaaaaaaad dog! This is what happens when there's no walk.

She loves to check out the traffic too -- most of the time a little too close for our comfort. Not sure she gets that if one of those giant steel boxes on wheels hits her, she'll be as flat as Flat Stanley. She's not too bright.

But nothing gets her attention like a motorcycle revving along down the road. She doesn't just check these hogs out in passing. No sir-eee. She stops and lovingly watches it both approach her and then drive away down the road out of site. It's not until it's gone, or we've yanked on her leash, that she continues on her merry way.

It cracks us up because she does it every single time. No matter what type of bike, no matter who the rider is, she wants it. Bad.

I told Mr. LKW the other night that I though she may have been someone's old lady (yes, I watch too much Sons of Anarchy) and she misses the days of the breeze blowing through her long red ears hair.

She wants to ride on the back of him his bike... me too.

I've never been one to believe much in reincarnation until I had dogs. (And after I read A Dog's Purpose which, btw, is an awesome book but have plenty of tissues available. It's a tough one.) So pet owners... what was your furry friend in their previous life?

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Book Recommendation - Dark Places by Gillian Flynn

This past week I went up to the Finger Lakes with a few friends for six days of relaxing, swimming and drinking. Well, they did a lot of swimming, anyway. It took me 3 days to grow the balls to swim out past the dock and even then I'm pretty sure the folks alllll the way across the lake could hear me shrieking in pure, unadulterated terror. Because water makes me feel... uncomfortable. In an "ohmyfuckinggodI'mgonnadie" kind of way.

 I'm almost in the water.

So, instead of doing a whole lot of swimming, I did a whole lot of reading.

One of the books I absolutely devoured was called Dark Places: A Novel.

The synopsis:

Libby Day was seven when her mother and two sisters were murdered in “The Satan Sacrifice of Kinnakee, Kansas.” As her family lay dying, little Libby fled their tiny farmhouse into the freezing January snow. She lost some fingers and toes, but she survived–and famously testified that her fifteen-year-old brother, Ben, was the killer. Twenty-five years later, Ben sits in prison, and troubled Libby lives off the dregs of a trust created by well-wishers who’ve long forgotten her. 

This book is both a mystery and a tale of self-awakening. Gillian Flynn's writing style is stark yet incredibly descriptive. The first two sentences, in fact, had me sucked in immediately:

I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark, drop on the floor so you can stomp on it. 

There are certainly some dark themes in this novel, and the story switches between present day and the tragic, violent past. The main character, Libby Day, is a self-hating, depressed smart-ass, yet somehow ends up being endearingly flawed, as she navigates through the memories of a family that didn't have much of a chance at happiness in the first place.

But not all is murder and mayhem in Dark Places. Somewhere, between the past and the present, there comes the realization that there can always be, no matter how bad the past was, a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Yo Man, You Got Any Kale Chips?

Last week I bought some kale chips at our local farmer's market. They were obscenely expensive, but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that good-tasting-and-good-for-me food is more expensive than only-good-tasting food like potato chips and cheese balls. Luckily the kale chips are also obscenely delicious.

These taste so much like cheesy pizza toppings that I am almost certain they are made with magic since they are both vegan and gluten free. Also it took me most of the week to "get it" and put the name and the logo together (it's kale leaves. in pants with a bow tie. Chippin' Kales. get it? GET IT? ok you are better than me).

So today I packed up a snack baggie with wholesome raw kale goodness and when I got to work I tossed it out on my desk...

 Did someone say it's 4:20?

So yeah, no more baggies filled with kale chips - gonna have to bring the whole box or none at all.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Shake Your Groove Thang!

 Note to self: find this song! Also, improve penmanship.

Back when I was in college I had a roommate who used to lock herself in her bedroom so that she could dance around like a maniac for an hour. This was exercise. Her music of choice was a mix-tape that she had christened "Marge's Bubble-Butt Workout Tape."

Music makes you want to shake your ass and move around. Well, some music does that. To me. When I hear a particularly peppy song with an awesome beat, I mentally add it to the STY worky-outy playlist that may someday get my butt off the sofa or get me out of bed early for a run. Or a brisk walk. Let's be realistic: I don't run unless being chased.

Anyway, at some point last week as I rocketed down Route 1 on my way to work, I heard a song on the radio that HAD to be added to the mix. I grabbed my trusty Sharpie and blindly scribbled out a reminder on the back of my shopping list and here it is (I can almost feel the calories melting away already - if only it was that easy) -

So what songs motivate you to shake your ass? Do you have a workout playlist or a "Marge's Bubble Butt" mix that gets you grooving? Share it in the comments! This may be the day that I actually create a playlist on my iPod...

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Pre Fireworks Fireworks... Cosmopolis-Style

Yeah... right now there are fireworks in mah pants. Just sayin'.

I figure everyone is busy getting ready for Independence Day activities so I'm going to make it so simple for you tonight. You're welcome.

Just watch... admire... drool and faint. *thud*

(The music is not exactly my favorite, but TheBrunella80 did quite an amazing job on this video! Bravo, BRAVO!!)

Have a very Happy July 4th. Be safe.


Monday, July 2, 2012

Kristen Stewart for Balenciaga: Discuss

So this new Kristen-Stewart-for-Balenciaga ad came out today. I guess the highest paid actress in America needed a lil' side gig for some mad money - hey, room service is pricey! Or maybe she just liked the dress because it's fancy and short and it also has pockets, and you know that you really can't beat pockets in a cool dress. Pockets! What's not to love?? I just bought a great new dress with pockets, too! It looks just absolutely nothing like this:

I am kind of mixed on this look - I mean, yes, she's gorgeous. But they did kind of make her look a little alien-y. Or zombie-ish. C'mon - she hasn't looked this pale in any of the "after"-Bella stills I have seen for BD2! I don't know; maybe it's the black detail down the front of the dress that just says "cadaver" to me. I am sure that this dress costs more than my car and an ounce of the perfume would set me back enough to have me eating ramen noodles for dinner every night for a month, but meh.

Still wrapping my head around the shoes. I guess this is the platform-super-heel backlash? I have always has a soft spot for clunky black shoes...