Sunday, May 30, 2010

Get on Your Knees and Chug...

Ah yes, Memorial Day weekend. This weekend most Americans are probably hunched over paper plates, hoovering potato salad, hamburgers from the grill and all that other goodness that comes with outdoor eating and BBQ-ing into their gobs. Myself included, of course.

Yesterday ML and I went to the annual drinkfest camp-out in a town that is probably Jersey's version of Forks - it's that small. Lots of good food and conversation was had, including no less than four conversations about the 3 V's (Vaginas, Vibrators and sparkly Vampires) and one incident that involved multiple F-bombs, a four year old boy, and a flaming s'mores.

Sweet motherfucking baby jeebus fuckity fuck fuck FUCK. Whoops, sorry 'bout torching your marshmallow kid. Now stop fucking crying...

As is usually the case, Mini Edward was indeed in attendance but unfortunately I didn't get any pictures. Due to the high alcohol content of my first drink(s), Mini-E got, er, kind of lost and wasn't unearthed until this morning. Either that or ML threw him under the car seat on purpose. Regardless, I was without my trusty sidekick and was forced to watch a bunch of grown men play "Bros Icing Bros" which is quite possibly the stupidest, most idiotic drinking game I have ever heard of.

“‘Icing’ — or ‘getting iced’ — is a drinking game that’s rapidly gaining popularity amongst office workers, tech and media types, and college students. The rules are simple: If a person sees a Smirnoff Ice, he or she must get down on one knee and chug it, unless they happen to be carrying their own Smirnoff, in which case they can “ice block,” or refract the punishment back onto the attacker. In order to dupe people into stumbling across the beverage, participants have devised creative ways of presenting them with Ices, like strapping the bottles to the backs of dogs or burying them in vats of protein powder.”

I can't wait to pull this on Snarkier Than You. I'm 99.99% positive we can twist this around to incorporate Twilight somehow. I mean, it's almost too easy, what with the word "ice" being used. And let's think about this -- when you get Iced you have an icy cold (albeit totally fucking disgusting) beverage, you have to get on your knees and chug it.

On your knees. And swallow. An icy liquid. Get it?

Quick! You've been Iced. Now get on your knees and chug this bottle Edward Cullen Cum...

Okay, fine. I might have to rethink that one.

Any suggestions?

36 comments:

  1. First! W00T! Well, I'd change the "n" to a "k" since folks are always smirking in fan fic...

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  2. JJ- I need to know your secrets for successful camping. Just one night with cub scout pack left me sore all over. Could it be the alcohol that makes sleeping on the ground more acceptable?

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  3. WHAT YOU DONT LIKE THE ICE????? LOL!!!! i have my own drinking game for the ice, i buy a case on friday and drink it all by sunday!!!!! add a little grenadine to it, it taste MUCH better!!!!!
    LOVE LOVE LOVE U TWATWAFFLES!!!!!!

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  4. lol Wow, ok so see I have this whole issue where when I read something I visualize it without trying. It's a blessing and a curse. Well it was a blessing in this case. JJ thanks for the visual (not like I haven't had it before) lol I always look forward to what I will come and see when I enter Twitardia and I am never disappointed.

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  5. I love Smirnoff Ice! And now I will NEVER be able to look or drink a bottle with out think of Edward Cullen Cum! Thank you JJ! lol

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  6. BAHAHAHAHA!

    I dunno JJ, you'd think Edward's spunk would taste better than Smirnoff Ice.

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  7. Oh lord...I have sworn off the Ice since undergrad. Many-a bad night started and ended with it. I don't think I could participate in such a game without gagging a little on impulse.




    Why do I feel like we're gonna be playing this game ALLLLLL weekend in in FOOORRRRKKSSSSS!!? I can see Ices hiding all over the hotel.....

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  8. Well fellas, add that one to the list of things Edward Cullen is better at than you.

    Producing sweet and refreshing spooge.

