Monday, September 14, 2009

Mini Edward and Jenny Jerkface Get Cockblocked from the Twidom

I'm baaaaack!!!!

Mini Edward protecting the gear...

At 12:08 this morning I unlocked the door to my apartment, dumped my bags in the middle of the living room and made a beeline straight for the computer. I didn't even care that I had to pee like a racehorse.

I needed my Twifix and I needed it bad.

When I left for Colorado with ML and his band for the Monolith Festival at Red Rocks, I took with me a slew of electronics - camcorders, cameras, laptops, blackberries, the whole nine yards - and was quite confident that I could blog away from the hotel (incidentally, this might have also been the reason why they searched the shit out of my bags at the airport - I mean, shit, I almost got a complimentary cavity search). I had such an arsenal of modern wizardry that I confidently assured Snarkier Than You that she wouldn't even notice I was half-way across the country instead of half-way across town.

I was wrong, as usual.

By the time I finally managed to get through to STY, she was convinced that this whole trip was a decoy for an intervention and I'd been thrown into Twihab against my will. The Sheraton at Denver West is apparently a black hole for technology. It's like those Verizon commercials--you know the ones where everyone acts all creepy and points out 'the dead zone'??? Yeah, that was my hotel. And who doesn't offer free in-room wifi these days?! You could get that at a HoJos or a Motel 8 anywhere in Jersey. I'd wager there are places you rent by the hour with free wifi! But not the Denver Sheraton.

Nevertheless, this did not stop me from sitting downstairs in the lobby every waking second I could, desperately trying to get a signal and cursing up a storm. I can assure you, I wasn't the only one hunched over some kind of device, begging it to work. The lobby was like a refugee camp of hipster musicians, each one silently (or not so silently, in some cases) pleading for Pitchfork Media page to just fucking load already.

Fuck Pitchfork. I needed access to Twitarded and it's blogroll. I can't tell you how torturous it was to read everyone's comments but not be able to get to the website from my blackberry. It didn't help matters that all the comments were some variation of "OMFGAHHH THAT'S THE MOST AMAZING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!! SQUEEEEEEE!!!"

I hated all of you.

I really had high hopes for this trip. I thought for sure that Mini Edward was going to get some kick-ass photos with Karen O., or maybe even Method Man (who was staying at our hotel) but as far as Mini-E photo ops went, it was a total bust.

And really fucking cold. In fact, Mini-E only came out of hiding once in awhile because I had to keep my hands tucked into my armpits for warmth (where's Jacob when you need him???).

I was in the throes of hypothermia when I tweeted this picture, apparently...

At one point I was taking pictures of Mini-E during M. Ward's set when some kid came up to me and said, "May I ask what you're going?"

Well, duuuuuh, stoner boy. Polite stoner boy, but still... What does it look like I'm doing?

This interaction occurred after I discovered wine made me feel warm and fuzzy and if one glass was good then five would be stellar (er, what's that? drinking at high altitudes intensifies the effects? you don't say!). So I politely explained to him that I was taking a picture of my vampire action figure. For some reason, this response elicited a raised eyebrow. He asked why. I told him Edward Cullen was a fan of M. Ward. The eyebrow went higher. He asked where I was from, which kind of baffled me. I mean, what the hell does that have to do with anything? I told him I was from New Jersey and he asked me what I, and my little plastic friend, thought of Colorado. I said "awesome!!"

Then he made me repeat that like five times until I realized he was making fun of my accent. Stupid fucking hippie. I may have scowled at him but don't remember because a big gust of wind came out of nowhere and blew my dress up. I'm totally serious. AND it was the same fucking dress that I was wearing when I mooned everyone on the RW subway last week. I'm like Marilyn fucking Monroe but not sexy. That dress is cursed. It needs to be exorcised. The only good thing was that it was so cold I had my thighs clenched together like a vice grip. Seriously, if I had testicles they would have been lounging around in my stomach. I think every single text I sent to STY included some variation of "I'm cold, wet and miserable and am currently rethinking my anti-pants position."

