Monday, May 31, 2010

I Had A(nother) Dream... RPattz, Where Are You? [Please Don't Say "New Jersey"]

For the past couple of months I've been struggling with what I'm going to do for Eclipse. I had tentatively made plans to take the day off and see it with some of my not-nearly-as-obsessed-as-me-but-will-humor-me Twilight-y friends, but now I'm having second thoughts. I reeeeeeeeally want to join Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You in NYC for my virginal viewing of a movie I'm positive will be the death of me (or at least my panties). I live in Maine - I'm not that far away - I should be able to pull it off... right?

Hmmm... maybe JJ and STY would rather not bear witness to my disintegrating panties...

But once again I'm faced with the monumental task of going to Mr. Latchkey Wife with yet another Twilight-related getaway. I mean, he was really cool about Forks and all but how much do I really want to test his patience? I've actually thought about reviving the plan I had last summer when I was obsessed with getting to NYC to set stalk the preh-tay... The general gist was to tell my husband I had some errands to run and come home three days later. Ooopsy.

Edward, you'll be waiting for me in Forks, right? Don't tell Mr. Latchkey, 'mkay?

I'm sure it's all this hand-wringing and plan formulating that led me to have a really fucking strange dream last night. Unfortunately, this dream did not feature a visit from RPattz. Lucky me, the stars of last night's dream were none other than Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You! Wha... wha... what? It was weird... mostly weird because despite being in touch with them about a gazillion times a day, we've never actually met in person!
From what I can remember, I showed up in New Jersey unannounced, landing at the front door of STY's place. Thankfully she was happy to see me! She immediately whisked me away to the local bar [shocker!] where JJ was holding court [wow - another shocker!]. So STY was all like "JJ, look who's here!!" And Jenny looked at me like she had no. fucking. idea. who. the fuck. I was. [I'll have to forgive her because I'm sure she was plastered and probably saw three of me.] When she finally realized it was me, she gave me a sloppy, drunken hug and invited me to join her gathering of misfits.

I ended up sitting next to this older woman [Mommy not a Jerkface perhaps] who was not very nice to me at all. As a matter of fact, the bitch was so mean, she broke a beer bottle on the edge of the table and sliced my arm open. [Maybe now I know where JJ gets her grit!] Here I am bleeding all over the place... I guess that's when JJ decided it was time to go. Do we go to the emergency room? Ah, no... we end up back at JJ's place which wasn't her new house, but an old, run down, attic apartment that actually has a fucking stage in one of the rooms [totally random].

Oh wait, it wasn't MnaJ, it was Kathy-fucking-crazy-ass-Bates who cut me!

When we show up, ML is running around with a band mate trying to gather shit to leave. And I'm still bleeding like a fucking stuck pig but no one seemed to give a shit. Then JJ just leaves. She abandons me in the apartment, letting me bleed to death while she's gone back out to finish her afternoon of drinking. And someone pounds on the door, but instead of a peep hole, there's just a section of the door missing and I look out and it's the crazy bitch from the bar still after me with her broken beer bottle weapon.

Next thing I know, I'm wandering around some sort of generic downtown area looking for Jenny. I can't find her, but I did take a picture of the area and texted it to my husband to show him I arrived safe and sound. The end.
What does it all mean? I think someone is trying to tell me something... like if I go to NYC for Eclipse, I may get murdered in New Jersey before I even make it to the movie. And where the hell did STY go? She just left me with JJ, with absolutely no regard for my safety!

Fuck me... I'm dead.

Note from STY: Uh, JJ, I think maybe we went a liiiiiitle too far when we regaled LKW with all those cheery stories about Newark and the surrounding area!


  1. Ooooo! The first time I'm first! :) Oh LKW, don't let the dream scare you. A true dream interpreter (which of course I'm not) would certainly tell you that no dream should ever be taken literally. It probably means something along the lines of....that if you get to NY somehow for the Eclipse premier you'll end up face down in the pretty's crotch by nights end. Book that Greyhound bus ticket tonight, Bitch! ;)

    BTW, you're in Maine, and I'm in Vermont....and we go to Maine every summer on vaca (Portland area). Muhwaaaah!! Maybe a little meet up sometime?