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  9. Danm! Where was this post of Friday? I already got together with my family, drank a shitload of Smirnoff's and Mikes Hard Lemonade... I know, it was the only thing there that could remotely impare someone... and barely got a buzz. I realized half way through my self destruction that my nine year old had eaten nearly three racks of beer soaked ribs! No shit! I was freaking out, checking his pupils and damning Smirnoffs to hell for distracting me! My brothers thought it was hillarious. Assholes.

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  10. @TwitardedMom - I have been camping since before I could even walk so I'm pretty used to the whole tent thing.

    The alcohol definitely helps with the whole sleeping thing but I can tell you from loads of experience that there is nothing worse than waking up at the ass crack of dawn in a sweltering tent hung over. It's terrible.

    @LindsayRae and Co. - Smirnoff Ice is basically alcohol poisoning in a bottle, if you ask me. I'm not a sweet drink kind of gal but I have very vivid memories of hurling my guts out thanks to various malt liquor beverages. Ugh.

    @Cupcake Donna - I love the word spooge. It's such a great word.

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  11. Ugh, I'm with Simple Complexity, I can't read or hear anything without visualizing it, so you gave me some great pictures in my head, thanks, JJ. I'll never be able to look at or drink Smirnoff again.

    Just fyi though, burnt marshmallows in smores are awesome - seriously, it's the best and only way to eat toasted marshmallows. Just light 'em up and let 'em burn to a nice crisp.

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  12. Omg...I had a witty comment planned until I saw my w/v was "fringid". That's spooky.
    Um...I'm back from vacay. I'm rested. I'm ready to get iced..

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  13. We're freezing our asses off here in the wet NW; only the insane are outside - camping in the rain is greatly overrated.

    It's 55 and "misting" in Forks and a big 58 in the city. Only thing I'm thinking about drinking is hot buttered rum.

    Thank goddess there is fan-fic to keep me warm.

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  14. @TwitardedMom That, there is your first problem.
    Never, and I mean NEVER camp with the Cub Scouts or Boy Scouts.
    I used to love camping until that stage of parenthood hit.
    Little boys (and their Dads) are filthy, filthy, helpless creatures when they are together in big packs.
    And pioneer camping has no toilets. Just yuck!

    And alcohol is prohibited. BULLSHIT! (I always snuck mine in and drank in my tent)

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  15. Ewww, Smirnoff Ice used to be all I'd drink as a teen but now it grosses me out. Black Russians are much better. Mmmm. Might be a bit hard to strap one on the back of a dog though.

    Ooooh wait, Smirnoff Ice is lemony! awesome.

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  16. I've never had a Smirnoff Ice, but I'm definitely down with some Edward Cullen Ice. I think even the spitters out there would become swallowers or gulpers if given some of that. (OMG, did I just say that?)

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  17. this post kinda made my whole day! <3

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  18. @Twitardedmom: I think alcohol pretty much makes anything more acceptable! lmao!
    xo J

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  19. Smirnoff will just never look, let alone taste the same after this post. JFC, will there be at least one fucking tiny sphere of my life which will remain Twilight free?

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  20. I want to vomit just looking at that bottle of Ice. But now that you've repackaged it as EC Jizz, it may just turn into my new favorite drinky poo.

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  21. Now, whenever I see a Smirnoff Ice I will forever and always be reminded of Edward Spooge. YUMO!! Or, just Spunk Ransom. Either or will do just fine. BRILLIANT!!

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  22. OMG Smirnoff Ice is the only alcohol I drink lol! And I saw a pic of Rob with one once - he must have felt sooo lost without his beloved Heineken - and NOW you're calling it "Edward Cullen Cum" - I'm never gonna be able to drink it the same way ever again. But something tells me I'll be drinking them a lot more .... (can't imagine why) x

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  23. Not a fan of Smirnoff Ice, but may have to reconsider... Hmmmm Edward Cullen Cum... That could be fun!

    Twist on the game... Since we all probably have a mini E or two we could twist the game to any time you see a mini E you get down on your knees and drink?!? Just a thought...