Lots of wine + freezing rain = this fucking expression.

It was a good time, but Mini-E and I are glad to be back in New Jersey, where you can glom on to an internet connection from almost anywhere, your blackberry is more than just a paperweight with pretty buttons, and the temperature doesn't plummet like it did in the Eclipse "tent scene" every night.

40 comments:

  1. Well I'm glad you made it home safe and sound ...Welcome back ...and now that you are home , so what do you think of the not-so-new-new preview and everything else that has gone one while you were away ?

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  2. Yes, do tell JJ.....what do you think?????

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  3. and for the record....we all did feel really bad.....like we were cheating on you a little, but snarkier made us watch.......

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  4. I'm dying laughing at your conversation with the hippie. My husband used to have a license plate that said NUYORKA and you wouldn't believe how many smart asses would ask him to say "hot dog" or some shit like that. Lucky he didn't pop a cap in their ass!

    Glad you made it home safely and you didn't suffer any long term effects of your hypothermia... or did you?

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  5. Yay! Welcome back JJ. Glad you made it back safely, now have fun catching up on all the greatness that happened over the weekend (I missed a lot, too, fucking RL). At least RL gave way to kick ass new trailer and a steamy new chapter of CW & IA!

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  6. Why do people like to make fun of accents? I get it all the time. I moved from FL to TN and for at least the first year my S/O's friends thought it was funny when I would say certain things. It would piss me off but then I realized I do it! It's like laughing when when you see someone fall, after you ask if they are ok that it is...

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  7. Hahaha you should have gotten a picture of mini e with the hippie! anyone who doesn't live in the north east doesn't get the accent. I went out to Cali once and they made fun of the way I said "on" they pronounce it "aw-n" and I pronounce it "oi-n" kind of like the oi in coin but not really... well you know you're an east coaster. But I was like "awn" what the f, there's no AW in ON.

    Down here in Bawlmer, MD we have our own special breed of accent however it's easy to bust out the southern. we also don't like to pronounce T's or D's sometimes, we just drop them casually from various words.

    If you're ever in Bmore and someone asks you if you're "goin downy owshin" just tell them you're allergic to salt water and to pass the old bay.

    p.s. Bahahaha! Pitchfork. You have to be radiohead to earn a 5 or higher from them, in fact I think radiohead is it's own rating on their scale

    p.s.s there's large scary finger coming after you in that picture. lmao!

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  8. Love you, JJ... missed you! But STY did a great job in your absence, I must give her props. But STY without JJ is like Bella without Edward... you two belong together.

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  9. Awww @Lori put it perfectly. So glad you are back and in full touch with the internets.

    You know they say in the Pacific Northwest we have no accent so I love any accent.

    Too bad you didn't have your Twitarded fleece lined jacket to keep you warmer. And please explain the no pants thing you got going on--that sounds chilly.

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  10. Welcome back JJ, hope you got your tech fix. Since it was cold and wet I guess you could have pretended you were in Forks, except for it not being as green,it might have made the trip better.

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  11. Mini Edward photo op in that last pic with the person with the ET finger. Or is that a splint? ouuuuuch

    Glad you managed to stay warm (enough) and liquored up. Welcome home.

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  12. Hey JJ, glad you made it back home ok. I'm a native of Colorado and understand that the weather can give you whiplash. I also feel your pain about technology here. Maybe it's the mountains, who knows. Any how sorry you didn't have the best experience.

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  13. Glad to have you back JJ. I am traveling next week for work and have already confirmed I will have internet access, not for work reasons of course...but so I can visit my twiblogs and read my fanfic. Can't go a day without.

    Mini E will be making his first trip with me.

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  14. The dead zone would be my worst nightmare, especially when I'm toting a bunch of crap that needs a non-dead zone, and super especially when there's some sort of new twilighty deal.