  2. Jesus. Sounds like you guys (JJ, STY) have already primed her for the Court Tavern! Because that dream sequence, the part in the bar? I'm pretty sure that happened to me there. More than once.

  3. Wow, that's so weird.

    I had a dream last night that I was sitting at a bar with a small drunk girl with glasses. Then two other girls walked in screetching horny shit about Robert Pattinson. My BOYFRIEND!

    I went into a drunken rage and cut a bitch with my beer bottle. The girl with the glasses and the other one took the bleeding one and said something about doing karaoke "Annie" songs at her apartment. "I've even got a stage," she says. "I'm gonna sing "Maybe" first!

    Then I went out back, where RPattz was waiting for me. And I rode that dirty bad boy for a little while. Good and hard!

    When we were both satisfied, I went out looking for the three other girls to finish them off, before they came after my Rob!

    It was a pretty good dream. Sex, Violence, Rob Pattinson and Broadway musicals. Top that bitches!

  4. @Myg - Doooood. I totally thought of the Court too! lmao!

    @Cupcake Donna - It's supposed to be Sex, Violence, Rob Pattinson and rock 'n' roll.

    Dreams = our inner subconscious totally fucking us. :)

  5. You all remember that freshman psych class you may have been required to sleep through - that's where you learned that EVERYTHING in your dream is YOU - JJ, SNY, the bottle, the bar, even The Precious (when he decides to make his entrance) It's all about you, LKW!See how complicated you are? That's why I love you (also that you live in Maine,like maniac, hmmm).

  6. Seriously, I read that cartoon at the end as a good idea. Then when all you out-of-staters get punk in drublic...

  7. AHHHH!!! It's like reading my own brain, this post of yours! I live in midcoast Maine and I'm trying to decide whether I should see the triple flick with my moderately Twihard friends in Brunswick, or meet my crazy-obsessed-like-me friend in NYC to stalk HHH at the Today Show and watch Eclipse there. Between the two of us, we have 3 preschoolers and approximately 2 understanding husbands, but this may be pushing it. What to do????

  8. I'm sorry LKW-You "bleeding like a stuck pig" is not a good thing-But your dream has me rolling! My husband even stopped and asked what I was cackling at. If this is any inclination what Forks will be like...Hmmm...

  9. @Vermonstermom4edward- Im from Portland, Maine, too. Are we having a moment?

    @LKW- Frued would loooove that one. I had a dream the other night staring none other than mwah and a few unexpected faces.

    I dreamt I was at the British movie awards last week and I was finally going to meet Rob face to face. But for some reason the cast of Harry Potter kept interupting my progress. I mean, WTF! If I had a knife I would have cut them. Bitches! LOL!

  10. i really DO NOT recommend seeing the movie with people who aren't as into it as you are - at least for the first viewing. i did that for new moon. **insert long and boring sob story here** just make sure that even if your fellow movie-goers aren't as into it as you are that they will have the right energy-level and excitement that you have otherwise it seriously puts your eclipse cherry in peril. i say go with jj and sty! even if your dream turns out to be prophecy, nothing is worse than seeing a long-awaited fave movie with haters. broken bottles and copious bleeding would be preferable. i would give my left arm to see the movie with twitards. just soften the blow to mr latchkey with lots of preemptive bjs. works wonders...

  11. @Cullenboyz - I vote for NYC! Maximize the benefit of those understanding husbands!!

    Um, the dream I had last night was that all the belltowers in DC (there are a lot of these, you say? In my dream there are) were occupied by tiny goats. ( Toefunny!

    I found this to be truly inhumane and started a campaign to Mayor Fenty about improving the plight of the tiny hunchback-of-notre-dame goats.

    Why is this shit occupying my brain instead of The Precious? Or at least bar meetups with JJ, STY and LKW?

    Seriously, wtf, subconscious?