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  24. Ugh, every time I drink Smirnoff Ice I feel like my teeth get all fuzzy and disgusting from the sugar. There's such a weird/gross sugary/alcoholic aftertaste!

    I hope to hell that that's not what Edward spooge tastes like!


    Sounds like a great trip, JJ! Your "Sweet motherfucking baby jeebus fuckity fuck fuck FUCK" had me rolling :)

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  25. @Jenny Jerkface:
    Where in NJ do you live? I use to live up there until my parents decided it would be a great idea to move to SC, God were the fucking wrong! I miss NJ! Here's a tip DON'T MOVE TO SC they hate Northerners A LOT!
    My mother apologizes to me like everyday for bringing me down here, she hates it here too. We lived in Passaic County. My grandparents lived in Wayne. Oh how I miss it. Can I come live with you? We can obsess over Edward and make plans to kidnap the precious for to keep him for our very own!!! ;-)

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  26. @Jelena - silly girl.

    Of course any and everything revolves around the "Twi."

    Including manjam.

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  28. JJ, thanks for sharing your raucous camping jam, even though Mini-E wasn’t able to document the joy…I spent my weekend with my Mr.A trying to block out conversations about which Axis & Allies edition kicked which other editions ass – NOTE: And why is my Twi-Obsession an issue???…this conversation also elicited responses from overzealous 9 year olds in attendance. Where was an “ice chug” when I needed it? This game should DEF. be modified for the “Retreat”/ Foooorrrrrkkkksss!!!!! Hope all the ladies of Twitardia had a fantastic weekend full of potato salads, chicken or to-furkey, and lots (LOTS) of alcohol consumption to aid in merriment.

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  29. Can someone please make a jpeg of the Edward Cullen Cum label? I would download that and replace the labels on all the bottles. I might even break the law and mail bottles to my friends.

    That's awesome.

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  30. I'm reading this way late but seeing that Smirnoff Ice and reading all the hilarious comments got me thinking about my (brief) affair with another malt beverage that, for the life of me, I could not remember the name of. Then *poof* -- ZIMA!! And I just had to blurt that out... loud... in my cube farm. My teammate said "What?" and I replied "Um, nothing, sorry." Blech, I can't believe I used to drink that. Of couse, that was back in the day when going to a country line dancing place sounded like a good idea.

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  31. @Jacksonstat - I am so fascinated to learn when/where country line dancing was a good idea. Please please do elaborate!!

    vw: comign. So not joking!

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  32. @Holly - sorry you're not liking life in SC. I promise we don't all hate northerners...I imported one from PA and married him!

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  33. @Fooorkspimp - Yeah,I know. I spent a chunk of my life living in the sticks. Which I blame, for lots of things, but going to country bars for one. I never personally line danced (except for the electric & cha cha slide and I'm pretty sure everyone's done those a time or two... or 50). But lots of my friends did so I went. And there were some cute boys in cowboy hats so that made it ok :)

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  34. @TwitardedMom - I have been camping since before I could even walk so I'm pretty used to the whole tent thing.

    The alcohol definitely helps with the whole sleeping thing but I can tell you from loads of experience that there is nothing worse than waking up at the ass crack of dawn in a sweltering tent hung over. It's terrible.

    @LindsayRae and Co. - Smirnoff Ice is basically alcohol poisoning in a bottle, if you ask me. I'm not a sweet drink kind of gal but I have very vivid memories of hurling my guts out thanks to various malt liquor beverages. Ugh.

    @Cupcake Donna - I love the word spooge. It's such a great word.

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  35. lol Wow, ok so see I have this whole issue where when I read something I visualize it without trying. It's a blessing and a curse. Well it was a blessing in this case. JJ thanks for the visual (not like I haven't had it before) lol I always look forward to what I will come and see when I enter Twitardia and I am never disappointed.

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  36. I love Smirnoff Ice! And now I will NEVER be able to look or drink a bottle with out think of Edward Cullen Cum! Thank you JJ! lol

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