    Welcome back :)

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  15. Yeah JJ you're back. I agree with everyone. STY did a great job espicially with the whole new moon trailer conspiracy and fucking Summit having them removed one by one. It was an insane friday but I am so glad that you are back and go team twitarded!

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  16. Glad you're back, JJ!! Missed your "oisomeness".
    :D

    W/V: fling. ....yeah I'd like to have a fling....heh heh

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  17. STY held the fort down, but so missed your take on the new trailer this weekend. Glade you and E are back!

    VW:TINGL - What my lady bits did when I saw Robward shirtless in the NM trailer:D

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  18. Jenny you're back! We missed you! STY did great, kudoes. PE didn't warm you enough? oh jeesh, i forgot he is as cold as ice. lol

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  19. Welcome back JJ! We definitely did miss you! I totally agree with what Lori says - STY did a GREAT job giving us all we needed to ooogle and squeeeeeeeeeeeee! BUT, you both make a GREAT team!!

    And I too am curious about the no pants thing...

    I did not know that drinking at high altitudes intensifies the effects - I'd probably save a few pennies that way! ;)

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  20. Awww, thanks guys! I missed all of you, too.

    @RPaddict - Colorado was really beautiful. I'd love to go there again and actually do some sightseeing. But yes, the weather was a little insane. Naturally, I was ill prepared. As usual.

    You guys crack me up. Actually, the scary finger in the background belongs to a friend of mine. She broke it playing bass.

    As for the anti-pants thing - I HATE wearing pants. I find them very uncomfortable and rarely wear them. I know, I'm weird. However, I think the next time I go to an outdoor festival I might actually dig through my closet and find a pair of jeans or something because it was cold!

    Oh, btw, I LOVE the new NM trailer! It's amazing. I didn't think it was possible to be even more excited about the movie coming out but that trailer definitely made me squee!

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  21. Welcome back JJ! I'll be flying from Cleveland, OH out to Denver in about a month to visit a (non-twitared) girlfriend. Definitely glad I have a no-skirt/dress rule (jeans are another layer of skin for me, while skirts make me insanely petrified that I'm going to pull a Paris Hilton and show the goods to random strangers. And to be honest, I'm just too lazy to shave everyday and my pale skin tone will probably melt your retinas).

    Thanks for the head's up on the altitude + alcohol. Guess that means it will only take 3 beers before I'm whipping out Mini-E. I'll be an extra-cheap date that weekend.

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  22. Like I always say "welcome home, come on in, sit down, shut the fuck up and how about a nice cup of tea?"

    Jesus loves, no pants?! You must have had chapped lips, hope you had some Twitarded lube I mean chapstick with you..

    I'm sure you had alot of fun even if the weather sucked donkey dicks.

    Oh and why is that guy in the background pointing a vibrator towards you??


    :D

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  23. Welcome back JJ!! While STY is great, having you two separated is like mint with no julep. Ashford with no Simpson, Bella with no Edward - just a big fucking hole in our chests... you get the picture. Anyway, glad you didn't freeze to death or get arrested for indecent exposure (however that would have made a hell of a blog entry).

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  24. @Team_Six_Pack - lol, you are so right about Pitchfork. I prefer to call it Pretentious Media, lol. Actually, I have to say that ML's band got a 7 rating on one of our albums!! [Queue shameless sort-of-self promotion] http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/13175-my-sons-home/

    And I have to say that I did miss everyone terribly. I don't feel whole without my STY, lol. She's the lamb to my lion...

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  25. YAY! JJ's back! STY did a stellar job of holding down the fort - but it's nice to have ya back and reconnected to the world :)

    VW fun - warmsi. Hope you're warmsi now!

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  26. Noo! I am from New Jersey as well and we don't have accents!! I'll never understand why people say that

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  27. Maybe some nice leggings under the dress? That would help with the cold legs and also avoid the embarrassing Marilyn Monroe skirt flip action......