  12. LKW, you MUST go to NYC for Eclipse shenanigans with JJ & STY. Tell your husband you want to meet them before going all the way out to Forks to party w/ them ;) DO IT!

    xo J

  13. LKW that is one funny fucked up dream. Okay its not funny that you were bleeding but the Kathy Bates thing almost made me pee myself! LMFAO! --When I was nine I watched Misery (fyi my sisters were really bad babysitters) and Annie Wilkes (KB) was chasing me in a pink clown suit with a serrated bread knife down a never ending narrow hallway. I know!... W. T. F. ?!

    That reminds me... has anyone had any fanfic inspired dreams, or am I the only weirdo? I started reading Clipped Wings and Inked Armor (I know, late in the game). But I had a really REALLY goooood dream featuring none other than Edward Masen. Yes, Tattward. Whom looked exactly like Rob w/ tatts and piercings) Mmhhmm like this Unfortunately, it was only PG13 rated. But it was still gooood. Surprised Fifty hasn't made an appearance in my pervy dreams yet.
    Note to self: read MotU excerpt and channel inner goddess before bed ;)

  14. Oh, LKW! You know the dream is just trying to trick you into NOT going to NYC for the movie. It is now your mission to do everything you can to show that dream that you are the Head Bitch In Charge and get your sexy ass to Twitarded HQ in time to hop the train to the city, pregame like a motherfucker, and enjoy the film.

    vw: cemin.

  15. @LKW - First of all, you MUST fulfill your Twitarded destiny and go to NYC to see Eclipse with JJ & STY! I'm seeing the twi triple feature with a group including ZAnyMouse and SidewalkCandy and couldn't imagine seeing without them. You need to experience this movie with people who truly understand the obsession.

    As far as figuring out your dream, I think this is a job for Mrs P!!

  16. Hahahahaha! I think I dreamed about JJ too over the weekend...though I was in a Benadryl induced sleep haze. All I can remember is she was going on about growing her hair wasn't as interesting as the dream I had about LKW and I seeing the Precious' peen.

    Pretty soon we are all going to be having our periods at the same's bound to happen. Maybe we should all chart our 'moons' in FFFOORRRKKKKSSSS!!!!!

  17. Um...OK. This dream has a lot of deep and personal stuff in it, and if you want me to tell you what i think it means, then just send me an email..bc I don't think it belongs in the comments. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. Wow, I had a Twi inspired dream last night. I was being kidnapped and I was tied up in the back of Bella's truck and Jacob turns around to see if I was still there, which I was since I was tied up. And I let him take me. Hmmm, I am so Team Edward, but hey I guess I'd let Taycob kidnap me.

    Anyone live further down the east coast, in say, the Baltimore area??

  19. @Vermonstermom & @Kerri - I grew up in Portland!! My parents still live there and I only live 20 minutes north. I work right in town. LOL!

    @Cullenboyz - I believe I drove through your town last night on my way to eat dinner at the Dolphin Restaurant in Harpswell. Small world...

    @Mr. Myg - Thanks for the comment... "punk in drublic" LMAO... hope that's not me!!

    I'm hoping to hop the bus to NYC... cheaper and a little faster than the train. Anyone who's taking the train from Portland to Boston knows how painful it can be!!

  20. Oh and @Mrs. P, I'll be sending you an email... I think this is a dream that could use some interpreting!

  21. I say go inspite of the dream.

  22. wow, lots of New England Twitards out there. I'm in Mass. Luckily my sister is almost as obsessed as me (i can't get her to read the books, but she loves the movies!? i keep trying to tell her how much she's missing, but she just blabbers on about single-mom this, working-full-time that, blah, blah...) so we will be at the midnight showing. already have the tix!

    RIP MoTU. you will be missed :(

  23. No! Don't go! I don't want anything bad to happen to you before we go to FFFOOORRRKKKSSSS!!!

    Speaking of . . . . we watched "Twilight In Forks" the other day in preparation! Can't wait! This fuckery in October is going to be nut-rageous! Everyone who is going should rent this stupid DVD from the Red Box for a little background before you go. I'm not into hiking - AT ALL - but if they REALLY do have vampires in the woods at night, I guess I'll be up for a stake-out!


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