    I swear I do not know TallulahBelle, and I'm not on her payroll. But... I'm going to keep pimping her story Elemental until the reviews break 1000. The latest chapter just posted with the first lemon of the story, although it's the most unconventional lemon I've ever read.

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  28. JJ, I have to say... you are so freakin' adorable that I just want to pinch your cheeks and hold you hostage in my office to entertain me live at work everyday. Loved your post & glad you're back in Twidom again. JJ & STY- You two Twitards are beyond awesome!!

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  29. LOL! Sorry you were so cold and miserable and technologically unconnected! Damn, sounds like my worst nightmare! Glad you're back!

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  30. Welcome back @JJ!!!

    I agree with the general sentiment that although @STY did a FABULOUS job in her solo moment, like Edward and Bella confirm to each other, it was ... uncomfortable ... for you to be away!

    Seriously, every time I'd watch the trailer, I'd feel a little twinge of concern that you hadn't seen it yet.

    It's one thing to be traveling, you've had many other trips, and while STY didn't like not being able to hang out in person, you were still hooked in, this though, to be cut off from the twidom *shudder* let's just say I hope it NEVER happens to me!!! I think I'm just to wired in to be cut off and live!

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  31. Ah. Good to have you back, JJ. =]
    That freaking conversation with the hippie had me rotflmfao! I read it several times. XD!
    I adored the trailer and watched that various times as well. <3
    I get teased about my accent often. I'm from St. Louis, MO, but I go to school in SC so everyone makes fun of the way I talk. I realize I have an accent and i refuse to change it, darnnit! I can't quite help it if I say "hurr" instead of "here." It's a Midwest thang. ;]
    @Anonymous: everyone has an accent. The reason you don't think you have one is because you're too used to your own. If you're from NY, you have a NY accent. It's there.
    *sigh* Can't believe I've been away from here for a few days. What was I thinking?! O.o Stupid tests/quizzes/assignments. ;.;

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  32. :( I'm guessing now's the wrong time to mention my office is right there and I would've totally hooked you up on a network. Or at least given you our wireless network password. With Colorado weather it's best to travel with shorts, thongs, a parka, earmuffs, a bikini and scarf. Sometimes all of that's called for in the same day.

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  33. Ooh, two more Twitards from Colorado!? Was afraid I was alone.

    JJ - Sorry you got the lousy weather and can't believe you couldn't get internet; I mean, we got indoor plumbing out here almost a year ago! Sigh. Anyway, while I was freezing my own ass off on Saturday I was bizarrely comforted by the thought that you, Mini-E and your Jersey accent were within state borders. Holler when you come back!

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  34. Good Lord, I hate getting behind on your posts because then I miss out on shit like this!!!!

    JJ you are freaking hysterical and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE when you post pictures of your adorable face making adorable faces!

    Wine + high altitudes + mini-E = HEAVEN!

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  35. Good Lord, I hate getting behind on your posts because then I miss out on shit like this!!!!

    JJ you are freaking hysterical and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE when you post pictures of your adorable face making adorable faces!

    Wine + high altitudes + mini-E = HEAVEN!

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  36. :( I'm guessing now's the wrong time to mention my office is right there and I would've totally hooked you up on a network. Or at least given you our wireless network password. With Colorado weather it's best to travel with shorts, thongs, a parka, earmuffs, a bikini and scarf. Sometimes all of that's called for in the same day.

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  37. LOL! Sorry you were so cold and miserable and technologically unconnected! Damn, sounds like my worst nightmare! Glad you're back!

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  38. The dead zone would be my worst nightmare, especially when I'm toting a bunch of crap that needs a non-dead zone, and super especially when there's some sort of new twilighty deal.

    Welcome back :)

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  39. and for the record....we all did feel really bad.....like we were cheating on you a little, but snarkier made us watch.......

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